New Rule: Just because a country elects a smart president doesn’t make it a smart country. A couple of weeks ago, I was asked on CNN if I thought Sarah Palin could get elected president,...

New Rule: Americans must realize what makes NFL football so great: socialism. That’s right, the NFL takes money from the rich teams and gives it to the poorer one…just like President Obama wants to do...

I hate stupidity, but what I hate even more is when people actually brag about it.

If it weren’t for acid, you might not have an IPod, and you definitely would not have some of the best music in your IPod.

We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels & free thinkers. It’s overrun with sheep & conformists.

I’m not a Christian, but I have read his book.

New Rule: Food companies must face the facts: One container equals one serving. Look, we’re Americans, and that means once we open the bag, there’s no stopping us until we’re licking stray bits of powdered...

You don’t need a weapon to protect yourself.

We’re a complacent society, hard to get riled up in the first place, and then when we do, it’s misdirected.

Not doing anything is doing something and choosing to look away is a passive but no less mortal sin.

NEW RULE: ‘Kidiots’ Leave the children behind. At least until they learn something. A new study has shown that half of American high schools agree that newspapers should only be able to publish government-approved material....

I have a problem with people who take the Constitution loosely and the Bible literally.

New Rule: Democrats must get in touch with their inner asshole. I refer to the case of Van Jones, the man the Obama administration hired to find jobs for Americans in the new green industries....

I don’t respect thinking that is dangerous, prejudicial, childish, and could get me killed.

Let’s make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake–you know, to send the right message to kids.

New Rule: Stop asking Miss USA contestants if they believe in evolution. It’s not their field. It’s like asking Stephen Hawking if he believes in hair scrunchies. Here’s what they know about: spray tans, fake...

New Rule: Don’t name your kid after a ballpark. Cubs fans Paul and Teri Fields have named their newborn son Wrigley. Wrigley Fields. A child is supposed to be an independent individual, not a means...

Forget bringing the troops home from Iraq. We need to get the troops home from World War II. Can anybody tell me why, in 2009, we still have more than sixty thousand troops in Germany...

Every day in America is a day with a shooting.

We are oblivious to suffering. We are cheap with charity if it’s not close to our home.

If somebody asks if you tweeted your penis and your answer is anything other than “No,” you tweeted your penis.

I think religion is a neurological disorder.

New Rule: You can’t put a windmill in your campaign ad if you voted against every single bill that might lead to someone building one. As long as you’re sending a camera crew to a...

Sticking one’s head in the sand is a deep human impulse. Like when you feel some kind of bump or growth on the back of your neck, and your heart jumps, because, Christ, that could...

We’re all gonna be gay if we get health care!

The true axis of evil in America is the brilliance of our marketing combined with the stupidity of our people.

If a fourteen year-old can deliver your message, it’s not because he’s gifted. It’s because intellectually, you’re a child.

New Rule: Apple’s next device must be a computer that you control with your tongue. Thanks for eliminating the keyboard and the mouse, but pointing and pushing at things already seems too complicated and tiring....

But what is it that drives haters crazy with rage? Many times, it’s being ignored. To a person with pride, being ignored is often worse than out-and-out hate; it’s that much more of an insult,...

I don’t want to say Monsanto is evil right off the bat, but why is Monsanto so evil?

But females in even the most advanced Muslim countries are simply, by law, not the equal of men.

The Bible looks like it started out as a game of mad libs.

New Rule: It’s okay for the president to play ball in the house. It’s easy to judge and say this scene detracts from the dignity of the White House–until you consider the end zone is...

It’s a funny thing about Americans, we love to bitch about paying too much for the things we really need and are really a bargain, like gas and postage stamps, but we willingly shell out...

That’s not water. That’s socialism juice. We should bomb Lake Erie.

Be out of the mainstream. I’m out of the mainstream. I enjoy it, who wants to be in the mainstream?

My bank must stop trying to sell me identity theft protection. You know why I expect you to protect my money? Because you’re a bank.

New Rule: You’re never going to pick up women at a coffee shop pretending to be working on your laptop. You don’t look like you’re sensitive, you look like you’re homeless.The last guy to pick...

This is the opposite of the free market.

To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click ‘I agree’.

New Rule: You don’t have to teach both sides of a debate if one side is a load of crap. President Bush recently suggested that public schools should teach “intelligent design” alongside the theory of...

Saying someone is religious is heard in most of America as a compliment, a reassuring affirmation that someone will be moral, ethical, and after a few glasses of wine, a freak in the bedroom.

New Rule: Conservatives have to stop complaining about Hollywood values. It’s Oscar time again, which means two things: (1) I’ve got to get waxed, and (2) talk-radio hosts and conservative columnists will trot out their...

Of course, we in the West like to pat ourselves on the back and say we’re more tolerant, and we are–but tolerance is not the same thing as acceptance. It just means, “We think you’re...

And, corny as it may sound, I do cherish the bond between me and the audience, the minority that follows my stuff and always makes me glad it’s us against the world.

I find that the world is changing much, much faster than I can even bitch about it.

To a coward, courage always looks like stupidity.

New Rule: You can’t force the ATM to do something it doesn’t want to do. Excuse me, lady in front of me at the Citibank ATM, but you’ve been standing there punching buttons for ten...

We convince ourselves that even our shameless waste, our unchecked consumption and our appalling ignorance of anyplace in the world except our own little corner must continue–or they win! No, when you become smarter and...

I’m not talking to you.