We convince ourselves that even our shameless waste, our unchecked consumption and our appalling ignorance of anyplace in the world except our own little corner must continue–or they win! No, when you become smarter and...

I’m not talking to you.

New Rule: If you’re one of the one-in-three married women who say your pet is a better listener than your husband, you talk too much. And I have some bad news for you: Your dog’s...

New Rule: There’s only one thing to say about the Christian Film and Television Commission giving me the Bigoted Bile Award and naming Religulous the number-one Most Unbearable Movie of 2008: Thank you! You hate...

Do not fuck with gun nuts because they are nuts about their guns.

It’s not that we don’t care–it’s just that that we’d prefer not to get involved.

New Rule: The Napa Valley is Disneyland for alcoholics. Be honest, you’re not visiting wineries in four days because you’re an oenophile, you’re doing it because you’re a drunk. It’s the only place in America...

Last week, I suggested the candidates take up mushrooms. I’ll be damned if Rick Perry didn’t take me up on that.

Just like in the workplace, women who are good workers are the best workers.

New Rule: Stop putting psychedelic screensavers on computers. I sit down to check my e-mail, and the next thing I know it’s three days later, I’m in the desert, I’m banging on a drum, I’m...

Faced with our addiction to oil, what does our leadership say? Get more of it! Strange when you consider their answer to drug dependence is to cut off the supply.

Isn’t it time we asked ourselves, are we willing to accept any behavior codified within religious or cultural practice? Is there no line to be drawn? If honor killings are okay, then why not virgin...

It is not a surprise that a person would want to be a prophet. What’s ridiculous is that other people let him.

Religion is dangerous because it allows human beings who don’t have all the answers to think that they do. Most people would think it’s wonderful when someone says ‘I’m willing lord, I’ll do whatever you...

New Rule: Republicans must stop pitting the American people against the government. Last week, we heard a speech from Republican leader Bobby Jindal–and he began it with the story that every immigrant tells about going...

We were asked to do very little, and we responded. That’s the bargain we tacitly make with our presidents: we won’t ask too much of you, if you don’t ask too much of us.

New Rule: If an Evangelical tries to use Halloween to pimp Jesus to kids, they get to egg his house. On Halloween, the president of the American Family Association urged his flock to hand out...

Kadafi is a zombie in a pillbox hat, that’s what he is!

Jesus is great — is there a better role model? No. It’s religion, it’s the people who get in between — the bureaucracy, you know. … It’s the way people abuse Jesus. Was there ever...

New Rule: Stop leaving couches on the sidewalk. Besides being lazy and ugly, it’s animal cruelty. You teach your dog not to pee on the couch, and then when you take him to the place...

He sold Syria way better than he sold this.

New Rule: The White House doesn’t have to release the dead Bin Laden photos, but don’t pretend we can’t take it. We’ve seen pictures of Britney Spears’s vagina getting out of a car. Television has...

I’m a stoner, and I vote.

Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.

New Rule: Since Glenn Beck is clearly onto us, liberals must launch our plan for socialist domination immediately. Listen closely, comrades, I’ve received word from General Soros and our partners in the UN–Operation Streisand is...

Too many in America lead with their emotions when it comes to the flag, becoming illogically protective.Hell, the British treat their national symbol, the Royal Family, way worse, and they’re people!

New Rule: Oil companies must stop with the advertisements implying they’re friends of the environment. “At Exxon Mobil, we care about a thriving wildlife.” Please–the only thing an oil executive has in common with a...

New Rule: Never underestimate the ability of a tiny fringe group of losers to ruin everything. We’ve all been laughing heartily at the wacky antics of the “birthers”–the far-right goofballs who claim Obama wasn’t really...

The real axis of evil in America is the genius of our marketing and the gullibility of our people.

My personal savior is common sense. And as far as God goes, I prefer to believe in one that would want me to use the excellent brain he gave us all.

We preach about capitalism and the beauty of unfettered market forces determining price–but not when it comes to gas. When it comes to gas, we need it cheap, and the president had better get it...

Women are also property in our bible; adultery is a property crime in the Old Testament, not a sex crime.

Stop saying drug use makes people lazy. Jimi Hendrix did a lot of drugs, even though he’s been dead for forty years, he’s still making new records. Suck on that, Partnership for a Drug-Free America!

The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them.”(The Decider, July 21, 2007)

New Rule: America has every right ot bitch about gas prices suddenly shooting up. How could we have known? Oh, wait, there was that teensy, tiny thing about being warned constantly over the last forty...

America is bad at discriminating between danger likely to strike again, and red herrings, the freaking helpings of disaster that no man or plan can prevent.

True patriotism is doing something for your country.

Americans today confuse freedom with not being asked to sacrifice. The fact that you can’t have everything you want exactly when you want it has somehow become un-American.

If I can’t suck your milkshake through a straw, it’s not a milkshake–it’s a glass of ice cream.

If we stopped calling it profiling and started calling it “proactive intelligence screening” or “high alert detecting”, people would be saying “Well, it’s about time”.

There’s an old, frequently-used definition of insanity, which is “performing the same action over and over, expecting different results.”… Now, I’m no doctor, but I am on TV. And in my professional opinion, George Bush...

We should stop worrying so much about the price of gasoline and start considering its cost. You really want to be patriotic? Don’t change your car by putting a flag on it, change the car.

Of course, when you shut off your brain from rational analysis, any book is dangerous. Taking literally ancient parables from thousands of years ago is much more dangerous than playing with a loaded gun. Ancient...

New Rule: Gun-control people have to stop pressuring Starbucks to ban guns. I want my gun nuts overcaffeinated, twitchy, and accident-prone. That way, the problem will take care of itself. Plus, if just one gun...

[F]reedom isn’t free. It shouldn’t be a bragging point that “Oh, I don’t get involved in politics,” as if that makes you somehow cleaner. No, that makes you derelict of duty in a republic. Liars...

Brave Americans in past wars didn’t die for the actual flag–they died for the freedom it represents, including the freedom to burn it.

After September 11th, I never much liked the trend of everyone and his brother wearing the hats and jackets of the NYPD and FDNY. Only the people who do the job should get to wear...

For months in the fall of 2001, our highways looked like a county fair on wheels. “Look out, Al-Qaeda—patriot on board!” I once saw a guy with five flags tell a guy with four flags...

Fascism is when corporations become the government.

New Rule: Americans have to come up with a better cheese to represent the nation than American cheese. I’m not even sure American cheese is cheese. I think it’s aged Jell-O. And it doesn’t need...