Fascism is when corporations become the government.

New Rule: Americans have to come up with a better cheese to represent the nation than American cheese. I’m not even sure American cheese is cheese. I think it’s aged Jell-O. And it doesn’t need...

New Rule: America must stop bragging it’s the greatest country on earth, and start acting like it. I know this is uncomfortable for the “faith over facts” crowd, but the greatness of a country can,...

Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for – looking up exes to see how fat they got?

New Rule: If we want to find a place to cut government waste, we must start with the DEA rubber duck. Yes, on the DEA’s website you can buy a rubber ducky with a DEA...

Suicide is man’s way of telling God, ‘You can’t fire me – I quit!

We’ve been brainwashed into believing that it’s a sin to discriminate. But discrimination doesn’t mean racism; it means telling unlike things apart.

Don’t get so tolerant that you tolerate intolerance.

New Rule: If you can force a woman to look at a sonogram—to see what will happen if she has an abortion—you also have to let her see a crying baby, a bratty five-year-old, and...

Claiming “the budget can’t allow it” reminds me of when you walk into a restaurant at a civilized hour like ten o’clock and they say “the kitchen is closed.” For years I would hear this,...

You know, if you’re an American and you’re born at this time in history especially, you’re lucky. We all are. We won the world history Powerball lottery.

Republicans: ‘we fought the good fight’ – yeah, it woulda been worth it if we could have prevented just one poor kid from getting a free inhaler.

They” hate us because they feel–and “they” are not wrong–that it is within our power to do so much more, and that we practice a kind of passive-aggressive violence on the Third World. We do...

Fake it. We know you can do that. We’ve seen your sex tape.

New Rule: Just because a country elects a smart president doesn’t make it a smart country. A couple of weeks ago, I was asked on CNN if I thought Sarah Palin could get elected president,...

New Rule: Americans must realize what makes NFL football so great: socialism. That’s right, the NFL takes money from the rich teams and gives it to the poorer one…just like President Obama wants to do...

I hate stupidity, but what I hate even more is when people actually brag about it.

If it weren’t for acid, you might not have an IPod, and you definitely would not have some of the best music in your IPod.

We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels & free thinkers. It’s overrun with sheep & conformists.

I’m not a Christian, but I have read his book.

New Rule: Food companies must face the facts: One container equals one serving. Look, we’re Americans, and that means once we open the bag, there’s no stopping us until we’re licking stray bits of powdered...

You don’t need a weapon to protect yourself.

We’re a complacent society, hard to get riled up in the first place, and then when we do, it’s misdirected.

Not doing anything is doing something and choosing to look away is a passive but no less mortal sin.

NEW RULE: ‘Kidiots’ Leave the children behind. At least until they learn something. A new study has shown that half of American high schools agree that newspapers should only be able to publish government-approved material....

I have a problem with people who take the Constitution loosely and the Bible literally.

New Rule: Democrats must get in touch with their inner asshole. I refer to the case of Van Jones, the man the Obama administration hired to find jobs for Americans in the new green industries....

I don’t respect thinking that is dangerous, prejudicial, childish, and could get me killed.

Let’s make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake–you know, to send the right message to kids.

New Rule: Stop asking Miss USA contestants if they believe in evolution. It’s not their field. It’s like asking Stephen Hawking if he believes in hair scrunchies. Here’s what they know about: spray tans, fake...

New Rule: Don’t name your kid after a ballpark. Cubs fans Paul and Teri Fields have named their newborn son Wrigley. Wrigley Fields. A child is supposed to be an independent individual, not a means...

Forget bringing the troops home from Iraq. We need to get the troops home from World War II. Can anybody tell me why, in 2009, we still have more than sixty thousand troops in Germany...

Every day in America is a day with a shooting.

We are oblivious to suffering. We are cheap with charity if it’s not close to our home.

If somebody asks if you tweeted your penis and your answer is anything other than “No,” you tweeted your penis.

I think religion is a neurological disorder.

New Rule: You can’t put a windmill in your campaign ad if you voted against every single bill that might lead to someone building one. As long as you’re sending a camera crew to a...

Sticking one’s head in the sand is a deep human impulse. Like when you feel some kind of bump or growth on the back of your neck, and your heart jumps, because, Christ, that could...

We’re all gonna be gay if we get health care!

The true axis of evil in America is the brilliance of our marketing combined with the stupidity of our people.

If a fourteen year-old can deliver your message, it’s not because he’s gifted. It’s because intellectually, you’re a child.

New Rule: Apple’s next device must be a computer that you control with your tongue. Thanks for eliminating the keyboard and the mouse, but pointing and pushing at things already seems too complicated and tiring....

But what is it that drives haters crazy with rage? Many times, it’s being ignored. To a person with pride, being ignored is often worse than out-and-out hate; it’s that much more of an insult,...

I don’t want to say Monsanto is evil right off the bat, but why is Monsanto so evil?

But females in even the most advanced Muslim countries are simply, by law, not the equal of men.

The Bible looks like it started out as a game of mad libs.

New Rule: It’s okay for the president to play ball in the house. It’s easy to judge and say this scene detracts from the dignity of the White House–until you consider the end zone is...

It’s a funny thing about Americans, we love to bitch about paying too much for the things we really need and are really a bargain, like gas and postage stamps, but we willingly shell out...

That’s not water. That’s socialism juice. We should bomb Lake Erie.

Be out of the mainstream. I’m out of the mainstream. I enjoy it, who wants to be in the mainstream?