Sim sighed. “like Ross always said: Wish in one hand,shit in the other,and see which hand fills up first.

A brick could be used to stop a tornado, unlike a mobile home, which only acts like a tornado magnet and seems to increase its power.

Not gonna happen!” I spat, squeezing him possessively. Three sets of widened eyes fixed on me. That’s when I realized that what I had a firm grip on was no longer his hand.

A brick could be given as a graduation gift to a C student. It’s like here, welcome to a life in the construction industry.

Cowboy!” she hollered.Every man on the street turned to stare at her.”–pg.117

Naked intelligence officer (‘nā-kəd in-‘te-lə-jən(t)s ‘ä-fə-sər)1 : an intelligence officer in a state of undress 2 : an intelligence officer whose cover has been compromised3 : an intelligence officer, in reality fully clothed, disguised as...

Stop” as you hold out a stiff arm and just stand there. It might feel like you’re waiting your whole life for that train to stop, and quite possibly you will wait your whole life...

Yes, I know,” Isadora said, and then read her poem, leaning forward so Carmelita Spats would not overhear:”I would rather eat a bowl of vampire batsthan spend an hour with Carmelita Spats.”The Baudelaires giggled and...

Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.

Why did the brick and blanket cross the road? Because some maniac had just run over the chicken. That maniac was me, and that chicken was delicious.

Okay, I’ll wear the Bite Me shirt,[…]It’ll be my standard response to any­one who tries to hit on me.” I giggle. “Someone can come up and be like ‘Hey babe, what’s your sign?’ and I’ll...

Paul is a liar, he said so. (Romans 3:7.)

Bye,” but to me it means food. Of the greetings, goodbye is the desert.

Some people drip wax on themselves like a human chianti bottle to see if they feel anything….but getting a wicker basket to fit them is a fiasco

But if I’d known there was going to be a firearms examination at the end of the kidnapping, by God, I would have studied for it!

She must have been very anxious about a first boy friend to fall in love with a Colgate boy

She’d made him watch every Alien movie. Most of the goriest scenes were accompanied by his dialogue: ‘Ach, that’s no’ – that’s just no’ right…. Bloody hell, this canna be right.

Nobody knows what is life and still alive

If a tie is like kissing your sister, losing is like kissing your grandmother with her teeth out.

You’re ruining that book!” He pointed to the page I’d torn out. “That’s a perfectly good book!” Holding his gaze, I reached down and ripped another page out. “I’m making roses.” “Well, it’s my book.”...

I spilled spot remover on my dog; now he’s gone.

Everything’s amazing right now, and nobody’s happy.

Hope implies that you think you have a chance at something.

He runs his eye along the row of knives in their racks, the cleavers for splitting bones. He picks one up, looks at its edge, decides it needs sharpening and says, “Do you think I...

You’re starting to look like you did before, and that’s not good because what you looked like was complete shit, so get up and go to bed so I can stop acting like your mother....

Humor is something that thrives between man’s aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth.

A brick could be used to double back, donkey levitate cough meow cough meow hiss on giraffe shaft stroke a local bloke bludgeon Armageddon—not my arm, Sorry, I think I just had a stroke.

Beatrix wished she were a swooning sort of female. It seemed the only appropriate response to the situation.Unfortunately, no matter how she tried to summon a swoon, her mind remained intractably conscious.

That’s not really a compliment.

It is not really hard to do nothing. Many can. The hard part is doing nothing without feeling guilty about it.

Cabel flicks his fingers at her, spraying her with water. Grinning. “Sure. I think I’m pretty lucky. I bet blind people have great sex. I’ll even wear a blindfold so it’s fair.” He bumps his...

Why?’ He asked.’Why what?’ What could I say? Noah, despite you being an asshole, or maybe because of it, I’d like to rip off your clothes and have your babies. Don’t tell.

Start thinking positively. You will notice a difference. Instead of “I think I’m a loser,” try “I definitely am a loser.” Stop being wishy-washy about things! How much more of a loser can you be...

Sydney did not believe in life after death, but in her experience, admitting this could lead to long and complicated discussions in which people seemed to think that since she did not believe in God...

What’d did I tell you?” muttered Adrian. He has no fuzzy affection for his father. “De-lightful.

A brick could be thrown, like a football, only instead of a wide receiver, I’d recommend sending out a politician to catch your pass.

It’s not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.

Selling eternal life is an unbeatable business, with no customers ever asking for their money back after the goods are not delivered.

How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes…dies.

Maple thought optimistically that human beings, on their good days, weren’t much dimmer than sheep. Or at least, not much dimmer than dim sheep.

Well,” I ask, leaning over him, “do you wish to stay?””I do.””And why is that, Cole?” I say, tipping toward him so that our noses nearly brush.”Well,” he says with a smile, “the weather’s quite...

My name is Mr. Brickton, and this brick, it weighs a ton.

I just don’t believe in helping people who are going to torture me. Though I don’t see any bamboo slivers. How can you possibly torture someone without bamboo slivers?

Jarod Kintz gets so many retweets, he’s like Katniss Everdeen with tourettes in a forest full of Mockingjays.

A brick could be used for a calf muscle implant for a bodybuilder who wants a competitive edge.

I didn’t dream about you last night. I woke up in fear.

Angelina leaned forward as Sara pulled Miki back to her, “You know what they say about curiosity? That it stabbed the annoying biker girl over and over and over again until she spit up blood.

Ray was not even cool back in those days. He wasn’t popular, he wasn’t cool. It’s so funny, and now he’s like so popular and everything

One of these days I’m gonna beat him in the face with the butt of my service revolver until an eyeball pops out. These are the thoughts that keep me happy.

Goblin tea resembles a nice cup of Earl Grey in much the same way that a catfish resembles the common tabby. They share a name, but one is a nice thing to curl up with...