MAC gave me 55 lipsticks to test. These are the same lipsticks I got caught stealing by the police when I was 15. How ironic.

The moment the door opened I knew an ass-kicking was inevitable. Whether I’d be giving it or receiving it was still a bit of a mystery.

If two heads are better than one, then what about double chins? On that note, I will help myself to seconds.

how romantic.

I like wearing a blindfold while watching movies, so that I can focus on the dialogue. My favorite flicks are the silent movies.

In Hollywood if you don’t have a shrink, people think you’re crazy.

And then he said the next time he sees me the gloves are coming off. I said, “Doc, that‘s no way to perform a prostrate exam.

The State Department said no American is proud of CIA interrogations. OK, so we’re not as good as the Syrians at it, but we’re not that bad.

Sun Tzushi.

People who are needed by people who need people aren’t the luckiest people in the world.

I am not the Bird of Love I once thought I was. But my silence suggests I may be the Pterodactyl of Love.

Then again, if your right hand did know what your left hand was doing, wouldn’t that be kind of creepy?

When you’re still typing ‘whilst,’ someone else has already finished typing ‘while.

My name is Davis Davis. And don’t call me Mr. Davis! How would you like it if I called you Mr. Archibald, or whatever your first name is?

President wants coup in some place called ‘Canada’ someone find a map

I admire women who tweet about their sex lives. Talk about serious multitasking skills.

I hate when women give me that look. That overlook.

She needed Andrew Simpson Smith, it was that simple. And he had spent his life training to help people like her. Gods. “Okay, Andrew. But let’s leave today. I’m in a hurry.””Of course. Today.” He...

Secret 18033-3. If the key to her heart is 128 bits or greater, you’re probably wasting your time.

I want to be asexual, because then I could be more productive. But not reproductive.

I’m not going to touch her,” he said “She’s not mine.She never will be.””Indeed.” Bruiser rolled his eyes and dusted off his hat. “Definitely no years of pent-up lusting there. Glad we have that sorted.

Secret 5.56.45. The scar confirms the beauty, the beauty the scar.

I cut my hair so it looks like I just woke up all the time, so that I can be like, what year is it? I’ve been asleep since the 80s.

Life is a zoo in a jungle.

Sadly, however, the sight of her generous D cups no longer sparked an ounce of interest from Little Sam, the man in charge of social activities.

The best thing about dating a deaf woman with no nose is being able to fart in bed and have her not know. Well, that is unless Edmond tells her, but I don’t think he...

Adrian, I’m on a date. Why are you here? On my car?

I despise the ruling classes, but they’re required for my major.

I saw a hermaphrodite changing, so out of respect, I turned halfway around.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier theywouldn’t have to go so fast.

Jane Jameson.”He grinned. “Like the porn star.”I gaped at him. “What? No, Jane Jameson.””Oh, not as fun,” he said, making disappointed clucking noises.

I only know I was born on March 5th because someone told me. I don’t remember myself. So it’s fact based on secondhand information and trust.

Normal” is just a setting on your dryer.

I’m pretty sure ‘ping’ in Chinese means ‘table,’ and ‘pong’ means ‘tennis.

Politics.

She ignores me, so I cup my hands over my mouth and do something I haven’t done in years— barnyard sounds.

A blanket could be used as a tarp over one of those tiny circular inflatable pools for children. Well, you might call it a tarp, but I’d call it a trap. But I’ve already tried...

The message of the movie is to accept who you are and not to succumb to the pressure of what the media tells you is beautiful and what you should be looking like.

I’ve always wanted to kill someone by stealing their sound. If you’ve got no sound, you’ve got no voice. And it’s impossible to scream with no voice. So it’s like murdering a mime, only with...

Oliver has stated many times his dislike of hearing advice from his younger sister, so it is his own fault if he has not got sense enough to see which way the wind is blowing.

Freud was a fraud, but he’d probably think I have a complex of some kind. Anal, oral, Orafoural, etc. While most kids wanted to grow up to be an astronaut, one of Barbara Streisand’s bras,...

He’s always asking: ‘Is that new? I haven’t seen that before.’ It’s like, Why don’t you mind your own business? Solve world hunger. Get out of my closet.

A tailor walks into a lawyer, and the bar says, “I like your suit.” And the tailor replies, “This morning I spotted a non-sequitur detective. Don’t worry, he didn’t follow me.

SHUT UP,” Carot Top say, the cocane now taking effect. “This isnt Poetry 101. People want to laugh. Your suposed to be a ‘King’ of Prop Comedy. But youve been acting more like a jester...

My imagination is something of a badass.

The coldest depth of Hell is reserved for people who abandon kittens.

On my first date with Agatha, I wore tight green Spandex, which made my skinny legs look like asparagus. Knowing no heterosexual woman could resist such a temptation, I set out to seduce her.

Agatha: “If you say anything smug or stuck-up or shallow, I’ll have Reaper follow you home.”Sophie: “But then I can’t talk!

Nothing else matters now that you love me.’ – suicide note

A brick could be used to remind me of her. I mean everything else reminds me of her, so why not a brick too?