A man should be taller, older, heavier, uglier, and hoarser than his wife.

You’re right. I was having dinner with Zombie Carl the other night. You know, steaks, rare, and a bottle of vintage type A. He told me all his secrets, but too bad for you I...

We made love like two people trying to make love like three people in the trunk of a car.

A brick could be used to help you become the next Great American Novelist. Hopefully after you use it to crack your own skull, and not too long after your death, the public will realize...

I’m not the smartest fellow in the world, but I can sure pick smart colleagues.

A brick could be used to suppress the price of gold. But not for very long, because once the people realize the unrealized potential in undercutting the central bankers, gold will rise and fiat currency...

How rude of me, we haven’t even introduced ourselves. We’re the Andersons. I’m Evan, the lovely size-zero lass in the floppy sun hat is my wife Amy, and these are our best friends/children, Evan and...

A brick could be used like sandpaper, to smooth out a cat’s rough tongue.

You know how I think they choose people for Gryffindor team?” said Malfoy loudly a few minutes later, as Snape awarded Hufflepuff another penalty for now reason at all. “It’s people they feel sorry for....

No headboards were broken.

I promise you that I don’t want to be pegged, Isa.

Things Isabella Wouldn’t Care About: – Titanic sinking again. – Metror striking Earth and landing directly on top of world’s most innocent panda. – Titanic sinking again and this time the entire crew is puppies.

A brick could be used to separate two types of people. On the left is a guy who loves my writing, and on the right is a girl who loves my writing. Now I love...

When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.

A brick could be used to encourage trees to grow fruitful things like money. If money grew on trees, then I’d get drunk on that fermentation.

Naked intelligence officer (‘nā-kəd in-‘te-lə-jən(t)s ‘ä-fə-sər)1 : an intelligence officer in a state of undress 2 : an intelligence officer whose cover has been compromised3 : an intelligence officer, in reality fully clothed, disguised as...

Wondering where Ranger was now, when I needed him. Why wasn’t he here, insisting on locking me up in a safe house? Now that my hamster’s cage was clean, I’d be happy to oblige.

A blanket could be used to announce your intention to announce your intentions. Make sure the blanket is neon orange though, or you might not get the attention you deserve.

Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.

I was momentarily stunned by his odd announcement and told him as much. “Let’s just talk about the fact that you composed a sonnet to my vagina, shall we? You are sending off some major...

A brick could be used to instill courage in the cowardly. But training must begin at birth, and the weak identified while they are still hiding in the womb.

Paul is a liar, he said so. (Romans 3:7.)

You. Me. Exorcist.-Bones

A blanket could be used like cloud cover

But if I’d known there was going to be a firearms examination at the end of the kidnapping, by God, I would have studied for it!

We all men want a bad girl friend, but a good wife.

A blanket could be used to alert your guest when he’s overstayed his welcome. But what’s even more effective would be a flying brick at his forehead. Subtlety can be a bit soft, and can...

Nobody knows what is life and still alive

Let’s play Russian roulette. If you win, I give you a Colombian necktie.

A blanket could be used to reduce the weight of love, by exactly one person. It’s a cold world out there.

I spilled spot remover on my dog; now he’s gone.

It’s not hard to fail…it’s hard to accept you failed…but once that’s out of the way, it’s pretty smooth sailing

Drunken men give some of the best pep talks.

Graham’s life is as tense as an overstretched simile.

He said “cool” like I say a Spanish word when I’m not sure of the pronunciation.

A brick could be used to direct traffic. Use a brick from the scene of the accident, where some driver ran into a brick wall.

you think you’ve never been wrong before?”-alex”sure i have why just last week I bought bobbi brown sandwash petal lip gloss when the pink blossom color would have looked so much better with my complexion....

This was so unfunny, Steve had to laugh.

I’ve got a pocket full of cash, and a condom full of erection.

Cameron is incredibly charming. I’ve seen Charlie’s Angels four times.

Wisdom of the Ages: “Theaters” I think it is horribly unfair that children and old people get discounts, but blind people have to pay full price.

A blanket could be used to create another way. There is no other way but to make another way. We simply must!

BARRELS!

I’m sure all of that’s true. Especially the anal bit–Marshall’s always been an ass–but I don’t see how this is relevant, unless of course I’m mistaken, and you really are comparing me to a crumb...

A brick could be used to satisfy your hunger—and satisfy my curiosity.

Black graffiti on a black helicopter.

She ought to call him Benjamin, but it was too intimate, too soft. “My lord?” she ventured, only half serious.”Good, God, no.”She bit back a smile. “Husband?” she took a sip of wine.He grunted. “Are...

Answers to Frequently Asked Questions:Yes.Yes.No.One time in high school.Three times in my twenties.Rocks no salt.Yes.Four.Never. And how dare you!I will take no further questions.

You there, you look like a well-rounded lady, oh yes, and I mean well-rounded

Evan nuzzled his chin into the crook of Dan’s neck, finding the spot that always made Dan squirm and laugh. “I love you, Danny.””You gets so fucking sappy after I let you top,” Dan responded,...