I don’t care about Clinton’s haircuts or his affairs or any of that stuff.

Nope. Just a red-blooded man, darlin’.

Return something not for the possibility of a reward, but for the joy of giving a gift which you did not have to pay for.

There are a great number of Republicans who are economically conservative but have hearts and a consciousness about their country.

Infamy! Infamy! They’ve all got it in for me!

I want to replace my knees with miniature Rube Goldberg machines. That way you’ll know how difficult it is for me to simply walk out of your life.

I wish I had the nerve not to tip.

Every great summer song was recorded the previous winter.

To me, beer tastes like piss. Maybe that’s why I only enjoy it in the shower with my uncle.

What the hell?” Ian asked, holding his hands over the front of his Christmas briefs. Sara had ordered them from the Internet, and he’d worn them to please her. Too bad there hadn’t been enough...

If not for his call to priesthoodThe Bishop Fulton SheenMight have been a five-star generalOr even a famed drag queen

You can’t buy love, it’s true. However, I am offering mine for rent. Buy one year and get the next six months at half price.

am still confused, how you fallen in love` with fat dog?…

My conscience is cleared.

Noise soup. I just made it. Taste it with your ears.

[Thine] face is not worth sunburning.

The official spokesperson is the most anonymous source of all.

God gave man feet for which to walk. And crush grapes. Can I get you a glass of wine? It’s homemade, though it kind of smells funky.

Everyone loves a kick-ass girl. (Well- maybe not her enemies, but you know what I mean.)

If the CIA isn’t a force for truth, what is it good for? (Truth, I mean, not the CIA.)

I don’t quite know how to respond to people who say that I dance like my genitals are on fire. I usually just blush and brush aside their flattery.

You want me to be a man,older than you, who goes by the name of Roullard.

Don’t touch me – I don’t know where I’ve been.

For the longest time I thought I was blind, until I realized my eyelids were just shut. So I unzipped my pants and got on with my life. After I quit the Helen Keller Society,...

Lovers do things together! They rent videos, they ride Ferris wheels, they go out for pizza, they play Scrabble. They . . . they talk!”Talk?’ He lifted his head and frowned, his eyes puzzled. ‘We...

Whoever invented the 360-degree feedback method was thinking outside the box, but not outside the circle.

Strawberries are so red they make me feel 33% patriotic.

Dwarfs were not a naturally religious species, but in a world where pit props could crack without warning and pockets of fire damp could suddenly explode they’d seen the need for gods as the sort...

The question isn’t whether it’s SFW, the question is whether W is SF it.

I want to write a song about retaliation called, “Oh Yeah, and I Faked Every Orgasm…While You Were Out of Town.

It’s funny – if you impersonate somebody, they have no idea it’s them.

I offered you a choice, and you took it.”I shot him what I hoped was a truly scathing glare. “Some choice. I was dying. Some drunk shot me from a pickup. Why wouldn’t I have...

I’ll be 30 in March, and it feels just like yesterday that I thought tomorrow will soon be today.

But despite these and many other differences, Evan and Heeb had become close friends – an improbability that could have been produced only by the even greater improbabilities that brought them together.

The truth can never hurt a just cause. The cause’s security team will intercept the truth long before it gets close enough to pose a threat.

A brick could be affixed to each end of an axle, for an example of transportation in a pre-wheel society.

A brick could be used to test my new levitation machine. Still, I’d rather test the machine out by seeing if it can lift my heavy, elephantine penis off the floor. But before I turn...

Through the window yesterday I saw a fool talking to himself, and it made me laugh, until I realized it was a mirrored window.

A brick could be substituted in for Rhode Island as a US state, because they’re roughly the same size, the have the same population (the brick may have one less person), and Grandma Kintz makes...

I sleep with an astronaut’s helmet on my head, just in case I get into a high-speed crash with space during the middle of the night.

Which is your bad shoulder?”His brows knit together. “The left,” he said carefully.She slugged him in the right.He staggered. Steadied himself. Grinned. “Is that like some weird Wyoming mating ritual thing I should know about?””Damn...

A man wrapped up in himself always suffocates. But his loved ones will forever hold in their hearts the memory of that Christmas.

I am a bowling alley celebrity. Women throw themselves at me. Sometimes other women (larger women) throw other women (smaller women) at me.

When nobody practices what they strongly believe in, that day will be a triumph of prudence.

I feel like someone who has a parade named in their honor, and doesn’t get invited.

Housewife: a position requiring great ambition to fill. Must have the determination to scrub mold, the good taste to distribute a checking account, and the good will to repeat this at a maid service or...

The best part about falling in love with a slab of meatloaf is now I get to use my ketchup-dispensing backpack when making love.

The amount of educational programming on television today is simply desensitizing. The only reason left to go to school is to see gun violence.

This is my building—and my office has the best possible view.”

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?