If life has taught me anything, it’s that no matter what you should do, you should love. Even if you’re in the process of murdering someone, possibly a politician, your heart should be filled with...

If the law can be broken it will. Anyone who breaks the law is a risk. You can break the law. So you see, I have to take you in for questioning. This produce stand...

I love favors, because a favor is, instead of me doing something or paying you anything, why don’t you do it for me for free?

The smell of burning firewood and the molding of organic, earthy substances reminded her of jumping wildly into the enormous leaf piles of autumns past and she suddenly wished that it was appropriate for someone...

Venice is beautiful, but like a Bergman movie is beautiful; you can admire it, but you don’t really want to live in it.

I strike fear into you because I am a man?””It isn’t funny.””I do not laugh. It is a sad thing, yes, that your husband is a man. A very terrible thing.

I am ewe to your ram. How can I call myself a man anymore?””The penis is a dead giveaway.

When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

There’s nothing I wouldn’t do on your behalf, if I could just get my hands on it

Dear Literary World, Sorry for breaking down your door…I’ll pay for that!!! Since I’m here and planning to stay a while, let me tell you some stories!!

I know you’re saying something profound, but it’s hard to focus when your tits are out.

The fun is being able to have a show that you can do but then always being able to look out for that opportunity to do something different.

I mean really, how could an artistic individual stay grounded in the nitty-gritty of how many minutes per pound meat has to stay in the oven when trying to fathom the creative philosophy behind the...

The funny thing is that new guys who come into the organization who question whether she’s adequate enough as far as strength, she rectifies that in a hurry. There’s many guys that aren’t repeat customers...

Death is complicated.”-Johann Kraus

Tempted to type meaningless twaddle all the time on Twitter…with alliteration, no less!

Worrying is like praying for crap!

He needed to gather her up, hold on to her, anything to help her stop trembling. Something was going to shake loose if she didn’t.

From: Christian GreySubject: &*%$&*&*Date: August 23 2011 11:23To: Anastasia GreyBelieve me when I say there are a great many things he’d like to do to your ass right now. Firing you is not one of...

Ethics”, and I said, Sure, I might enjoy a bit of stand-up comedy.

Don’t go there, Bob. Let’s just not go there.

Jazz is not dead – it just smells funny

Problem was, he couldn’t masturbate his sexual desires away because he’d fry off his cock.” Hector

Our lips met hungrily, and his clever artistic hands wrapped around my hips. A sudden buzz from my regular cell phone startled me from the kissing.”Don’t,” said Adrian, his eyes ablaze and breathing ragged.”What if...

I am the Trolley of Love. Free rides before noon and after 11:58 am!

A blanket could be frozen and used to cool off a warm body as you slowly thaw it out.

I’d seen weirder things than a haunted shoe, but not many.

The wider you spread your fingers apart while clapping is equal to the amount of retarded you look while clapping.

A brick could be used to bring about a pantsless revolution. A zipper is just a gate holding you back, man.

And my piece of advice is…don’t flirt with any of the female instructors. They all have access to weapons bigger than yours.

But Dumbledore says he doesn’t care what they do as long as they don’t take him off the Chocolate Frog cards.

Christianity is such a silly religion.

Spartacus,” I called, “how’s it hanging?” Probably not too well. Once you’re dead, had your organs removed, and are resurrected as an undead mummified cat, your testicles probably looked like old raisins that had rolled...

The sarcasm made a slight whistling noise as it flew over Loafers’ head.

A friend doesn’t go on a diet because you are fat.

You don’t have any friends, your sister dumped you, you’re a freak eater..and you’ve got some weird thing about Simon Snow.””I object to every single thing you just said.”Reagan chewed. And frowned. She was wearing...

A blanket could be used to aid a sinner’s nightly prayer. I’m not shaking because I’m cold—I’m trembling with trepidation over the Wrath of God.

What are you assholes looking at?” “Nothing,” said Radar. “We’re certainly not looking at your eyebrows.

It was funny. I gave her the sheet and she said, ‘Mrs. Solar, I’m sweating.’ She was stunned.

A brick could be used to better improve relations with your relatives. But if you’re going to play quarterback, you’d better be ready to play receiver.

Saludé a mis padres, quienes estaban sonriendo con orgullo, como siempre charlando con un extraño cualquiera junto a ellos. Sonreí, mi madre podria seriamente iniciar una conversación con un mudo.

[When asked what he wants for his tombstone epitaph]Since I’m an atheist, and have no belief whatsoever in life after death, I couldn’t care less — it’s not like it’ll have any impact on me,...

A brick could be used to not be used. Is my hair waving in the wind, or are your eyes twitching?

Look, I’m a guy. Your ass was touching my groin. Of course I’m going to pop a boner. It’s a natural reaction.

I cannot go to school today”Said little Peggy Ann McKay.”I have the measles and the mumps,A gash, a rash and purple bumps.My mouth is wet, my throat is dry.I’m going blind in my right eye.My...

A blanket could be used as a Portable Night Generator. Just stretch it over your head, blocking your eyes from the sun in the sky, and voila! Nighttime.

Sex before love is like a bandage before a wound.

America used to live by the motto “Father Knows Best.” Now we’re lucky if “Father Knows He Has Children.” We’ve become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.

A brick could be used to separate the Jorges from the hoorays.