I just thought of a great theory that explains everything. When I went to that party, I was abducted by aliens. They have created a fake Earth and fake high school to study me and...

Satan impregnated my mother one lovely spring morning. We didn’t have the heart to tell my father.

Lord, what fools these mortals be!

Not only am I thinking about getting a nose job, but I’m also trying to get employment for the rest of my face.

And I’m sure than in Poland, or somewhere, it is considered cool to drive a Porsche and wear necklaces and black silk, but at least back in Brooklyn if you did those things you were...

Sometimes I wish Jim Morrison were still alive, because I’d love to see a concert in which “The Doors” opened up for “The Cars.

S’mimasen,” Alyss said repeatedly as they brushed against passerby. “What does that mean?” Will asked as they reached a stretch of street bare of any other pedestrians. He was impressed by Alyss’s grasp of the...

I was at yellow the minute I walked in the door.

Since Sienna was in an unusually cooperative mood, the session went well. He was returning from it midmorning – after a short detour – when a small naked body barreled into him in one of...

I want to say something so embarrassing about September that even the leaves start blushing and turning red.

[He] carefully put a funky-looking pair of reading glasses on her. “There we go. How are they?”She blinked experimentally, peering around the room. “Good, I think. Thank you.””Wear them the next time we f***. That...

I got him a cool gift. I got him a pack of razors, and a really furry dead cat.

A bush-warbler,Coming to the verandah-edge,Left its droppingsOn the rice-cakes.

In high school I got voted most likely to get voted for something. Even though I was the only one who voted, it still felt terrific being nominated.

Ethan Wyeth: I hope you’re thirsty.”Gideon Wyeth:”Why?”Ethan: “Cause your dumb and ugly, but I can do something about thirsty.

I want to write a book so long that it will take the average person their whole life to read. It will be exactly the same length as the Bible.

You honor our humble abode,’ said Bean.’I do, don’t I,’ said Peter with a smile.

I do not believe in any religion, I will have nothing to do with immortality. We are miserable enough in this life without speculating upon another.

We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet – so we bought a dog. Well, it’s cheaper, and you get more feet.

Panicky despair is an underrated element of writing.

I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.

They say the mosquito is the Wyoming state bird.

Most aspects of my training didn’t agree with me. There wasn’t as much bossing around as I’d hoped for, and there was way too much following orders.

As I was driving down Beach Blvd., I saw a building that said, “Self Storage,” and I thought, “I wonder if my ego could possibly fit in just one unit.

We both want you dead. I’m bringing the friendship bracelets to the next meeting.

In high school I tried out for the spelling team, but only because I really wanted a letter jacket.

Okay, I’m gonna tell you what to do. If the kid’s bugging you and puts his hands on you; you pick up the nearest rock…

I always felt that Jim Morrison was a terrible name for the front man of The Doors. No, for a band called The Doors, a name like Rusty Hinge would have been more appropriate.

In the final analysis, it’s even money whether they’ll use the phrase ‘in the final analysis.

When the clock reads 3:00, I don’t call it three o’clock, I call it three hundred, and I remember the Spartans. At 3:01, however, I remember what I was doing at 2:59, and I get...

Some girls want to be a princess when they grow up. I wanted to be in a bad bitch girl gang.

I’m always the last in love by exactly one person.

Desperate measures call for desperate times.

I’m not interested in driving a racecar, but I would love to cruise around in a palindrome.

Secret 4.1023020. War is politics by other meanies.

My girlfriend just bought me a portable toaster. And my birthday’s coming up, so I’m half expecting her to buy me a portable bathtub to go along with it.

Come the revolution, it’ll probably be a good idea to stop saying ‘Come the revolution.

If you’re going to hold a grudge, at least put on an oven mitt before you pick it up.

Classifications as JokesConfidential: snickersSecret: guffawsTop Secret: full belly laughsUnclassified: uproarious laughter and applause

I think all toys should be invisible. Not only would they improve children’s imaginations, but they’d also be really affordable. In fact, every toy would be free.

The statements I provided under oath were not false, they were substantially mispronounced.

I think it would be funny if some guy walked into a house and said he just stepped in shit. Then he’d ask other people to look at the bottom of his shoes as he...

And soon we were just rolling around on the ground, cursing and screeching and ripping out handfuls of hair. Without super hearing, I wouldn’t have heard Zeb whisper, “This is the coolest thing I have...

Your pants are unseasonably bitch. I beg your pardon. Excuse me, madam, but you are sitting on my erection.

Secret 46. Safe house, dangerous bedroom.

The only thing more honest than a politician is, well, EVERYTHING.

Those generic avatar images for uploading a personal photo are really convenient for me, because my face looks exactly like that.

Witnesses in my dream can place me in my bed, asleep, at the time of the murder.

All men are created Equal. Some just have more Splenda.

Love is a funny thing. It’s so funny it will make you laugh until you cry.