CONFESSION NO. 1 Most women find the bloating, cramping, and bitchiness of PMS bothersome at worst. I turn into a monster a week before my period…literally.

It’s not communism, it’s shouldn’t be that everybody gets a try no matter how good or bad they are. It’s our profession and our art, so we should eventually strive to be working with the...

The scope of my problem will easily fit in the scope of my rifle. Too bad true love has to come with a mother-in-law.

Isn’t he cute? That he thinks he has a sense of humour?

Don’t believe what you hear about those penguins. A species of lazy waddlers. Their extinction is immanent.

I took some of the price off, and she took some of her clothes off. She made love and I made money.

Holy shit! Can we say unstable? Was I the only sane one around here? Well, I guess that really wasn’t setting the standard very high.” -Ember, Darkness Of Light

A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.

[The American President] has to take all sorts of abuse from liars and demagogues.… The people can never understand why the President does not use his supposedly great power to make ’em behave. Well, all...

I ran spotlight. Swept up. Did box office. Ran the lighting board. But acting was the most fun.

Mr. Satterthwaite looked cheered. Suddenly an idea struck him. His jaw fell. “My goodness,” he cried, “I’ve only just realized it! That rascal, with his poisoned cocktail! Anyone might have drunk it! It might have...

I’m learning sign language to be a better communicator and masturbator.

If there is a god maybe it rewards those who don’t believe on the basis of insufficient evidence–and punishes those who do.

You knocked the door down.” Disbelief rang in his matter-of-fact tone. “I know,” she answered,unable to say anything else. Unable to look away from his body.”But it’s solid oak.””I know.” She felt the solid oak...

There was a group of fans who wanted autographs, and several women who managed to write their phone numbers on Wade’s hand before he pulled free.Sam sent him an arched brow, but he just shrugged....

Mothers don’t want to pinch me or put me in their purse.

How dare you open a spaceman’s helmet on an uncharted planet? My eyeballs could’ve been sucked from their sockets!

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don’t seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught...

I’m nuts and I know it. But so long as I make ’em laugh, they ain’t going to lock me up.

I had a dream about you. You were crying, and I couldn’t tell if it was because you were sad or because you’d been laughing too hard. So I decided to find out by telling...

I make love like I make lasagna. I just made some, so would you like seconds?

She sighed. Loudly. “Physical appearance is not what is important.”Yeah right. Tell that to any girl who hasn’t bothered to put on a presentable shirt or fix her hair because she’s only running into the...

That´s the problem with planning a late night supper after the opera, not only does the hero or the heroine die singing, but you end up famished after the last notes of the finale.

I had a dream about you. You were on a bike going 70 miles an hour, I could see you approaching my car in the mirror. You were trying to say something so, I jumped...

Nay, ’twill be this hour ere I have done weeping. All the kind of the Launces have this very fault. I have received my proportion, like the prodigious son, and am going with Sir Proteus...

Is she special? (asks the gay waiter)” I thinks she’s going to break my heart” On arrival of the girl” The flannel is fine honey,but I have’nt seen anyone that over accesorized since batman!

Are you ever going to kiss me without swearing first?

You think the nurse stole it? She looked shady.

Look, if I were straight, you’d be grandparents before your time. You should be relieved that I’m gay. Aren’t you grateful?

We’re not trying to get all up in your biznez, Ali.

That honest enough for you?

I make love like a snake disguised as an elephant and a donkey. But I mustn’t talk about sexual congress and Congress simultaneously.

A brick could be used to prop up a wobbly table—or an unstable relationship. I wish I’d have thought of that before I got divorced.

Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they’d lock us up?”All the time.

Instead of heading for a big mental breakdown, I decided to have a small breakdown every Tuesday evening.

A brick could be used as a blanket, and a blanket could be used as a brick, but not very well and not equally as well. Which is whicher depends on whose colder and who’s...

As I get older, I just prefer to knit.

Sorry to interrupt, guys, but what’s an information system?”Still, your mind will drift further, envisioning how much more tolerable this call would be if you could just slowly masturbate during it. So you do. You...

Remove yourself, sir!

Lift your chin, darling, you are not eighteen.” I enjoyed his honesty. Also, I’m pretty sure he says that to models who are nineteen.

At least my happiness doesn’t depend on Ron’s goalkeeping ability.

I’m telling you, Augustus Waters talked so much that he’d interrupt you at his own funeral.

As quiet as dead mice.

Why is it beautiful that humanity keeps coming back? So does herpes.

He giggled like a puppy being tickled by a kitten wearing a duckling costume.

A brick could be used to sell a blanket, in a buy one get one free situation. It doesn’t matter if it’s rubble, if it’s free people want it.

I bet the worst part about dying is the part where your whole life passes before you.

A blanket could be used to sell your winningest product to your loserest customer. Oh, loserest is a word. I know, because I just wrote it.

…Don’t you just hate a phony-looking stiff?” – Aunt Edna

I never feel unsafe except for when the majority is on my side.