I feel a strange sensation brewing inside of me. It tickles my throat and forces my lips into a grin. Before I can stifle it, I giggle. And then I laugh.

A brick could be used as a Blushometer. To find out how embarrassed you are, just measure you blushing cheeks against the rouge of a brick.

I used to wonder why I had hair on my legs, but now I know it’s for my toddler sons and daughters to pull themselves up off the ground with as I scream in pain.

Very helpful, I must say. Look at them in the eye and shout, and they understand every word…” (Mr. Warbeck in Sienna, talking about local Italians.)

He’s chocolate,” Mikey said.

A blanket could be used in a secretive manner. What? I can’t just tell you how it could be used. What part of secretive don’t you understand?

The human body is the best work of art.

A brick could be used like a Viking skull holds soup. If you bring a spoon, I can quench your thirst—and your hunger.

Pick up a thing,” [Wizard Kadmeion’s]mother would say. “Touch, smell, and taste it. Listen to its nonsense. Then put the funny thing in its proper place.

Sore loser? You bet your fuckin’ ass! What on earth is wrong with being a sore loser? It shows you cared about whatever the contest was in the first place. Fuck losing graciously-that’s for chumps....

Umgangsformen sind Formen, die zunehmend umgangen werden.

brooklyn writer” and you’ll get, Did you mean: the future of literature as we know it?

If you want to live a life free of regret, there is an option open to you. It’s called a lobotomy.

Carol Burnett was particularly funny. She swore for the first time on television on Larry Sanders.

Yo Mama’s so ugly, her Mama had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.

Respect? Of course, always, to all, because everything seems funnier when you’re trying to show respect.

You should eat a waffle! You can’t be sad if you eat a waffle!

He bombarded me with words, of all things, apparently clueless to the fact that the predawn hours rendered me incapable of coherent thought.

Its funny when people recently change their attitude to gain entrance into your heart, which may only ignite your passion to close the door.

I’m a book lover. I’ve probably already fucked a whole library.

When would he learn that women never stayed where you put them?

Ah coffee. The sweet balm by which we shall accomplish today’s tasks.

You would be surprised of films that people just don’t see. You know what I mean? I’m always working and I’m a film buff but I’m an old school film buff.

I often think about a life of crime. But alas, politics isn’t for me.

A blanket could be used as a lovely rug, a rug that just so happens to be covering a large hole, you should really feel this rug!

The ocean waves were choppy. Good thing I know karate and was able to fight back.

Maturity.” My dad backed out of the room and closed the door.

I want to meet a guy named Art. I’d take him to a museum, hang him on the wall, criticize him, and leave.

I’m a guy. Unless the dirt attacks first, I leave it in peace.

Goodbyes, they often come in waves.

I would feel infinitely more comfortable in your presence if you would agree to treat gravity as a law, rather than one of a number of suggested options.

Like Alexander the Great and Caesar, I’m out to conquer the world. But first I have to stop at Walmart and pick up some supplies.

People change, just wait

This morning my girlfriend was so loud in bed that we woke up the neighbors. So I told them to roll over and go back to sleep.

How are you feeling?”I leaned away from him. “Gross.”Aiden frowned. “Gross?””I haven’t brushed my teeth or washed my face in days. Don’t come near me.”He laughed. “Alex, come on.””Seriously, I’m gross.” I put my hand...

I love Huey Lewis, but not the News, because the News is too depressing.

Caroline, do you value your neck?””Yes, I’m rather fond of it. Why?””Because if you don’t shut up, I’m going to wring it.

You promise?””I cross the place where my heart used to be and wish to be even more deader than I am now.

His heavy-lidded gaze reflected a languor that had nothing to do with having just awakened, and there was no doubt what was on his mind. But this is no safe cherry picker, Gwen thought, growing...

Insider trading is a serious crime. Do you know what the penalty for doing it is? Nothing, if you’re a member of Congress.

Besides my professional goals, I have a couple of private ones, my man. One of those is to pet a kangaroo before I leave Australia. I understand there’s lots of Eastern Grays around this area....

On the scale of tomato to ketchup, my girlfriend is definitely a 57.

There’s nothing funny about war. Well, aside from this joke Orafoura told me: What did WWI say to WWII? I wish I could tell you the punch line, but the restaurant was so noisy that...

Actually, I didn’t like Dartmouth very much, but the whole theater scene I really liked.

Did you ever get the feeling that the world was a tuxedo and you were a pair of brown shoes?

I hope that the kind reader recognises this as a despairing attempt at humour.

You look just like you!

A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won’t get a bikini wax.

Real men don’t lift weights, they lift women.

Knowledge is a rope, and you’re weaving a noose out of it. Leave some slack for the enemy.