Just because your opinion counts doesn’t mean it should multiply.

There is safety in numbers. And science. Clone your way to being safe. Nobody can protect you like you. And you and you and you.

Sandwiches are wonderful. You don’t need a spoon or a plate!

If I didn’t have to kill you, I wouldn’t tell you.

Aside from murder alibis and kinky sex, what good are clones?

If a problem is clearly stated, it has no further interest to the physicist.

Whatever doesn’t kill me makes me stronger. Now if I could just find something that doesn’t kill me.

I want to write a book called, “Ten Steps to Asexuality.” Of course, I recommend all those steps be taken in Birkenstock sandals.

If we’re mad, we’re mad in large numbers, at least larger than yours.

I was just turned last week. I’m a librarian.”He stilled, as if I’d just told him I was the inventor of the tube top. “I watched a movie about a librarian once. Well, she was...

If my last name were Bedient, I’d want to Irishize it and have you call me O’Bedient. Of course, just because you call me, doesn’t mean I’ll come.

Victoria’s got her secrets. Hey, so do I!

When it comes to working with heads of state, my preferred variety is the titular.

I’ve always felt that Mimi was a doubly selfish name. It’s all about me, not you, Mimi.

If you’re stressing over happiness, you’re doing it wrong!

They say if you’re not part of the steamroller, you’re part of the road. I say I’d rather be part of the road than the seat on the steamroller.

You did. You shot me in the leg. But you can’t kill love that easily. And today you’re going to learn how deadly Love can be.” That was over four years ago, and I’m still...

When you’re in love with two people, always choose the second. The fact that you are constantly thinking of the second person makes it obvious that the first will never fulfill you, unless the second...

I want you to lie to me just as sweetly as you know how for the rest of my life.

If per capita was a problem, decapita could be arranged

Love is, or you isn’t.

I Will Always Love You” was constantly on my FM Walkman radio around that time. I think that made me cry because I associated it with absolutely no one.

What’s said in silence is best viewed in darkness. I learned that while reading a bowl of Alphabet Soup.

Merrill Krause – “My brothers have scared off just about any fellow who showed interest in getting to know me.”Granny Lassiter – “Well, if a man can’t stand up to those brothers of yours, you...

There are many ways to kill someone. I prefer laughter, and doing it slowly, over the course of 70 years or so.

A brick could be used as a brick. Clever, right?

North, south, east, west, I need to find a nude erection to point the way.

I wanted to have premarital sex with a midget, but I was afraid the ringmaster would banish me for unlawful carnival knowledge.

A brick represents my rationality, and a blanket represents my emotions. It’s robot versus mannequin, and to get a sense of who I am as a person, you need some mortar and a pillow.

If you want to change the world, just change yourself. The world needs traitors.

If we’re friends, I’m only the funniest guy you know because you don’t know John Cleese. Or Steve Martin. Or Jack Handey. Or, or, or, I could go on for Orafoura.

Political debate: when charlatans come together to discuss their principles.

A brick could be used to foretell the future. But I’m the only one alive who knows how to make it work, and my occult knowledge can be rented out to you for $9.99 per...

SAINT, n. A dead sinner revised and edited.

A brick could replace your window, if your window’s opaque, and you throw the brick hard enough.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

I need to hire a babysitter for Friday night. I also need to buy myself some adult diapers.

No, this trick wont work…How on earth are you ever going to explain in terms of chemistry and physics so important a biological phenomenon as first love?

Getting into a fight with a popular senior. Pissing off a school teacher and the local chief of police. Hanging with two major-league losers.” She slapped my back. “Welcome to high school.

Wait a minute, hold on… The dude dies, and the girl cries so hard that she gets turned into a fountain?

My father chose my name , and my last name was chosen by my ancestors . That’s enough, I myself choose my way

Women were created gullible. It they weren’t no babies would be born.

He who laughs last … just didn’t get the joke.

My melon soulCrushed by your Gallagher of apathy

I chase goals, not girls.

I tell you, the old-fashioned doctor who treated all diseases has completely disappeared, now there are only specialists, and they advertise all the time in the newspapers. If your nose hurts, they send you to...

Tom Cruise isn’t that big of a guy,” my mom always says. I love how she tries to avoid using the word “short.”Yeah,” I tell her in return, “but he compensates by being Tom Cruise.”Not...

M.

God help me. I’m so tired. I need my sleep. I make no bones about it. I need eight hours a day, and at least ten at night. . . .

Actually, I came because I have a last-minute invitation. My friend Erika Gill is having a big party tomorrow night, one of those all-out birthday bashes that girls like. Want to go?”—————————————-“No. Sorry.””Since it’s a...