If you feel like you’re drowning, don’t forget that it is just a feeling; it will pass with love and care. If you’re actually drowning, then how are you reading this?

The Central Intelligence Agency is a CIA front.

Men are but wheat, and the government is the bread”? Ah yes, that was my grandfather, who shouted that shortly before hurling a loaf of bread at President Hoover during the great depression.

Suddenly he caught his reflection in the mirror behind her. His face was twisted into a dark scowl, and he was standing there naked, with a boner, and another man’s business card in his hand.He...

Should I go up one flight of stairs and then come back down, or should I go down one flight of stairs and then come back up? Same destination, same distance, same amount of work,...

Whoever said “The hand that holds a book cannot hold a gun” never worked for CIA Tech Ops.

You and I are saying the same thing, you’re just adding an extra ‘not’ at the beginning.

With anal sex, I suggest you start gently. Find a slender midget. Or a member of Congress.

We have truth in order not to die of art.

Would you kick her ass already?” Dick said, shoving me back toward Missy. “Come on, Stretch, man up. You do better than this! Get mad.”I nodded, rolling a dislocated shoulder back into place with a...

Love happens to some people, sometimes. Other times other stuff happens to other people. I’m a person like those people.

The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.

If you’re a comedian undergoing brain surgery, I assume you’re not permitted to be conscious during the procedure, for your own safety.

It’s easier to hide your smoking habit on a foggy day. Let that be a lesson for you and your secret lover.

I’m talking about doing something good for mankind. Imagine how awesome everyone would feel if they knew all that holy stuff was real.” -Gregori”Stuff? Four years of giving sermons, and that what I get back?...

Experience is the best teacher I’ve ever had. I’m sorry, Mr. Sortz, but it’s true.

My only relationship policy is, don’t bring your dirty laundry to work, no sex on company furniture and don’t let it affect your work.

I am Oscar Wilde’s reversible underwear. I am John Wayne’s rusty six-shooter. I am William Shakespeare’s identity crisis. I am a kiss delivered Priority Mail, to a girl named Agatha, by me dressed as a...

If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?

She Bangs.” It won’t be about a sexually loose woman, but rather it will be a knock-knock joke.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

I live my life by a code. I drew on the Magna Carta for inspiration. It may have been the most expensive doodle ever. The British Library kicked me out, and threatened to prosecute me...

I’ve been fighting to be who I am all my life. What’s the point of being who I am, if I can’t have the person who was worth all the fighting for?

A blanket could be used to find the Brick of Truth. Many lies will be layered on the Brick of Truth to try to cover it up, but the blanket will cover up all the...

Europe to me is young people trying to appear middle-aged and middle-aged people trying to appear young.

…I’m worried I will leave grad school and no longer be able to speak English. I know this woman in grad school, a friend of a friend, and just listening to her talk is scary....

*Appendix usually means “small outgrowth from large intestine,” but in this case it means “additional information accompanying main text.” Or are those really the same things? Think carefully before you insult this book.

Husband: a man with hopes of being a lover who settles for being a provider, causing his wife to grow suspicious of her depleting jewelry box.

I don’t want to be tied down in a relationship, I want to be tied down during sex.

I’d rather have less time than I think, than less think than I have time.

You know very well that I no longer think. I am far too intelligent for that.

A string of burglaries is a crime necklace. Everything I have can be stolen except love, because I give it all away.

It’s mental when things are going well. It’s funny how things happen. When things aren’t going well, you can’t kick one in.

I had a dream about you. I was a ventriloquist trying to share your fashion secrets, but you wouldn’t talk. So we put on a strip show for the department store sale, and I was...

A blanket could be used to cover up your infidelity. Either use the blanket to hide your cheating ways, or figure out how to fornicate with all your clothes on.

The best cure for a stick up your butt is a dog to play fetch with.

The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education.

A brick could be shoved in your buttocks. You know, for your enjoyment.

All You Need Is Love” in homage to their memory.

Renunciation – that is the great fact we all, individuals and classes, have to learn. In trying to avoid it we bring misery to ourselves and others.

Rose is For Sale.” Prostitution or a grammatically incorrect flower shop, I’d like to enter both right about now.

Can you surf really well, then?”I looked at Grover, who was trying hard not to laugh.”Jeez, Nico,” I said. “I’ve never really tried.”He went on asking questions. Did I fight a lot with Thalia, since...

…our witness, one Edward Littleton, was as gay as Elton John’s handbag.

You must be careful when you ask people whether they’re happy; it’s a question that can upset them a great deal.

What’s the best part of being in Hermes cabin?Connor: You are never lonely. I mean seriously, new kids are always coming in. So you always have someone to talk to.Travis: Or prank.Connor: Or pickpocket. One...

I will not stand here to be insulted by you, hedgepig,” Mangiz fumed.”Then stand somewhere else and I’ll insult you there, featherbag!!

She was hearing the words. They just weren’t registering on her Richter scale of sanity.

I believe great things are ahead for each of us. Now we just have to go ahead and create them.

There is nothing more awful, insulting, and depressing than banality.

Well I’m not going to hope that you get hurt, but if you do, remember that you’re my damsel in distress, and no one is allowed to carry you.””I don’t remember signing a contract.””All the...