I’m leaning toward the second choice. You are both getting way too weird. And gross.”Cal barked out a laugh and slid his fingers down my arm to entwine with mine. His touch, and Emma’s comments,...

That’s not normal.

I’m sure the other kids wouldn’t mind not being lectured by another toddler over the virtues of sharing and the mental benefits of toy blocks.

You know, Sarah Jessica Parker. Sex and the City.”A silence fell over the room as Collin and Jack stared at Wilkins, seriously fearing for the fate of men.

I make love like farm equipment—not to farm equipment. There is a difference, though my cousin can’t tell it.

A brick could be used to show support for your favorite team. They want to crush their opponents, and if you’ve got the arm strength and accuracy, you should do everything in your power to...

I had not, I said to myself, come into the future to carry on a miniature flirtation.

People love to love, but I love to sleep, and that is why cats are closer to God than bricks are to blankets. –Cap’n Kintz

If I could fly, I would soar all the way up to the window of a plane carrying a suitcase in my hand, then I’d motion toward the plane’s door and make an annoyed face...

A brick could be used in the back part of a director’s last name, to make an epic space odyssey.

Is he — a bit mad?” he asked Percy uncertainly.”Mad?” said Percy airily. “He’s a genius! Best wizard in the world! But he is a bit mad, yes. Potatoes, Harry?

Cover me!’ Augustus said as he jumped out from behind the wall and raced toward the school. Isaac fumbled for his controller and thenstarted firing while the bullets rained down on Augustus, who was shot...

My friend “M” says the irony of being a zombie is that everything is funny, but you can’t smile, because your lips have rotted off.

I’m telling you, the gorgeous of the world can actually look pretty intimidating when they scowl. Imagine a snow-white swan with a scary tattoo holding a chain saw. There’s just no way to really prepare...

Telling an introvert to go to a party is like telling a saint to go to Hell.

Our ability to delude ourselves may be an important survival tool.

A brick could be used to start your car, if your car’s keys are cube-shaped and huge. You know what else cube-shaped and huge? That’s right—my penis sheath.

Now that we know you’re not a hundred percent vampire you should stop trying to suck necks,” I said to Ziggy.”I’ll try,” Ziggy said, “but it’s a hard habit to break.

A blanket could be used to stop abuse. Don’t cover up the atrocity—cover up your head, because what you don’t see, may as well not exist.

For a split second, I wondered if he were some type of sexy sorcerer, who was able to remove my clothing by the force of his will alone. I squeezed my eyes shut and focused...

A brick could be used to replace a flat tire. After all, you want to replace like with like, and what’s more flat than a brick?

A human hires a hit man to kill his cousin for money, boring. That same hit man botches the job twice, funny. Then the desperate hit man sends a ghoul after the girl to finish...

A blanket could be used as a tarp to cover an outdoor swimming pool the size of a bed. As far as training goes, swimming is such a snooze of a sport that I think...

It may be appropriate to quote a statement of Poincare, who said (partly in jest no doubt) that there must be something mysterious about the normal law since mathematicians think it is a law of...

A brick could be used to stop potential terrorist plots. But it sure would be more effective if I could just record every single phone conversation, email, text message, Google search, and Skype video chat...

These are the best things I’ve ever had in my mouth!

A blanket could be used to mimic the mating call of my crumpled-up clone. Isn’t silence seductive?

Manners without sincerity, is called polite society

The manlier you are, the harder it is to understand what a woman wants: there is not a hint of female brain in you.

You guys are weird,” Tori said.Simon sat on the crate beside me. “That’s right. We are totally weird and completely uncool. Your popularity is plummeting just by being near us.

A brown blanket could be used in place of chocolate frosting on a cake, and since nobody will want to eat it, you’ll be left with more cake for yourself.

If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?

The ones who constantly make us laugh are the hardest of friends to know – for comedians are the caricatures among us.

Wisdom of the Ages: “Forgiveness” Steroids for the Soul.

A brick could be renamed something clever and cute, like President, and repackaged and resold to a solid base of sheep consumers every four years. The sheeple will never even notice that every new model...

So where did you get your information? Werewolves for Dummies? No, wait, you watched Underworld? Or maybe you were raised by wolves? Stop mewhen I’m warm.” – Shella

A brick could be used as a PRA, or Person Replacement Apparatus. Just give the brick a name, start talking to it, and before you know it you’ve got a friend for life. Say, do...

Dyslexic satan worshipers think they’re worshipping Santa.

Fang swerved closer to me, big and supremely graceful, like a black panther with wings. Oh, God. I’m so stupid. Forget I just said that. “He needs a Band-Aid,” I said. A look passed between...

Do you like my brother?” And there goes Dan’s confidence. He keeps his eyes resolutely on the field. “Uh… yes? I mean… I think everyone likes your brother, don’t they?” She leans over and gives...

Mountains could be what happens when Father Earth eats something that doesn’t agree with him. When he burps, mountains pop up.””That’s absurd,” Keselo said, trying not to laugh.”If you’ve got a better theory, I’d be...

When she emerged, Keith was watching the tiny round window of the under-the-counter washing machine. “Put your clothes in for a wash,” he said. “They were disgusting.”Ginny always thought that the only way of getting...

There you have it: our lives in a nutshell. Emphasis on nut.

Those sweet lips. My, oh my, I could kiss those lips all night long.Good things come to those who wait.

Life would be a great deal easier if dead things had the decency to remain dead.

Suits obviously had helped to promote bad government and he was as guilty as anyone for wearing them so steadfastly for twenty years. Of late he had become frightened of the government for the first...

Brick and Blanket could be the names of two characters in a screenplay full of witty dialogue like: Brick: Hello! Blanket: Hi! Brick: How are you? Blanket: Good. You? Brick: Good.

He will not let you come barging in to his world like the proverbial bull in the china shop.

A brick could be used like ice cream. But hold up, hold up. Let me put a bowl under it before you start licking, or else you’ll drip brick all over my blanket.

I didn’t think I wanted kids either until I had one,” is like me going to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting and telling the newly sober that eventually when they grow old, they’ll want to take...