If you want to keep people happy, just keep the food and entertainment rolling.

I dance for a living. At the early bird special you can find me—doing the worm.

Boredom can be a lethal thing on a small island.

In this world only the paranoid survive.

You’re 16 years old, you don’t know shit about shit, and PULL UP YOU’RE PANTS!!!

Yeah, okay. You’re right. I was having dinner with Zombie Carl the other night. You know, steak, rare, and a bottle of vintage type A. He told me all his secrets, but too bad for...

Shindana na wenzako kuwa juu zaidi katika tasnia uliyojichagulia.

A blanket could be used to stop the bleeding. But dammit you’re going to have to hurry, before I bleed out all over the carpet.

Please. If you were mostly dead in the middle of the road I’d obviously stop. And then I’d watch you die.”Kate to Will

A blanket could be used to make people smile. But the blanket won’t make just anyone smile—it will make people with no mouths smile. I plan on showing a live audience how it works at...

We insist,” I tossed in.

A brick could be used to test how fast you throw a baseball, if, you know, baseballs were cube-shaped and integral to the construction of houses.

That’s enough, Phineas,” said Dumbledore.

I can’t go to Amsterdam. One of my doctors thinks it’s a bad idea.”He was quiet for a second. “God,” he said. “I should’ve just paid for it myself. Should’ve just taken you straight from...

Oh. That’s okay then. ’Cause I really like bacon.

Could the two people who are making out please be quiet?” the Colonel asked loudly from his sleeping bag. “Those of us who are not making out are drunk and tired.

I don’t like sleeping in the dark jungle by myself.Ren

It’s funny. No matter how hard you try, you can’t close your heart forever. And the minute you open it up, you never know what’s going to come in. But when it does, you just...

A brick could be used to tell the world’s largest Yes what you really want to tell it, which is no. Tell that Yes no now, and use a brick to help you do it.

Do you see that man in the black Porsche?” I asked the women.They squinted out at Ranger. “Yes,” they said.”Your partner.””He’s homeless. He’s looking for a place to stay and he might be interested in...

A brick could be used to declare war on a country made of glass. I’ll bet those citizens would love to drink vodka dyed blue like window cleaner.

Manners, boy. I’ll beat them into you if I have to.

A brick could be used to illustrate your innocence. I can help you with that, because I brought a crayon.

Why did you tell her I’m your boyfriend? Why doesn’t she know about your real one? – TimmyHe’s English! And Mom…Mom hates foreigners! – Cat

A brick could be used to stop a murder. Just wedge it in front of the door of the murderer, and enclose him in his room.

. . . and together you’re what, the Super Friends?

A blanket could be used to stop terrorism. Unless that terrorist has a small knife, or really sharp teeth, and is able to chew through the cloth separating him from our American freedom.

Blackouts can be fun if approached with the right mindset. You just can’t sweat the fact that you’ve lost a small portion of your life for all eternity. Occasionally, little bubbles of memory will float...

I don’t need a blanket. I need your naked body on top of me.

Not that we’re prejudiced,” Theo teased.

I love this book like I love a brick and a blanket, which could be used to teach people the value of safe sex. Remember, if you’re going to have safe sex, try not to...

I’d die for your sins, but I’d probably enjoy them first

A blanket, when taken to the top of a mountain and laid flat, could be painted orange and used as a landing pad for when the aliens come to earth to save humanity. The only...

When Matthew merely stared at him, Jackson reached into the weapon box and pulled out a sheathed machete, handing it to the boy.Matthew laughed and dropped it.

A clone’s most valuable function would be as a gift giver, because who else but you knows exactly what you want? Only your clone. And besides being the perfect gift, it’d also be a surprise,...

Everything’s amazing right now, and nobody’s happy.

He runs his eye along the row of knives in their racks, the cleavers for splitting bones. He picks one up, looks at its edge, decides it needs sharpening and says, “Do you think I...

You’re starting to look like you did before, and that’s not good because what you looked like was complete shit, so get up and go to bed so I can stop acting like your mother....

A brick could be used to double back, donkey levitate cough meow cough meow hiss on giraffe shaft stroke a local bloke bludgeon Armageddon—not my arm, Sorry, I think I just had a stroke.

Beatrix wished she were a swooning sort of female. It seemed the only appropriate response to the situation.Unfortunately, no matter how she tried to summon a swoon, her mind remained intractably conscious.

It is not really hard to do nothing. Many can. The hard part is doing nothing without feeling guilty about it.

Cabel flicks his fingers at her, spraying her with water. Grinning. “Sure. I think I’m pretty lucky. I bet blind people have great sex. I’ll even wear a blindfold so it’s fair.” He bumps his...

Start thinking positively. You will notice a difference. Instead of “I think I’m a loser,” try “I definitely am a loser.” Stop being wishy-washy about things! How much more of a loser can you be...

Sydney did not believe in life after death, but in her experience, admitting this could lead to long and complicated discussions in which people seemed to think that since she did not believe in God...

A brick could be thrown, like a football, only instead of a wide receiver, I’d recommend sending out a politician to catch your pass.

It’s not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.

How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes…dies.

Maple thought optimistically that human beings, on their good days, weren’t much dimmer than sheep. Or at least, not much dimmer than dim sheep.

My name is Mr. Brickton, and this brick, it weighs a ton.

I just don’t believe in helping people who are going to torture me. Though I don’t see any bamboo slivers. How can you possibly torture someone without bamboo slivers?