As long as you are wearing a hat made out of shingles, you’ll always have a roof over your head.

I want to mass produce wretchedness. An unsatisfactory factory. Then I want to produce cologne and stench—at different ends of the production line. So it would be an olfactory factory.

A brick could be put on the end of a scale, to determine if the other end of the scale holds a lie or the truth. (Hint: The truth is much heavier than a brick.)

If you look up to see a shooting star, you might miss the silver dollar on the sidewalk. But no matter where you look, or where you travel, you’ll never get lost or arrive late...

If all women revealed their age, men would have nothing to hide from each other.

Aside from criminology, I’d say archaeology has the highest body count.

We need to save the forests. I have a big warehouse we can store them in.

I eat soup with chopsticks—and straws. And I make love with the surgical precision of a sledgehammer.

I love working with my hands. My writing is rough, my paper bruised with ink stains.

A brick could be used as a sex toy. Well, I say sex toy, but the politician strapped to the bed would probably say torture device.

I don’t know what weapons will be used in world war three, but in world war four people will use sticks and stones.

A brick could be used to tell how hard the wind is blowing. If the wind blows the brick around, I’d get out of there immediately.

If a weakly mortal is to do anything in the world besides eat the bread thereof, there must be a determined subordination of the whole nature to the one aim no trifling with time, which...

I always leave the toilet seat up. It’s just easier to wash my hair that way.

The dog growled again, long and ferocious. The hair on my neck tingled.And just when I knew he would attack, a horrible scream split the air, and Darlene passed out and fell over on her...

Love is a bronze statue sinking in quicksand. But if I hand you a lasso, will you try to save the statue—or use the lasso to hang yourself? If you need me, I’ll be here...

The recipe for great art has always been misery and a good bowel movement.

Life is better than death, I believe, if only because it is less boring, and because it has fresh peaches in it.

I just called you corny and said you were wearing a green dress. That’s, like, the least flirtatious thing anyone’s ever said.””I’m willing to believe it’s the least flirtatious thing you’ve ever said.””Why are you...

Intelligence is more important than strength, that is why earth is ruled by men and not by animals.

To be the best, you have to be willing to do what nobody does. And today, if nobody reads and nobody works hard, then you also have to give up reading and become lethargic to...

Yes, that is the official term.

Kissimmee has the best name, other than Hugsburg and Fornicatesville.

His heart beat so rapidly it might burst; he kept telling himself everything was fine so long as he remained a giraffe.

Thomas was sick of being accused of knowing things.

They also have a sense of irony, which America doesn’t have seeing as it’s being run by fundamentalists who take things literally.

I like to bunch words together to form new words, like “off” and “ice” to form “office.” But I have no idea what an office is, because I avoid work like the plague. Is office...

Jace said that the cast of Gilligan’s Island could do something anatomically unlikely with themselves.

My love is in the shape of a car, and when it hits you you’ll notice.

He bursts into tears, and not some manlike tears either, where you pretend you’re brushing something off your face and, incidentally, wipe a tear. Nope. He starts bawling like a kid who spilled his Slushie…

I loved her bravely, like a fighter turned sprinter. I loved her so fiercely that I never even dared speak of my feelings. And because I displayed as much passion as a statue, our relationship...

Jeez, you’re strong.” And you, Sam, are a conversational reject.

I like you, and I, like you, love me.

Well, that our main concern is that Iraq should not become a divided country.

What does it say about me that I don’t say much? It doesn’t say I love you, and that’s sad, because when I ignore you, that’s exactly what I’m trying to tell you.

When those lips engulfed my head, I said to myself later, ‘nothing else will ever touch this scalp again’. I couldn’t help it, though. I lathered sunscreen on it unthinkingly the next day before I...

I sorted my sordid sort ofs from my maybes. Then I made love like never before. Seriously, I’d never made love before, and I have to say, it didn’t cost me as much money as...

Our nannas are losers.

I’m now ‘Doctor’ to the patients and I have to cover my ignorance by waving my arms and looking grave.

Okay, you gotta be nice to him, ” I say, coaxing the white fur-ball into my hands. “I will,” Nate says, and I smile over my shoulder. “I was actually talking to Mr. Pippi. He’s...

A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Self-knowledge is better than self-control any day,” Raquel said firmly. “And I know myself well enough to know how I act around cookies.

If ye canna see the bright side o’ life, polish the dull side

I’m much more than a writer – I’m someone who puts different words together in an interesting way.

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I...

It would actually constitute more than a miracle, he realised. It would take divine intervention plus luck, plus some unknown element of cosmic wizardry.

It’s said that sport is the civilised society’s substitute for war, and also that the games we play as children are designed to prepare us for the realities of adult life. Certainly it’s true that...

If you want to keep people happy, just keep the food and entertainment rolling.

I dance for a living. At the early bird special you can find me—doing the worm.

Boredom can be a lethal thing on a small island.