I find it interesting that Jesus was born the same day every year and rises from the dead a different day every year

If you want to know my story, you have to go back to the beginning. Not the beginning-beginning, but about nine months later. You see, I was born as a poor farm boy. Believe it...

Secret 80916003. If it doesn’t hurt when they snatch it, it isn’t worth dangling.

When a guy at the urinal says to me, “If you shake it more than twice, you’re playing with it,” I like to look over at him, grab his ass, and say, “Shh. I’m about...

The rain in Ukraine falls mainly on the insane.

Love is the only gift that’s acceptable to give away as soon as you get it.

The man may be the head of the household. But the woman is the neck, and she can turn the head whichever way she pleases.

You can tell a lot about a person’s character by how they do life’s menial tasks. For example, I saw my neighbor washing dishes, and I could immediately tell that he was an adulterer by...

Here’s a creepy web trick: do a Google image search on ‘my grandma.’ … It’s her, isn’t it?

I went out to eat on a restaurant’s opening night. It was packed! I guess people heard I’d be dining there and came to adore me.

The Norman conquest forever changed English from a mix of bad German and bad Latin, to a mix of bad German, bad Latin, and bad German-Latin.

It’s not uncommon for me to be early to meetings by as much as a half a gallon. I guess the reason I am so punctual is because I have a very fluid concept of...

How do I know you’re who you say you aren’t?

All I can do is look at him. Up close, I get a better view; there’s no denying the fact he is really, really good-looking, in this rakish, edgy, badass, I-just-rolled-out-of-bed-and-screw-you-I-don’t-need-a-mirror kind of way.

For two years I was seeing a sex therapist. I’m now seeing a sex therapist.

I don’t understand people who don’t like meatloaf. Your mom doesn’t make it like Michael Aday does.

Misery, thy name is Mudslide

Remember Stalingrad. Remember the crash of 1929. Remember the Industrial Revolution. Now remember that I am the proletariat cog in the machine that causes the meltdown of the aristocratic assembly line. Ben Franklin was a...

Secret 400. Those who complain that it’s lonely at the top never invite you up there to keep them company.

The first two letters of her name were M and E and I thought, Yes! Finally, a name I can relate to.

Flattery will get me nowhere? That’s a hell of a lot better than the place I am now.

On March 5th, I’m having my birthday celebration. The party starts at midnight, and ends at 12:01 AM. Don’t be late!

If a piano fell from the sky, my first reaction would be, Oh my God! I hope it didn’t crush my bag of chips I left lying on the ground.

You can’t put a price tag on human life. But if you could, I’d demand coupons for clones.

Being sociable is a skill you can learn. It’s like throwing a spiral, riding a bicycle, or murdering your clone’s lover, who also happens to be your girlfriend.

You can’t have fish tacos if you still have the hook in your mouth!” And while I have no idea what he meant, or how it’s relevant, I tell that story to any indigenous Mexican...

A brick is what I’m voting for for President. And guess what? If you’re voting for a Republican or Democrat, so are you.

Where is the pizza I ordered 33 minutes ago? I specifically called for pizza to be delivered. The pizza’s missing, and so is the delivery guy. I hope nobody finds his body in the woods,...

Love your wife, your servant and your enemy equally, and file her credit card bills under the ‘enemy’ folder.

A brick could be used as a logo for a company called Blanket. A right turn signal in the left turn only lane could be used to represent a company called Brick.

Divorce runs high these days, but I’m an exception to the norm. I got divorced when marriage was still popular.

Broccoli, it’s what’s for breakfast. This morning let us make love like we’re both still asleep. I’ll hit the snooze if you find the lube.

If you want more development in your relationship, move to an urban area.

A blanket could be used to show people the benefits of sleeping with a parachute—especially if you’ve got a flying bed like I do.

She tried to smile sympathetically, but with her face it wasn’t quite possible.

A brick could be used to monitor earthquakes. If the brick crumbles apart, you can bet an earthquake occurred.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

I killed him, but that doesn’t mean I enjoyed every second of every month of the torture process.

I want to know God’s thoughts… the rest are details

I always carry a spoon in my pocket. You know, just in case it rains.

WHAT DO WE WANT?! PATIENCE! WHEN DO WE WANT IT?! NOW!

What if I got hit by lightning while walking with an umbrella? Ban umbrellas! Fight the menace of lightning!

Now I know this is going to seem counter to every instinct that you have, but I’m going to ask you to sit still, or I’ll put you in the trunk.

This doesn’t mean you’re getting a discount.”Audrey heaved a mock sigh. “Oh well. I guess I’ll have to ply you with sexual favors, then.”Gnome choked on the soup. “I’m old enough to be your grandfather!”Audrey...

It’s equally my obligation as a comedian to point out what is wrong with us and get us talking about our problems as it is pointing out what’s wrong (with) the way, for example, the...

A man grows weary of having no lovers but his fingers.

Gideon could not imagine any other young unmarried woman of his acquaintance passing up the opportunity to snare, if not himself, then the Carradice fortune. In any case, the number of women who’d rejected him...

Every time we made love, one of us cried. Mostly it was me, out of joy, but occasionally it was her, out of despair.

(Sookie’s Thoughts on Debbie Pelt) she had been cruel to Alcide, insulted me grievously, burned a hole in my favorite wrap and—oh—tried to kill me by proxy. Also, she had stupid hair.

I think a cool band name would be War Dwarf. Of course, I’m entirely too tall and peaceful to be a member. Not to mention nonmusical.