Writers don’t get mad they get even in their novels.

So what are you planning to do with the rest of your life?Develop a drinking problem. More Scotch, please.

Breaking away from Gideon with some reluctance, Sophie rose to her feet and dusted off her dress. “Please forgive me, my dear Mr. Lightwood- I mean Gideon- but I must go and murder the cook....

Revel in grossness. Leave food in your teeth. Proudly display feminine hygiene products.

I thought, What a miserable life he’s had, having to hide his religion, his name, just to get a jobas a driver—and he is a good driver, no question of it, a far better one...

I saw her from across the room, and I knew I was in love. I also knew why I’d seen no urinals, as I was clearly in the wrong bathroom.

…She says with that mistyfar-away look in her eyes. Like conjunctivitis.

My love for her is as nuanced as a Nancy, and I wish her name were Nancy so I could more effectively convey my love for her.

Improvisation is almost like the retarded cousin in the comedy world. We’ve been trying forever to get improvisation on TV. It’s just like stand-up. It’s best when it’s just left alone. It doesn’t translate always...

Liquid kittens would be drinkable cuddles. You wouldn’t ever be thirsty for love.

A customer facing crucial decisions: What should I wipe myself with? What should I brush with? His personal hygiene was deteriorating rapidly as he stared at the rows of possibilities, sweating profusely. Would he ever...

I want her when she doesn’t want me, and I don’t want her when she wants me. Now that’s love in the 21st century!

I’m bored with that line. I never use it anymore. My new line is “In 15 minutes everybody will be famous.

If you were anyone else, your nuts would be taking a long vacation, and the destination would be out of your mouth

The secret to happiness is a good sense of humor with adult content.

I’ll kill you with kindness. And if that doesn’t work, I’ll kill you with something deadlier, like a karate chop.

All of my best friends are dead people. Someday I’ve got to figure out how that happened.

A princess always takes care that her words are honeyed, for she may have to eat them

But Amy,” Elder says. “Space suits!

Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?

Eating be eating, b’ain’t it, Birdie?”Nay, Uncle Bear: In Caermelor, at the Royal Court, they be so-oh, so much more advanced than anywhere else. ‘Tis not done to wipe your fingers on your hair or...

My operational cover won’t withstand scrutiny. It starts blushing and giggling every time.

I could make dinner with one hand. Especially if I was serving Masturbation Stew.

Sometimes, when it’s going badly, she wonders if what she believes to be a love of the written word is really just a fetish for stationery. The true writer, the born writer, will scribble words...

I got my wife a mood ring. It works real good! When shes in a good mood it turns blue, but when shes in a bad mood theres a red mark across my forehead

That’s for you, Mr. Bunnyman. You can have it on your way back up, after the job is finished

The Shrink always warned me that carriers stay wracked with lifelong guilt. It’s not an uplifting thing having turned lovers into monsters. We feel bad that we haven’t turned into monsters ourselves–survivor’s guilt, that’s called....

Claws to self, Vampira, I assume you brush your teeth twice a day but I have no idea where those hands of yours have been.

He was so drunk that he would have stubbornly denied that he was.

All he’d done was lose her underwear and practically get her blown up.Hell. This had to be the absolute worst first date of her life.

Pops: How about you finish this sentence for me, Jason? When a girl says no she means…Justin, looking desperately at me: No?Nana: Are you sure?Justin, shifting uncomfortably: I’m sure. No means no.Nana: Well look at...

In bed, I can go for hours. Oh yes, I love naps.

It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.

A brick could be used to help you get used to the fact that you’ve been used. I’ve been used to, so I know what you’re going through. You’re going through a dark tunnel, and...

This shit is easy peasy, pumpkin peasy, pumpkin pie, muthafucka!

Somehow, Sydney had an internal clock that told her when time was up. I think it was part of her inherent ability to keep track of a hundred things at once. Not me. In these...

Bricks could be used to make a billion dollars. It’s easy! All you need to do is fill up a shopping cart full of bricks, park it outside of a grocery store, and wait for...

He and the girl had almost nothing to say to each other. One thing he did say was, ‘I ain’t got any tattoo on my back.”What you got on it?’ the girl said.’My shirt,’ Parker...

I’ve seen daggers pierce the chest,Children dying in the road,Crawling things hooked and baited,Rapists bound and then castrated,Villains singed in public square.Yet none these sights did make me cringeLike when my Love cut all her...

Bricks could be used as breast implants. Lady Squaretits is really particular about the shape of her boobs.

You know that’s why mermaids swim around topless all the time, right? It’s because their boobs are too big and all bras are C shells.

If my name was Richard, I’d go by Richard or Rich…not Dick. Hell I’d even settle for being called Chard.

Was it animal pee or human pee? Someone asked.How would I know? What, am I an expert in the study of pee?

A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.

Your level of neuroses will only find love in a made-for-TV movie.

I had the great idea of using markers to gently color the ants so I could tell them apart, but I learned that this is exactly like somebody trying to gently color on you with...

I am the Magic Chicken of Desire. Just add water. And a brick and a blanket.

It’s not called being gay, it’s called being fabulous!

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

A blanket could help me tell you I love you. Well, it could if I did, but I don’t, so I’ll just use the blanket to go to sleep on our relationship.