Spartacus,” I called, “how’s it hanging?” Probably not too well. Once you’re dead, had your organs removed, and are resurrected as an undead mummified cat, your testicles probably looked like old raisins that had rolled...

Come on,” I said, taking his hand. Clutching the afghan with the other hand, he trailed down the hall after me, a snow white giant in tiny red underwear.

lying in bed with Johnny Depp sussing out which males are what kind of pet from their clothes.

You don’t have any friends, your sister dumped you, you’re a freak eater..and you’ve got some weird thing about Simon Snow.””I object to every single thing you just said.”Reagan chewed. And frowned. She was wearing...

I am not going to give you disclaimers about what you can expect to find in my story. I went through menopause recently and find I don’t much care about anyone’s sensibilities anymore. I am...

Have you been waiting in this line her whole life?

It was funny. I gave her the sheet and she said, ‘Mrs. Solar, I’m sweating.’ She was stunned.

There was a small wooden gazebo built out over the water; Isabelle was sitting in it, staring out across the lake. She looked like a princess in a fairy tale, waiting at the top of...

I have never seduced a fish taco for selfish reasons. I am an altruistic lover.

[When asked what he wants for his tombstone epitaph]Since I’m an atheist, and have no belief whatsoever in life after death, I couldn’t care less — it’s not like it’ll have any impact on me,...

Rachel opened her mouth to respond, but the head cut her off.

When the sky is blue, I think of her. When the sky is gray, I think of her. When the sky is black, I think of her. But when the sky is orange, I think...

I cannot go to school today”Said little Peggy Ann McKay.”I have the measles and the mumps,A gash, a rash and purple bumps.My mouth is wet, my throat is dry.I’m going blind in my right eye.My...

Drink, fuck and smoke plenty of cigarettes.

Imagine there is a balloon tied to a severed human hand. As it floats into the sky it flaps in the breeze, and whether you perceive it to be waving hello or goodbye determines whether...

America used to live by the motto “Father Knows Best.” Now we’re lucky if “Father Knows He Has Children.” We’ve become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.

There was expectations that the fights there, the operation there might be extended for several months, even for several years. But within a few weeks it ended, because obviously the Taliban wasn’t a real force.

I wish my nipples spiraled around and could play records. I could spin love songs while you made love to me like you were a DJ.

Rumo!” said Rumo. “That’s right!” Smyke exclaimed. “You Rumo, me Smyke.” “You Rumo, me Smyke.” Rumo repeated eagerly. “No, no.” Smyke chuckled.

A company could use bricks to measure their growth rate. How many bricks have angry investors thrown at you lately? If the answer is none, then your growth rate is probably pretty good… for the...

People are temporary, but love is eternal.

Scrawny? Baby, I invented scrawny. Scrawny is the new sizzling hot.

The world looks very different to me now at twenty. I have outgrown my early opinions and ideals with my short dresses, just as Mrs. Walton said we would. Now the critics can say ‘Thou...

What is pink, blurry, and always leaving when you’re arriving? Love.

No funny business. I’ll scream and dead or not it will hurt your ears

We really need to find a cure for stupidity, and fast! I’ve heard it’s contagious…No wonder why there’s so many of them.

Sure. What’s the worst that could happen.” Twenty minutes later, we had our answer. “I can’t frecking believe this.”I cringed. “I’m so sorry.””I’m bald!” Giguhl continued. “I look like a freak.””It’s not that bad,” I...

I think it’s because my comedy is in your face, and it comes from a place that’s real.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man, and our politicians take advantage of this prejudice by pretending to be even more...

You going to stay in there all night, because we’re getting tired of trying to eavesdrop from out here. Can’t hear a damn thing.

Sam gave Captain Suicide a droll stare. “How did you die again? Oh wait, I know this. ‘I can take ’em. I don’t need to wait for reinforcements. I can do it myself.’ How’d that...

The fact that you and I are acquaintances only interested and amused the ghosts further. Gossip bunch, really.

Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.

Stupid male ego.

Tatiana is a ridiculously curvy thing of dreams, with smooth succulent thighs, long strawberry blond cascading beneath a teal bandana, and a nympho sparkle in her eyes that says pick me, lick me, spank me,...

What would make them think I was the model for Midori?!” She told me to fix the misunderstanding immediately, so that’s why I’m writing this reply now. Please stop causing problems in my household. Thank...

I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.

If you want to find out if someone is a true bookworm or not, give them a thousand page novel and see what happens.

I was beginning to think that Simon just had a bad case of OCD, ADD, and PMS. With a little BS and OMG mixed in.

A horse blanket, Mel?I remembered what I was wearing. ‘It tore in half when Hrani tried washing it. She was going to mend it. This piece was too small for a horse, but it was...

please” anyone but themselves

The police called it choking, but I called it a two-handed neck hug. That’s how I knew she really loved me.

First rule of thievery,’ Eli said, grinning, ‘only run if you’re not coming back.’ (…) ‘First rule of thievery, never use the same entrance twice.’ Miranda rolled her eyes. ‘How many ‘first rules’ of thievery...

Go slowly, so that you do not bite your tail by accident.

Ten Things You Shouldn’t Say on a Date.1. You’re wearing that?2. Something smells funny.3. Where’s the Tylenol?4. And to think, I first wanted to date your brother.5. I have a confession to make…6. My dad...

He started to touch the mechanism under the keyboard, then pulled his hand back with a snap.”Ah,” he said. “Must deactivate the security….Turn around, please.””What?””Turn around, Claire. It’s a secure password!””You have GOT to be...

Tumia kipaji ulichopewa na Mungu.

What do you think is the problem? You’re a cute kid-­‐uh, guy. Man. You’re a cuteman.

Only dead fishes go with the flow.. I guess that make me a dead fish!

Love is meant to be sipped, rather than chugged, like a glass of wine you drink strait from the bottle.