In third grade I thought I loved her – by sixth grade, I was sure of it

She made an impatient noise. “By the Angel, you don’t know anything about your kid, do you? Do you even really know how vampires are made?””Well, when a mommy vampire and a daddy vampire love...

There’s no room for love in my life. My car trunk is already full of groceries, a spare tire, and two kidnap victims.

A Penny Saved is a Penny Earned

Love is missing your flight because you have a train to catch. I also have a football to catch.

She oozes the kind of over-confidence that only comes to people who wear deep red lipstick and sparkly tissue sarees in bright daylight.

There’s lots of love in Ocala. Must be something in the water. That’s probably why I have to pee so much.

If you do a scene and you really like a character in it or a premise in it to write it down and to work on it so that you can have five or six...

Feed me, you moron.

If the Lord hasn’t got a boyfriend lined up for me to marry, that’s his business.

I once tried to shave my mustache off with a toothbrush. Just one example of my skills as a lover.

How did I end up in this situation? I’m the district sales manager of a napkin factor. Why is my daughter in space?

Rhiannon’s Law #22. You can’t lie to yourself, so don’t bother trying. Doing so only multiplies your douchebag level to the umpteenth power and confirms what others have been saying for years – that you...

Oh, so there were angels and demons, but no vampires? No mysterious, super-hot bloodsuckers who would love you forever? Now that was totally unfair.

I’m still at work. I’m also still at work (I’m trying to remain motionless until the end of my shift).

Soak blanket in gravy and make a delicious brick wrap. Serve in All Gravy Room at the Mandrake Hotel.

I don’t have tears running down my cheeks. Those are egg yokes, and yes, it means I’m in love.

You’ve messed with the wrong god if you get keys to willy wonka chocolate factory and diabetes the same day..

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

What is it about hairdressers? You tell them ‘not too short’ and some part of their hairdresser brain hears this as ‘whack the shit out of it.’ If you never say, ‘not too short,’ everything...

I walk like a guitar being strummed, and I love like cheese being forced through a grater. I like my nachos covered in melted music.

Gee thanks. Was that supposed to be a compliment?

I’m a terrible person. I should have stayed in college. I should have gone skydiving while I had the chance. I should have gone swimming with dolphins. I should have seen The Spice Girls perform...

Abby Von Normal – And I’m like, “Don’t change the subject, Kung Pao, what I want to know is if you’re ready to spend some up-close and personal time with ninety pounds of barbarian woman-flesh!...

She wondered what he really saw when he looked at her. God, she hoped she didn’t look like his mother or anything. That would be veering into a Hitchcock shower scene that she really didn’t...

I hated meatloaf. It was like something that Satan pooped out after an eternity of constipation. So I told Mom because I was honest that way. I sat back, squared my shoulders, and met her...

CPR dummy looked like him and had clearly been stabbed. Repeatedly. In the groin. He thought she might have used the dummy for target practice, and tried not to be offended. Key word: tried.

I make love like sausage is to bacon as brick is to blanket. Somebody get me some utensils. And some lubrication (not Castrol Motor Oil).

Roses are red, violets are blue, I have five fingers, the middle one is for you.

Give me one friend, just one, who meets The needs of all my varying moods.

A blanket could be used to help my career. Things have gone cold in this economic depression, so anything to help warm things up would be most welcomed.

A writer’s brain is full of little gifts, like a piñata at a birthday party. It’s also full of demons, like a piñata at a birthday party in a mental hospital. The truth is, it’s...

A brick and blanket could be used to turn my words around like backwards high heels on my tongue .

There was no way to have a civilized conversation with that guy. It’s like he was raised by giraffes or something.

Daddy is trying really fugging hard to think of a not-terrifying reason why you’d wake Daddy up in the middle of the night to ask that fugging question. But no. No. Daddy does not have...

If you fall, I’ll be the there

How Superheroes Make Money: – Spider-Man knits sweaters. – Superman screw the lids on pickle jars. – Iron Man, as you would suspect, just irons.

A brick could be used as a pettable non-furry and non-meowing cat.

(On having being just proposed to)’Have you been thinking of this for long?’ she managed jerkily, praying for the shock to recede so that she could behave a little more normally.’Let’s say it crept up...

A blanket could be used to teach geography to a sleeping man. Better do it quick, before he wakes up and finds himself in the middle of World War III with no idea where he...

You laugh because you haven’t heard my mother’s thirty-minute verbal dissertation on appropriate seasonal flower choices. We’re better off letting her yell at us for being dirty, premarital fornicators.

In spite of all the sparring that went on between us, I sort of liked Morelli. Good judgment told me to stand clear of him, but then I’ve never been a slave to good judgment.

A brick could be used to make yourself taller. It’s like self-esteem, only easier to use in the construction of a house.

When you feel neglected, think of the female salmon, who lays 3,000,000 eggs but no one remembers her on Mother’s Day

Dude! Get a fucking grip, it’s just a song!When had I turned into a 5-yr-old girl? At the very least, I needed to get my libido under control before the song finished, because I didn’t...

Never mind gas masks and fallout shelters in the event of biological warfare. Many New Yorkers move from place to place equipped with the essentials of vermin assault weaponry: mouse traps, roach spray, and sticky...

I’m not the one going for a biology degree. I’m just a philosophy major who eats people.

I heard the car door shut and then Fabian’s voice. “You won’t believe what I found around the edge of your property,” the ghost announced. “A cave with prehistoric painting inside it!” I rolled my...

A brick could be used to help you to become a karate master, like I am. It’s easy to punch the brick and break it, but can you punch a brick, shatter it, and then...

The man in 4B wondered if he could have your autograph. He told me his daughter is a huge fan.”Fan? What the hell? Dylan lifted himself up and looked over the back of his seat....