All right, I’ll wait another two thousand years to make jokes about my evilness.

All I can think about is bed.””We’re sharing the same thought.””You’re thinking about bed too?” But Patch had told me that he rarely slept. “I’m thinking about you in my bed.

My name is Mr Bread.” He began writing his name neatly on the board. “But you can call me Peter.”Suddenly there was quiet, as thirty little brains whirred.”Pita Bread!” proclaimed a ginger-haired boy from the...

Nothing is funnier than unhappiness.

The world is your lobster!

I said I was sorry, Dani…” Kevin said, as they entered the apartment.”I’m so not talking to you.””I couldn’t help it! She was so funny, and you were blushing, and… gawd, Dani, I couldn’t help...

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go ‘aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

There wasn’t a lot of bullshit in my heaven.

At the door, Audrey called, “Are you coming?””No, just breathing hard, love.” He glanced at her and was rewarded by an outraged glare, followed by, “Oh, my God!

Jonathan!”I loved carrying her around in my arms. After all, modern man is just an illusion, we’re all still cavemen. We just wear better clothes now.

We needed a refrigerator for our new place and I’ve never bought a refrigerator my whole life. I went into the appliance store, there’s like 900 of ’em lined up, there’s a salesman there. What’s...

Be careful you don’t cut yourself. The edges are sharp enough to shave with.”Girls don’t shave’, Arya said.’Maybe they should. Have you ever seen the septa’s legs?

I’m getting tired of this guy’s shirt.

Well, go on then, Abby; run along and let the nice man compromise you.

A shower curtain would make a great dress. If I make it for you, will you make love to me? Before you answer, you should know that I’m a bring my own bathtub kind of...

Wrong amulet!”The technique worked, at any rate. The camel wasn’t much of a fighter, but it was quite heavy and clumsy. The criosphinx snarled and clawedat the floor, trying unsuccessfully to push the camel off;...

Come on,” I said, taking his hand. Clutching the afghan with the other hand, he trailed down the hall after me, a snow white giant in tiny red underwear.

lying in bed with Johnny Depp sussing out which males are what kind of pet from their clothes.

But I think funny and talent will always win out; I mean, of course there are hurdles, but I think if you’re funny you will get over all of that.

I am not going to give you disclaimers about what you can expect to find in my story. I went through menopause recently and find I don’t much care about anyone’s sensibilities anymore. I am...

Have you been waiting in this line her whole life?

The driver got out smiling. He looked about seventeen or eighteen, and for a second, I had the uneasy feeling it was Luke, my old enemy. This guy had the same sandy hair and outdoorsy...

There was a small wooden gazebo built out over the water; Isabelle was sitting in it, staring out across the lake. She looked like a princess in a fairy tale, waiting at the top of...

I have never seduced a fish taco for selfish reasons. I am an altruistic lover.

Does he give you zings in your things?

Rachel opened her mouth to respond, but the head cut her off.

When the sky is blue, I think of her. When the sky is gray, I think of her. When the sky is black, I think of her. But when the sky is orange, I think...

Seven smirked as he walked back over to me. “I gave you catharsis last night. Twice.

Drink, fuck and smoke plenty of cigarettes.

Imagine there is a balloon tied to a severed human hand. As it floats into the sky it flaps in the breeze, and whether you perceive it to be waving hello or goodbye determines whether...

Then Leo realized something was blocking the middle of his view. Something large and fuzzy, and so close, Leo had to cross his eyes to see it properly. It was a large, ugly face. “Holy...

There was expectations that the fights there, the operation there might be extended for several months, even for several years. But within a few weeks it ended, because obviously the Taliban wasn’t a real force.

I wish my nipples spiraled around and could play records. I could spin love songs while you made love to me like you were a DJ.

I haven’t met that many women, human or angelic, who actually like to drive. In my experience they seem to be much more pragmatic about the whole thing than we are. For most males, driving...

A company could use bricks to measure their growth rate. How many bricks have angry investors thrown at you lately? If the answer is none, then your growth rate is probably pretty good… for the...

People are temporary, but love is eternal.

Perv.”He pointed to himself. “Male and eighteen. What’s your point?

The world looks very different to me now at twenty. I have outgrown my early opinions and ideals with my short dresses, just as Mrs. Walton said we would. Now the critics can say ‘Thou...

What is pink, blurry, and always leaving when you’re arriving? Love.

A rap at the back door made her jump, and she peered through the window for a long time before she eased open the door a crack. She left the security chain on. ‘What do...

We really need to find a cure for stupidity, and fast! I’ve heard it’s contagious…No wonder why there’s so many of them.

Sure. What’s the worst that could happen.” Twenty minutes later, we had our answer. “I can’t frecking believe this.”I cringed. “I’m so sorry.””I’m bald!” Giguhl continued. “I look like a freak.””It’s not that bad,” I...

The saga started out a normal day—don’t they all? I mean, surely one morning back there in prehistoric times a dinosaur woke up, yawned, chewed some coffee beans, and thought his day was going to...

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man, and our politicians take advantage of this prejudice by pretending to be even more...

You going to stay in there all night, because we’re getting tired of trying to eavesdrop from out here. Can’t hear a damn thing.

Far be it from me to slow down two badass supermodels on a mission, but we have a problem,” a male voice said wryly.I could see Christian out of the corner of my eye as...

The fact that you and I are acquaintances only interested and amused the ghosts further. Gossip bunch, really.

Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.

I love iconoclasts. I love individuals. I love people that are true to themselves, whatever the cost.

Tatiana is a ridiculously curvy thing of dreams, with smooth succulent thighs, long strawberry blond cascading beneath a teal bandana, and a nympho sparkle in her eyes that says pick me, lick me, spank me,...