Love is when you love someone’s spirit as much as their body, even if their spirit has departed and their body is buried wherever you hid it.

To attract men, I wear a perfume called “New Car Interior.”

Piers looked up at him. ‘You’re new. What’s your name?’ ‘Neythen, my lord.”Sounds like a terrible illness. No, more like a bowel problem. I’m sorry, Lord Sandys, your son has contracted neythen and won’t live...

How did you do it?” I brought the teacup to my mouth for another sip. “How did you guide Sophie’s soul? I thought you were a reaper.””He’s both,” Nash said from behind me, and I...

I want to go to all the topless bars in America and try to sell every single one of them a roof.

a purveyor of insipid wet-dreams.

Grandpa always used to make me ride in the bed of his pickup truck, so he could keep up his conversations with the 100-pound sack of manure he kept buckled up in the passenger seat....

If you have the choice between humble and cocky, go with cocky. There’s always time to be humble later, once you’ve been proven horrendously, irrevocably wrong.

Yield.

By stripping it of natural moisturizers, ethnic cleansers leave your ethnicity dry, wrinkled and flaky.

It was like my uterus was tapping out a happy dance on the rest of my organs. God, I was dying the longest, most tortuous, and arousing death in the history of the world.

Power exercised under the cloak of national security is odious. But power exercised under the microkini of national security is totally hot.

If someone invited you to a flash mob, would you wear a bra?

Once you’ve played a real video game about war, you don’t understand how people can play video games about video games about war.

According to research from punchaguywithglasses.com, homeless people are making as much money as most recent college graduates.

It’s beginning to look like the reports of that Chinese search vessel hearing ‘a ping’ may have been a mistranslation.

I really want to see you tonight, so I hope you leave your blinds open.

As long as espionage is less expensive than remotely controlling people’s brains, CIA will continue to remotely control people’s brains.

I remember the first time I fogged up your astronaut’s helmet. That night we made space like outer love. But I kept it cool like Coors Light in the fridge, even though I felt heavy...

Secret 83919240. Money is the poot of all evil.

Here’s something for you to hang your dreams on, pal.

There’s a little bit of James Angleton in every CIA officer. Counterintelligence implants a portion of Angleton’s DNA inside us when we EOD.

I Google myself to find out who I am as a person.

Intelligence Forecast of the Week. Coming soon: the bloodiest film ever – nothing but close-ups of red blood cells, plasma and platelets.

I am the burrito in the taco. Hold your skepticism, and the lettuce.

I grabbed my purse, which was conveniently place by the front door. Gabriel was such a considerate abductor/host. He even left the front door unpadlocked.

Hoping to get a head start on the next day, I eat breakfast the night before. That way I can sleep in until two in the afternoon.

Secret 89.487. Transparent is the new black.

I’m on the west coast. I am Lewis and Clark. I am Lewis Clark. Like the time I got a Denver Omelet in Dallas with a girl named Charlotte Washington.

A brick could be used as a measurement of time. Yes, just think how stylish you’ll look with a brick duct taped to your wrist!

A blanket isn’t the solution, a blanket is the problem. I say we burn all the blankets, along with the bodies of the unbelievers.

A brick could be used for pressing grapes into wine, and a magician could then cover up that wine with a blanket and turn wine into water.

His was a great sin who first invented consciousness. Let us lose it for a few hours.

Love is like a free lunch. You won’t find any in this life, because I had yours for breakfast.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.

I once inscribed the word “Ennui” backwards on my forehead, and I was so bored that I stared at it in the mirror for hours. And at the end of that time, I felt like...

I’m always hearing that everyone needs someone to love, but I just don’t think people are interchangeable like that.

I’m probably the last person on earth who will tell you I want to be the last person on earth.

Every child that receives life advice should keep in mind that in every parent’s past, there’s leftover booze and contraceptives.

She wasn’t much for words, but she told me she loved me in other ways, like showing me her main superpower—invisibility. I often wouldn’t see her for weeks straight, and for her to show me...

I did not approve of your action—I was merely congratulating myself. What you mistook for clapping was merely me giving myself multiple high fives.

Remind me to show you the latest e-mail from Courtney,” he said now, kicking at a rock on the sidewalk. “You won’t believe how many different incorrect ways she spelled hors d’oeuvres within the span...

A blanket might make the ideal politician, because they’re warm, comforting, soft, and easily corruptible.

If I don’t love something, is it still OK to set it free?

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

I fish better than any fish alive.

Maybe if they had put a little more effort into it, the labor theory of value would be better appreciated today.

We still have a lot to talk about,” I said. “Talk?” He shook his head, his eyes full of desire. Kiss, he whispered to my thoughts.

I have developed a flavorless soup that’s indistinguishable from hot water. It’s the first soup to taste great frozen. Would you like some to go, in a thermos?

The Vulcan Neck Pinch is not half as powerful as the Vulcan Groin Kick, but it’s more politically correct