I told the Inland Revenue I didn’t owe them a penny because I lived near the seaside.

my problem is that my body acts before my brain thinks… it sometimes brings me huge trouble, or also huge success. recently, my body and brain got come to an agreement. it may be far...

Everything has taken on a strange, distant quality – the sounds of running and shouting outside get warped and weird like they’re being filtered through water, and Alex looks miles away. I start to think...

This kind of mixing of ingredients happens all the time at fast-food places… You know when you order french fries and there’s a rogue onion ring at the bottom. You know, at first you’re alarmed...

You blew up half the town.

I toss and turn so much in my sleep that the very act of sleeping must be exhausting for me. Sleeping makes me want to sleep even more.

I watch old school film so that I can learn so much that I just sort of miss all the new stuff.

You tell me you love me, but I’m not sure you know what love is, or how fast it flies, or how much it resembles a UFO, or what kind of weapon you’d use to...

If heaven was created only for the most stupid clown, then Mr Bean could have been the only righteous man on earth.

I believe the love shared between two people shouldn’t be secretly shared with a third. Not even if I am vacationing on the moon, and that third person is my clone.

The man you’re going to marry should be like a brick: strong, sturdy, supportive and almost always hard in your presence.

Love is like war, except without all the blood and death and stuff.

I beg your pardon?” He sounded almost polite suddenly, as if he believed he couldn’t possibly have heard right.

This guy was a class act. And that class was Acting 101. If I were the professor, I’d have given him an F—for murder.

Shut up, idiot.

I had an uneventful few days,” it told her. “The most exciting thing was an hour-long lecture from the headmaster on taking our studies seriously. He said next year’s exam will arrive sooner than we...

Absolutely.

The only reason my wife agreed to marry me is because Christian Bale wasn’t around to propose to her.

He shook his head. He didn’t know. He couldn’t tell when he had woken fully. He walked to the horses. They definitely seemed alarmed. But then, they would. After all, he had just leapt to...

A Kiss is a terrible name for a piece of chocolate shaped like a water droplet, because kisses are hot and would melt chocolate—even if it is wearing an astronaut suit made out of tinfoil.

Judd Is My Boyfriend” memorabilia. In the normal course of events, civilians wouldn’t have gotten anywhere near the former Arrow, but it had been impossible to evacuate the entire city prior to the Pure Psy...

I lost a little weight over the weekend. I cut my fingernails.

It takes a long time to become young.

Jake became excruciatingly aware of her, there, right behind him. The small grunts and groans as she placed each foot carefully on the slick ground reverberated in his gut. He wanted to turn around and...

Labor is a man crowning glory.””Not this man’s.””I quote Marx”I raised my hands. The pickaxe handle had been rough.”I quote blisters.

I’m not going to lecture you on the error of your ways. Not until you fetch me a podium and a microphone. I’ll also need a screen, a projector, and a laser pointer.

Your brain is not only the material inside your cranium, its something to be explored, developed and refined

Pain produces progress. So if you truly love me, you will try to hurt me as much as you can. If you really want me to grow as a person, you will water me with...

I’m definitely not up-to-date on the high-tech videogame world.

A red eight-sided sign always means: A) Stop. B) Go. C) Danger! Red octogons ahead!

I’ve got everything I need right here.” That sentimental thought met a room full of cheesy and sarcastic “aw’s” and an empty water bottle thrown at my head. No, stop guys, really. You’re embarrassing me.

I cried at the funeral. It wasn’t because I loved her, it was because I was there, in the front pew at the church, chopping onions.

Have you been reading those books that clueless illiterate Duja in charge of the lending library lets you borrow?’ ‘No, Ma.’ ‘Then what put you in mind of devils possessing nuns to take over the...

Well, keep them away from me.

What if I was the sexual equivalent of popcorn? Suitable for light snacking only?

When I was a little boy, I used to work in a sweatshop. We made deodorant.

My daughter asked if the boogie man was scary. I said, “Not as scary as the boogie woman.

I want to never stop growing as a person. I’d love to be well over 8 feet tall.

It’s awful bad luck to bring a woman aboard the ship.””It’s awful worse luck not to.

I want to be more like James Bond, and less like Ian Fleming.

Pictures in women’s self-defense books never show women kicking other women. The idea is to leave something to the imagination.

I don’t need love. I live in a forest. The quiet is my companion. The cold is my warmth. My heart once suffered from frostbite, but I removed and replaced it with a fuel pump.

Saw a headline: ‘Killers Executed In Three States.’ How is drawing out their executions like that not cruel and unusual punishment???

You know, poets and songwriters have long known that people like repetition. You know, poets and songwriters have long known that people like repetition. I guess when I say people, I mean everyone but my...

In an opposite universe, the iconoclast creates the icon. – Why We Couldn’t Possibly Be Living in an Opposite Universe, Reason 11.9

Go ahead, stick it in my butt.” Love is much more than that. Love is also a logo. I know, because I have it tattooed on my ass.

Man has become a tool of his tools? Man, what a tool.

I am the Guillotine of Love, and I will never lose my head over another woman again.

Kiss the girls and make them neither confirm nor deny.

Agatha’s love had wings like a penguin. Certainly this was a plus in the cold winter months. But our relationship never really took flight. It was grounded like a 747 minus 748.