The great thing about writing fiction is that you can do whatever the fuck you want, go as far as you are willing to go, and laugh at the people who take it seriously.

Love happens to some people, sometimes. Other times other stuff happens to other people. I’m a person like those people.

If you’re a comedian undergoing brain surgery, I assume you’re not permitted to be conscious during the procedure, for your own safety.

I’m going to wake Peeta,” I say.”No, wait,” says Finnick. “Let’s do it together. Put our faces right in front of his.”Well, there’s so little opportunity for fun left in my life, I agree. We...

It’s easier to hide your smoking habit on a foggy day. Let that be a lesson for you and your secret lover.

Adventure! People talked about the idea as if it were something worthwhile, rather than a mess of bad food, no sleep and strange people inexplicably trying to stick pointed objects in bits of you.

Experience is the best teacher I’ve ever had. I’m sorry, Mr. Sortz, but it’s true.

I like infomercials.

I am Oscar Wilde’s reversible underwear. I am John Wayne’s rusty six-shooter. I am William Shakespeare’s identity crisis. I am a kiss delivered Priority Mail, to a girl named Agatha, by me dressed as a...

Save your explanations, I got some questions for you first and you’d better answer them!’ [slurred Hellian.] ‘With what?’ [Banaschar] sneered. ‘Explanations?’ ‘No. Answers. There’s a difference-‘ ‘Really? How? What difference?’ ‘Explanations are what people...

She Bangs.” It won’t be about a sexually loose woman, but rather it will be a knock-knock joke.

I live my life by a code. I drew on the Magna Carta for inspiration. It may have been the most expensive doodle ever. The British Library kicked me out, and threatened to prosecute me...

A blanket could be used to find the Brick of Truth. Many lies will be layered on the Brick of Truth to try to cover it up, but the blanket will cover up all the...

…I’m worried I will leave grad school and no longer be able to speak English. I know this woman in grad school, a friend of a friend, and just listening to her talk is scary....

Husband: a man with hopes of being a lover who settles for being a provider, causing his wife to grow suspicious of her depleting jewelry box.

I don’t want to be tied down in a relationship, I want to be tied down during sex.

You know very well that I no longer think. I am far too intelligent for that.

A string of burglaries is a crime necklace. Everything I have can be stolen except love, because I give it all away.

I had a dream about you. I was a ventriloquist trying to share your fashion secrets, but you wouldn’t talk. So we put on a strip show for the department store sale, and I was...

A blanket could be used to cover up your infidelity. Either use the blanket to hide your cheating ways, or figure out how to fornicate with all your clothes on.

The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education.

A brick could be shoved in your buttocks. You know, for your enjoyment.

Renunciation – that is the great fact we all, individuals and classes, have to learn. In trying to avoid it we bring misery to ourselves and others.

Rose is For Sale.” Prostitution or a grammatically incorrect flower shop, I’d like to enter both right about now.

…our witness, one Edward Littleton, was as gay as Elton John’s handbag.

You must be careful when you ask people whether they’re happy; it’s a question that can upset them a great deal.

I will not stand here to be insulted by you, hedgepig,” Mangiz fumed.”Then stand somewhere else and I’ll insult you there, featherbag!!

She was hearing the words. They just weren’t registering on her Richter scale of sanity.

There is nothing more awful, insulting, and depressing than banality.

Well I’m not going to hope that you get hurt, but if you do, remember that you’re my damsel in distress, and no one is allowed to carry you.””I don’t remember signing a contract.””All the...

And you are the girl’s bitch, forever.

Says O’Sullivan to me, “Mr. Fay, I’ll have a word wid yeh?” “Certainly,” says I; “what can I do for you?” “Sell me your sea- boots, Mr. Fay,” says O’Sullivan, polite as can be. “But...

Lord Carradice managed to look wicked, smug, and saintly, all at the same time.

A sex trophy should be functional, and shaped like a dildo, yet decorative, and shaped like Ben Bernanke. Insert it in your ass as desired.

You ever noticed how people who believe in Creationism look really un-evolved? You ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet. “I believe God created me in one day”....

Owr brave little shank!

Ultimately, it is in fun. It is supposed to be highly entertaining.

I don’t think I’m crazy, but then again, define crazy.

We may not be all that bright, Jace said, but at least we are alive.

Love is the walrus I crayon with like it’s the Eifel Tower. I know, love doesn’t make much sense to me, either.

Jace: Herondale, on the other hand, is melodic. Dulcet, one might say. Think of the sound of ‘Clary Herondale.’Clary: Oh, my god, that sounds horrible.Jace: We all must sacrifice for love.

I want to be loved, but first, I want to love. I’ll love you and we’ll both feel good, and if you love me too that’d be great, but not entirely necessary.

I feel no grief for being called somethingwhichI am not;in fact, it’s enthralling, somehow, like a goodback rub

The Mile High City has mile-high expectations. That’s 5,280 feet, you know. That’s five millipedes and 2.8 centipedes for all you lovers out there.

Well, we wouldn’t even think of a military action because that would have extremely adverse results for Turkey. After all, we are on the borders.

I drank my lava lamp to get the party started. Later on I made love like a volcano, while I watched TV alone.

Silence is wittier than any jest. Thou wanteth to express thy feelings with eloquence and grace? Drop thy jaw boldly and beautifully. There, thou’rt starting to get it. But hang out thy tongue more. Let...

For most vampires, it’s an automatic response – scent blood, fangs drop.

Y are you called the cheese man?

I welcome all You’re Welcomes with open arms and open zippers. My love for her is sandwiched between two slices of Thank You.