I’m leaning toward the second choice. You are both getting way too weird. And gross.”Cal barked out a laugh and slid his fingers down my arm to entwine with mine. His touch, and Emma’s comments,...

You’ve got the fountain of youth hidden in your pants.””What the fuck does that even mean?” Hook demanded, then held up a hand. “Never mind, I don’t want to know.””Means fucking keeps you young.

That’s not normal.

I’m sure the other kids wouldn’t mind not being lectured by another toddler over the virtues of sharing and the mental benefits of toy blocks.

My dog hasn’t said a word all day, he must have a lot on his mind

You know, Sarah Jessica Parker. Sex and the City.”A silence fell over the room as Collin and Jack stared at Wilkins, seriously fearing for the fate of men.

I make love like farm equipment—not to farm equipment. There is a difference, though my cousin can’t tell it.

Keep your friends close and make out with your enemies.

A brick could be used to show support for your favorite team. They want to crush their opponents, and if you’ve got the arm strength and accuracy, you should do everything in your power to...

I had not, I said to myself, come into the future to carry on a miniature flirtation.

Out of 30 years of Second City I was probably the third African-American with the main stage cast. I was surprised when I first heard that. I think part of the reason that improvisation has...

People love to love, but I love to sleep, and that is why cats are closer to God than bricks are to blankets. –Cap’n Kintz

If I could fly, I would soar all the way up to the window of a plane carrying a suitcase in my hand, then I’d motion toward the plane’s door and make an annoyed face...

I’m going to put the moves on her,’ he says gravely. ‘Things might get weird.’ He says it like a commando setting up a midnight raid. Like: Sure, this is going to be extraordinarily dangerous,...

A brick could be used in the back part of a director’s last name, to make an epic space odyssey.

Is he — a bit mad?” he asked Percy uncertainly.”Mad?” said Percy airily. “He’s a genius! Best wizard in the world! But he is a bit mad, yes. Potatoes, Harry?

I beg your pardon; I am drunk without a drink. English wine & words are vulnerable to every man.

Cover me!’ Augustus said as he jumped out from behind the wall and raced toward the school. Isaac fumbled for his controller and thenstarted firing while the bullets rained down on Augustus, who was shot...

My friend “M” says the irony of being a zombie is that everything is funny, but you can’t smile, because your lips have rotted off.

Help.

I’m telling you, the gorgeous of the world can actually look pretty intimidating when they scowl. Imagine a snow-white swan with a scary tattoo holding a chain saw. There’s just no way to really prepare...

Telling an introvert to go to a party is like telling a saint to go to Hell.

How do you manage for money?’ I asked.I was given two simultaneous replies of ‘We get by’ from Ian and ‘Don’t ask’ from Neil. I favoured Ian’s reply because it had less-sinister connotations. ‘Don’t ask’...

Our ability to delude ourselves may be an important survival tool.

A brick could be used to start your car, if your car’s keys are cube-shaped and huge. You know what else cube-shaped and huge? That’s right—my penis sheath.

I learned never to listen to acting teachers because they don’t know what the hell they’re talking about.

Now that we know you’re not a hundred percent vampire you should stop trying to suck necks,” I said to Ziggy.”I’ll try,” Ziggy said, “but it’s a hard habit to break.

A blanket could be used to stop abuse. Don’t cover up the atrocity—cover up your head, because what you don’t see, may as well not exist.

You get money out of acting. You get gray hair out of directing. Actually, I get more of a rush from directing.

For a split second, I wondered if he were some type of sexy sorcerer, who was able to remove my clothing by the force of his will alone. I squeezed my eyes shut and focused...

A brick could be used to replace a flat tire. After all, you want to replace like with like, and what’s more flat than a brick?

If I’m not working, I don’t know what to do.

A human hires a hit man to kill his cousin for money, boring. That same hit man botches the job twice, funny. Then the desperate hit man sends a ghoul after the girl to finish...

A blanket could be used as a tarp to cover an outdoor swimming pool the size of a bed. As far as training goes, swimming is such a snooze of a sport that I think...

Crime writers, I’ve noticed, can be jumpy. They live in a world where there are murderers on the loose and they haven’t been caught yet!

It may be appropriate to quote a statement of Poincare, who said (partly in jest no doubt) that there must be something mysterious about the normal law since mathematicians think it is a law of...

A brick could be used to stop potential terrorist plots. But it sure would be more effective if I could just record every single phone conversation, email, text message, Google search, and Skype video chat...

You’re seventeen! Why do I have to keep reminding you of that? There are soooo many women you haven’t even met yet! Don’t act like you’re tired of the puss-puss, no guy is ever tired...

These are the best things I’ve ever had in my mouth!

A blanket could be used to mimic the mating call of my crumpled-up clone. Isn’t silence seductive?

What early tongue so sweet saluteth me?

Manners without sincerity, is called polite society

The manlier you are, the harder it is to understand what a woman wants: there is not a hint of female brain in you.

He who does not want to communicate will never enjoy their silence for very long.

You guys are weird,” Tori said.Simon sat on the crate beside me. “That’s right. We are totally weird and completely uncool. Your popularity is plummeting just by being near us.

A brown blanket could be used in place of chocolate frosting on a cake, and since nobody will want to eat it, you’ll be left with more cake for yourself.

I wondered if full-blooded vampires had something like blue balls for their fangs if they didn’t get to feed when they were expecting to. Like some kind of pseudo-sexual gingivitis.

If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?

The ones who constantly make us laugh are the hardest of friends to know – for comedians are the caricatures among us.

I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it’s because the water is cold in there. And I’m like, how did my mother know that?