I’ve been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

Is there a doctor in the house? My parents want me to marry you.

My mother always said don’t marry for money, divorce for money

People always come up to me and say that my smoking is bothering them… Well, it’s killing me!

I go running when I have to. When the ice cream truck is doing sixty.

My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.

If you’ve got a brand like this, any brand in fact, you need to stay true to your roots if you want to maintain your distinctiveness, it’s very easy to start to lose that edge...

I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it’s because the water is cold in there. And I’m like, how did my mother know that?