I have a talent for hurting things,” Jack perches the rifle on his cocked hip, and it’s so insufferably arrogant I want to shove him into the ball pit next to us and slash or...

Did you have fun? How many boys did you make out with? Seventy. At least. How many shots did you take?Fourteen. I let go of the wheel halfway home and Jesus drove me the rest...

So anyway, I had this nightmare in which Jack was sexy and Kayla died.

Is it? Because that picture of me was taken by my old school’s yearbook club, and they put it in the section titled ‘STUDENT FAILSAUCES! XD.What’s an XD?A sideways laughing face of horrendous proportions. Don’t...

I would love to slap you right now, but I’m currently wielding a nine pound ball and I’m afraid that would be called murder.

It comes true because we’re wise, dear.

delicately approach you. In a sideways manner. From behind. Without being seen at all. For ten minutes.

You’re seventeen! Why do I have to keep reminding you of that? There are soooo many women you haven’t even met yet! Don’t act like you’re tired of the puss-puss, no guy is ever tired...

Yeah, and you’re ugly, but do I complain about it? No! Because I don’t complain about things that I can’t change. That’s called intelligence.

You were the one who was born, so really I think that’s the root of the problem.

I will pull your pancreas out through your nose and feed it back to you in a drip inserted into your anus is that clear?

Yes, my style sucks. But at least I didn’t bowl half a game with a nacho stuck to my ass.