I don’t need shoes. I need a night scope. You think they sell night scopes someplace here?

Bunch of wimps.

Babe,” Ranger said. “You’re looking a little strung out. Is there anything I should know?”I’m on a sugar withdrawal. I’ve given up desert and it’s all I can think about.” That had been true five...

You took your clothes off?””You didn’t notice?””No! Jeez Louise, I don’t even know you.””If you look under the covers, you’ll know me better.””I don’t want to know you better!””That’s a big fib,” Diesel said.

I can’t help it. I’m just a big gasbag. I still got leftover barbeque gas.” She squeezed her eyes shut tight and did a full minute-long far. “Excuse me,” she said.

My grandmother is a little Cuban woman who cooks all day and speaks Spanish. Your grandmother watches pay-per-view porn.””She used to watch the Weather Channel, but she said there wasn’t enough action.”-Ranger and Stephanie

The dog ran into the kitchen, stuck his nose in Grandma’s crotch, and snuffled.Dang,” Grandma said. “Guess my new perfume really works. I’m gonna have to try it out at the seniors meeting.

I attributed the incidence to temporary insanity, and in my own defense, I’d like to say I haven’t run over anyone since.

You never want to look in a mirror,” Lula said. “Men love mirrors. They look at themselves doing the deed and they see Rex the Wonder Horse. Women look at themselves and think they need...

I wasn’t a fabulous cook. I didn’t have a boyfriend, much less a husband. And I wasn’t a big financial success. I could live with all those failings as long as I knew that once...

Ranger is an unusual name,” she managed. “Is it a nickname?”It’s a street name,” Ranger said. “I was a Ranger in the army.”I heard about them Rangers on TV,” Grandma said. “I heard they get...

That’s how hospitals get you. You go in to visit and before you know it they got a camera stuck up your butt and they’re looking’ to find poloponies.

…I blink back the threat of tears, swiped at my nose and narrowed my eyes. “Listen to me, you two bags of monkey shit, “I yelled. “I am not in a good mood. My car...

Do you see that man in the black Porsche?” I asked the women.They squinted out at Ranger. “Yes,” they said.”Your partner.””He’s homeless. He’s looking for a place to stay and he might be interested in...

Aren’t you something,” Grandma said. “I never saw a midget up close.” “Little person,” Briggs said. “And I never saw anyone as old as you up close, either.

On the bright side, I’m sure this isn’t the last time you’ll ever get firebombed, so maybe you’ll have better luck next time.

Is that a bulletproof vest? See, now that’s so insulting. That’s like saying I’m not smart enough to shoot you in the head.” Eddie DeChooch

If I could just get Broom to cooperate, we could fly, Glo said. Then we wouldn’t have to worry about traffic. Harry Potter didn’t have to worry about traffic.You relize Harry Potter isn’t real, right?...

That’s how you tell what a man’s really made of. It’s one thing for a man to be big and brave and kill a spider. Any man could do that. Trailin’ after a woman when...

[Ranger] “How’s your mental health?” he asked. “I heard about Soder.”[Stephanie] “I’m rattled.””I have a cure.”Oh, boy.He put the truck in gear and headed for the exit. “I know what you’re thinking,” he said. “And...

I can always count on you to brighten my day,” Ranger said. And he disconnected.

So you need an alarm system because you gonna be in bad neighborhoods?””Actually, I sort of stole a car, and I’m afraid the owner will try to get it back.

Your on your on with this one babe.””Coward.””Calling me names isn’t going to get me in there.”-Ranger and Stephanie

If I let her in I’m doomed. It’s like inviting a vampire into your house. Once you’ve invite them in, that’s it, you’re good as dead!

He was pretty well contained, all things considered.

Nice dress. Take it off.

If she wasn’t your grandmother I’d shoot her.”Ranger

We kill cows. We kill trees. So big deal, we kill some drug dealers.” It was hard to argue with that kind of logic because I like cows and chickens and trees much better than...

Romance novels are birthday cake and life is often peanut butter and jelly. I think everyone should have lots of delicious romance novels lying around for those times when the peanut butter of life gets...

Stephanie, I’m begging you. Eat some doughnuts. I can’t keep going like this.” – Morelli

You don’t have to be there to be there.

Maybe it was me,” Grandma said.”Sometimes they sneak out.Did I fart?

My father hired you to protect me,” Ahmed said, “not to go off chasing men.” Grandma leaned forward, keeping her eye on the Taurus. “We think this guy killed Fred.” “Who’s Fred?” “My uncle,” I...

Then I had to decide if I needed to wear shoes that kicked ass or were good for ass kicking, on account of there’s a difference you know. ~ Finger Lickin’ Fifteen

Either get out of bed or else take your clothes off,” he said. “I’m not in the mood to compromise.

Personally, I’m a lazy kind of guy, and leaving the door open on the mystical saves me work. I don’t have to stress my brain trying to explain the unexplainable. It’s magic. End of discussion.

I wasn’t sure anymore what made a good marriage. There had to be love, of course, but there were so many different kinds of love. And clearly, some love was more enduring than others.

He [Ranger] stopped in front of my parents’ house, and we both looked to the door. My mother and my grandmother were standing there, watching us.”I’m not sure I feel comfortable about the way your...

So I guess this works out good.

Morelli was wearing a blazer over a black knit shirt, He took a seat, and his jacket swung wide, exposing the gun at his hip.”Nice piece!” Grandma said. “What is it? Is that a forty-five?””It’s...

Bob had a dog buscuit stuck to his head. “How does he always get food stuck to him?” I asked Morelli. “I don’t know,” Morelli said. “It’s a Bob mystery. I think stuff falls out...

Thinking very often resembles napping, but the intent is different. –Stephanie Plum

I don’t get writer’s block because I don’t believe in it. I believe you sit in front of the computer and force your fingers to get something on the screen.

I need to look like an idiot at least twice a day to keep myself humble.

As Stephanie and Lula were going after the bad guys, Lula was making preparations from the trunk of her Firebird. Stephanie looked inside and stopped breathing for a beat. “That’s a rocket launcher!” “Yep,” Lula...

When something needs to be ironed I put it in the ironing basket. If a year goes by and the item is still in the basket I throw the item away. This is a good...

Ranger locked eyes with me. “Please,” he said.Tank and Hal were goggle-eyed. They weren’t used to “please.” I wasn’t used to it either. But I liked it. Okay,” I said. “Be careful. He’s insane.

You gonna take the case?”It’s not a case. It’s a missing person. Sort of.”You’re gonna have a devil of a time finding him if it was aliens,” Grandma said.

Ranger cradled my face in his hands, using his thumbs to wipe the tears from my eyes. “The ceremony is over. Can you make it back to the car?”I nodded. “I’m okay now. Am I...

Fuck,” Ranger said.Ranger didn’t often curse and he rarely raised his voice. The fuck has been entirely conversational. Like he was now midly inconvenienced. He put his Bates boot to the door and the door...