I can pass any polygraph, as long as it’s cut up into small enough bites.

If you already knew, why did you ask?

Usually, there’s nothing being thrown toward the stage or at me. Then I feel pretty good about it.

No easy answers? I know plenty of answers that’ll do it on the very first date.

A job is like a politician struggling in the water. Be sure you hold it down.

I really hate it when people want to kill me. It makes me think they don’t want to be friends. – Raven from Blood of Prey

No agnostic ever burned anyone at the stake. That wouldn’t be nearly slow and painful enough.

To me love is like a cup of soapy dishwater. Sure, I’ll drink it, but I won’t swish it around in my mouth while you try to stuff filthy silverware down my throat.

Funny thing- Morgenstern’s folk’s were named Max and Valerie and his father was a doctor.

Remember when the question ‘Ginger or Mary Ann’ had nothing to do with who would be the last surviving cast member?

My grandmother is dating a grandfather clock, and I’ve started wearing a wristwatch on my ankle. I also wear my love for Agatha like a raincoat, and I am jealous of every umbrella I see.

Shut. Up,” June squealed. “You have a date with that guy?” She giggled and covered her mouth. “Shut up, shut up, shut up! Tell me everything.””I can’t do both,” I pointed out.

When the entire document is redacted, everybody’s on the same page.

Bring on hyperinflation! I want to be a millionaire with minimal work.

Dear DiaryWent out shopping today. Picked up half a dozen sheep, two pigs, and a princess. The sheep are rather depressingly thin, the pigs and princess only slightly less so. Dear DiaryWent out shopping today....

Besides, my drinking blood’s not nearly as weird as that time I caught you shaving your legs.””I was curious!

I want to fill a jar with a lot of clapping, and sell my applause next to the applesauce in a grocery store. You can eat the praise you didn’t earn, but did pay for.

Scoot over, man. I don’t like you that much.” “Dick. That’s not what you said last night.””Bite me.

Too bad for a lot of people that beauty isn’t skin wide

Love has boundaries, like a map, and I guess that makes me a cartographer. Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re too topographical for my taste.

At the very leadt, we can grab Monica and hustle her skanky ass back to her dad wile you brave, strong menfolk hold off the bad guys. Right?

My name is Moscow Moonlove. My friends call me Moss, Cow, Moo, Moon, or Tigerpants.

I’m so honest, that in order to compliment you, I’d improve you first.

There are pockets of wealth in this country. Mostly those pockets are in the politicians’ pants.

I guess we’re oil and water. (Phoebe)I’d say we’re more like gasoline and a blowtorch. (Dan)

I had a dream about you. We were traveling in your car. You were driving, and I was securely fastened by ropes and duct tape in the trunk. I tried telling you my family has...

There are dumb actors. But there are dumb politicians and dumb bakers.

I killed my clone and I hid his body behind every mirror I’ll ever step in front of. I’m always surprised to see him, and I never fail to brush his teeth or gaze at...

I wouldn’t say I’m a method actor. I do research when I feel I don’t have enough experience for the part I’m playing.

A blanket could be used to keep people warm. But take it from me: you want to freeze those dead bodies as soon as they’re cold and lifeless, because you don’t want the bodies staying...

The dining room in my old house was truly magnificent, but by far the worst room for conversation. I’d get up from the table, a very long table, and somebody would always say, Paul, I...

Hello little one. Did you know you’re on private property?””Really? I had no idea.” Meryn fudged. He raised an eyebrow. “The ten foot fence right behind you didn’t give it away?

I seduce women by making women feel like they are seducing me. And I allow them to pay for that privilege. And as we all know, you value what you pay for more than what...

My sisters said, Why do you make those faces? You make yourself so ugly.

Bachelorhood: all the fun of married life and more prosperity, leaving lots of descendants to boast of their father’s memory to their fellow inmates.

If you’re from a town called Away, when you’re home, you’re Away. But when you’re away, you’re not home.

Jean grinned down at her, and she handed him something in a small silk bag.’What’s this?”Lock of my hair, ‘ she said. ‘Meant to give it to you days ago, but we got busy with...

I had a dream about you. We couldn’t decide on a sunrise. You wanted a tan, I only cared about the view. Then World War III fulfilled both our desires.

I shed my clothes like a garage doesn’t shed—and a shed doesn’t garage. Then we made love like neighbors, so close, yet separated by several barriers.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

Give up your dreams; you’ll accomplish more without sleep.

A brick could be used to send a message. The quickest way to send it would be through the air, and it would make more of an impact than an email or a text message.

Try not to trip,” she added. “We don’t have time for a concussion today.”I groaned. That would be just like me – ruin everything, destroy the world, in a moment of klutziness.

We were given: Two hands to hold. Two legs to walk. Two eyes to see. Two ears to listen. But why only one heart? Because the other was given to someone else for us to...

Little Women,” what, is that about midgets? I freaking love midgets.

Shit,” Delia said. “I mean, shoot. No, actually, I mean shit. I really do.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

I think we carry around the idea of being a Kid in the Hall as part of our identity. It’s a big part of how we see ourselves now.

What the hell was she doing on the nonhostage side of a handgun?

I mean if there was any justice in the world you wouldn’t even have to go to school during your period. You’d just stay home for five days and eat chocolate and cry.