There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

I am so busy doing nothing… that the idea of doing anything – which as you know, always leads to something – cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.

Keep your head up in failure, and your head down in success.

The IRS! They’re like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there’s no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.

A bookstore is one of the many pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason

The best revenge is living well.

Elaine: Ugh, I hate people.Jerry: Yeah, they’re the worst.

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever seen that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a...

It s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end.

If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?