Agatha had rose-colored cheeks, and thorn-like warts all over her slender neck. When we’d make love, I’d pretend I was Helen Keller and her neck was the Book of Love. I like to think I...

Naked intelligence officer (‘nā-kəd in-‘te-lə-jən(t)s ‘ä-fə-sər)1 : an intelligence officer in a state of undress 2 : an intelligence officer whose cover has been compromised3 : an intelligence officer, in reality fully clothed, disguised as...

Dick called, but he just left dirty voice-mail messages. Let’s just say if I’m ever in the market for a massage involving canola oil and marabou feathers, I’m covered.

Astronauts Make Better Lovers” Award. But I say, Take off your fucking helmet when I’m talking to you. And do they really make better lovers? I say, Put on your concrete boots, Lunar Child III,...

Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.

We finally settled on Francis Ford Coppola’s version of Dracula, which, unfortunately, Gabriel seemed to think was a comedy. I think it was the combination of Keanu Reeves’s British accent and Gary Oldman’s elderly Count...

I don’t need a reason to have a reason.” Actually, I have no idea what he said since he was muttering.

Paul is a liar, he said so. (Romans 3:7.)

I live for the moment and love for eternity. I mean I’d like to, but I’m too impatient for either.

But if I’d known there was going to be a firearms examination at the end of the kidnapping, by God, I would have studied for it!

They say a sneeze is 1/10th of an orgasm. Perhaps that’s why it takes me 18 seconds to sneeze.

Nobody knows what is life and still alive

In the throes of passion, I threw out an I love you. Did I mean it? Does a dictionary mean what it says?

I spilled spot remover on my dog; now he’s gone.

A brick and a blanket represent two lovers who can never be together. I simply forbid it!

Graham’s life is as tense as an overstretched simile.

Grab life by the tail, and then pet it.

you think you’ve never been wrong before?”-alex”sure i have why just last week I bought bobbi brown sandwash petal lip gloss when the pink blossom color would have looked so much better with my complexion....

Fashion Tip Number 12: Gray is not the color to wear if you want to get noticed in a smoky, dingy dungeon.

I had a dream about you. You were lost in a daydream, when I walked in and you began screaming. But I know that could never actually happen. In real life I only enter people’s...

Cameron is incredibly charming. I’ve seen Charlie’s Angels four times.

A brick could be used to stop a bleeding wound. Though just between you and me, I’d prefer to be bandaged by a Band-Aid, a blanket, or a pair of lace panties (preferably red).

Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks.

BARRELS!

Love doesn’t have form (aside from your naked body), but it does have a shape. The shape of love is circular, like a STOP sign.

Girls are like Pokemon, it doesn’t matter how good you are, you can’t catch any if you don’t have any balls.

Black graffiti on a black helicopter.

I had a dream about you. We were in a band. I was the lead singer, guitar player, saxophonist, harpist, violinist, bassist, cellist, harmonica player, pianist, and drummer. Oh, and I played the trumpet. And...

When I was young I found out that the big toe always ends up making a hole in a sock.So I stopped wearing socks.

You there, you look like a well-rounded lady, oh yes, and I mean well-rounded

A brick could be used to aid the lonely. Carry it with you, converse with it, and if you drink enough, you can even make love to it.

There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.

I’ve never written a quote I feel would be suitable for my gravestone. Wouldn’t it be ironic if it were this one? Oh, and could you pull a few weeds while you’re here?

Even though I know my own name (barely), I still sometimes write my name wrong. Usually it only happens when I write in cursive and am endorsing checks for money I can’t recall earning.

I don’t have a car.”His eyes sliced into mine. “I walked here,” I explained. “I’m on foot.””Angel,” he said in a way that sounded like he sincerely hoped I was joking.

So my heart goes out to them. Figuratively. I would never actually entrust my heart to scientists—they’d probably implant it in a baboon. And a baboon with my heart would be practically unstoppable. Baboon strength...

You’re never too old, too wacky, too wild, to pick up a book and read to a child.

What makes me laugh? Richard Nixon always made me laugh.

You know you are a human when a beautiful image appearing on television/computer/smartphone/tab screen appears more alive than a living being.Basically, we are stupid.

It wasn’t love at first sight. They ran into each other one morning in a sunny clearing in the forest. A few moments of stunned silence. `Glockenspiel,’ Adam pronounced, thinking (but with terrible doubt) he’d...

Never interrupt someone doing what you said couldn’t be done.

That really was NOT fun, though. Well, the hitting-her-with-a-stick part, that was fun. But crashing into a concrete bear? NOT fun.

Minutes passed by. A little blue butterfly landed on my nose. I blinked at it and it fluttered to my ear. A big yellow butterfly gently floated over and landed on my paw. Soon a...

We have an active program. We have nuclear weapons, we are a nuclear power. We have an advanced missiles program.

If the pen is mightier than the sword, a sharpie must be plain deadly!

All these old guys, they were exactly the same on stage as off, and they couldn’t help being comedians.

If you think rightly, every problem is financial problem or eventually becomes one.

I’m a big Cosby fan. I respect the man.

We saw Uncle Jack every Christmas, and every Christmas he yelled across the street for Miss Maudie to come marry him. Miss Mauide would yell back, “Call a little louder, Jack Finch, and they’ll hear...

He spun out enough toilet paper to vandalize a house and carefully cleaned the seat.