Some guys are the type of people who bring brass knuckles to a fight. I’ve always thought it prudent to bring some running shoes.

Shut. Up,” June squealed. “You have a date with that guy?” She giggled and covered her mouth. “Shut up, shut up, shut up! Tell me everything.””I can’t do both,” I pointed out.

All is not lost – so why the hell should it stop to ask for directions???

If you were to ask me what’s under my bed, I’d tell you shoes. They’re brown, and they’re still attached to the body that’s been decomposing there since I hid it three days ago.

Dear DiaryWent out shopping today. Picked up half a dozen sheep, two pigs, and a princess. The sheep are rather depressingly thin, the pigs and princess only slightly less so. Dear DiaryWent out shopping today....

Redaction marks are the truth dressed in black burqa.

Grandmother hates it when I do the “turkey dance.” Basically, I lather my naked body in gravy and then spaz out on the kitchen floor. She just doesn’t understand modern dance.

Scoot over, man. I don’t like you that much.” “Dick. That’s not what you said last night.””Bite me.

Whenever God kicks in a door, He padlocks it later.

How to duplicate yourself: hang out with the same people and say the same things all the time. The you of today is a clone of the you from yesterday.

At the very leadt, we can grab Monica and hustle her skanky ass back to her dad wile you brave, strong menfolk hold off the bad guys. Right?

Leak not the secret, lest the secret leak you.

I could name my penis Steve, and it would be appropriate, as it is sort of shaped like my dad’s face, whose name is Steve. Not just his face, but his whole body and person...

I’m so honest, that in order to compliment you, I’d improve you first.

I never read the whole Zen koan – I just skip to the end to find out if the monk attained enlightenment.

Agatha loved military men. Actually, she loved men in uniform. And my bowling league outfit used to drive her wild with desire.

I guess we’re oil and water. (Phoebe)I’d say we’re more like gasoline and a blowtorch. (Dan)

Why do we assume space aliens will be less emotional than us? What if they’re more emotional? All that hugging could get old pretty quick.

Can’t you see? I am making all sorts of friends.

There are dumb actors. But there are dumb politicians and dumb bakers.

Secret 737160022162. It’s unthinkable only to the extent it’s doable.

It’s been said that 1 in 4 people have herpes, and everyone has 4 grandparents, so let’s be honest, your grandmother is probably a dirty skank.

I wouldn’t say I’m a method actor. I do research when I feel I don’t have enough experience for the part I’m playing.

CIA analysis: the too soon joke that predates the event.

Mr. Fizzlebush.” He will need his litter box changed daily, the finest dry cat food, and fourteen bottles of your finest champagne (he is royalty, after all). His Majesty Juan Carlos is not to be...

The dining room in my old house was truly magnificent, but by far the worst room for conversation. I’d get up from the table, a very long table, and somebody would always say, Paul, I...

Mama operated under the assumption that I was eight years old and incapable of feeding myself. It was physically impossible for her to cross my threshold without some form of nourishment. She once offered me...

I’m surprised there isn’t a jet airplane designed in the shape of a brick. Some people (aeronautical engineers) might say that’s because bricks aren’t aerodynamic. Yeah, right. I’d like to see someone make that claim...

My sisters said, Why do you make those faces? You make yourself so ugly.

Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were Leibnizian monadic reflections of the One Thing.

I had a dream about you. We were fishing in the Utah desert. You caught a dinosaur, but due to Federal regulations, we had to release the bones so Ted Kennedy could drive back to...

Jean grinned down at her, and she handed him something in a small silk bag.’What’s this?”Lock of my hair, ‘ she said. ‘Meant to give it to you days ago, but we got busy with...

I know her note said she was leaving me, but there is some positive in it. At least she cared enough to tell me she didn’t care.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

Money is seen as a great evil. But I’ve never seen a pile of cash stab someone.

Try not to trip,” she added. “We don’t have time for a concussion today.”I groaned. That would be just like me – ruin everything, destroy the world, in a moment of klutziness.

One brick could be used to do the work of two men, if both men are dead. In this case, a blanket could be used to cover up their decomposing corpses.

Shit,” Delia said. “I mean, shoot. No, actually, I mean shit. I really do.

I admire your mustache madam, but I wonder, what’s for dessert?” Knowing her and knowing me, she probably thought I meant I love you.

What the hell was she doing on the nonhostage side of a handgun?

I’ll tell you what love is. Love is walking up and down Archer Road in Gainesville, Florida and feeling like Cupid. Too bad the cops took issue with me hitch hiking with a bow and...

You know, you’re rather amusingly wrong.

I had a dream about you. I was sitting on your couch, relating my succession of ideas on subconscious influence. I asked you what they meant, and you told me that free associations were a...

Falling in love is like falling into the arms of a starving cannibal. It’s the only time when dinner for two is dinner for one.

I hate clowns.

Artists are the serfs of a leisure society.

Science.” I don’t believe in it. Science has yet to validate my disbelief in Bigfoot.

[The cats] scamper in front of my legs, causing me to fall and face plant into whatever furniture is closest. They especially like to play this game when I’m carrying piping hot coffee.

I get a lot of big ideas, and occasionally I actually come up with one myself.

I am Kid Awesome, I kid you not. But I don’t think making love is childish—or for children, unless you’re doing it for children (to produce them, not to entertain them).