Bricks could be used to generate smiles among the general population. Just hand them out, along with handshakes, and say, This will make everything OK. And guess what? They’ll believe you.

Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain

It’s funny how much easier it is to see others’ shortcomings and give advice when you’re not personally involved, for it’s almost impossible to see the light when you’re swimming in shit.

You talked her into going without panties all these years? Madre de Dios, now that’s impressive. I could learn a great deal from you, amigo.

A brick could be crushed into powder, like cocaine, and snorted to stimulate the previous highs of the housing market.

We have all been empowered by the web: everyone with a keyboard can now effectively broadcast to a national audience. In a sense, it puts each of us on the same footing as the major...

My routine is comforting, like a comforter. But a blanket could easily be used to replace my routine, because a comforter is a blanket.

God might have been either drunk or naughty when he was creating women.

A flag could be used as a blanket, but a blanket couldn’t be used as a flag. A blanket provides real warmth, not the pseudo warmth that patriotism provides. A blanket-flag would leave you shivering—not...

I have a Siamese twin cat. It’s got 2 heads and 18 lives.

A brick has ten holes in two rows lining the center—perfect so that you and nine of your friends can each stick your little dicks in the brick after a few beers.

Later, they also found a camp of outlaws who, when offered the chance to join the rebel ranks, unsheathed their daggers and threatened to cut the three into tiny, bloody pieces and eat them for...

A blanket could be made of tuna fish skin, which would go well with my cottage cheese thighs.

Hasn’t stopped us before. And besides, if they wanted to kill us, we’d be dead by now and would be having an entirely different conversation. I wonder if I’d still be mad at you, or...

Surviving cancer is cool, but surviving old age is cooler.

They say the path of true love never runs smooth. Well, Luke and my true love’s path didn’t run at all, it limped along in new boots that were chafing its heels. Blistered and cut,...

A blanket could be used to stop a war, particularly if that war is a Cold War.

I am too much alien and not enough monkey to fit in here.

A blanket could be used to make you laugh, and a joke could be used to keep you warm inside.

Tex’s head snapped in my direction.Fuckin’ A, woman, you’ve never had a s’more? he boomedI shook my head.Christ, everyone’s gotta have a s’more before they die. Fuck that shit, I’ll build a fire in my...

A blanket provides warmth. So does the joy a good joke brings.

The thought of being with Shay Wilder makes me want to gouge my eyes out with a butter knife

There are all sorts of books offering advice on how to deal with life-threatening situations, but where’s the advice on dealing with embarrassing ones?

So does that mean if you won’t fuck me because I’m high, I could fuck you because you’re not?

The planet is fine. The people are fucked.

That’s not what I’m asking. I’m asking, what’s your vice and what brand of trouble does it lead to?

A brick could be dropped in a toilet to replicate the sound of shitting bricks. But we wouldn’t have to go through all that trouble if you’d just eat the bricks I put on your...

How am I supposed to believe you when you’re obviously carrying a fake monogram Gucci Bag?

If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue....

One thing I’ve learned about vampires–they keep pulling new rabbits out of their cloaks. Big, fanged, carnivorous bunnies that’ll eat your eyeballs if you’re not paying attention.

If you come by my place, you might see a wheelbarrow full of broken bricks. I broke them with my fist. I was practicing for your face.

It’s rude to stare, but the great thing about staring at a sedated person is that they don’t know you’re doing it.

It is better to doubt that a concept is stupidly flying under your head than profoundly flying over your head.

It was unbelievable. She was standing there, staring at him like he was a real rock star.

I’m not a party guy. I don’t carouse very much.

and I don’t have to hold on with anything more than my toes

The cybernetic operation?””No, the sex change.”The doctor’s smile faltered.”I’m joking.

I don’t appreciate people who celebrate their dog’s birthdays with “dog parties,” and then invite their friends who don’t even have dogs. I understand why people like dogs, and I think they definitely bring more...

Lindsay calls them the Pugs: pretty from far away, ugly up close.

Weetzie could see him–it was a man, a little man in a turban, with a jewel in his nose, harem pants, and curly-toed slippers. “Lanky Lizards!” Weetzie exclaimed.”Greetings,” said the man in an odd voice,...

I learned that you don’t have to be all over the place, that you can be subtle and you can say what you say. The words that you put together can be just as hilarious...

I love you” back, but I guess in waiting for the perfect moment (the next commercial break), I ended up completely forgetting.

It’s because you aren’t thinking very clearly tonight.””I know. Being Drunk is weird.””Oh my god. I love you so much. Especially when you say stuff like that.””Like what?””Nothing. Never mind. Although I’m dying to know...

Love is the most amazing feeling in the world. Let me double check. Yep, love is a feeling.

Blankets are good to carry around if you want to be able to quickly black bag someone.

The other day I woke up to find my girlfriend already gone from the house, and a sticky note on the fridge that said, “I love you.” “Oh my God,” I thought. “Somebody’s obsessed with...

When it’s all said and done remember, “You are only as old as you look.

We tend to get a little information before we off people. It’s not a play by ear sort of deal.

She’s in the Catskill,” Shopie began, but Scathach reached over and pinched her hand. “Ouch!”I just wanted to distract you,” Scathach explained. “Don’t even think about Black Annis. There are some names that should never...

I often fantasize about torturing some of the lazier letters of the alphabet, like C, U, and E, because together they only manage to accomplish as much as the solitary letter Q.