Be nice to people on your way up, because you’ll land on them on your way down

A blanket could be used to keep me from exploding. My patience is wearing thin, and my clothes are also wearing thin, and in some spots you can see through the material, so a blanket...

It’s probably around here somewhere, but I suppose you want the parts attached, too.

A blanket, no matter how thin, could be sliced thinner, and in this way one blanket could be used to keep a multitude of people warm. But not that warm.

I need to get ready. Ash? Touch the food and I won’t take you for a driving lesson tomorrow. Dad? Touch it and I’ll make you take him for a driving lesson tomorrow.”Dad backed away...

My shadow falling over a spot of land always increases its real estate value. Buy it now, because at high noon, all value will vanish.

Wisdom of the Ages: “Brian Williams Week” Now that NBC is giving him a sixth month “leave” I wonder if he will be “Killing Time-In Saudi Arabia!

Can I come in?No! I’m in a towel!I’m blind!

You’re not going to campus. You’re going out to get drunk and play with other ladies’ boobies.” – Kye

My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina and the colada.

The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.

Let my hand be a blanket for my penis.

…, and sometimes there’s just no point in arguing with him. “Yeah, okay ‘me, Jeff, and Evan, sitting in a tree…'”Chris claps his hands triumphantly. “That’s right, baby!” Than a more serious expression comes across...

Oh, Micheal darling!””Don’t call me darling, I’m a driving instructor!

I looked at the stained-glass image of the lamb in the window above me, but that only reminded me that lambs are famous for being led to slaughter, or sometimes hanging out with lions in...

A brick could be used as a cuddle partner. Just glue some fur on it and voila! It’s as good as snuggling with any dead animal you find on the side of the highway. (Which...

Pity, I’ve learned, is like a fart. You can tolerate your own, but you simply can’t stand anyone else’s.

Lia let out a low growl and moved her arrow to the base of his fat throat. “What do you think, Gabi? Would you like to see these nuptials through?””Not this day,” I said”How about...

You don’t understand,’ I said. ‘I need to be with her. With every fibre of my being I ache for her. I’m in love.’‘I do understand,’ said Zoran. ‘It was same for me with Mrs...

Airplanes may kill you, but they ain’t likely to hurt you.

A brick could be used in place of a diamond on a wedding ring. Your wife’s probably going to divorce you and take the house anyway, so you might as well give her the first...

Wer lügt, hat die Wahrheit immerhin gedacht.

Can the government grow the economy like a farmer grows an erection, or a male porn star grows a tree?

Nothing is impossible to kill. It’s just that sometimes after you kill something you have to keep shooting it until it stops moving

First of all, I’m not the kind of guy that likes to rehash the show and so forth and so on.

Yo Mama’s so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn’t have to kiss her goodbye.

As it ‘appens, I am Arthur’s right-hand man,” said Suzy. “Or left-hand girl, I can’t remember where I stood last time. Anyhow, me and Arthur is like two fingers of a gauntlet. Or at least...

I live in my own little world. But its ok, they know me here.

Paperwork wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t for all the paper. And the work.

A man’s love for a woman is not defined by his availability in bed, but by every ingredient he adds to improve the taste of the relationship.

His ears caught a sweet chiming noise, and a moment later a warm rush fell over his body. How we doing Rhage? Too hot? Butch’s voice. Up close. The cop was in the shower with...

I think we are going to have to love ourselves. Fuck.

Oh- and grab the plastic bag over by my suitcase.”I slug down the last of the coffee and get up. The bag contains panty hose. I put them on her desk.”They’re for you.””You want me...

Those who pretend as if they don’t love you, are the ones who would hate to see you love another person.

Love one person at a time, that’s the motto I’ll try to get my clones to live by.

Instead of Rock, Paper, Scissors, you could play Brick, Blanket, Action Fingers, in which brick cripples action fingers, blanket smothers brick and action fingers beats blanket.

Yesterday I bought myself a karate trophy. But I feel like I won it, because the salesman really beat me up over the price.

But first I had to get through the ironing. It took a lot of patience. I had none. It took forever, and then I had to press the whole shirt again to get out the...

You know what I like most about people? Pets.

hornier than a bunny on ecstasy

It was a little difficult to take him seriously when he sang along to a song about a woman taking another woman’s man.

The Marquis sighed. “I thought it was just a legend,” he said. “Like the alligators in the sewers of New York City.”Old Bailey nodded, sagely: “What, the big white buggers? They’re down there. I had...

The three of usgetting along so well.

Life at times is a bunch of crap, the nice part about crap is that it’s biodegradable.

I like to spoon after I fork.

Remind me,” he paused, drawing in a stuttered gasp, “to never piss you off again. Christ, are you secretly a ninja?

Get me a slinky.

You’re in a rather odd mood today.”I’m soaking wet, Eloise.”No need to snap at me about it, I didn’t force you to walk across town in the rain.”It wasn’t raining when I left,”. There was...

It’s not: I jumped in, and it was cold. No. It was cold, and I jumped in. Always arrange a sentence so you appear to be fearless, when in fact you are far less than...

I didn’t realize there was a ranking.” I said. “Sadie frowned. “What do you mean?” “A ranking,” I said. “You know, what’s crazier than what.” “Oh, sure there is,” Sadie said. She sat back in...