The only person I compete with is Satan. If that happens to be you, then could you please move out of the way? You’re standing in Christ’s spot.

A brick could be surgically inserted in the chest of a man who needs a heart transplant. And for just $20,000 more dollars, that brick could be replaced with a new heart.

Colon thought Carrot was simple. Carrot often struck people as simple. And he was.Where people went wrong was thinking that simple meant the same thing as stupid.

The fastest way to lose weight is to find religion and start fasting.

You don’t know their situation,” my mom would say. I considered it such an impolite question that for years I didn’t even ask myself. Thirty-five turned into forty faster than McDonald’s food turns into cold...

There’s not a lot of food on the moon. Not unless you’re into cannibalism.

Mom, camping is not a date; it’s an endurance test. If you can survive camping with someone, you should marry them on the way home.

Wow! This was one advanced society.”

Why send roses? Wouldn’t it be more romantic to deliver a dozen orgasms? For only $19.95, I’ll deliver them to your woman any day of the year. But be sure to book early for Valentine’s...

Somebody get me a bottle of booze—and a reason to quit drinking. I fell in love twice today, and I only encountered one other person.

The lampshade on my head is for my bright ideas. I won’t be able to convey them until Monday, when my curtain gets out of the dry cleaners.

A brick has no legs, so it probably slithers like a snake. Therefore, a brick might make a good pet. And at least you wouldn’t have to walk it.

I threw an etiquette party and served nothing but beans and sparkling water. The topic of conversation was ‘excuse me’.

Love smells like a flower in bloom. A flower that’s sitting on a pile of steaming feces.

Some people won’t have kids, but I’m not going to have parents. I’m burning their birth certificates and defacing their gravestones tonight.

Love is a four-letter word. So is glue, only it isn’t as sticky. And I must admit, I still eat it all the time.

Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.

A brick could be used to keep thieves away from your house. Just set a brick outside your front door, and you won’t need any additional security. Years will go by and nobody will steal...

Forget love… I’d rather fall in chocolate.

What do you call a black man flying a plane? A pilot you racist.

I have two problems with hard labor: hard and labor. I prefer soft, and I’d prefer not giving birth.

Patch leaned back against the booth and arched his eyebrows at me. The gesture said it all: Pay up.”You got lucky,” I said. “I’m about to get lucky.

Just because I’m insane doesn’t mean I have to act all crazy.

Right, Virg. Groupies throw underwear on stage. They don’t throw flowers.

It’s just so much like Iraq, it’s not funny, … except for all the water, and they speak English.

It doesn’t matter what clothes you had or what shoes you had, or how cool you were, or how many Facebook friends you garnered, what will matter in the end is what weapons you had,...

I wonder why some people find it very difficult to follow God. Perhaps, they are waiting for Him to join a social network before they could start to follow Him.

In spite of being complicated people choose superstitions over common sense.

Knowing all the languages in the world could help you to really understand all the jokes you can hear… from my future Kids’ Funny Business.

Do you want me to carry you?

I can see how being invisible would be a good love-making strategy. It’s the ultimate fantasy—because all you can do is fantasize.

Because he sounded so lost-the Eric I knew had never been one to do anything other than assume others should serve him-I patted around under the covers for his hand. When I found it, I...

When Johnny Depp saw it, he was so excited he fluffed up to twice his normal size.

Music is a great energizer. It’s a language everybody knows.

The day my dad left my mom and I was the second saddest day of my life. The saddest day was the next day, when he returned home.

The dark prince sat astride his black steed, his sable cape flowing behind him. A golden circlet bound his blond locks, his handsome face was cold with the rage of battle, and…”And his arm looked...

If I can scoop soup at 20 MPH while riding a three-legged horse, just imagine how great of a lover I am when I’m lying perfectly still.

Aline!” Isabelle looked appalled. “You can’t just go around asking people what it’s like to be a vampire.

I love love, I hate hate, and I’m indifferent about indifference.

And tell them what?” Jace said witheringly. “That invisible people are bothering you? Trust me, little girl, the police aren’t going to arrest someone they can’t see

Today I had to cut my Silent and Still Statue Demonstration Ceremony short due to wind conditions. Tonight I’ll make love like a tornado.

We have been helping, trying to help Afghanistan in many ways, even from the beginning of… the beginnings of the ’20s, 1920s, when he we were fighting our own national struggle.

If you make a nickel a second, you can’t afford to pick up a penny off the ground. It’s the same with love.

If water was beer I’d be a teetotaler

While they had security escort me out of the building, they couldn’t forcibly remove the trophy from my anus. If love were a competition, I’d be the winner.

One person may look and only see a tree, whereas others may look and see a tree with leaves.

Through my quick action, I was able to capture her mannerism and store it in a jar. It looks like mayonnaise, but it tastes like love.

I can’t decide whether I’m a good girl wrapped up in a bad girl, or if I’m a bad girl wrapped up in a good girl. And that’s how I know I’m a woman!

Is that a bullet hole?” Freaking great.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.