The best thing about dating a deaf woman with no nose is being able to fart in bed and have her not know. Well, that is unless Edmond tells her, but I don’t think he...

I despise the ruling classes, but they’re required for my major.

I saw a hermaphrodite changing, so out of respect, I turned halfway around.

Jane Jameson.”He grinned. “Like the porn star.”I gaped at him. “What? No, Jane Jameson.””Oh, not as fun,” he said, making disappointed clucking noises.

I only know I was born on March 5th because someone told me. I don’t remember myself. So it’s fact based on secondhand information and trust.

I’m pretty sure ‘ping’ in Chinese means ‘table,’ and ‘pong’ means ‘tennis.

Politics.

A blanket could be used as a tarp over one of those tiny circular inflatable pools for children. Well, you might call it a tarp, but I’d call it a trap. But I’ve already tried...

I’ve always wanted to kill someone by stealing their sound. If you’ve got no sound, you’ve got no voice. And it’s impossible to scream with no voice. So it’s like murdering a mime, only with...

Freud was a fraud, but he’d probably think I have a complex of some kind. Anal, oral, Orafoural, etc. While most kids wanted to grow up to be an astronaut, one of Barbara Streisand’s bras,...

A tailor walks into a lawyer, and the bar says, “I like your suit.” And the tailor replies, “This morning I spotted a non-sequitur detective. Don’t worry, he didn’t follow me.

My imagination is something of a badass.

On my first date with Agatha, I wore tight green Spandex, which made my skinny legs look like asparagus. Knowing no heterosexual woman could resist such a temptation, I set out to seduce her.

Nothing else matters now that you love me.’ – suicide note

A brick could be used to remind me of her. I mean everything else reminds me of her, so why not a brick too?

I bet there are a lot of women out there who want to sleep with a guy who reads. And being the head of the reading foundation, I’m very well endowed.

Two empty chairs are not a good use of space. Fill them up with love.

I shed a tear when I meet somebody who always quits. Reliable people are so rare in this world.

Now it was just the three of us: the leader, the warrior, and the kid about to wet his pants. Guess who I was.

Believe me, It would be better if we didn’t meet again. Go back to school. Go back to your life. And next time they ask you, say no. Killing is for grown-ups and you’re still...

A brick could be used as a steak knife, and a fly swatter could be used as a meat tenderizer.

What do you call a black man flying a plane? A pilot you racist.

I have two problems with hard labor: hard and labor. I prefer soft, and I’d prefer not giving birth.

Patch leaned back against the booth and arched his eyebrows at me. The gesture said it all: Pay up.”You got lucky,” I said. “I’m about to get lucky.

Just because I’m insane doesn’t mean I have to act all crazy.

Right, Virg. Groupies throw underwear on stage. They don’t throw flowers.

It’s just so much like Iraq, it’s not funny, … except for all the water, and they speak English.

It doesn’t matter what clothes you had or what shoes you had, or how cool you were, or how many Facebook friends you garnered, what will matter in the end is what weapons you had,...

I wonder why some people find it very difficult to follow God. Perhaps, they are waiting for Him to join a social network before they could start to follow Him.

In spite of being complicated people choose superstitions over common sense.

Knowing all the languages in the world could help you to really understand all the jokes you can hear… from my future Kids’ Funny Business.

Do you want me to carry you?

I can see how being invisible would be a good love-making strategy. It’s the ultimate fantasy—because all you can do is fantasize.

Because he sounded so lost-the Eric I knew had never been one to do anything other than assume others should serve him-I patted around under the covers for his hand. When I found it, I...

When Johnny Depp saw it, he was so excited he fluffed up to twice his normal size.

Music is a great energizer. It’s a language everybody knows.

My very first job was at McDonalds. In that job I learned an important principle: When something goes wrong at work, blame the guy who gets killed.

The day my dad left my mom and I was the second saddest day of my life. The saddest day was the next day, when he returned home.

The dark prince sat astride his black steed, his sable cape flowing behind him. A golden circlet bound his blond locks, his handsome face was cold with the rage of battle, and…”And his arm looked...

Jewelry takes people’s minds off your wrinkles

If I can scoop soup at 20 MPH while riding a three-legged horse, just imagine how great of a lover I am when I’m lying perfectly still.

Aline!” Isabelle looked appalled. “You can’t just go around asking people what it’s like to be a vampire.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.

I love love, I hate hate, and I’m indifferent about indifference.

And tell them what?” Jace said witheringly. “That invisible people are bothering you? Trust me, little girl, the police aren’t going to arrest someone they can’t see

GOD. Sometimes I think there might be a god out there, and that every once in a while he tunes in to see what we’re up to, and have a good laugh at how we...

Today I had to cut my Silent and Still Statue Demonstration Ceremony short due to wind conditions. Tonight I’ll make love like a tornado.

We have been helping, trying to help Afghanistan in many ways, even from the beginning of… the beginnings of the ’20s, 1920s, when he we were fighting our own national struggle.

Are you wearing space pants?” Miranda asked him.”What?”How did it end? oh, right. “Because your butt is fine.”He gazed at her in that way he had like he was measuring her for straitjacket. “I think-”...

If you make a nickel a second, you can’t afford to pick up a penny off the ground. It’s the same with love.