A red eight-sided sign always means: A) Stop. B) Go. C) Danger! Red octogons ahead!

Nothing is worth having if it isn’t worth showing off…

I’ve got everything I need right here.” That sentimental thought met a room full of cheesy and sarcastic “aw’s” and an empty water bottle thrown at my head. No, stop guys, really. You’re embarrassing me.

I cried at the funeral. It wasn’t because I loved her, it was because I was there, in the front pew at the church, chopping onions.

When they’re together, the world could fall apart around them and they’d never notice or care as long as they have each other.About Alex and Brittany.

Have you been reading those books that clueless illiterate Duja in charge of the lending library lets you borrow?’ ‘No, Ma.’ ‘Then what put you in mind of devils possessing nuns to take over the...

Well, keep them away from me.

That’s not all I’ve got.

What if I was the sexual equivalent of popcorn? Suitable for light snacking only?

When I was a little boy, I used to work in a sweatshop. We made deodorant.

What the hell am I doing…? Escape holding myself as a hostage…? I won’t be able to make it like that…

My daughter asked if the boogie man was scary. I said, “Not as scary as the boogie woman.

I want to never stop growing as a person. I’d love to be well over 8 feet tall.

Well, bloody noses.” I hug his coat tighter. “Those are definitely hot.

He can say things that are funny but they don’t know because they can’t understand it. Sometimes I’m laughing even if no one else is.

Moral codes are like the ocean. Some people live by them, while others, such as myself, would rather live by a lake.

Don’t you think you’re quite young?”I’m twenty-one,’ said Brida. ‘If I wanted to start learning ballet, I’d be conseidered too old.

Refutation of Baldy’s LawBaldy’s Law: Some of it plus the rest of it is all of it. 1. Suppose some of it + the rest of it = all of it.2. By King’s Rule, there’s...

I am the Love Ventriloquist. And if you say I’m not, I’ll say it so it sounds like you said I am.

First, I’m so sorry about what my uncle Urien did to you guys. I hate him, he killed my family, and we’re going to cut off his head, and then I have to be Queen,...

Back in the day, before he was president, you just know James Madison’s homies called him JMad.

If I were an alcoholic, I’d work at a wine farm, where grape booze grows on trees, bottled and ready to chug.

Home. The word circled comfortably in my mouth like bubble gum, swished around sweetly soft and satisfying. Home. Try saying it aloud to yourself. Home. Isn’t it like taking a bite of something lovely? If...

Be levelheaded, that your head be not leveled.

To maximize love, I try to emulate an omelet. And I’m not just saying that to sound romantic.

Scotland is a soggy sort it place, where birds and animals walk around uncooked

During my first tour, the COS told me “Your contact reporting needs more glandularity.” I said “You mean granularity?” He said “That too.

I want to learn the language of the sun, and burn Agatha’s eyes out with my love poems.

Those five nuts right there.”Which one is me?” I asked.The little deformed one,” Zoe suggested.Oh, shut up.

Motivational Secret of the Week: A clenched fist cannot give the finger.

If you feel like you’re drowning, don’t forget that it is just a feeling; it will pass with love and care. If you’re actually drowning, then how are you reading this?

We’ll see.

The Central Intelligence Agency is a CIA front.

Men are but wheat, and the government is the bread”? Ah yes, that was my grandfather, who shouted that shortly before hurling a loaf of bread at President Hoover during the great depression.

I guess because of my act, people think that I say things they want to say, and that they can just come up and say anything to me.

Suddenly he caught his reflection in the mirror behind her. His face was twisted into a dark scowl, and he was standing there naked, with a boner, and another man’s business card in his hand.He...

Should I go up one flight of stairs and then come back down, or should I go down one flight of stairs and then come back up? Same destination, same distance, same amount of work,...

I’m tired of ignorance held up as inspiration, where vicious anti-intellectualism is considered a positive trait, and where uninformed opinion is displayed as fact.

You and I are saying the same thing, you’re just adding an extra ‘not’ at the beginning.

With anal sex, I suggest you start gently. Find a slender midget. Or a member of Congress.

I figured once you gave up on the whole idea of being queen of the faery world, you might consider sleeping with me. Now I see that demons are real. I’m going to church tomorrow.

Would you kick her ass already?” Dick said, shoving me back toward Missy. “Come on, Stretch, man up. You do better than this! Get mad.”I nodded, rolling a dislocated shoulder back into place with a...

Love happens to some people, sometimes. Other times other stuff happens to other people. I’m a person like those people.

You ought to sue that son of a whore

If you’re a comedian undergoing brain surgery, I assume you’re not permitted to be conscious during the procedure, for your own safety.

It’s easier to hide your smoking habit on a foggy day. Let that be a lesson for you and your secret lover.

He’s my father, whoever he is, so he must have had sex with my mother at least once, and I’d love to kill him for that.

Experience is the best teacher I’ve ever had. I’m sorry, Mr. Sortz, but it’s true.

Her descriptions will be incandescent, perfect little nuggets of phraseology, and there will probably be lots of sex in her writing – the clinical type of sex with labias and clitorises and tongues going everywhere.

I am Oscar Wilde’s reversible underwear. I am John Wayne’s rusty six-shooter. I am William Shakespeare’s identity crisis. I am a kiss delivered Priority Mail, to a girl named Agatha, by me dressed as a...