William Hurt has a painful last name. Kevin Love has a name perfect for February 14th. But what about Johnny Longdong? Where does he fit?

With women, there is no sexual mystery—a vagina is a vagina. But with men, a woman’s got to wonder, is his penis small, medium, or Orafoura?

Lord, she really hoped that was his penis and that Greek gods didn’t pad their briefs.

Discipline your sexuality for it has the proclivity to cause a productivity that can influence now and posterity.

While the moral force of Judeo-Christian tradition and the law have sought to purify the penis, and to restrict its seed to the sanctified institution of matrimony, the penis is not by nature a monogamous...

It had a sort of a head on it, like a mushroom, and its color was reddish purple. It looked blunt and stupid, compared, say, to fingers and toes with their intelligent expressiveness, or even...

I’ve already got protection.” Then I showed him how I wear a rubber glove over my penis, with my shaft sliding perfectly in the pinky finger slot.

private parts” private.

I’ve got to pee.

The list of who’s the best is only one person long. My penis is only one person long too, if that person is two-inches tall.

Being alive means living fully extended. Like Orafoura’s cousin, who is 2.5 inches tall, but has a five-inch penis. You can’t say that’s average, because how many people do you know whose penis is twice...

The penis, often regarded as a weapon, is also a burden, the male curse.

I want to make love to you, Rhone. I want to fill your ass with my penis and fuck you until you love it just as much as I do. I want to suck your...

One of the side effects of Viagra is blurred vision. Sounds great! When I’m taking a pill to pop a stiffy, how great is it that any woman I look at has blurred features and...

A man’s bank balance is the new penis size.

I had a dream about you. I told you I wanted to start running, so you bought me some horseshoes and a saddle. Well, the saddle was more for you. I wish people would stop...

I’m not exactly sympathetic, but I do have a big heart. I have to, to be able to pump all the blood required to operate my massive penis.

I’m as thirsty as an elephant penis in the snow. I’m ready to love again.

There’s a penis in my penne pasta. It’s my penis, but that doesn’t mean it belongs there.

John [the father] kept saying, “You have a penis. That means you’re a boy.” One day, Shannon noticed that her son had been in the bathroom an awfully long time and pushed the door open....

A water fountain is a drinkable sculpture. I just drank one shaped like my father, and I can’t wait to shoot him out of my penis, so I can abandon him like he did to...

All civilized wo/men are prostitutes: Some sell what’s between their legs; the rest sell what’s between their ears.

I am one pair of roses away from the grave,” I told the midget with the twelve-inch erection. It wasn’t his—he was just holding it for a friend (that impressive penis belonged to a much...

The site of her warmed my heart, like a mitten over my penis. Can you please pass me the empty handshakes?

I belong, and my penis, it be long.

My penis smells like pasta. Also, I personally tested it out, and your spaghetti’s not too hot now, if you want to eat it.

Now he had chanced on one of he standard hard-on sessions of the shower, as on both sides of him and across the room three queens sported horizontal members which they turned around from time...

I had a dream about you. I had an erection the size of your nose, though I could breathe through mine while yours was congested. The air smelled like pee to me.

Aw, so he used you as a penis cozy and then left? Guys are pigs.

Please, allow me a moment to put my penis back where it belongs. I should never have taken it out of its plastic wrapping before you’d finished opening all your other gifts.

My heart hated her, but my penis loved her. Taken together, I felt normal.

The list of women he’s slept with is longer than his penis. The list is three inches long.

I wish I could bottle up my penis and sell it at a garage sale. But first I need to get a garage.

Did you hear about the lawsuit? Mary asked.”No, what?””I hear that he is so big,” she lifted her eyebrows to indicate what she meant, “that he put a girl in the hospital and she is...

All I heard was blah, blah, holding your dick later, blah, blah.” Duke rolled down his window and stuck his face into the night.

The Beautiful Poem”I go to bed in Los Angeles thinking about you.Pissing a few moments ago I looked down at my penisaffectionately.Knowing it has been inside you twice today makes mefeel beautiful.

My cat’s name is Mr. Dog, and My penis’ name is Mr. Beaver. Ah, but that’s life, no?

Let’s start a new family.

It’s hard to type with gloves on. It’s also hard to type with just an erection. It’s basically like typing with one finger, and in my case, a pinky.

Your penis betrayed you, son. Made you think stupid. It won’t be the last time that happens.

I can hardly be expected to think like Santa. I get three times the letters, I poop burritos, and my penis is two reindeers more plentiful.

The reason the police buy water cannons is not only to control rowdy crowds, but also because my penis is not for sale. However, it is for rent, but not in the fight against freedom.

Unii ar zice ca Scorpionii sunt obsedati de sex. Dar nu penisul, ci inima mi-e organul cel mai neascultator: bate pentru altii.

If I had to describe my penis with a movie title, it would be: Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood.

If liquid courage smelled like cologne and gushed out of my penis, I’d make a better fire fighter than I’m not right now.

A fire truck is just a drivable penis. The flames of my love might engulf you, if you don’t let me park inside you.

Take off your damned wrapper! The old buffer ordered, looking intensely at her lower part. Comfort was on her knees, rubbing the old man’s dirty feet. All her plea and tears continually worsen the whole...

Comparing penis sizes is a much more nuanced and sophisticated way to determine who’s right than something as clunky and uncouth as a debate.

Music enters through the ear, not the penis hole. This is probably a common mistake most deaf men make.

V-as povesti despre penisul meu, dar ar fi o poveste lunga.