I could name my penis Steve, and it would be appropriate, as it is sort of shaped like my dad’s face, whose name is Steve. Not just his face, but his whole body and person...

It’s a cliché to say that men think with their penises. But it’s a fact. And penises are notoriously stupid. My penis, for example, probably only has an IQ of 144, or about 12 times...

Viagra increases bloodflow to the penis, but what drug increases bloodflow to the brain?

Mother said, haven’t you seen older boys of your age, that you should take your rotten hands and play with my son’s penis? I held my mouth, and i really stiffled a giggle. Now i...

Despite being tired, I couldn’t sleep. Sometimes having a functioning penis can be a real drag (especially if it always dangles along the ground as I walk).

My vacation wasn’t long enough—and neither was my penis. Two weeks is just too short to satisfy one woman all night long.

For a guy, nothing is sexier than a girl who craves his little guy and can’t keep her hands off of it… because this is exactly the way he feels about your ladyparts whether he’s...

I accidentally sealed the box shut with my penis still inside, not realizing I may need to use it later. Being in love can be so distracting.

Well that explains a lot.

Thinking of you,” and the picture was of my erect penis. I hope my local congressman got it OK.

And though nobody has been dumb enough to say anything close to “You need to get laid” to my face, I resent the idea that anyone might think, if they knew my history, that I’d...

If I had no penis, how would I pee? How would I make love? How would I think?

An umbrella is a portable shelter. My penis is a portable people maker.

Don’t be a critic. The critic is to art what the limp penis is to sex.

A tie is like an arrow pointing to my crotch. A tie is also like an even score.

If I had a hand for a penis, would a hand job be appropriate in place of a handshake at business meetings?

I threw out my sausage, and replaced it with a healthier penis metaphor, like a cucumber.

One-night stands were invented to free men from worrying about the size of their penis. And to free women from worrying about the size of their stretch marks.

William Hurt has a painful last name. Kevin Love has a name perfect for February 14th. But what about Johnny Longdong? Where does he fit?

With women, there is no sexual mystery—a vagina is a vagina. But with men, a woman’s got to wonder, is his penis small, medium, or Orafoura?

Lord, she really hoped that was his penis and that Greek gods didn’t pad their briefs.

Discipline your sexuality for it has the proclivity to cause a productivity that can influence now and posterity.

While the moral force of Judeo-Christian tradition and the law have sought to purify the penis, and to restrict its seed to the sanctified institution of matrimony, the penis is not by nature a monogamous...

It had a sort of a head on it, like a mushroom, and its color was reddish purple. It looked blunt and stupid, compared, say, to fingers and toes with their intelligent expressiveness, or even...

I’ve already got protection.” Then I showed him how I wear a rubber glove over my penis, with my shaft sliding perfectly in the pinky finger slot.

private parts” private.

I’ve got to pee.

The list of who’s the best is only one person long. My penis is only one person long too, if that person is two-inches tall.

Being alive means living fully extended. Like Orafoura’s cousin, who is 2.5 inches tall, but has a five-inch penis. You can’t say that’s average, because how many people do you know whose penis is twice...

The penis, often regarded as a weapon, is also a burden, the male curse.

I want to make love to you, Rhone. I want to fill your ass with my penis and fuck you until you love it just as much as I do. I want to suck your...

One of the side effects of Viagra is blurred vision. Sounds great! When I’m taking a pill to pop a stiffy, how great is it that any woman I look at has blurred features and...

A man’s bank balance is the new penis size.

I had a dream about you. I told you I wanted to start running, so you bought me some horseshoes and a saddle. Well, the saddle was more for you. I wish people would stop...

I’m not exactly sympathetic, but I do have a big heart. I have to, to be able to pump all the blood required to operate my massive penis.

I’m as thirsty as an elephant penis in the snow. I’m ready to love again.

There’s a penis in my penne pasta. It’s my penis, but that doesn’t mean it belongs there.

John [the father] kept saying, “You have a penis. That means you’re a boy.” One day, Shannon noticed that her son had been in the bathroom an awfully long time and pushed the door open....

A water fountain is a drinkable sculpture. I just drank one shaped like my father, and I can’t wait to shoot him out of my penis, so I can abandon him like he did to...

All civilized wo/men are prostitutes: Some sell what’s between their legs; the rest sell what’s between their ears.

I am one pair of roses away from the grave,” I told the midget with the twelve-inch erection. It wasn’t his—he was just holding it for a friend (that impressive penis belonged to a much...

The site of her warmed my heart, like a mitten over my penis. Can you please pass me the empty handshakes?

I belong, and my penis, it be long.

My penis smells like pasta. Also, I personally tested it out, and your spaghetti’s not too hot now, if you want to eat it.

Now he had chanced on one of he standard hard-on sessions of the shower, as on both sides of him and across the room three queens sported horizontal members which they turned around from time...

I had a dream about you. I had an erection the size of your nose, though I could breathe through mine while yours was congested. The air smelled like pee to me.

Aw, so he used you as a penis cozy and then left? Guys are pigs.

Please, allow me a moment to put my penis back where it belongs. I should never have taken it out of its plastic wrapping before you’d finished opening all your other gifts.

My heart hated her, but my penis loved her. Taken together, I felt normal.

The list of women he’s slept with is longer than his penis. The list is three inches long.