John [the father] kept saying, “You have a penis. That means you’re a boy.” One day, Shannon noticed that her son had been in the bathroom an awfully long time and pushed the door open....

A water fountain is a drinkable sculpture. I just drank one shaped like my father, and I can’t wait to shoot him out of my penis, so I can abandon him like he did to...

All civilized wo/men are prostitutes: Some sell what’s between their legs; the rest sell what’s between their ears.

I am one pair of roses away from the grave,” I told the midget with the twelve-inch erection. It wasn’t his—he was just holding it for a friend (that impressive penis belonged to a much...

The site of her warmed my heart, like a mitten over my penis. Can you please pass me the empty handshakes?

I belong, and my penis, it be long.

My penis smells like pasta. Also, I personally tested it out, and your spaghetti’s not too hot now, if you want to eat it.

Now he had chanced on one of he standard hard-on sessions of the shower, as on both sides of him and across the room three queens sported horizontal members which they turned around from time...

I had a dream about you. I had an erection the size of your nose, though I could breathe through mine while yours was congested. The air smelled like pee to me.

Aw, so he used you as a penis cozy and then left? Guys are pigs.

Please, allow me a moment to put my penis back where it belongs. I should never have taken it out of its plastic wrapping before you’d finished opening all your other gifts.

My heart hated her, but my penis loved her. Taken together, I felt normal.

The list of women he’s slept with is longer than his penis. The list is three inches long.

I wish I could bottle up my penis and sell it at a garage sale. But first I need to get a garage.

Did you hear about the lawsuit? Mary asked.”No, what?””I hear that he is so big,” she lifted her eyebrows to indicate what she meant, “that he put a girl in the hospital and she is...

All I heard was blah, blah, holding your dick later, blah, blah.” Duke rolled down his window and stuck his face into the night.

The Beautiful Poem”I go to bed in Los Angeles thinking about you.Pissing a few moments ago I looked down at my penisaffectionately.Knowing it has been inside you twice today makes mefeel beautiful.

My cat’s name is Mr. Dog, and My penis’ name is Mr. Beaver. Ah, but that’s life, no?

Let’s start a new family.

It’s hard to type with gloves on. It’s also hard to type with just an erection. It’s basically like typing with one finger, and in my case, a pinky.

Your penis betrayed you, son. Made you think stupid. It won’t be the last time that happens.

I can hardly be expected to think like Santa. I get three times the letters, I poop burritos, and my penis is two reindeers more plentiful.

The reason the police buy water cannons is not only to control rowdy crowds, but also because my penis is not for sale. However, it is for rent, but not in the fight against freedom.

Unii ar zice ca Scorpionii sunt obsedati de sex. Dar nu penisul, ci inima mi-e organul cel mai neascultator: bate pentru altii.

If I had to describe my penis with a movie title, it would be: Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood.

If liquid courage smelled like cologne and gushed out of my penis, I’d make a better fire fighter than I’m not right now.

A fire truck is just a drivable penis. The flames of my love might engulf you, if you don’t let me park inside you.

Take off your damned wrapper! The old buffer ordered, looking intensely at her lower part. Comfort was on her knees, rubbing the old man’s dirty feet. All her plea and tears continually worsen the whole...

Comparing penis sizes is a much more nuanced and sophisticated way to determine who’s right than something as clunky and uncouth as a debate.

Music enters through the ear, not the penis hole. This is probably a common mistake most deaf men make.

V-as povesti despre penisul meu, dar ar fi o poveste lunga.

Yeah, tell your girl to twirl it on a fork before she puts it in her mouth.

I am that coward male who reminds myself each day that I am the man , takes my penis out and masturbate till i ejaculate the infused fears thinking her…And standing along with the crowds...

If my penis gets enough water, could my erection grow long and straight like a pine tree? Come over next Tuesday to find out! Bring a friend, but not a lumberjack.

The massive lump of flesh that has created you, me, and maybe, animals, everything that has life will forever live.

I didn’t need to be a writer to know that I could. Did you have to become a penis to act like a dick?

I’ll bring “The Hammer,” let’s have a Thorsome.

Because I feel as if I let it down. As if it needed something from me, I was its only hope, and now that hope is gone.”What penis doesn’t try to make you feel that...

I could name my penis Steve, and it would be appropriate, as it is sort of shaped like my dad’s face, whose name is Steve. Not just his face, but his whole body and person...

It’s a cliché to say that men think with their penises. But it’s a fact. And penises are notoriously stupid. My penis, for example, probably only has an IQ of 144, or about 12 times...

Viagra increases bloodflow to the penis, but what drug increases bloodflow to the brain?

Mother said, haven’t you seen older boys of your age, that you should take your rotten hands and play with my son’s penis? I held my mouth, and i really stiffled a giggle. Now i...

Despite being tired, I couldn’t sleep. Sometimes having a functioning penis can be a real drag (especially if it always dangles along the ground as I walk).

My vacation wasn’t long enough—and neither was my penis. Two weeks is just too short to satisfy one woman all night long.

For a guy, nothing is sexier than a girl who craves his little guy and can’t keep her hands off of it… because this is exactly the way he feels about your ladyparts whether he’s...

I accidentally sealed the box shut with my penis still inside, not realizing I may need to use it later. Being in love can be so distracting.

Well that explains a lot.

Thinking of you,” and the picture was of my erect penis. I hope my local congressman got it OK.

And though nobody has been dumb enough to say anything close to “You need to get laid” to my face, I resent the idea that anyone might think, if they knew my history, that I’d...

If I had no penis, how would I pee? How would I make love? How would I think?