Last night I was seriously considering whether I was a bisexual or not but I don’t think so though I’m not sure if I’d like to be and argh I don’t think there’s anything wrong...

A brick could be used as a status symbol, much like a Mercedes is now. The cool thing about a brick is not only would it have zero emissions, but it would also have a...

The na at the end of banana annoys me as much as it would you if it were bananana.

I have to put up a wall to put up with him. Not an invisible, metaphoric emotional wall, but a wall made of bricks. Those bricks could be used to keep out his bullshit. Bricks...

She’d been in labor for nineteen hours; I completely understood why she wanted to pass the buck. ‘You are so beautiful,’ her husband crooned, holding up her shoulders.’You are so full of shit,’ Lila snarled,...

And finally, I’ve always drawn a great deal of moral comfort from Humpty Dumpty. The part I like the best? ‘All the king’s horses and all the king’s men couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together...

I want to change my life…except I sort of like it. I mean, I couldn’t be more delighted every Monday night after Fletch goes to bed when I come downstairs, pull up the Bachelor on...

I’m dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

You’re mine and I wouldn’t let you prostitute yourself for pizza. Now go put on a shirt,” I said, pulling two slices onto a plate.

Maybe she should cut the guy a little slack, […] Maybe Thorne had been a no-show because something bad happened to him on the job.What if he’d been injured in the line of duty and...

You know you have ADD when Look A chicken – T-shirt

I persuaded him to throw the dirk away; and it was as easy as persuading a child to give up some bright fresh new way of killing itself.

With friends like me, who needs mannequins? My love for you is statuesque. Come, let us dance like we’re made of stone.

Turning to Turnip, Miss Dempsey said, ‘Do you think?’. ‘As little as I can,’ Turnip replied honestly.

He sniggered.He didn’t like to think of himself as the sort of person who giggled or sniggered, but he had to admit that he had been giggling and sniggering almost continuously for well over half...

They have what you call a black night where they have black people come in for just one night only to watch comedy, and you get all your local drug dealers, thugs, prostitutes, all of...

If you were to ask me the best time of day to fall in love, I’d say, “Now.” But you’d also have to remember to factor in the fact that my watch is eleven minutes...

Forgive me….I called you an idiot. I spoke too hastily. You are not. Had I given it more thought, I would have called you a scoundrel.

Love is like breakfast with Mildred. Who’s Mildred? How the heck should I know? I don’t eat breakfast.

You don’t scare me, Cadence Jones. I’ve lived with crazy, I’ve ridden with crazy, I’ve vacationed with crazy, I’ve visited crazy in various hospitals, I’ve sat in on therapy sessions with crazy. Frankly, I think...

I find out a lot about myself by sleeping. Dreams, they are who I am when I’m too tired to be me.

Nicole can do anything that involves a ball and whistle.

I never lie. I believe everything I say, so it’s not a lie.

Ladies and gentleman,” he said over the speakers, “welcome aboard this recently liberated Gulfstream V. If I could have your attention for just a few moments, I’d like to go over the safety features of...

Who-who are you?” Seth asked, hesitantly.”Wh-what do you want?” How else was was I supposed to reply? The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them.I mean, I’d only seen the movie...

My God, no wonder people like being tied up.

The canvas isn’t empty. It’s full of whatever you imagine it to be full of. My art is so conceptual that not only do I not tell, but I don’t even show. All I do...

The Rangers were founded over one hundred and fifty years ago, in King Herbert’s reign. Do you know anything about him?” Halt looked sideways at the boy sitting beside him, tossing the question out quickly...

You just tell me when and where, and not only will I not be there, but I’ll also be late.

I have a secret. A big, fat, hairy secret. And I’m not talking minor-league stuff, like I once let Joseph Applebaum feel me up behind the seventh-grade stairwell or I got a Brazilian wax after...

Just a few questions for you, Mr. Dunne. Or Kenny. Can I call you Kenny? I feel we’ve become friends in these past few seconds. Can I call you Kenny?

Push my buttons, and I’ll push you off a bridge. 

I want to spend less time talking about myself, and more time listening to what other people have to say about me.

I can’t see anything” he said in a muffled voice, hand over his eyes. “I’m blind.

Two things in life are certain: uncertainty, and I’m not sure about the second thing.

everything is negotiable. everything.

Well, well, well,” said Aitch Dee, his arms folded across his chest. “Well, well, well, well,” replied Pavel, not to be out welled.

Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.

Love is when you love someone’s spirit as much as their body, even if their spirit has departed and their body is buried wherever you hid it.

To attract men, I wear a perfume called “New Car Interior.”

Piers looked up at him. ‘You’re new. What’s your name?’ ‘Neythen, my lord.”Sounds like a terrible illness. No, more like a bowel problem. I’m sorry, Lord Sandys, your son has contracted neythen and won’t live...

How did you do it?” I brought the teacup to my mouth for another sip. “How did you guide Sophie’s soul? I thought you were a reaper.””He’s both,” Nash said from behind me, and I...

I want to go to all the topless bars in America and try to sell every single one of them a roof.

a purveyor of insipid wet-dreams.

Grandpa always used to make me ride in the bed of his pickup truck, so he could keep up his conversations with the 100-pound sack of manure he kept buckled up in the passenger seat....

If you have the choice between humble and cocky, go with cocky. There’s always time to be humble later, once you’ve been proven horrendously, irrevocably wrong.

Yield.

By stripping it of natural moisturizers, ethnic cleansers leave your ethnicity dry, wrinkled and flaky.

It was like my uterus was tapping out a happy dance on the rest of my organs. God, I was dying the longest, most tortuous, and arousing death in the history of the world.