I will make thee think thy swan a crow.

And I was all, “Don’t be gross, you crustacious fuck. You pull that thing out and I’ll pepper-spray you until you fry.” (You have to be stern with weenie waggers–I’ve been exposed to on the...

Take it as a compliment. I only try to corrupt people I like.

Ish #1 “It’s not your mama’s macaroni and cheese if you used spaghetti noodles.

Are ye ta’en with the swindle or the turn-sickness? Or are ye out of your wits?

Leap out the window, my inner Tigress cried. You aren’t ready to face such a powerful Tiger. I frowned. I thought a true Tigress never backed down from a fight. Don’t you know anything? When...

If you are reading this then you have wasted another day of your life day dreaming, rather than planning the life God intended you to live.

The only time I drink milk is when I drink coffee. I make love the same way—contributing 2% as I just sort of lay there.

Bricks could be used to promote social progress. If we could amass enough bricks to build a prison big enough to cage every citizen, then everybody would be equal. And I think our current political...

‘Be careful, though.’ ‘Aren’t I always?’ ‘No, I think the word for how you usually are is ‘reckless.’

Abandoned babies are unfortunate unwanted results of a once urgent desire to have an orgasm

A blanket could be used as a makeshift trampoline, to attract midgets to your picnic. The great thing about dining with dwarves, is since they are little people, they eat very little.

Pearls’ burst out the Snork Maiden excitedly. ‘Could ankle rings be made out of pearls?”I should think they could,’ said Moomintoll. ‘Ankle-rings, and nose-rings and ear-rings and engagement rings…

The old woman was the kind who would not cut down a large old tree because it was a large old tree.

A brick could be used as another brick, as they all look the same. So yes, I am for human cloning as a means to build the future.

My influences were Peter Sellers and the great British character actors.

I expect what you’re not aware of would fill several books, Dursely.

You were with Margo Roth Spiegelman last night? At THREE A.M.? I nodded. Alone? I nodded. Oh my God, if you hooked up with her, you have to tell me every single thing that happened....

Hard,” she replied.

It has nothing to do with Paris and everything to do with my raw sexuality, baby. I’m fucking irresistible,” he growls just before he shoves his tongue down my throat. I can’t argue with that.

This means that I don’t have to run faster than the psychotic-maniac-vampire-cannibal, I just have to run faster than whoever is with me when the psychotic-maniac-vampire-cannibal starts chasing us.

The bad news is most of my books are ebooks and aren’t for sale in brick-and-mortar bookstores. The good news is that most of my books are ebooks and are perfect for emailing and I’m...

A sobering thought: what if, at this very moment, I am living up to my full potential?

A brick could be used to cool your drink, like a large ice cube.

Bob had a dog buscuit stuck to his head. “How does he always get food stuck to him?” I asked Morelli. “I don’t know,” Morelli said. “It’s a Bob mystery. I think stuff falls out...

A blanket could be used to let the world know how serious you are. I’m serious, it could work. Try wrapping your naked body in a blanket and showing up to a job interview and...

I know who I am. Bloody hell, I’m getting enough bills for Karl Pilkington so I hope I am him, ‘cos if I’m not, I have no idea who I’m paying for.

A brick could be used to simulate a war opponent. Especially if your nemesis is paraplegic and without transportation.

Cat, hmmm? From where I sit you look more like a Kitten.”My head jerked around and I shot him an annoyed look. Oh, I was going to enjoy this, all right. “It’s Cat,” I repeated...

A blanket could be used as wrapping paper, to give the gift of a cat.

A woman is always better in everything with the mouth; she talks a lot.

A brick could be used to paint a mural of your favorite politician. It doesn’t matter how accurate it is, just so long as people can tell it’s a snake.

No one cares how long you kept yourself virgin and how loyal you are, everyone is looking for a hole to play with.

A blanket could be used to battle the cold, but not battle an army with swords, bayonets, and other sharp objects (unless the opposing army is armed only with sharp words).

Everyone talks about his funny throwing motion. But to me it’s an advantage. The ball gets out quick.

We men are fascinated by the things we don’t really understand. It gives us something to think and talk about: like females, they drive us nuts.

Would you settle for a bruised apple?”I laughed.

A blanket could be used as a screen to project animated bedtime stories onto, and also a place to project your fears about society not being accepting of adults who watch movies directed at an...

He checked out his surrounding. More books. A drinking fountain. A poster showing a guy slam-dunking a basketball with one hand and holding a book in the other, urging kids to READ! Weird, thought Steve....

Listen, Harr,y can I have a go on it? Can I?””I don’t think anyone should ride that broom just yet!” said Hermoine shrilly.Harry and Ron looked at her.”What d’you think Harry’s going to do with...

I’ve tried reading the Bible. I never make it past all the talk about the firmament. The firmament is the thing, on Day 1 or 2, that divides the waters from the waters. Here you...

A brick could be used as an identifier, for all those people with no real identities. I’m talking about clones, because just like bricks, each clone is exactly like the next.

Why would Dad call you? I mean, you have to admit that he would have been better off calling the local prison and asking them to send out one of the convicted killers to come...

A brick could be used to enhance your sex life. So what are you waiting for? Get that gerbil out of your pants

But though it had prevailed against such fierce adversaries as fire and flood, it had fallen victim softly and swiftly to television in the 1960’s.

I wonder what will happen if i put a hand cream on my feet, will they get confused and start clapping?

Doris loves Superman as well.unfortunately, she got knocked down by a van last year, and it was a big, long recovery for her, really. It took about six months, didn’t it, before she was fully...

A blanket could be used as Concealment Revealer. It both conceals and reveals, like great dialogue. Here’s some great dialogue I wrote for two characters, Mr. Brick, and Ms. Blanket: Mr. Brick: I like your...

I want to be so famous that drag queens will dress like me in parades when I’m dead.

A blanket could be used to cure the common cold. I mean, come on it’s just common sense. A blanket is warm, and if a cold is what it’s named, then a blanket would transform...