The only way I’ll play beer pong is if the room was a sterile room, the table was stainless steel sprayed down with disinfectant, the ball brand new, and everybody playing wore gloves and hairnets...

You know, sex at seventy-six is getting very dangerous for my health … since I live at seventy-nine!

Idiot,” I said, before grinning broadly and crushing his mouth to mine. “We need to pick new pet names for each other,” he muttered as I hefted myself up from the ground.

Schrödinger’s cat was a Siamese cat, must have been, because if it’s at once alive and dead, it’s a zombie, and the only zombie cats are Siamese cats.

I had a dream that I was in someone else’s shoes for once…they were the wrong size.

Birds don’t sing after a storm, they sing before the next one.

With a palindrome of a name, like Bob, I’d be both right thinking and dyslexic. Would you love me more as a Bob, or as a Bob?

Dave walked closer to me, his dark eyes combing my every move. “Do you always hold your guitar like that?”I dropped my pick. “Do you always shop at Hot Topic?

Dear Edmond,When I got home last night I noticed that you were asleep. I also noticed that you had gone to Morton’s Steakhouse and there were leftovers in the fridge. Renaldo and Ruprecht were asleep,...

The following is a list of statements made many years ago by experts in their fields. At the time they were said they sounded intelligent. With the passing of time, they sound idiotic.

Two-thirds of all preachers, doctors and lawyers are hanging on to the coat tails of progress, shouting, whoa! while a good many of the rest are busy strewing banana peels along the line of march.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year.I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.

I gave blood today. It came gushing out of my nose. And anus.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I don’t like Dijon or honey mustard. No, the only kind of mustard I like is #FFFF00 mustard.

Harley-Davidson,” she said. “Sweet.

A brick is a mythical object that empowers its handler and enables them to conquer the world and control the globe through secret occult knowledge. Just ask the Masons.

Europe is scooters. Europe is five young people on one bench sharing a chocolate bar. Their idea of entertainment and fun is so much different than ours, which is exactly why a movie about them...

Probably more than any concrete vice or failing Amory despised his own personality – he loathed knowing that to-morrow and the thousand days after he would sell pompously at a compliment and sulk at an...

Don’t lick the guests, darling. Bad manners.

An anniversary is the perfect time to celebrate all the missed opportunities to correct a mistake, and even take vows to renew it.

BE REALBring it on-And let truth be my existence.Value my life-And tell me like it is.Bark at me when I’m wrong-And hug me when I’m right.Praise me if I succeed-And tell me if I fail.Laugh...

Secret 7591.42.21. Avoiding weasel words in your intelligence analysis isn’t easy when your intelligence analysis is about weasels.

Where does love reveal itself? In beds, sofas, bathtubs – each section of a department store has its advantages.

Yes, I am.” I’m the kind of lover who’d wear a unicycle to a tricycle convention for hitchhikers.

I’m a damsel, I’m in distress, I can handle this. Have a nice day!

Modern wife: A position thought to require great ambition to fill. After initially showing some skill at a maid service or department store, the husband takes her home to find that she has risen too...

I lay warm in bed like a melted marshmallow in a graham cracker. I really wish my blanket wasn’t so rigid and crumbly.

I’m friends with a guy who is friends with a former Playboy model. So I guess you could say I’m 1 degree away from 212 degrees.

Intelligent life on other planets? I’m not even sure there is on earth!

A blanket could be hooked to ropes and attached to the body of a swimmer in training, to provide resistance and increase strength and endurance. Those very same ropes could be used to tie me...

When it rains it pours and when it shines you get melanoma.

Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

I went to the priest for confession, but he didn’t do it.

She held up her calloused, grimy fingers. Leo couldn’t help thinking there was nothing hotter than a girl who didn’t mind getting her hands dirty. But of course, that was just a general comment. Didn’t...

Erm…I don’t know maybe for kissing me and tasting so damn delicious, maybe for holding my hand in public, maybe for looking far too hot in that sexy, snug tee when you should just be...

Sir Henry fixed him with a keen eye.’Odd name, Tom Skatt – eh?”Thats right”You don’t think we could be related?’Tom looked up at his great-great-great-uncle and smiled.’I don’t think so”No,’ grinned Sir Henry “no, of...

There are some things you just don’t say…not even in a school!

Parkour is non-contact.”I felt my face redden. How was I supposed to know all that guy crap?

I need a camera shutter on my penis hole. That way I could photograph political corruption from the inside.

If things do not change,in the future we may all speak spell check.

Asked in 1919 whether it was true that only three people in the world understood the theory of general relativity, [Eddington] allegedly replied: ‘Who’s the third?

That’s all right,” she told him. “I can manage. I can sleep outside just fine.”Four pairs of eyes looked at her with a distinctly male skepticism.

I’m here today because I refused to be unhappy. I took a chance.

If an apology is followed by an excuse or a reason, it means they are going to commit same mistake again they just apologized for.

We walked on the moon. We made footprints somewhere no one else had ever made footprints, and unless someone comes and rubs them out, those footprints will be there forever because there’s no wind.

Mardi Gras, baby. Mardi Gras. Time when all manner of weird shit cuts loose and parties down.

I was shy,” said six-foot-one of bashful male. He grunted as a sharp, feminine elbow thudded inconspicuously into his side.

Gloves are condoms for the hands. My bare handshake might impregnate you.

I came in several times and spoke, but perhaps you were asleep when I thought you were awake.”You are very considerate to explain it this way,’ Sugreeva said, ‘but I was drunk