girlsplease give yourbodies and yourlivestothe young menwhodeserve thembesidesthere isno wayI would welcometheintolerabledullsenseless hellyou would bringmeandI wish youluckin bedandoutbut notinminethankyou.

My love is shaped like a dog whistle—the sound, not the thing. As a lover, I’m a fighter. But dogs have more bark than me—and so do trees.

Yeah? Well, if there’s anything worse than a whore it’s a bore.

I won’t die for my love—but I will live for her, which is much harder and more impactful.

I had a dream about you last night… you were a giant slinky and I watched you fall down the stairs.

I pee in the sink, so I can save time by washing my hands at the same time that I am urinating. I’ll bet you’re wondering where my favorite place to make love is.

Vanilla has become too genericized. It’s become standard, which is good. Vanilla is a household name. But the same standardization that’s made it so popular has taken the novelty out of it. Being the vanguard...

To a man, I love you means please keep feeding me. To a woman, it means she was talking to a new pair of shoes.

Sir,” returned Mrs. Sparsit, ” I cannot say that i have heard him precisely snore, and therefore must not make that statement. But on winter evenings, when he has fallen asleep at his table, I...

The wolf said, “You know, my dear, it isn’t safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone.” Red Riding Hood said, “I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I...

And I sort of felt her…you know.” Alan made an exaggerated shape of a heart. “You touched her heart?” Mike queried. “No! Her bum. It’s sort of, you know, heart shaped. Big heart.”He flexed his...

Hey, Mr. Nakata. Gramps. Fire! Flood! Earthquake! Revolution! Godzilla’s on the loose! Get up!

I say if a novelty Christmas song is funny one time, then it is funny every time. – Calvin

I don’t want to talk, either,” that mouth said very seriously. And then he lowered his head and kissed her.

A good many times I have been present at gatherings of people who, by the standards of the traditional culture, are thought highly educated and who have with considerable gusto been expressing their incredulity at...

He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.

No one messes around with a nerd’s computer and escapes unscathed.

The job knew I was dangerous when it took me.

All men are equal before fish.

This situation was a heart attack waiting to happen. He just knew it. The stress of the job, now this. Yep, he was going to keel over. He could see the writing on his tombstone...

I’m a happy person. If you want to be around me, you can either choose to be happy too, or follow the signs to the nearest exit!

Love is a combination of understanding and misunderstanding. I’m understanding of your flaws, and I’m misunderstanding why you don’t try to be perfect, like I am.

Nathan, how can you stand playing the same piece over and over again?” And Grandpa Nate answered, “Why don’t you ask me how I can stand making love to the same woman over and over...

We’re wasting time here. I’ve got a sweet ass to paddle. Some legs to spread…

Ready?” Aeron called over.Michael span to see him giving a thumbs up to the booth. His eye was drawn down to the huge war hammer hanging from his other hand.”How about we start with a...

Sikujui. Lakini naamini hungependa kuishi maisha yako hapa duniani bila kuacha urithi au kumbukumbu ya aina yoyote katika jamii.

He should probably make love to her.

I am who I say I am,I’m not some fantasyof how you think you think you knowor who I ought to be.I am a girl who is growing up in my own sweet time,I am...

Love isn’t two matching unicycles. Love is a bicycle—and mine just got stolen.

The sun weeps because it can no longer caress your skin or warm your lips.” He sifted his fingers through my hair. “I do not envy the sun, Eva. But I truly hate the moon,...

A brick could be used to help defeat all incumbent politicians whose last name starts with Brj and anything after that alphabetically. Since people tend to vote for the first one on the ballot, Brick...

Congress should make it so that all sex scenes in all films should be provided with a screaming baby sound track. That should help take away all the fun and may show a major decrease...

If at first you don’t succeed then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

A brick could be used to cut things. The duller the object, the sharper the user has to be to make it work.

Welcome to a new year at Hogwarts! Before we begin our banquet, I would like to say a few words. And here they are: Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!

I live on shameless flattery…and vodka…but the two usually go hand in hand.

She’s cute, I thought, but you don’t need to like a girl who treats you like you’re ten: You’ve already got a mom.

Well… you know, I would wake up with a terrible hangover in a jail somewhere and worst part was that I would not know why I was there.

And just so you know for the future, I like my double-chocolate chipcookies warm and soft in the middle . . . and without magnets glued to them.

Two years ago, I was a twenty-nine year old secretary. Now I am a thirty-one year old writer. I get paid very well to sit around in my pajamas and type on my ridiculously fancy...

A brick could be used to float a good idea at work—especially if it’s a good idea that would be bad for you personally.

And I thought, when I have kids, that’s the sort of well told, silly, and fun fairy tale that I would want to take them to. But it was an amazing experience. And I think...

Decoupage hit Mooreland pretty hard…

I’d like to sit down with him and pick his brain, just a tiny bite somewhere in the frontal lobe to get a taste of his thoughts” -Warm Bodies

I don’t like hello. It makes me sound like I have dementia, like I’ve never heard a phone ring before and I don’t know what’s supposed to happen next. Hello?

If, as I have reason to believe, I have disintegrated the nucleus of the atom, this is of greater significance than the war.[Apology to the international anti-submarine committee for being absent from several meetings during...

A blanket could be used as a warm topping on a hamburger, sort of like processed cheese, only tastier and healthier.

I really don’t think you should put your hand inside the manticore, dear. You don’t know where it’s been.”–Enid Healy

I hope not. It’s a girl.

A brick could be used to sell pepper to people in the salt mines. So while you’re busy selling pepper to the salty and sweaty workers, I’ll be selling them bottled water.