All the kids with fancy shoes or clothes, do you know what I got with a family of nine? When ever we said let’s play poker, we had a full team of adults right there.

He things we think he’s a double agent, working for them but secretly working for us. He doesn’t know we know he’s a triple agent, working for them but secretly working for us but really...

Ali was a lucky, lucky girl having those two big hot men at her disposal. Not that Roslyn wasn’t content with her one surly man, but still…two. Some people were enjoying their apocalypse a little...

I’d like to file a missing person’s report—on my clone. It’s nearly 2012. He should have been here by now.

Instead of the calendrical terms Monday, Tuesday and so forth, we cheerfully offer the following surrogates. Use them freely and often, for their use honors us all. For Sunday, please use Sunshine. For Monday. pleasy...

Is there anything more pathetic than a flower that doesn’t get enough sunlight and dies, because it couldn’t get out of bed until four in the afternoon?

Yes she met with a slight accident involving a stake.” Ash said “funny how that happens sometimes…

Leave me with my leftover meatloaf and my Yesterday Sandwich. I’ll be in love tomorrow, if you come back with the ketchup.

You take the words in the sense which is most damaging to the argument.

You see, unlike most writers today, I do not use a computer. I write the old-fashioned way: on the walls of caves.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

We don’t shoot somebody soon, I’m gonna forget how

My mother buried three husbands – and two of them were only napping.

Neythen looked perplexed. ‘My mum always said I’m named after a saint, not an illness.”Which one?”Well he had his head chopped off, see? And then he picked it up and carried it down the road...

You’re Nash’s brother. And a grim reaper?” She blinked again, and I readied myself for hysterics, or fear, or laughter. But knowing emma, I should have known better. “So you, what? Kill people? Did you...

In a brave and noble way, I want to sacrifice my life one day so that two of my clones can live.

The name’s Val, not Buffy. Do I look like a blond cheerleader with questionable taste in men?

That’s not a baby, that’s a log. And it’s not drowning, it’s burning.” I wonder what it did to deserve that? It was probably a heretic.

I support gay marriage. I believe they have a right to be as miserable as the rest of us.

Each one you take is a commitment. If you break that commitment, the gods of alcohol will punish you with a hangover so bad you’ll think Satan himself took a dump on you. -Milo

Sometimes we know people who aretoo wonderful for words. I am not one of them.Or you, for that matter, as you well know.

When I hear Jazz, my first instinct is to lean over to the guy next to me and whisper, “Fourth floor, please.

The kingdom of intelligence officially isn’t within you.

I love apricots. They’re so fuzzy they’re furry. They’re like little pets you can eat legally.

Scaling doesn’t scale.

I keep my love in the fridge, next to my meat, because you simply can’t beat it.

I feel small when I stand beside the ocean, next to all those fat people in bathing suits.

I hate when I’m at the grocery store and the person checking me out asks, “Paper or plastic?” It’s offensive. As if I’m going to sleep with her just because she has a clever pick...

Is it because I’m invisible?

I wanted a divorce, so I bought myself a house, to give me the incentive to stay married.

The unredacted text hides a black smudge mark.

Agatha had her tubes tied and now she can’t get any toothpaste.

Excluding starches, preservatives, emulsifiers and artificial flavoring, Soylent Green is actually less than 2% people.

If history teaches us anything, it’s that governments are always right, and they always do what’s in the best interest of the people, even at the expense of their own political agenda. In every situation,...

The job knew I was dangerous when it took me.

Why not? If you’re not going to let me see you naked, we might as well be girlfriends.””You’re a twisted little man.””Come on, Stretch, share with the class.””No!” I laughed.”Prude.””Perv.””Schoolmarm.””Some other word that essentially means...

We were young(ish) when we first fell in love. I was however old I am now minus the number of years it has been since that first day.

I’m a happy person. If you want to be around me, you can either choose to be happy too, or follow the signs to the nearest exit!

What was that?” Rich combined the pain of a crooked arm with the indignity of a flicked ear. I could only hope the situation didn’t escalate to the dreaded purple nurple.

Happy Birthday.”

We’re wasting time here. I’ve got a sweet ass to paddle. Some legs to spread…

I love like a lawnmower in the desert. I love like a solar-powered lunar vehicle. I love like a wind-powered kite factory. Some might even say I love like an ice cube in an oven,...

He should probably make love to her.

I honk at protestors to show my support, and also tell them to get the fuck out of my way.

The sun weeps because it can no longer caress your skin or warm your lips.” He sifted his fingers through my hair. “I do not envy the sun, Eva. But I truly hate the moon,...

A stack of graham crackers represents me as a person: am I a cookie or a cracker? Neither. Both. I’m a crackie.

If at first you don’t succeed then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

Woman, I could drown in your love, but I’d much rather be strangled. More passionate, don’t you agree?

I live on shameless flattery…and vodka…but the two usually go hand in hand.

The list of women he’s slept with is longer than his penis. The list is three inches long.