She asked if I wanted to spoon with her, and I told her I didn’t want to stir things up.

Are you two you know?” Jacob pointed at us. ” Together? Together? ” I didn’t get a chance to answer. Cam spun me around and kissed me, right there between the two buildings. It was...

I want to own a wind farm. Don’t breathe, or you’ll undermine the price of my crop.

I have lots of energy.

I love having a ceiling fan, although sometimes I wish he wouldn’t cheer so loud when I’m trying to sleep.

I’m sitting in the bleachers, watching longingly as all the boys and umbumped girls in my Personal Health and Fitness class play Muggle Quidditch. I don’t even like the game very much, I think it’s...

I need a Caution: Slippery When Wet sign, because I just spilled my ego all over the floor.

Anything for you, Dru. And I mean it. Now, be quiet and let me concentrate.

Cancel tomorrow! Who do you think you are, God?

Everybody always asks about Jimmy Fallon. I’m sorry to say that he’s very nice and there’s not much bad to say about him. I don’t know if he sucks at videogames or not. I don’t...

A tie would make a stronger impression on your boss if you used it as a blindfold and kidnapped him. That‘s why I bought you a black one.

First of all is the fact that I have some rather good turns of phrase. I don’t say that pridefully … it’s just that when a line I forgot about smacks me in the face...

I love being an older comic now. It’s like being an old soccer or an old baseball player. You’re in the Hall of Fame and it’s nice, but you’re no longer that person in the...

These are Plenimaran marines, and there’s not much most of them aren’t capable of, if you take my meaning.””I don’t think I do,” said Alec, puzzled by Seregil’s tone.”Then try this. They have a saying...

MAC gave me 55 lipsticks to test. These are the same lipsticks I got caught stealing by the police when I was 15. How ironic.

The moment the door opened I knew an ass-kicking was inevitable. Whether I’d be giving it or receiving it was still a bit of a mystery.

If two heads are better than one, then what about double chins? On that note, I will help myself to seconds.

how romantic.

I like wearing a blindfold while watching movies, so that I can focus on the dialogue. My favorite flicks are the silent movies.

In Hollywood if you don’t have a shrink, people think you’re crazy.

And then he said the next time he sees me the gloves are coming off. I said, “Doc, that‘s no way to perform a prostrate exam.

The State Department said no American is proud of CIA interrogations. OK, so we’re not as good as the Syrians at it, but we’re not that bad.

Sun Tzushi.

People who are needed by people who need people aren’t the luckiest people in the world.

I am not the Bird of Love I once thought I was. But my silence suggests I may be the Pterodactyl of Love.

When you’re still typing ‘whilst,’ someone else has already finished typing ‘while.

My name is Davis Davis. And don’t call me Mr. Davis! How would you like it if I called you Mr. Archibald, or whatever your first name is?

I admire women who tweet about their sex lives. Talk about serious multitasking skills.

I hate when women give me that look. That overlook.

Secret 18033-3. If the key to her heart is 128 bits or greater, you’re probably wasting your time.

I want to be asexual, because then I could be more productive. But not reproductive.

Secret 5.56.45. The scar confirms the beauty, the beauty the scar.

I cut my hair so it looks like I just woke up all the time, so that I can be like, what year is it? I’ve been asleep since the 80s.

Sadly, however, the sight of her generous D cups no longer sparked an ounce of interest from Little Sam, the man in charge of social activities.

The best thing about dating a deaf woman with no nose is being able to fart in bed and have her not know. Well, that is unless Edmond tells her, but I don’t think he...

I despise the ruling classes, but they’re required for my major.

I saw a hermaphrodite changing, so out of respect, I turned halfway around.

Jane Jameson.”He grinned. “Like the porn star.”I gaped at him. “What? No, Jane Jameson.””Oh, not as fun,” he said, making disappointed clucking noises.

I only know I was born on March 5th because someone told me. I don’t remember myself. So it’s fact based on secondhand information and trust.

I’m pretty sure ‘ping’ in Chinese means ‘table,’ and ‘pong’ means ‘tennis.

Politics.

A blanket could be used as a tarp over one of those tiny circular inflatable pools for children. Well, you might call it a tarp, but I’d call it a trap. But I’ve already tried...

I’ve always wanted to kill someone by stealing their sound. If you’ve got no sound, you’ve got no voice. And it’s impossible to scream with no voice. So it’s like murdering a mime, only with...

Freud was a fraud, but he’d probably think I have a complex of some kind. Anal, oral, Orafoural, etc. While most kids wanted to grow up to be an astronaut, one of Barbara Streisand’s bras,...

A tailor walks into a lawyer, and the bar says, “I like your suit.” And the tailor replies, “This morning I spotted a non-sequitur detective. Don’t worry, he didn’t follow me.

My imagination is something of a badass.

On my first date with Agatha, I wore tight green Spandex, which made my skinny legs look like asparagus. Knowing no heterosexual woman could resist such a temptation, I set out to seduce her.

Nothing else matters now that you love me.’ – suicide note

A brick could be used to remind me of her. I mean everything else reminds me of her, so why not a brick too?

I bet there are a lot of women out there who want to sleep with a guy who reads. And being the head of the reading foundation, I’m very well endowed.