Why does everyone think the future is space helmets, silver foil, and talking like computers, like a bad episode of Star Trek?

Drought is the best thing that ever happened to my lawn. And my beard.

Our family was nearly torn apart on several occasions by arguments started when the refrigerator door was open for what my father deemed as ‘too long.

I am a love factory. I make love out of high quality plastics at an affordable price.

You’ve read half the books in this house? This whole house?” “Well, approximately half.” Sticky said. “To be more accurate, I suppose I’ve read more like” – his eyes went up as he calculated –...

I place a higher value on human life than on no human life. But only barely.

And then she walked out of my life forever. Too bad she was hitchhiking. I should have picked her up.

A brick could be used as a doorstop. But that’s obvious. What isn’t obvious is why somebody would want to stop a door, since doors represent openness. What is that person hiding behind that door...

Up until I saw the hair in my food, it was delicious. You know, cannibalism isn’t so bad.

I think that guy’s listening in on our conversation.

I’ll take a brick in a blanket, hold the ice.” What the bartender started, the Finnish guy finished, and the brick and the blanket thought they’d better to drink elsewhere. * A brick in a...

I hope people of the future will remember my books for being burned, and I challenge an elite few to imagine the embers of the last copy.

A friend of Diagoras pointed out an expensive display of votive gifts and said, ‘You think the gods have no care for man? Why, you can see from all these votive pictures here how many...

Careers are not made in a family business, they are born – by patricide. Then they die from neglect, and avoid the tragedy of being put out of business.

A brick could be used as a substitute for the brother I never had. It seems ridiculous, but I’ve always wanted a brother who was smarter than the average politician.

An old man with overalls walked by; I don’t think old people should wear overalls; it makes them look like shrivelly toddlers.

A brick could be modified to be a cell phone, for construction workers who miss the easy to find cell phone size of the 1980s.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

I can’t tell my ass from a hole in the ground. Especially if that hole is hairy and emits foul odors.

Every time you strip my sword, I owe you a kiss. How’s that sound?” I bit my lip to keep from giggling. “That sounds really dirty.” Patch waggled his brows. “Look whose mind just rolled...

I coiled my empty straw wrapper around like a snake. Then I bit it before it could bite me. My love is as dangerous as my drinking habits.

Finally, this being America, there is the constant possibility of murder.

Poison.” he said, deadpan. “That’s an unusual name to give your child. You must love her very much.”She’s a treasure.” Bram agreed, blithely ignoing the sarcasm…..Then went a few dozen feet in silence, until they...

A poet or philosopher should have no fault to find with his age if it only permits him to do his work undisturbed in his own corner; nor with his fate if the corner granted...

Did I hurt you in the parking lot?””No, m’lady. I fell, so I could put a tracker on your car.”Great.

Once upon a time, fairy tales were AWESOME!

I had a dream about you. The Thursdays were back, and with them they brought hope. They were selling, and everybody was buying. I tried telling the people they shouldn’t buy, because if they just...

When someone gives you advice, just ask them to give it in writing and they will either keep mum or will run from there.

She gave me money to buy condoms, and instead I bought a book of baby names.

I hate witches. Humans had the right idea, burning them at the stake.

Rose unearthed three crystal goblets that almost matched, and even found a tablecloth that hadn’t been attacked by moths since its last public appearance.

I don’t do drugs anymore… than, say, the average touring funk band.

In the absence of a cat, I’d consider cuddling with a synthetic fur coat. Especially if your dead grandma was wearing it.

If they mean that it gives you a headache, they aren’t wrong.

If given the choice, I’d take five ones over a five-dollar bill, because women prefer men with lots of money.

He would have shaved the centaurs, dipped them in honey, covered them with feathers, and hung them up like a bunch of pinatas. I’m just saying.” – Warren

My high school teachers didn’t call me “The Babe Ruth of the Bicycle” for nothing. It’s too bad they didn’t call me that, because it was accurate.

After all, if spinster chaperons required their own spinster chaperons there simply wouldn’t be enough to go around.

When I find the wind to say I love you, it will be breezy, like a hurricane.

No, I believe in the good will of the United States’ administration.

I wanted to tell her I loved her, but I chickened out, like a beef taco. The crunchy kind, not the soft shell.

A brick can be used to represent the zero probability of this book being any good.

Love is an award you win by losing—or giving it away. Trophies collect dust, but love is the ultimate prize.

When there were no customers, he thought about geometry. He tried to perform the Pythagorean Theorem on the light fixture above him, given his estimate of its circumference, but he failed. He wanted to be...

The Eiffel Tower doesn’t look like a penis. My penis looks like the Eiffel Tower. What’s not to love about a Love Stick shaped like the symbol of the City of Love?

That, they never could lay their heads upon their pillows; that, they could never tolerate the idea of their wives laying their heads upon their pillows; that, they could never endure the notion of their...

In my mind, she was Lebkuchen Spice—ironic, Germanic, sexy, and off beat. And, mein Gott, the girl could bake a damn fine cookie … to the point that I wanted to answer her What do...

The same beautiful receptionist greeted Christian who had met him before and she extended the same lush invitation as she had the last time. Victoria’s eyes narrowed and Christian chuckled under his breath at her...

I’d want to have sex with myself. All the time.

Don’t go to the circus.