My boxers have salad dressing stains on them, and my dishwasher is broken. I’ll make dinner for you, if you clean up afterwards.

I’m too two for my taste. I want to be more one, more of a winner. If I start thinking like a champion, maybe I’ll start cheating like one.

If you don’t fall down now and again, it just means the training wheels are working

I have a keen sense of the oblivious

You keep seeing your picture on posters that you are missing but you’re not. That’d be weird, right? Or say you look down at the sidewalk and earthworms are spelling your name. Or you open...

I came home one night, some month ago, and I went to the closet in my bedroom…and a moth ate my sports jacket. He was laying on the floor, nauseous, y’know.

No! Please! I’ll tell you whatever you want to know!” the man yelled. “Really?” said Vimes. “What’s the orbital velocity of the moon?””What?””Oh, you’d like something simpler?

If at first the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it.

BRETShe looked like a Parisian river..JEMAINEWhat, dirty?BRETShe looked like a chocolate eclair..JEMAINEThat’s rare.BRETHer eyes were reflections of eyes..JEMAINEOhh, nice.BRETAnd the rainbows danced in her hair..JEMAINEOh yea.BRETShe reminded me of a winter’s morning..JEMAINEWhat, frigid?BRETHer perfume was...

A tickle, an itch, and a scratch walk into a bar while I was in the corner drinking a thermos full of epidermis, and I thought, this must be what love feels like.

I’ve got a piece of the American Dream. I don’t have a house, but I do have a new chandelier. Now I just have to build a house around it.

If somebody were to ask me what it means to me to be American, I’d respond, “It’s like eating scrambled eggplant with a dozen 1969 moons sunny side up at noon.” If they asked me...

A road that’s narrower than the width of my car’s wheels could only be lover’s lane. Hitchhikers make the best lovers.

I eat overcast skies for breakfast, because sunlight isn’t filling enough. As a lover, I’m a bring-my-own-umbrella kind of guy, because a soup bowl doesn’t offer enough space or protection.

Seeking a woman who looks like a feminized version of L. Ron Hubbard to help me decode intergalactic messages that I might receive on my Alien Communication Helmet. And after we receive and decode the...

A squeegee is a sponge on a stick, and if there is a tangible item that’s more romantic, I don’t know what it is. Never go on a first date without one.

The clouds are like marble in the sky, and I just want to make a kitchen counter out of the atmosphere. I can cook like a flock of birds.

I make ridiculous like I make damn sure nobody sees me when I do. I make it by hand and then I sell it on Etsy. Buy local.

To be invisible, paint yourself with the direct shade of 0. Leave nothing to chance, by taking nothing with you wherever you go.

My love is dangerous, like getting stabbed by a knife handle. I make love like a psychotic dyslexic.

I haven’t shaved in days. There are literally thousands of peaches waiting for me. I’ve been so busy loving that I haven’t been able to assist the Official Barber of Georgia.

When we make love, I orgasm much sooner than her. That’s because I know a shortcut on my bicycle.

The last time somebody pointed out that cowboys ride horses, not tricycles, I shot him. Of course, I waited until another gunslinger gunned him down, but nevertheless, I still shot him.

The tire left a skid mark on the road that looked like a mustache. So I shaved it off the pavement, stuffed it in my trunk, and took it home to wear to work the...

This morning, as I was driving to work, I mistook a big brown box on the side of the road for a deer. It was dark, and I swerved at the last second, and even...

My grandmother is dating a grandfather clock, and I’ve started wearing a wristwatch on my ankle. I also wear my love for Agatha like a raincoat, and I am jealous of every umbrella I see.

This book has nothing to do with cats. Or mice. Or self-motivation. This book is 100% 50% finished. But don’t worry, I finished the good half. But don’t be mistaken—the good half isn’t good at...

Our sex smelled like love—and monetary transaction. Whatever we had, it was politics at its most honest.

I make love with the accuracy of Joe Montana, and from a distance of up to 100 yards.

I make love like a backseat, not on a backseat. I’m both in motion, yet stationary. I would encourage you to encourage your mom to buckle up.

I’m an only child, and therefore I gave birth to my parents, because if it weren’t for me, they wouldn’t even be parents.

Why, look at me. I’ve worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

Are you tired, irritable, or suffering rom heartburn? Ask your doctor if my love is right for you. 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 9 out of 10 is 90%.

I like being absurd. Being silly.

When you’re out in the wilderness and get back to base camp only to discover sleeping bag turndown service….that’s no chocolate on the pillow

TEACHERNext. I am afraid –STUDENTI em afred –TEACHERWe are out –STUDENTWee are out –TEACHEROf badgers.STUDENTOf badjurs.TEACHERWould you accept –STUDENTWud you accept –TEACHERA wolverine –STUDENTA wolver-eene –TEACHERIn its place?

When I was a kid we had a sandbox. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child…eventually.

Just because you’re beautiful and perfect, it’s made you conceited.

My love is pizza shaped. Won’t you have a slice? It’s circular, so there’s enough to go around.

BERENGER: And you consider all this natural? DUDARD: What could be more natural than a rhinoceros? BERENGER: Yes, but for a man to turn into a rhinoceros is abnormal beyond question. DUDARD: Well, of course,...

Agatha and I rode off towards the sunset together. On a unicycle. Two bodies, one wheel, one seat, one love. And tomorrow Agatha’s clone and I will ride off towards the sunrise together. On a...

It’s not if, but when I’ll if on you that matters. How does Tuesday at noon sound?

When she told me to sit down, I didn’t know where I stood with her. Ah, love—it’s like a chair. It’s always sitting, yet standing on its legs.

Bah, Alzheimer’s. Grandma wouldn’t be so forgetful if she didn’t always have dick on her mind.

You don’t need to windup the wind to keep it going. It’s the same with my erection. All you need is two AA batteries and one I love you.

A good server knows how to be seen, yet remain invisible. I was a great server, and I achieved invisibility by never showing up for work. My boss ended up firing me, probably over petty...

Turn a pot into a hat in one easy step: put it on your head. I make love with the same sort of culinary innovation.

I have a lot of love to give, because free samples are the best way to encourage sales.

Raw vegetables leave me overjoyed with raw emotion. My love for her can best be summed up with one carrot and a cheese grater.

My love is heavy with ink, so I took it and transformed it into a poem for you. I would give it to you, but Grandma took it because I left it on the counter,...