If I tried to mail our love, it’s irregular shape and unknowable dimensions would make it difficult to box up. That’s why I’d chop it up and stuff it in a garbage bag, like it...

I told the Nicks I had to nix their idea. I mean it’s silly. Why would I name all my clones Nick Name? If I did that, what would their nicknames be?

My mother always told me not to pick my nose, so I’m going let the plastic surgeon decide what my new nose will look like. I’m hoping he makes it look like either a Tiffany...

I bought a faucet, but water wasn’t included. That’s like when you buy my love—it’s dirty and used, but soap isn’t included.

Alcohol is a crutch, for people with liquid legs. Our first date went swimmingly, like Michael Phelps mining for gold. 1849 just called me, and it wants its Levi’s jeans back. If you help with...

I spent New Year’s Eve tweezing my nipple hairs. If I were any more romantic, I’d be a Nicholas Sparks novel.

She said no to my sexual advances. Makes me wonder if she even knew the seven colors of the rainbow add up to the length of my penis.

I am two Jennifers away from making love to an Emily. It always seems like two people with one name are constantly standing in the way of my dreams. I wish they’d step aside so...

Love is the jelly to sunshine’s peanut butter. And if I tell you that I’m in sandwich with you, I’m not just saying it to get in your Ziploc bag.

I consider conversations with people to be mind exercises, but I don’t want to pull a muscle, so I stretch a lot. That’s why I’m constantly either rolling my eyes or yawning.

33 old people went into a nursing home, and only 34 people came out alive. One old woman died while giving birth to twins.

A coffin with wheels would make a great shopping cart. I’ll bet a hollowed-out body would hold a lot of soup.

Eating a plain bagel with no cream cheese is like eating the inner tube of a bicycle tire, and I’d rather ride my roller skates to work.

A tailor walks into a lawyer, and the bar says, “I like your suit.” And the tailor replies, “This morning I spotted a non-sequitur detective. Don’t worry, he didn’t follow me.

On my recent trip to Washington DC, I wore a hat I made out of a tin funnel that I covered with fur. Why? Because I was going to where the world’s largest collection of...

The rocky terrain wasn’t the reason we were on uneven footing. She had no feet, and I was in love. We made love like Nickelback makes music—and I enjoyed it, but I wish the fans...

I smell like cat snuggles and sex, though from two different activities. I have just perfected my meatloaf-flavored ice cream, if you want to grab a spork.

My heart is closed, but open. Closed to one woman in particular, but open to the public. Guided tours are offered Monday through Friday 9-5.

If my clone were standing next to me, I’d be beside myself with joy. I’d also be literally beside myself. In that case, I’ll bet you’d love me twice as much, huh?

There should be a soup spoon on the end of fire truck ladders, because fires do nothing if they don’t warm up leftovers.

Conspiracy theorists like to claim NASA’s moon landing was faked. Well of course it was! But the biggest conspiracy of all is the Columbus landed in the new world in the late 15th century. There...

The phrase ‘popular science’ has in itself a touch of absurdity. That knowledge which is popular is not scientific.

Death is life’s way of telling you, you’ve been recalled

Very true,” she said as she eased back into the cushions.With a soft click of his teeth, Al’s mouth shut. His eyes were cross, and he seemed peeved that I’d found a way to satisfy...

I took a puff of the wrong cigarette at a fraternity dance once, and the cops had to get me, y’know. I broke two teeth trying to give a hickie to the Statue of Liberty.

Solitude gives birth to the original in us, to beauty unfamiliar and perilous – to poetry. But also, it gives birth to the opposite: to the perverse, the illicit, the absurd.

The mind, placed before any kind of difficulty, can find an ideal outlet in the absurd. Accommodation to the absurd readmits adults to the mysterious realm inhabited by children.

JEMAINELisa?BRETYes, she’s in Delta Force. She’s been deployed to Fallujah.JEMAINEBut she works in the croissant shop.BRETYeah, she’s got two jobs. She’s a pastry chef and a sniper.

He works for the CIA. Johnny Redyellow is his name, but I just simply call him Agent Orange.

I need to take an exfoliating bath. Prepare the kittens’ tongues.

If you’re getting up to cross the Sahara, I could sure go for a bottle of water. My thirst to love you will never be quenched.

I’d hang a walrus on my wall, and I’d name him Russ. But I’m not a hunter—I’m a lover and a fisherman. Dinner will be ready in ten minutes, if you want to take off...

I got my girlfriend knocked up. Next time I’ll ring the doorbell before I enter. I think we’re about to witness the birth of a new me.

If you’re wearing a space suit, I’ll take a unicrescent sandwich; hold the mayonnaise—and the moon. (But don’t hold it in your hands.) Let us dance like the moon is hollow and inhabited by beings...

I keep an outfit of my baby clothes on a hanger in my closet. It hangs there like a heretical, anorexic midget. I do this to increase my chances of getting laid (wet baloney is...

It was raining, so I handed her a spoon. If God had wanted man to stay dry, He wouldn’t have invented soup.

Granddaddy Cove, it’s where all the lost hugs are. I know where the treasure is buried, and I’ll take you there for a small finder’s fee.

Instead of hip hip hooray, how about hip hip replacement? Old age should be celebrated one wobbly step at a time until the top of the stairs topples down onto the topless crowd below.

In my pants is where you need to look to find out everything you want to know about love. I got the magic formula from your grandma.

I did a finger painting today, and you can hardly even see my brushstrokes. Similarly, when we make love, you won’t even notice that I’m there.

Every night I cuddle with a blob of unbaked clay I fashioned in the shape of a woman. But that’s what being in love is all about.

I’ve often wondered why more science textbooks don’t tell teenagers that the only thing sharks like to eat more than fish, are dead prostitutes.

I’ve got a nice racket going. I make tennis ball swatters. My favorite score is love all. That’s also how I live my life.

I don’t want to work a 9-5 job, because 20 hours a day is just too much.

Should I go up one flight of stairs and then come back down, or should I go down one flight of stairs and then come back up? Same destination, same distance, same amount of work,...

All Quiet on the Western Front.

Cats are meowable gloves you don’t wear, you pet to keep your hands warm. But I keep my hands warm the old-fashioned way—by applauding all the political rhetoric coming out of Washington DC.

Sex, like business, is better with multiple partners.

My love is ripe for the peaching. Let me make Georgia to you all night long—and if I have the endurance, maybe even up to South Carolina.

No more than two to a tricycle, please. When I said family fun, I didn’t mean this is a place to start a family. (Children over 65 eat free.)