I like video games, I like tech, I like being positive.

We picked the Red Sox because they lose. If you root for something that loses for 86 years, you’re a pretty good fan. You don’t have to win everything to be a fan of something.

On ‘Late Night,’ it’s like we’re all in on the joke. That’s what I wanted it to be. I’m not doing something sneaky. Inside jokes, I don’t like those. We can all ride together, and...

I wanted to be the next Dana Carvey. This was my ultimate goal. If I ever cut into a birthday cake and made a wish, I would wish to be on ‘Saturday Night Live.’ If...

Thank you… ‘Real Housewives of Atlanta,’ for demonstrating a universal truth: Idiots like me will always watch idiots like you fight on TV. You will forever be in my TiVo.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

Listening is more important than talking. Just hit your mark and believe what you say. Just listen to people and react to what they are saying.

I read one chapter of a book and put it down. Thank God for Kindle.

I don’t even read the papers. I read ‘USA Today’ because it has color photos.

Thank you… preseason football, for having all the excitement, commercials, and time-outs of the regular season, but with none of the mattering. I appreciate it. Thank you.

L.A., it’s nice, but I think of sunshine and people on rollerblades eating sushi. New York, I think of nighttime, I think of Times Square and Broadway and nightlife and the city that never sleeps.

Thank you… Apple, for adding a camera to the iPod Nano. Now it’s just like the iPhone except it can’t make calls. So basically, it’s just like the iPhone.

If you’re a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don’t have a choice.

You only think of the best comeback when you leave.

I sing in the car if I’m in LA, because you’re like soundproofed.

I had a gun and I had to run and shoot, which is not easy.

The running across the field thing, that was the first scene we shot in the movie. We asked the audience to stay for the scene, and 37,000 people stayed.

I just feel like people like a little break. Especially at 12:37 at night, you go, like, ‘I’m just tired of the snarky right now. I just want to lie down and have somebody make...

We had the guys from X Men 2 do the cameras. They had a 360 camera that would go from one car, up in the air and over to another car in a continuous shot...

Don’t keep reaching for the stars because you’ll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

I grew up in an Irish Catholic family, and I think they force you to watch every James Cagney movie.

I don’t like to kick people when they’re down. I like to kick people when they’re up.

If people want to see you, they’ll find you. If they don’t see you on TV, they’ll find you on the Internet.

Leno, Conan. They are both really funny. They really know how to land one.

Thank you, hard taco shells, for surviving the long journey from factory, to supermarket, to my plate and then breaking the moment I put something inside you. Thank you.

When I was a kid, you would tune in to ‘The Tonight Show’ before you went to sleep. Johnny Carson. A big treat. I know it’s a privilege of mine to be able to be...

Thank you… fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

I just really don’t like being the center of attention that much. It’s kind of ironic.

I like doing energetic things.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they’re like craters on the moon. That’s another traffic thing.

Sandler’s always good. Tom Hanks gave me some good advice.

I’d be nothing without my wife. She’s the coolest. She’s the greatest. She is the smartest. She’s the funniest. I love her so much. She’s like the – it’s like your best friend for the...

You can’t reinvent the wheel. I remember when we first started out at ‘Late Night,’ we were trying to hire directors, and this guy was like, ‘I see you behind a glass desk.’ I don’t....

I became a Yankees fan for a few years. But now, I gotta say, I’m really rooting for the Red Sox.

I like being absurd. Being silly.

My dad used to work at IBM, so we used to get discounts on computers and stuff, and I did have a ThinkPad.

Thank you, horseradish, for being neither a radish nor a horse. What you are is a liar food.

My wife and I had been trying a while to have a baby. We tried a bunch of things – so we had a surrogate.

Thank you leaf blowers, for making me look like the world’s lamest Ghostbuster. I ain’t afraid of no leaves.

The one thing you shouldn’t do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere.

Arnold Schwarzenegger’s publicist told USA Today that the actor has not ruled out running for governor of California, saying that he will make a decision soon. Reportedly Arnold needs that time to learn how to...

I honestly, purposely have not gone to therapy because I know some crazy stuff’s going to be dragged up and, you know, I’ll be like, ‘Wait, what?’

Sometimes in a movie, the lines are so perfect.

‘Have fun’ is my message. Be silly. You’re allowed to be silly. There’s nothing wrong with it.

Thank you, yard sales, for being the perfect way to say to your neighbors: ‘We think we’re important enough to charge money for our garbage.’

Ben: You know what’s really great about baseball? Lindsey Meeks: Hmm? Ben: You can’t fake it. You know, anything else in life you don’t have to be great in – business, music, art – I...

Thank you… motion sensor hand towel machine. You never work, so I just end up looking like I’m waving hello to a wall robot.

I want to be a dad. That’s floating to the top of my list. I think it’s such an important thing. I’m at the age where everyone has kids, and I ask them, ‘Is it...

Anything I learned was just work hard, just keep working and don’t worry about the outside stuff. Whatever happens will happen.

I’d do entire music videos in my bedroom, where I used to stand in front of my television memorizing the moves to Michael Jackson’s ‘Beat It.’