My love is ripe for the peaching. Let me make Georgia to you all night long—and if I have the endurance, maybe even up to South Carolina.

No more than two to a tricycle, please. When I said family fun, I didn’t mean this is a place to start a family. (Children over 65 eat free.)

I have nothing but respect for you — and not much of that.

With gift giving, if it’s the thought that counts, then a picture of a Mercedes is just as good as an actual Mercedes. With my new camera, I can’t wait to show you how much...

If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?

Don’t you wish we all lived in black light…. for one thing, it would mean an end to toothpaste as we know it

TEACHERLet us begin. Repeat after me. I would like –STUDENTI wud like –TEACHERTo feed your fingertips –STUDENTTo feed yur fingerteeps –TEACHERTo the wolverines.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

EVERYTHING NOT FORBIDDEN IS COMPULSORY

The mind, placed before any kind of difficulty, can find an ideal outlet in the absurd. Accommodation to the absurd readmits adults to the mysterious realm inhabited by children.

JEMAINELisa?BRETYes, she’s in Delta Force. She’s been deployed to Fallujah.JEMAINEBut she works in the croissant shop.BRETYeah, she’s got two jobs. She’s a pastry chef and a sniper.

He works for the CIA. Johnny Redyellow is his name, but I just simply call him Agent Orange.

I need to take an exfoliating bath. Prepare the kittens’ tongues.

If you’re getting up to cross the Sahara, I could sure go for a bottle of water. My thirst to love you will never be quenched.

I’d hang a walrus on my wall, and I’d name him Russ. But I’m not a hunter—I’m a lover and a fisherman. Dinner will be ready in ten minutes, if you want to take off...

I got my girlfriend knocked up. Next time I’ll ring the doorbell before I enter. I think we’re about to witness the birth of a new me.

If you’re wearing a space suit, I’ll take a unicrescent sandwich; hold the mayonnaise—and the moon. (But don’t hold it in your hands.) Let us dance like the moon is hollow and inhabited by beings...

I keep an outfit of my baby clothes on a hanger in my closet. It hangs there like a heretical, anorexic midget. I do this to increase my chances of getting laid (wet baloney is...

It was raining, so I handed her a spoon. If God had wanted man to stay dry, He wouldn’t have invented soup.

Be honest because you stole it, not because blue/green/yell a little yellow. Dandelions just don’t meow like regular lions.

Instead of fur, how about a pet with grass, so I could mow my pet. Unlike now, where all I do is cuddle with a piece of sod.

My response landed me in hot water. A dirty dish also landed in hot water. If I weren’t such a raging feminist, maybe I’d buy a dishwater instead of scrubbing them all by hand.

Nine times out of ten I left one out. But the one I leave out is never love. I always put love in—even when I put it in your butt.

Love is like breakfast with Mildred. Who’s Mildred? How the heck should I know? I don’t eat breakfast.

Snow is not microwave friendly. In fact, snow is not too friendly at all, unless you first buy it a few beers. Then it’s just downright slutty.

Dear Mary Duende, It’s freezing here in the trenches, but loneliness is colder than any hyperthermia. Gunshots and shrapnel have become my companions. But life is better now than it was when I was at...

My love for you would blot out the sun like a cloud made out of yogurt. I hope you brought a spoon.

I make love like I make lasagna: with extra meat.

My cat likes to wake me up by licking my armpit. Never before have I had such a romantic alarm clock. It’s true, man, I should have been born Harry Truman. He could have been...

I keep my motivational book collection in the fridge. Hey, Who Moved My Cheese?! Did somebody let grandpa out of his cage again?

I wish I listened through my urethra, because imagine how euphoric and orgasmic music would be. One love song might get you pregnant.

I hold the biscuits in front of his face and he stands up.”What do I have to do?” he says.”Nothing,” I say. “They’re for you.””Are they poisoned?” he says.”No,” I say.”Eat one,” he says.So I...

The engine of my car is so powerful I could wash dishes under the hood. But that’d be pretty absurd, since I keep the dishwasher in the trunk.

In business I play hardball, because softball is for high school girls. People don’t know I used to be a pitcher. I was full of water, until my ex wife poured it all out.

Being born with a sickly resemblance to Henry Fonda was the first of a long series of practical jokes of which destiny was to make Major Major the unhappy victim throughout his joyless life. Being...

If a picture paints a thousand words, then a naked picture paints a thousand words without any vowels….

Love is just the chocolate-coated realization you’re going to spend the rest of your life with a person and unfortunately it melts in your mouth

Many years later when I began training as a plastic surgeon, I understood something that I had not that day in the kitchen arguing for Thalia to leave Tinos for the boarding school. I learned...

The fact would seem to be, if in my situation one may speak of facts, not only that I shall have to speak of things of which I cannot speak, but also, which is even...

[Waiting for Godot] has achieved a theoretical impossibility—a play in which nothing happens, that yet keeps audiences glued to their seats. What’s more, since the second act is a subtly different reprise of the first,...

Snarling an oath from an Icelandic saga, I reclaimed my place at the head of the queue. “Oy!” yelled a punk rocker, with studs in his cranium. “There’s a fackin’ queue!”Never apologize, advises Lloyd George....

Most people assume because my name is Jarod that I was born Martha proof. But I’m not Martha proof—I’m merely Martha resistant up to 100 meters.

Larry Bird looks like a bird, and Johnny Vagina looks like—hey, what is that in the sky?

My ex girlfriend, she gave great log cabin. But she couldn’t write a speech like Lincoln. So I grew a beard and broke up with her.

I wrote this piece because my mailbox was full of bills, junk mail, and lettuce, but not a single letter from Andre Breton. So I decided I’d write to him (though I did eat my...

My sheep pants don’t make me one of them. However, 37 Brantleys made an appeal on my behalf, but I still have to take off my pants.

I have assigned myself a Hooray Factor of five. This is the top level, and is the only level that has a physical representation—that of a high five. But don’t try to give me a...

It’s raining and my clothes are all wet. They are so drinkable! So is my love for you, but I left that in the river, along with the umbrella.

I was half asleep when I first saw her. She thought I was being flirty and winking at her. One eye open, one eye shut, that’s the best way to see love.

I am the All Three Cats of love, and if you had to choose, you’d be wise to pick the middle one.