I don’t kind of like to be kind and like you—I love to be kind and love you.

My ex girlfriend would say I am a bit of a romantic. Well, actually, she’d say I bit a romantic. I bit her on the bum.

My actions endangered countless lives, because zero is countless.

My hush is lush. It’s drunk on its own greenness, just as I’m drunk on my blue silence. What would you say if I asked you to turquoise?

I’d like to tweeze all the Tuesdays of the year, and all the Mondays off my chest.

The value of me is equal to 5097033198, but also 3051982. The first is my phone number, and the second is my birthday. I assign values to people. My fifth grade bus driver had a...

The greatest thing in the world is love. But the worst isn’t hate, it’s ignoringance.

let’s take a drive—to the end of our driveway and back” and have that be a two-hour round trip.

A man who claims to be 32 degrees is one freezing freemason. That man must make love with all the warmth of a shadowy secret.

The woman I love rolled through town yesterday, and she didn’t even stop her wheelchair once as she passed through. I got so angry I had to walk it off.

I work for the nod syndicate. It’s a sleepy job. If I’m caught not sleeping on the job, I’ll get fired.

A brick could be used as a logo for a company called Blanket. A right turn signal in the left turn only lane could be used to represent a company called Brick.

I’m not a good liar, and that makes me a good liar, because liars are bad, and bad liars are good.

If you think my current job is boring, you should see the sleeper I did before. (I worked as a mattress salesman.)

I long for your love like the length of a midget.

My rule of thumb for hitchhiking is: stick it up straight and proud and make if visible to all drivers.

I want to find myself as a person, and I’ve enlisted the help of my clone to aid me in this. It’s like finding Waldo, except I’m only half wearing the red and white sweater,...

I like to feel like just one of the guys. Especially when I hang out with the girls.

A blanket could be frozen and used to cool off a warm body as you slowly thaw it out.

Everything you swallow will kill you, some faster than others. Swallow your pride, and you’ll love a long time.

My sense of fashion is unmatched. Also, my socks are unmatched. My feet have grown cold, but my love for you has not.

A blanket could be divided into four even parts and given to three equal people. I’d be an ideal politician, because I believe in social progress.

When I smile, not only do my ears rise, but so does my listening ability. When my mouth goes all Helen Keller, you know I heard you.

A brick could be used to send a message. The quickest way to send it would be through the air, and it would make more of an impact than an email or a text message.

I put a saddle on my salad, and I rode my horseradish to Rhode Island, where I was just in time to be late. I think I left my time zone change in my Arizona...

She’s too sexy to be a killer—but not a murderer. A woman this beautiful gets a patsy to dole out death, and that makes her a lead murder suspect.

My girlfriend bought me a collared shirt for my birthday, mainly so I don’t get too far ahead of her when she takes me for a walk.

When tragedy befalls me and someone says, “Better you than me,” I always reply, “Yes, I am better than you.

I didn’t form my lips into the shape of a kiss. I was merely about to whistle.

I want to sit on the sofa, eating potato chips, while wearing one of those vibrating ab belts and getting a workout.

He was cold and ugly, so I lent him my invisible cloak. He was grateful and said if I was ever in the area again, I should try to find him.

I poured a compass into my coffee, to give the flavor some direction.

A bird was shot. I suspect fowl play. The next man to be shot is the man who wrote that pun. Excuse me while I load my gun and shoot myself.

When I go house hunting, I use a rather large gun. You should see me fish for the best tasting Starbucks coffee. Oh, and can I borrow your plunger?

Yesterday I bought myself a karate trophy. But I feel like I won it, because the salesman really beat me up over the price.

I write like if the color yellow had legs and could run a marathon while reclining back in a comfy sofa. I want some coffee, but I’m too lazy to get off my couch and...

I went on a date last night and things went well. If you must know, I got lucky. I found a four-leaf clover.

There’s nothing I like more than rewards. Well, other than awards. I also love coffee a lot too. Being rewarded with a coffee award would be the ultimate euphoria for me.

12 million Gertrudes agree—their name isn’t Gertrude. I know, because I asked them out to coffee, and only one responded. She said yes to coffee—and no to me.

I want to roast Mr. Bean, because that’d be the funniest coffee ever. I think I’d make a great roastmaster.

If there are two witnesses to a murder, you and the guy you killed, I’d say your secret is safe. I won’t say nothing to nobody.

I have been writing for about eleven years now. I went from elfish to elephantish, and in another eleven years, I hope to be Elford.

If you love me, wait until you meet my clone!

If I’m happy, my eyes are chestnut; if I’m surprised, my eyes are hazelnut; if I’m afraid, my eyes look like they just shit themselves; and if I’m crying, my eyes get lighter and greener,...

If our destiny stems from our name, then I weep for the flower named Wilt.

Thor once took an IQ test, and he was scoring so high that the referees took away his ability to shoot three pointers.

I could tell by their audible gasps that the people on the beach were jealous of me when I found five shark’s teeth. Locating them wasn’t really the problem, but pulling them out of my...

Her shoes were so pink that if she stepped in bubblegum, nobody would be able to see. And my shoes were so brown that if I stepped in shit, you wouldn’t be able to tell...

If my chest grew cat hair, I wouldn’t know whether to pluck it or pet it.

Sometimes looking like you know is better than actually knowing. People respect you, and defer to you, yet you don’t have the burden that comes with heavy knowledge.