My name is a half an hour early, but my body is on time.

I don’t trust you.” I’ll tell you, it’s like looking in a mirror when you make eye contact with your clone.

I’m not famous, but some people know me by name. Other people know me by number. That number is four.

A brick could be used to measure water levels through what scientists call hydrostatics. If you throw a brick into the ocean, you’ll have proof that sea levels are rising globally.

We Do.” My tagline will be: We at We Do do what we do so you don’t have to.

A tree once saved my life. A posse was going to hang me, but this wise old oak would not let them. As a token of my gratitude to that tree, I used it for...

A brick could be affixed to the collar of my shirt, because I’ve already got the weight of the world on my shoulders, so what’s the problem with a little new construction to go on...

I had a dream about you. We were discussing trade routes and power supply logistics when all of the sudden we realized that a dragon could provide both transportation and a fiery energy source. So...

Women get lonely, while men merely get horny. I should know, because I’d feel lonely even if I were surrounded by 11 clones of myself.

A brick could be used as 1,2, and 4. But not 3. No, 3 is too holy for a brick. 3 is a number so magical it can only be used by a blanket.

I don’t have any upper body strength, but that matches up perfectly with my lack of lower body strength.

Walking is so monotonous. Left, right, left, right, it’s also all so political.

My life story is too long to tweet. Too long by two characters—and by characters I don’t mean Dora J. Arod and Dark Jar Tin Zoo.

I wouldn’t want the guests at my birthday party confusing my celebration with the Oscars. That’s why I’m having the awards ceremony after we eat cake and I open my presents.

I’m running late. But that’s OK, because I’m wearing Nikes.

If I saw a hitchhiker wearing a tie-dyed shirt, I’d assume he’s been waiting for a ride since the 1960s. I think that kind of patience is groovy.

The lunchmeat fell on the floor, and I didn’t know what to do, so I wiped it off on the bottom of my shoe and served it to my boss. Ah, but that’s life, no?

Why aren’t any cars shaped like vaginas? More people would probably wear them on their feet while they run.

If my initials were Y.E.S., I’d probably go around smiling all the time.

Your food’s not getting cold. I’m keeping it warm in my stomach. Dinner’s on me tonight.

Arlington National cemetery is huge! But that’s not surprising, because DC is the world’s largest graveyard of good ideas and intentions. Politicians are natural hunters. If there is a good and productive thing, they will...

In my dream, the passenger seat of my car was a toilet. I guess I was on my way to pick up a politician.

He has wisdom beyond his years. He’s 87-years-old, and he’s at least as wise as an 88-year-old.

My love is like leftovers, and her image is the original meal. I should have eaten it all in one sitting.

If our limbic system betrays our true intentions, and it’s beyond our conscious control, then only a fool would consider lying a wise course of action. Politicians are full of such wisdom.

Love is the throbbing that keeps you awake at night. Or is that simply from taking too much Viagra?

I’m clingy like clang on pots. My love is cookable.

Jarod Kintz is a friend, a lover, and a loner. Jarod Kintz talks about Jarod Kintz, because Jarod Kintz has nobody else to talk to. Jarod Kintz is also a liar and a thief, and...

Don’t do something today you’ll regret for the next 10,000 tomorrows. No, you should have done that yesterday.

I want a moon canoe, because have you ever tried paddling through dirt? Love is a journey, and I try to travel as efficiently as I can.

If a policy isn’t working, don’t change the policy—change its name. That should be taught in Politics 101.

You may be ugly, son, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be rich. In fact, it kind of means you have to be rich. At least if you don’t want to be asexual and alone...

Right on cue, I figured out the letter that comes after P.

If you’re too slow off a red light, I’ll lay on my horn, because I’m a honky. Was that racist? Only if you’re trying to stir up political votes.

I won’t put up with a woman who tries to put me down. But I might put out if she lets me put it in.

Dream dialogue: -Don’t cry. I, too, know what it’s like to be different. -But I’m not different. I’m normal, I’m average, and that’s why I’m crying.

I didn’t apply for a job this morning, but I did apply deodorant. So I have that going for me.

The boxer had two black eyes. But that’s to be expected, since he was from Africa.

I often wear camouflaged pants so when I walk I look like a floating torso. I love with the same air of mystery.

I had a dream about you. We were two lovers disguised as librarians. We met in the non-fiction section, and that’s the truth. Or at least that’s what we told your parents. They didn’t need...

I want the gift of a guitar—no strings attached. I want your love to also have no strings attached—and be just as musical.

Yeah, you could say her and I are lovers. She wouldn’t say it, and neither would I, but you could.

If there are seven people present, myself included, and there is one pizza that’s cut into eight slices, then everyone should get one slice—except for me, who should get two slices, because I didn’t pay....

I want to grow a Loyalty Beard, to prove my commitment to my favorite shaving cream.

I talked to him on Christmas, and again on March 5th. Neither one of us hung up the phone that whole time.

Only a retard tries to cut something with the handle of a pair of scissors. Well, only a retard or a politician, but the two are synonymous.

The world may be running out of water, but it isn’t running low on music. Let the dancing flow!

Being negative, that’s no good. Also, being no good is no good. By your silence I can tell that you love me. Either that or you’re a disciple of Helen Keller.

Bribery—it’s the way to get ahead. At least in politics.

She said if you don’t dance and you wear no pants I will marry you. I said, I do.