I had a dream about you. We lived in an environmentally friendly future where nobody drove cars. Everybody rode roller coasters to wherever they needed to go. Well, everybody but midgets, who were kept in...

The perfect vehicle to take to the moon would be a two-door Saturn with a sunroof.

The task may be simple for me, but if I make it look too easy, you won’t appreciate it as much as if I pretend to struggle to help you out.

Take pride in your workweek, not your weak work.

A gun that shoots out rainclouds is a delayed water gun. I need to just pull the trigger and tell her I love her, but I’ll wait until her umbrella is open and her bathtub...

I don’t punch walls, because walls don’t punch back. I also don’t punch things that can and do punch back.

Taking a break. Been working solid for the last few hours, as opposed to working liquid, which is more drinkable. Can I pour you a glass of productivity?

Thanks, I try to look good.

I wrote a thesis on love, and I wrote it in lipstick. Of course, I also got blood on the paper, because the lipstick was still attached to her cheating lips.

Love is the last thing on my mind right now. But of course it’s the last thing on my mind, because I was just thinking about it. I always think about love when I’m not...

I drink coffee with a spoon. It’s like soup, only less sleepy.

At the end of the first date, I got my courage up and I made a move. One U-Haul van and 1,500 miles later, I regretted my boldness.

The idea of a belt holding my pants up seems so 20th century. Imagine a world where your pants are held high by your self-esteem. But it’s a silly notion, really, because in a world...

I’m 50% in love. To put that into a visual, I am a 3’ tall midget aspiring to be a 6’ tall man, with the coffee capacity of a narcoleptic camel.

I rewired my brain. Now every time I feel disappointment I orgasm. So go on a date or get stood up, either way I’ll cum.

I can’t say I can’t say can’t, because I can. I believe I don’t believe.

Her hair was the color of coffee without cream, and she fell in love with me when I poured sugar on her. Probably.

I could have murdered a man today, but by not doing so I saved his life, and thus became a hero to myself. I’m like that all the time. Being heroic, I mean.

I remember that year as well as he does, though I was really young then and he is really old now. So I had no memory formation then, and he has Alzheimer’s now.

You can’t write with dry ink. Likewise, using another author’s dried words to make your writing more fluid is not only dishonest, but it’s against everything I stand for as a former lifeguard.

Nobody showed up to my wedding, even though I sent out 50 invitations. The problem was 49 of the people were dead when I sent them out, and the 50th person died shortly after I...

I want to start a business making mint-flavored sunshine that comes in a can half full of meow-free rainbows. (Leprechauns sold separately.)

Laughter is the sound of the soul dancing. My soul probably looks like Fred Astaire.

In business I play hardball, because softball is for high school girls. People don’t know I used to be a pitcher. I was full of water, until my ex wife poured it all out.

I’m an open book—an open book I’m still writing and editing. My book is a romance novel, sort of like The Secret.

cat” in category. And not only do I put it there, but I pet it too.

I hid my grief well. (Hint: it’s in the basement)

The ChairI’m writing to you, who made the archaic wooden chairlook like a throne while you sat on it.Amidst your absence, I choose to sit on the floor,which is dusty as a dry Kansas day.I...

There are whiskers in my soup, and my spoon smells like my cat’s ass.

I’m building a hot air balloon out of my love for you. I’m starting with the hot air, and then I’m going to surround that with saran wrap, because after all, I’m only using leftovers.

If I walked in on two of my clones having sex, I’d think it was gay, incestuous, and just plain rude to have not invited me.

I want to read the employment section of the Bible. I think it’s simply called Job.

The best part about vomiting is that right after you do, you can continue eating.

I went to a fire sale. I brought a bucket of water, and boy did I make a splash.

Maybe I could hear better if my ears weren’t flipped inside out. Unlike a cat’s ears, you can’t tell mine are flipped over. But they must be, because I only seem to listen to myself.

When there’s no more food, only the anorexics will be amped up. And I’ll be there to drink up that excitement, because eating all that food made me thirsty.

In 1901, Jacksonville burned down in a fire, killing only seven people. Well, the fire killed four people, and I murdered the other three.

It was raining cats and dogs. My clothes were saturated with meows and barks.

My love is self-contained, like chips in a bag. Don’t eat it all at once.

Wow! Who is that sexy woman she’s standing next to?

Well, isn’t writing a sport? If you’re doing it right, and you have a deadline, you should be sweating.

I brush my teeth like they are gray cumulonimbus clouds, and I floss like I fish. Can I offer you a small piece of salmon?

Who is this guy taking care of my oral hygiene?

Great Listener Seeks Mute Woman.

I dance for a living. At the early bird special you can find me—doing the worm.

For me to enjoy a salad, I need the right dressing. Vodka is salad dressing, right?

I need a Caution: Slippery When Wet sign, because I just spilled my ego all over the floor.

To most people, if you’re muttering, you might as well be speaking a foreign language. I should know, because in college I took two years of muttering.

I make love like a leprechaun, and I cuddle like a rainbow—after a shower.

My father sacrificed his life for our family when I was growing up. He was one of the bravest, wisest, and most unselfish goats I have ever known, and I will miss his cheese dearly.