A fuel pump is a fountain drink machine for cars. And people who want to save the environment and get drunk and run to work.

I love like an albino. But I don’t want to get sunburned, so would you please pass the ketchup?

Do you mind if I use your bathroom? I haven’t made dinner yet.

My hands fell asleep, so I washed them with hot coffee. Then I had donuts for breakfast, by way of spinning circles in my car and burning rubber in the parking garage of my office...

Networking is more quality, and less quantity. It’s better to form a solid connection with one new person, than a liquid connection with ten. You don’t want people to think you drink too much.

I prefer kissing over dinner. Not that I prefer kissing to dinner, but I prefer kissing over the plate containing my dinner, especially if my dinner consists of something romantic like monkey brains.

I wear a ten-gallon cowboy hat. That’s where I keep my fish tank. When you’re a farmer of love, you’ve always got pink kissers on your mind.

I don’t like walking, I don’t like shoes, and I don’t like roller skating in a wheelchair—too many wheels, and not enough sitting.

I’m an extreme athlete. I’m into cuddling. I wonder if Red Bull would sponsor me.

I’m learning sign language to be a better communicator and masturbator.

This morning I ate a hamburger for breakfast, and then wept like a baby into an open jar of mayonnaise. I guess that’s just the champion in me.

Nobody would use scissors to mow a golf course, I need a haircut, and I’ve only got 18 holes to do it in. If I had a wheelchair, maybe I could improve my handicap.

Love is shapeless and colorless and tasteless and odorless. But so is God, so how can you believe in one and not the other?

My last two girlfriends were named Anna, though the second one spelled her name backwards. So instead of Anna, it was spelled Anna, and that’s how I came to tell the two apart.

I put out the Gary call, but only two Gregs and a Susan came. Oh well, if they don’t want to snuggle, I suppose I’ll just sell my surplus supply.

The only thing I have left to remember her by is the scent of her perfume. I just broke into her car and stole the bottle.

I think the best punishment for a misbehaving child is to strap them to a chair and make them listen to Lady Gaga. Actually, perhaps that’s too cruel, too close to torture.

She said no to my sexual advances. Makes me wonder if she even knew the seven colors of the rainbow add up to the length of my penis.

I want to open a 24-hour store called Closed. It’s open, and it’s Closed.

Love splattered on my life like bird shit on a windshield.

I am two Jennifers away from making love to an Emily. It always seems like two people with one name are constantly standing in the way of my dreams. I wish they’d step aside so...

Weeping willows always remind me of summer. And sadness. Please stop crying sweet tree.

Everyone’s different, and in that way everyone’s the same. Stand out by sitting down. Try my love seat—it’s made for two people, so you can be comfortably obese.

Shakespeare asked what’s in a name. Well, each of my clones won’t be named the same as me, but they’ll be me and just as sweet.

Love is like a corn-dog popsicle, and I’m on the Most Wanted list. Unfortunately it’s by the government, specifically the FDA, and not by women.

I am the red in remembered. Why am I red? Because I’m embarrassed.

I said I made a special trip to get her favorite item, because it sounded more romantic than saying I randomly had it already. Now that’s love.

Every time I eat an English muffin I feel like I become more grammatically correct, more refined, more cultured, and an all-around gentleman.

I’m drinking your reply. Maybe isn’t too hot or cold, so I’m chugging it.

An author named Arthur Arthurson would write about art, love, and road kill in Kenya. And I’d read him because I’m a meat eater and car enthusiast.

But if she could be here, she probably wouldn’t be here. But that won’t stop me from ordering for two, and if I can’t eat it all I’ll take the leftovers home so I can...

In elementary school, in my lunchbox, I used to pack a saxophone. I could have been a chef, a culinary artist, and all that jazz.

People say I’m not punctual. That’s absurd, because I’m early. It’s my fame and wealth that are late. Once they get here, nobody will care what time I show up—just so long as I show...

Things I can’t live without: food, water, love. But not her love, because I haven’t had that in a long time, yet I’m still alive.

A brick on a stick could be licked like a lollipop.

I’ve been able to sleep with my eyes open ever since I started watching baseball.

No thanks. The one I have isn’t broken.

My photograph represents me as a person, but not as a personality. My personality is best represented by a Rorschach test.

The only thing cats love more than food is sleep. We have that in common.

I walk with a purpose. And a limp. (The limp helps serve my purpose, which is to gain sympathy.)

If I weren’t married, and I didn’t have a girlfriend, I’d ask that girl out. But what can I do? I’m an honorable guy.

Good days are ahead of me. But so is the worst day of my life—my last day. I need a cup of coffee large enough to take a bath in.

I picked up a new language a few months ago. It was just laying on the ground, dirty, so I scooped it up and popped it in my mouth.

Our love was soggy, like the biscuits I forgot to take out of the bathtub.

I came from a broken home. My bedroom window was cracked.

Women want me, and men want to be me. And by me I mean Ryan Gosling.

A brick could be used to foretell the future. But I’m the only one alive who knows how to make it work, and my occult knowledge can be rented out to you for $9.99 per...

I don’t like it,” I can save up to 25% on my energy output.

Inside my skull is a turtle shell. Inside the turtle shell is a rabbit. And inside the rabbit, all my tasty thoughts constantly stew.

I am the who in whodunnit. But I am not the dunnit.