She drowned in a coffee cup the size of a swimming pool. It really helped wake me up to my own mortality.

A brick could be used as a spoon—to eat, not cuddle. OK fine, you can use it to cuddle too.

I was just shy of reaching my goal. My goal was to be more extroverted, so being just shy meant I completely failed.

Love will find you eventually. It found me, and I was hiding like fall in the spring.

Check a phone book out of a library. Inside is a foggy castle covered by a black leather glove, watched over by a shaggy gray dog. My name is written in numbers in the sky...

I steal cracker packets. I hoard them. Once my collection is large enough, I’ll take them to the flea market and try to sell them to discerning lovers.

Today likes to happen before tonight. Impatient, I guess.

A brick could be used as a way to motivate yourself to succeed. I’m proof that it works. It’s how I managed to get second to last in my last race.

I don’t understand the game of Cricket. But I do get the game of Noisy Night Insect.

I am the archaeologist of love. I’m digging for the bones of a loved one I shot and buried decades ago.

A brick is a fraction of a building, and a brick is like a building—if you’re like an ant.

I said it unto him who isn’t, and he wisely said nothing. Sometimes saying nothing is saying more than enough.

I really want to see you tonight, so I hope you leave your blinds open.

Four bricks could be affixed under a skateboard and used as really inefficient wheels. Ha! Let’s see Tony Hawk do tricks on that board. Actually, he probably could.

I agree with both these guys. Better make it a whiskey sour.

I want to put silencers on all guns. That way war will be nothing more than a whisper in the future. And all those who are caught whispering will be shot.

Bricks could be used to feed the homeless. But why not use those bricks to build the homeless people homes? Oh yeah, because that’s not the sort of smart decision DC makes.

I have failed, and I should bury my failure. I need a trowel (it was a small failure).

What do you call someone who watches you in your private moments? They used to be called a pervert, but now they’re called an NSA agent.

Brick and Blanket could be the names of two characters in a screenplay full of witty dialogue like: Brick: Hello! Blanket: Hi! Brick: How are you? Blanket: Good. You? Brick: Good.

Experience counts for something. I count with my fingers. I could count on you, but you’ve only got one finger for me (the middle one).

When the fog lifts on this economy, I think we’ll find a lot of people refusing to ever turn off their caution lights.

I don’t own a cat. My cat owns a human.

We made love like two smiles torturing a frown. My advice is to put it on the rack, and really stretch out the event.

I’m a competitor. I once placed fifth in a bottle of whiskey.

I am the Chosen One. I know, because I chose myself, myself. But to be fair, it’s not like there was another choice. It was either to be me, or not to be. And I...

A blanket could be used to rob a bank. Guns are so Bonnie and Clyde, but a blanket bank robbery has a certain amount of seduction involved. A blanket has a lot more banging involved...

Planning is worrying, only in a productive, proactive form. Worry has to be a large element of planning, or else how could you project different possible scenarios, situations, outcomes, and probabilities, and then plot a...

I just got a world record. It has music from Europe, Asia, North America, all over the globe. Michael Phelps also has a world record, but you can’t dance to it like you can mine....

until death do us part” is faster and cheaper than a divorce.

I saw a hermaphrodite changing, so out of respect, I turned halfway around.

I eat fog for breakfast, and I shit out steamy love scenes from the 80s.

Alcohol helps you to loosen up to make memories you won’t forget, and then it helps you to forget them completely.

Emerald Isle” because there are lots of precious stones found there, such as sapphires and rubies.

Love is like a zebra refereeing a football game. I should know, because I am the rodeo cowboy riding that zebra.

Sleep” that’s sure to put everybody to the title. The whole movie will look like an extended blink. That way, if anybody asks if you’ve seen it, and you say No, you fell asleep halfway...

I don’t need a reason to have a reason.” Actually, I have no idea what he said since he was muttering.

Don’t sell yourself short—sell yourself medium, because it’s taller. Did you know my love is refillable? For just .99 cents.

Love has boundaries, like a map, and I guess that makes me a cartographer. Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re too topographical for my taste.

How many birthdays can you fit in your lifetime? If you answered “All of them,” you should have your genitals ripped out from underneath your father’s pillowcase.

My name is Awesome Amazing. My middle name is Lee.

I don’t like it when I have guests over and my girlfriend doesn’t wear pants and makes sock puppets with stinky socks and does impressions of my visitors with a falsetto voice. It’s embarrassing. I...

My love is atonal. It sounds like a bodily function (walking, or sometimes running).

The man who has pajamas knitted to match those of his cat, must be a superior lover.” My grandpa died a virgin.

Lay your head on my shoulder and massage my buttocks while you cry.

My bedroom is a fridge with a window, because I can’t sleep unless it’s cold. I cuddle like warm meatloaf, but hardly ever with warm meatloaf.

Initially, I’m one E short of being a JOKE. Midgets are also short.

Using a mannequin and some rope, could you ride two bicycles at once? Next time, try three bikes. Then truly love someone, because that’s even harder.

He was an introverted kid, so I didn’t send him to his room as punishment. No, I took him to a party.

The Black-eyed Peasants.