A blanket could be used to keep an iceberg warm. People are so selfish and want to stop global warming. Well, if you were a snowman, and were cold all the time, wouldn’t you welcome...

Music is inaudible to deaf people, just as dancing is invisible to me.

I saw a baby make a boom-boom in his diaper, and I thought, I’d never have suspected him of being a terrorist.

A brick could replace the cardboard bill on a baseball cap. On a windy day, no gust will knock your hat off.

I like to switch things up by keeping things the same. People never expect it.

I’ve lived in Jacksonville for—not sure, I get Jacksonville and Paris mixed up. I’ve never been to Paris.

When some Jeff tries to be other Jeffs, ain’t no Jeffrey in the house to be found smiling. Also, there are no Jeffries in this house.

Agatha told me she was late, and I thought, I haven’t slept with her in years—she really must be late. I’m going to be a father!

Why have you left me, Yesterday? Was it because I slept with Today? I have a routine. Every day I do something different.

I always wear gloves, so at any moment I could commit a crime and not be worried about fingerprints. Plus, it saves on buying hand sanitizer.

Of all things possible, the impossible is the only one worth skipping sex for.

I hate when women give me that look. That overlook.

A brick could be used to keep your sandwich pressed down, so your meat doesn’t spill out.

My sex life is Ok. Specifically, Oklahoma City.

Love is tender, like the pot roast I’m keeping warm in my shoes.

A blanket could be used to keep your body warm. After all, your body starts cooling off rapidly once you die. But don’t worry, I’ll bury you someplace quiet, someplace sacred, someplace so secret the...

I don’t need a coffee cup. That’s what hands were invented for. That’s also why I don’t need sex.

I told the waitress I wanted some coffee. She asked if I wanted leaded of unleaded, so I had to leave the restaurant, because I quit drinking gasoline years ago.

A brick could be duct taped in front of your eyes, like a blindfold, so you can have that feeling of hitting your head against a brick wall all the time.

I’m great at making love, at least for the first 20 bucks, and for about 30 minutes after that I just sort of lay there, trying to stretch out my investment.

I got offended when she laughed, because she was showing pleasure, but she was also showing displeasure—in all the previous moments where she hadn’t laughed.

A brick could be used like Dracula uses binoculars. I swear that pervert peeps on me every night from the tree across the street.

A rose is a mix of thorns with a flower, and is therefore half fuck you and half fuck me. If I gave you a dozen, would you fuck me 12 times?

If I were alone with my clone, and we were enjoying each others’ solitude, I’d have finally have met a man with whom I could hold a conversation consisting entirely of the repetitive response, “Yes,...

I carry all of my childhood memories in my mind. But maybe that’s not the best place for them. Well, you’ve got some extra space in your closet. Do you think I could store them...

I make love like others make money. You’ve got to spend money to make money, right? If not, then why am I paying for sex?

Karate, I get a real kick out of it. I would get a kick out of coffee, but I’ve got better ways of stirring, like renting Michael Phelps’ 400 IM time.

His last name was Morris, but I called him Mars, because it’s like he was from another planet, like Venus. He was a cross dresser.

An umbrella is a portable shelter. My penis is a portable people maker.

It’s been said that 1 in 4 people have herpes, and everyone has 4 grandparents, so let’s be honest, your grandmother is probably a dirty skank.

Despite marking the spot, Generation X has no treasure. How could they, when I dug it up first?

Every time we made love, one of us cried. Mostly it was me, out of joy, but occasionally it was her, out of despair.

I’m never lonelier than when I’m in a crowded room, talking to nobody, awkward and isolated, trying to decide how to stand so I don’t appear as if I want to start Roger Bannistering a...

I didn’t shave my mustache off. Instead what I did was taped Elton John’s asshole to my top lip and then all of the sudden I had twice the dick in my mouth as before....

It’s not until the break of dawn that the darkness gets to take a break. That’s also when the pain of losing yesterday’s love begins to lift.

My reputation precedes me. It shows up about fifteen minutes before I do, eats, and then leaves without paying or tipping.

It’s the same with cell phones. I never answer them up to my ear. I always put it on speakerphone and hold it six to eight inches away from my brain. Here’s an example of...

The length of people I love is too long to list. But if you were to do it, it would look like a phone book.

To show the football coach I was ready to play tight end, I wore no pants and had a Q-tip dangling out of my ass.

Don’t breathe on my voice, I yelled through my ears. But who’s there to listen, when you’re all alone and wearing earplugs. It’s true what they say, even if they say it silently—love is Helen...

If I can’t see the bottom, I don’t know how much is left. Why does my love have to be so thick? I suppose because it keeps the engine of your heart running smooth.

Being alive means living fully extended. Like Orafoura’s cousin, who is 2.5 inches tall, but has a five-inch penis. You can’t say that’s average, because how many people do you know whose penis is twice...

You know what’s a chain reaction? The direct relationship between how fast I pedal, and how fast my bicycle travels. I’m the kind of lover who notices the small details, like the fact that my...

I can’t swim, because despite my love being shaped like Michael Phelps, it’s so heavy it’s like an anti flotation device. If I can barely even carry it, I can understand how it’s a burden...

Last night I stayed up late talking about tomorrow, and today I regret it because I was way off (by about 24 hours).

I wash my hair with strawberry jelly, because my favorite thing to eat for breakfast is lunch. It’s never too late to love someone, but sometimes it is too early.

Her name was Melody, and she was like a song. A song on mute—because she was mute. Music to my heart.

I want to meddle with an Olympic medal made of silver metal. I want to alchemize it into gold, and use a mixture of science and mysticism to transform losing into winning.

1-12, how many Decembers does it take to sell thirteen to Mr. Fourteen and Mr. Months? Depends on how much love you throw in for free.

With the money I spend on alcohol, I could support a family of four, assuming they are all heavy drinkers.