She’s too sexy to be a killer—but not a murderer. A woman this beautiful gets a patsy to dole out death, and that makes her a lead murder suspect.

My girlfriend bought me a collared shirt for my birthday, mainly so I don’t get too far ahead of her when she takes me for a walk.

When tragedy befalls me and someone says, “Better you than me,” I always reply, “Yes, I am better than you.

I didn’t form my lips into the shape of a kiss. I was merely about to whistle.

I want to sit on the sofa, eating potato chips, while wearing one of those vibrating ab belts and getting a workout.

He was cold and ugly, so I lent him my invisible cloak. He was grateful and said if I was ever in the area again, I should try to find him.

I poured a compass into my coffee, to give the flavor some direction.

A bird was shot. I suspect fowl play. The next man to be shot is the man who wrote that pun. Excuse me while I load my gun and shoot myself.

When I go house hunting, I use a rather large gun. You should see me fish for the best tasting Starbucks coffee. Oh, and can I borrow your plunger?

Yesterday I bought myself a karate trophy. But I feel like I won it, because the salesman really beat me up over the price.

I write like if the color yellow had legs and could run a marathon while reclining back in a comfy sofa. I want some coffee, but I’m too lazy to get off my couch and...

I went on a date last night and things went well. If you must know, I got lucky. I found a four-leaf clover.

There’s nothing I like more than rewards. Well, other than awards. I also love coffee a lot too. Being rewarded with a coffee award would be the ultimate euphoria for me.

12 million Gertrudes agree—their name isn’t Gertrude. I know, because I asked them out to coffee, and only one responded. She said yes to coffee—and no to me.

I want to roast Mr. Bean, because that’d be the funniest coffee ever. I think I’d make a great roastmaster.

If there are two witnesses to a murder, you and the guy you killed, I’d say your secret is safe. I won’t say nothing to nobody.

I have been writing for about eleven years now. I went from elfish to elephantish, and in another eleven years, I hope to be Elford.

If you love me, wait until you meet my clone!

If I’m happy, my eyes are chestnut; if I’m surprised, my eyes are hazelnut; if I’m afraid, my eyes look like they just shit themselves; and if I’m crying, my eyes get lighter and greener,...

If our destiny stems from our name, then I weep for the flower named Wilt.

Thor once took an IQ test, and he was scoring so high that the referees took away his ability to shoot three pointers.

I could tell by their audible gasps that the people on the beach were jealous of me when I found five shark’s teeth. Locating them wasn’t really the problem, but pulling them out of my...

Her shoes were so pink that if she stepped in bubblegum, nobody would be able to see. And my shoes were so brown that if I stepped in shit, you wouldn’t be able to tell...

If my chest grew cat hair, I wouldn’t know whether to pluck it or pet it.

Sometimes looking like you know is better than actually knowing. People respect you, and defer to you, yet you don’t have the burden that comes with heavy knowledge.

Webster’s—the original high definition entertainment.

I want to kidnap kids and force them to take useless tests all day long. Wait, that’s what our public education system already does.

Get me a slinky.

Water is like love, but love is not like water. No, because if it were, I’d be the camel of love.

The key to making supreme Snuggle Pudding is mixing in enough cat.

You stare down your opponent, lights twinkle, but you don’t blink. This is all you and that’s all him, and it ain’t all that much. An instant later you wake up in a hospital. Your...

My cat is a meow factory. Why can’t he manufacture something more profitable, like love?

I shaved off a few seconds from my morning routine by not shaving off my facial hair. I’m growing a handlebar mustache for charity—and for something to hang on to while I ride my unicycle.

I respect my elders, but I don’t respect the Myelders, who are my neighbors, because they are so neglectful of their lawn that it’s like they don’t even exist.

I ran across an old friend of mine yesterday, and I didn’t even attempt to hit the brakes.

Who art thou, Art? Do you make art the way I make love—with a paintbrush?

I wear gloves, because I don’t want to tease people with my naked body. I’ve got to leave something to the imagination.

I’m forced to shower in the closet, because my friend is wearing all my clothes, and he’s in the bathtub at the moment. Ah, but that’s life, no?

I had sex with a statue a few months ago. The sex was so still that I’m still wearing the condom.

I want to spend less time talking about myself, and more time listening to what other people have to say about me.

Tonight at 8:00. My bed. Bring a friend, and I’ll show you how to make a Snuggle Sandwich.

My dreams have wings. But not soaring eagle wings, more like the wings of a butterfly—colorful and easily ripped off. The last time my dreams got ripped off was when I shopped at Walmart, the...

I’ve aged more this past week than I did in all six days that preceded it. Will you still love me tomorrow, when I’m an older man?

I’m wearing shoes made of sea foam, and I am here to seduce the elderly. If you brought the geriatrics, then I brought the jellyfish.

01210 is a pyramid, & worms move like handicapped snakes. My dream belongs in a wheelchair, because I just spilled coffee all over my sleep.

A blanket could be used as a tank, if you rearrange the letters and leave out the leb. But why would you leave out the leb? That’s the most dangerous part. (The leb is the...

It’s hard to hear over the racket of gunfire. Politicians want to talk about war, but the people want to talk about peace.

No thanks. I think I’ll catch a cab.” Well, you did catch a cab, and then you caught syphilis.

A blanket could be used in surgery. But personally, I’d rather use a surgeon.

I’m asking you not to do it. Can you do that for me? Can you do not doing it?