I have studied the astrological musings of the mystics, and I can conclude one thing: of all things cosmic, bowling is the best.

This is my logo for Ora

A brick could be used as gift for the man who has everything. Here’s a tip: that man doesn’t have everything, because I just stole his wallet. But I can’t very well give him a...

Add smoke, not fire. You want to confuse your competition, not kill them.

I had a dream about you. Dinner for two turned into dinner for three when you told me you were pregnant. I was excited, but a little nervous, because we were at a fancy restaurant...

A brick could be used to silence your critics. Think of it like a really thick and unchewy piece of chewing gum.

My wife must be stupid. I mean, look, she married me, didn’t she?

I make love with my eyes closed, because I make love in my dreams. If you wanted to go for seconds, we could, because I make love buffet style.

A brick could be used as a penis enlargement aid. Just tie a string around both your penis and a brick, and drop the brick off the roof of a building. I’m not stretching the...

I like to pet trees—especially if they have furry leaves.

I had a dream about you. I thought together we could change the world, but you said you’d rather change the TV channel. But you were all talk, because you never even did that. So...

A blanket could be shared with someone cold. And if you’re sharing your blanket, they might as well share the blame in getting pregnant. It’s not like they can blame me, because I was in...

If I were an alcoholic, I’d work at a wine farm, where grape booze grows on trees, bottled and ready to chug.

I had a dream about you. You fell into my arms like a 120-pound sack of gold coins. So I did what any respectable lover would do—I buried you in the backyard so nobody could...

A brick could be used like love. But not my love, because my love is more like a blanket.

It’s spring now, and I was just thinking that I haven’t been in love since the fall. The fall of the Roman Empire.

If I were a box of cereal, I wouldn’t want to talk about myself any more than I do now. Just flip me over and read all about me if you’re curious. Everything you need...

A blanket could be used to show love, by providing warmth, comfort, and an itchiness of desire that cannot be satisfied by a single scratch.

With intellectual labor your hard work is forever, while with manual labor your hard work is temporary and soon forgotten.

Through a history book, I can time travel. Especially a history book from the future.

My ex girlfriend and I go long periods of time without speaking to each other. And in between those extended stretches, we fill the time with silence.

I am approximately 96.694444% in love with you. Of course, that’s just a rough estimate.

Due to state laws, the restaurant was nonsmoking, which as a nonsmoker pleases me, but as a Libertarian it pisses me off.

Bricks could be used to fill Fort Knox. I know, I know. You’re probably thinking, if we fill Fort Knox with bricks, where will we keep all the gold that’s kept there? I still need...

You drink wine by the glass, and I drink wine by the trashcan. Seriously, I’ll be by the trashcan if you need me.

While I was there, the song reminded me of here. But now that I’m here, the song reminds me of there. But that’s neither here nor there.

A brick could be used to let that special someone in your life know how much you love them. Instead of tossing out a careless I love you, try tossing a brick at them instead.

I want to be asexual, because then I could be more productive. But not reproductive.

Cher and share alike. At least in sound. Most of the decisions I make are sound, exactly like Beethoven when he wrote and discarded his 10th symphony.

A brick could be used as a stand in for a liar’s face. Go on, punch that liar in his face.

I have a whisper like a zipper. Your secret is safe in my pants.

One word I’d use to describe space is lonely. The only way I’ll board a space shuttle is if I had a babysitter with me. You know, to watch the baby I’ll make with her.

A brick could be used as a key to unlock a door disguised as a brick wall. The security in the lock lies not with a one-of-a-kind key, but with a key that looks like...

I want to take all the pain of humanity, ball it up into a compressed, black 16-pound sphere, add three holes in a triangular formation to it, and use it to bowl a strike.

I had a dream I took the form of Chuck Norris and kicked your ass. Then I impregnated you from across the room.

Blankets could be used to stop exponential population growth. If we kept the people warm, maybe they wouldn’t try to heat themselves up through continual fornication.

The best part about teamwork, is me collecting all the prize money. Hey, that’s what captains are for, right?

I made love with a cute woman yesterday. I would have made love with a gorgeous woman, but she was more expensive.

Politically, Republicans and Democrats are at opposite ends. One’s a burp and the other’s a fart.

Love should be unconditional, while hair should be conditioned. Air should also be conditioned, and worn in place of hairnets.

A vibrating toothbrush is one hygienic marvel of a sex toy. The next time I want to make love, I’ll make a dentist appointment.

Youth, I didn’t want that illness. Luckily I recovered just in time for middle age. Now I can focus on more important things, like love, a relationship, and my upcoming existential crisis.

I was in the shower the other day and I noticed on the back of the shampoo bottle it said, “Avoid contact with eyes. In case of eye contact, flush with water.” and I thought,...

I’m halfway to being a father. Not 4.5 months out of 9, but , of a mating ritual.

Agatha and I rode off towards the sunset together. On a unicycle. Two bodies, one wheel, one seat, one love. And tomorrow Agatha’s clone and I will ride off towards the sunrise together. On a...

You know you’ve drunk too much when you run out of booze. It’s the same with love. Also, I’m drunk.

I used to want to be a missionary, but I don’t believe that’d be the best position for me to be in.

It’s not if, but when I’ll if on you that matters. How does Tuesday at noon sound?

Today I found yet more evidence that I’m a lunatic. The proof came in a package in the mail. The sender? Myself. The evidence? Tampered with.

I know sex sells. I also know gametes are sex cells. Her and I had chemistry together, and that’s just biology.