She invited me out to dinner, and I declined saying I’m not a fan of big groups. She said it would be just us two, and I said, Like I said, I’m not a fan...

I have so many friends I couldn’t even count them on one hand—not even if I had six fingers. Now, if I had seven fingers, I could count on them, but I still wouldn’t be...

I use my windshield wipers when it’s not raining. I’m an umbrellaless pedestrian, and I can’t tell the difference between Starbucks’ coffee and a mud puddle in a cup.

When a fish kills another fish, it’s not fishing—it’s hunting. And when a woman kills a mermaid, it’s not fishing, it’s half crazy—from the waste down.

I’ve often been told I fight like a girl, probably because from the moment I whip off my bra, my opponent knows I mean business.

A writer edits his thoughts more thoroughly the more readers he has. You can tell I only have two readers, myself included.

Alcohol makes you do some crazy things, like speak openly of your love, fornicate with strangers, and occasionally commit murder. That’s why I stopped drinking. Been sober now for over three days.

Personal branding is more important today than ever. Today is today, right? If today is tomorrow, and it soon will be, then personal branding is even more important. If you haven’t started branding yourself, what...

I put the yes in eyes. Except when I blink, because that’s definitely a no action.

From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.

I am possibly the world’s greatest magician, because I don’t just vanish off stage, I vanish from your memory. I’ll bet you’re probably thinking, “I don’t remember seeing you,” or “I’ve never seen you.” And...

I don’t think any man could solve the world’s problems overnight, myself included. You’d better give me at least two days.

I love running. I’m not into marathons, but I am into avoiding problems at an accelerated rate.

Pepperonis are like edible polkadots. I made you a pizza dress, but I’m ashamed to admit I burned it. I’m afraid you’ll have to dance naked.

Abraham Lincoln wrote a poem about me once. You might know it as the Gettysburg Address. Men with beards are romantic.

He’s like my best friend. And I say that only because I have no real friends, and Cap’n is a great listener (he never interrupts when I’m talking—and I’m always the one doing all the...

It’s not polite to talk with your mouth full of food.

Know yourself better than your opponent knows you, know your opponent better than he knows himself, know yourself better than you know your opponent, and know you have all this knowledge and you will be...

To me, the perfect date consists of dinner, dancing, and sex with a girl who has no stomach or legs, but does have an overactive sex drive.

She had blonde hair like spaghetti noodles, and then she went and dyed it marinara. But I loved her like I enjoy all-you-can-eat pasta buffets.

I wrote a song called “Stinky Sodomite.” It isn’t a pop song, a historical song, or a song condemning homosexuality. Rather, it is a children’s song that teaches them how to count. In fact, the...

world’s sexiest man” if the planet were populated entirely by my clones.

My love for you is like food for a statue. My love is like anything from McDonald’s, because it will never decay and always looks brand new.

Love is like water, except it’s either fog or ice. I make love like a steamy 32 degrees.

I’m not sitting around doing nothing. I’m busy petting the cat. Why hasn’t anybody told the philosophers that this is the meaning of life?

No matter which end of a hotdog you take your first bite from, I’ll tell you you’re eating it backwards. I’m serious, I think you may be dyslexic.

I need to call it a night. But only because I don’t know what else to call it. What’s in between evening and morning?

Lecture’s over.

I am three forks away from eating all your food with two homeless guys. It’s too bad I only have a suitcase full of spoons and a bucket of soy sauce.

I enjoy the sounds of morning. My favorite is the shush of orgasm. If you tell me you love me, I might tell you the time.

I want to win an award that doesn’t exist yet. Well, I want my clone to win it, and that’s almost the same thing—and he also doesn’t exist yet, so it’s perfect.

I’m bilingual, speaking English and body language. I prefer the latter, because I can speak it silently and without listening and while my back is turned.

Only a friend or a giraffe would stick his neck out for you. But only a giraffe would eat all the leaves off your tree so he could peek in your second story bedroom window.

I’ll never be as old as someone older than me, but I can be older than them if I outlive their lifespan.

In the Tunnel of Desire, past the Tube of Destiny, lies the Turtle of Doubt. We all have to face that turtle, but only the confident ones ever find out that doubt tastes like chicken.

Oompow,” which I would translate for you but it’s devastatingly embarrassing.

I’ve been trying to start a garage band for over a decade now, but father won’t move his car.

I spent about eight hours deep in thought over whether to get divorced. That may seem like a long time to ponder something, but I multitasked and slept at the same time. I woke up...

The good news is my neighbor survived the fire. The bad news is I like my food cooked a little more thoroughly.

Falling in love too quickly spells disaster. But I’ve always lived dangerously, and I spell disaster with a Z.

It may seem like good is always reacting in response to evil, and evil always makes the first move, but if the universe is essentially good, and I believe it is, then evil can only...

Sometimes I put on a black scuba suit and go walking on the beach, to relax. If I could, I’d sleep in a scuba suit—on a waterbed. Not that I actually ever get in the...

A brick could be used as a floating object that dispensed fresh water, if only it were lighter and shaped like a cloud.

As an atheist hates Christmas, I hate the fourth of July.

Flowar,” I’d probably be a peaceful guy.

I want to create moonglasses, and then write a song called, “I Wear My Moonglasses at Noon.” Hopefully, with a little lunar luck, my track will also feature Corey Hart.

I would tell you to be quiet, but The Silence prohibits me.

I need your help. You can help me by not helping me.

My next breath may very well be in your lungs. Store it wisely, because my life depends on it.

All I could do was laugh, but it wasn’t funny. I find it incredibly sad to be tickled by an orphan.