An empty room holds nothing but memories. At least it would, if I didn’t just finish packing up the last of the sadness.

A lifestyle of deception is hard to keep up if your clones aren’t willing to participate.

Did I hear that right? Did someone say ice cream? It’s an odd thing to say in the middle of a eulogy, but hell yes, I could go for some ice cream. We could take...

I make believe like asexuals make love—alone, with cardboard tubes.

If I’m having a conversation with my clone, am I having an interior dialogue externally?

I plan on putting off death my whole life.

There are at least two sides to every issue, and I like my issues sunny side up. I also like bacon and toast on the side. Are you eating what I’m saying?

The wind held the door open for me, and I appreciated it. Who knew the breeze was such a southern gentleman?

The spirit is tied to the brain—for the brain makes us who we are. So if our spirit lives after death, so too does our intelligence and personality.

You made me dinner, so I made myself vomit—twice. Once to clear some room in my full stomach so I could eat, and the second time as an expression of what I thought about your...

sales” and it scares them. But sales is nothing more than developing a relationship. A good salesman knows the relationship must be balanced and symbiotic—both parties must feel that what they received is equal to...

Thirteen of us ate supper, and then one of us died. Unfortunately, he did not rise from the dead to pay his dinner bill. And he wasn’t the only one to skip out without paying,...

Your fork is my shovel. I eat real estate and I drink coffee.

I am a fisherman, a hunter, and a lover. A lover of men, not animals. And by men I mean women.

I was driving over the Buckman Bridge when 9/11 happened. If I’d have know my actions would directly lead to the deaths of 3,000 people, I’d have taken another bridge.

I eat a lot of raw food. Not for health reasons, but because I’m too lazy to cook.

I’m not an actor. I just play one on TV.

He was born after me, and he died before me. I gave him life, and I killed him. He was an idea, and considerably harder to stab than grandpa.

I make love like I make lasagna. I just made some, so would you like seconds?

To get faster and better service, ring a bell. It’s the same principal as honking at someone in traffic. People respond well to it, and they seem to really enjoy it.

Tomorrow I don’t have to work, which means I don’t have to get up. I could just die in my sleep and nobody would care for 48 hours.

I travel light. But not at the same speed.

My mother-in-law got so angry at me she vowed she’d never speak to me again, and I smiled and gave thanks for the little miracle God worked in my life.

I speak the language of love. I just have no idea what it means.

I haven’t personally met God yet, but when I do, I’ll ask him if he still believes in you. I’m sure he does.

I am the man of your dreams. Go back to sleep.

Competition is healthy. Especially when all your competitors are unhealthy, and hopefully sick and absent during the competition.

My love tastes like a raincloud. Best taken when suffering from desert mouth.

Don’t shave my head to make your wig of selfishness. Shave it because you care.

My ballsack drives me nuts. Jogging has got to be the floppiest sport. Definitely not for lovers. Gentlemen prefer gymnastics.

We went out to a romantic dinner, and do you know how you can just tell when it’s the perfect moment to propose? Well, it wasn’t one of those moments—at least not with her. I...

A brick could be used to win the love of a beautiful girl. The trick to getting it to work is just trying it again and again until you get the desired results.

With this guy, two words come to mind: Probable murderer. But since he was the bartender, another word comes to mind: Understandable.

I want my relationship with my girlfriend to be built on trust, not toothpicks, rubber bands, and lentil beans.

A blanket could be used to ward off warts. I tested it out last Tuesday on my Aunt Velma, and she doesn’t have a wart on her body. It’s probably true that she didn’t have...

Silence is downright noisy when you’re a loud thinker like I am. Alone and quiet, it’s like a networking event in my mind all the time.

Yesterday, plus 24 hours.

A brick could be used to keep you warm at night, in the same way that a blanket could be used to smother a lover while they sleep.

Abstain from reading comedy or other government economic statistics.

Do something productive, like painting or procrastinating or protesting—which is just a combination of the first two.

A brick could be used to increase your annual sales. But before you can sell, you’ve got to buy. For just $9.99 I’ll show you how a common brick can transform you into an uncommon...

I melted in my defeat like Victory Ice Cream. I brought along an extra spoon for you, because I’m a sharing kind of guy.

My love is like an empty bottle of wine. If you’re wondering, my ex wife drank it all.

A brick could be used to attract a potential life partner. Yes indeed, and it’s how I met my ex wife. And the only reason she didn’t become my life partner was because I outlived...

If I had a clone, I could list myself as a character reference.

I won’t clap when you die. I mean I would cheer, but applause would be inappropriate at your funeral, an event I’d miss because I’ll be celebrating.

A blanket could be used to keep me single. Not that I need any help from anybody or anything to stay single. Actually, to stay single, I need the full cooperation of the entire female...

As a lake is the reciprocal of an island, so Agatha is the soup to my spoon. She makes me feel like an apple and a doctor, keeping myself away from myself, like the yellow...

I like horse farms. I like the idea of animals growing on trees.

I love this book like I love a brick and a blanket, which could be used to teach people the value of safe sex. Remember, if you’re going to have safe sex, try not to...