I collect human skin. I keep it all on the bumper of my car.

We made love like two shy people who acted like we’ve never acted in front of a camera before. Aside from the lead actor, I was also the producer, director, cameraman, and financier.

She’s the kind of woman where if you give her an inch, she’ll take the whole penis. She took all I had, and she didn’t even take me out to coffee.

The only people who don’t need elevator pitches are elevator salesmen. I once tried to sell an elevator to a man who owned a one-story building. He didn’t buy from me, but he did sell...

I sell sex by the coffee cup. I don’t go by small, medium, or large, I go by deep, deeper, and deepest.

Love is a skeleton wrapped in a bacon blanket. It’s sizzling and hot and tasty and I’d love to have some right now with a large cup of coffee.

My asshole smells like burnt firewood, and I’ve got firemen calling me. But I won’t answer, because my answer is no, they can’t take me out on a date.

I make sleep like I make love, only with more energy and excitement.

I drink coffee the way most men tie their shoes, and I’m liable to slip on a sip if I don’t follow their lead.

I booked a table for two at a five-star restaurant. Rebecca couldn’t make it, because at the last minute I backed out of asking her.

A man with six fingers on one hand who gets his finger cutoff by the mafia probably doesn’t feel pain, fear, or anger. No, that man probably feels normal.

I make love like uh huh. Huh? Uh huh. I also make coffee, though you have to pay for that.

The only other man I’d let see my wife’s naked body is the butcher.

Two heads are better than one because the more people that get involved, the easier it is to reach an agreement. This is why committees are so efficient.

If you have Microsoft Word, you can become a writer tonight. Just start typing!

She looks so serious. Why such a stern look? Oh yeah, somebody’s just been murdered. With all my diabolical laughter, I seem to have forgotten about that.

A peaceful wave came over me, and I thought, Thank God I’m holding my breath.

I want to write an unreliable narrator. In fact, he’ll be so unreliable that I’m not even sure he’ll show up to narrate.

Incredibly, he wore an incredulous look on his face like he had no idea what she was insinuating. Did she just accuse him of murder? I hope she did, because I have no alibi, but...

I couldn’t steal an idea. Not even if my clone came up with it. But I could steal your heart—even if my clone had it stored in a cryogenic freezer.

I’ll steal bodies, not to be Corporal Corpse, but to have access to a never-ending supply of laughter still left over in their lungs.

The morning always has a way of creeping up on me and peeking in my bedroom windows. The sunrise is such a pervert.

Love is like a trapdoor for the heart .

I wish I had eyes that changed colors from blue to gray, and then after I cried, to all the colors of the rainbow, because then I’d just sit in front of the mirror writing...

The good, the bad, and the ugly basically sums up my sex life. Except that I’ve never had the good.

I love hellos that last a lifetime, and goodbyes that are invisible, inaudible, and otherwise undetectable. Tell your mom I’m waving at her.

If I knew everything, life would be lonely, as everyone else would want to explore the world, and I’d be content with a cat on my lap sitting in the dark.

I have a list of pet names for Cap’n so long that it could fill a phone book (if the phone book is for a town with a population of four). I call him Cap’n...

When describing myself, I don’t use superlatives. Just normal latives. And if I use the same word more than once to describe myself, it’s a relative. This is how I became my own father. And...

Love is something to be treated with awe. Or should it be aww? People don’t know my capacity for love. If you tried to bottle it up, I’m sure it would take at least three...

I want a 100% kind of relationship, and I’m willing to give it 50%.

All my failures as a human being I blame on my father. Life is about accepting responsibility, and it’s time my father started being held accountable for my deficiencies.

Catholic, Episcopalian, I won’t have sects with you.

Blood may be thicker than water, but it’s certainly not as thick as ketchup. Nor does it go as well with French fries.

I have family all over. And when they’re all over, I leave the house and go anywhere else.

I had a dream about you. The flowers were blooming, but our love was wilting. I tried to water our relationship, but no matter what I did, you were insistent on leaving me for a...

The chair walked in the room like any four-legged creature would, and I sat on it like a cat.

Being a parent is a gift, one which most men unselfishly allow women to keep all to themselves.

One evening we made love all morning.

Keep your wife happy by living in a slightly nicer house than your neighbor. And you can do this by living in a poorer neighborhood than you ever imagined.

An anonymous man has no power, because nobody knows who he is. But he also has all the strength, because he can attack invisibly and without being identified.

Thomas Jefferson is by far the smartest president,” said Thomas Jefferson, about Thomas Jefferson, and to Thomas Jefferson. Even though he was only the third president, he might be surprised to learn that today. I...

I’m looking for lost, but I don’t think I’ll ever find it, because the moment I do find it, it isn’t. Still, I’ll bet I find it before I find love.

I’ll trade you one dollar for five dollars. What, is my money no good here?

Is the company you keep keeping you back?

I’m 60-years-old. -Ma’am, I don’t believe it. -You’re too kind. -It’s true. You look at least 75.

I can’t afford to waste either my money or my time—but that doesn’t stop me from trying.

Normal is made up of two friends—Norm and Al. That’s twice the number of friends that I have, probably because I’m weirder than normal.

On the scale of tomato to ketchup, my girlfriend is definitely a 57.

Her clothes were half off—a sale, not a strip tease. Watching her shop was as hot as a fresh cup of coffee, and that’s why I had a wad of dollar bills.