I keep my phone on vibrate, and I keep it close to my genitals. You should call me. A lot.

I farted like a pack of crying onions. That was my response to her I love you.

I am the now of the then. My body is the embodiment of all my ancestors who came before me. They live on in me.

With my last breath, I’ll exhale my love for you. I hope it’s a cold day, so you can see what you meant to me.

There’s probably a word for that,” but there’s probably a word for that.

A brick could be locked in a safe, because nobody will try to steal it there.

My cat’s favorite chew toy is a pen. I’d wager that he is a better writer than me.

It’s better if you don’t come at all, then come and act like you don’t want to be here. The same applies to there, when I’m there, which is also confusingly here, though it’s not...

I would have fought the forest fire, but it was a dragon-breathing forest fire, and I forgot my sword, my pen, and my Geoffrey of Monmouth tunic.

Love is a circular emotion that surrounds you, like a hug. Or a noose.

Her and I, we passed each other, and now she’s in my past. That’s one present I’d like to unwrap in the future.

I don’t care who you hang out with, so long as it’s either me or my clones. See, I’m not a jealous type.

If we could all drink ourselves to innocence, I’d be guilty. And I mean that in a way that I don’t mean that.

I didn’t list listening as one of my skills, probably because I didn’t hear what the interviewer asked.

I could either buy one missile, or 88,000 cups of coffee. Both would wake me up, but the coffee would also wake up North Korea. I’ll go with the coffee.

The most deadly combination known to man is low IQ and high testosterone.

Be proud of your work week, not your weak work. Monday-Friday you can find me working out. I have the body of a fisherman.

The best way to wake up is with coffee and an erection. The cool part is one can stir the other.

The object I stabbed him with was all bloody. Fortunately for him, the blood was on the tampon before I stabbed him, and not a result of the stabbing.

When I have to be in two places at once, my mind at once decides twice which one place to be in.

One cup of coffee is all it takes to conquer the world.

Hey, neighbor, is your wife free for a date today? -No, I’m taking her out this afternoon? -Great! Then you won’t mind if I come over and mow your lawn. Sucker!

Everything I’ve learned about handshakes is from hands-on experience. Due to hygiene, I only network with rubber glove manufacturers.

I’m probably the best love you’ve never had. And why is that? Oh yeah, because I’m in a relationship with a tall cup of coffee.

Love is like a spring rain on a sunny September morning. And when I go out on dates, I bring my own jars of pickles. Women probably find it not only practical, but devastatingly sexy.

I have a lot of faith. I mean, I believe I do.

I drink coffee like I urinate—alone, or in large groups. Sometimes I wish I knew the secret handshake.

I used his severed hand as a murder weapon. I hope I didn’t get my fingerprints on his fingerprints.

The best date I’ve ever been on was March 5th, 1982, the year I was born. For as long as I live, I’ll never forget that date.

I’ve been writing for about eleven years. I went from elfish to elephantish, and in another eleven years I hope to be Levin.

She tried to kill me. The problem is she did it slowly, almost invisibly, so the whole murder would take about 50 years.

With my wedding photography business, I want repeat customers. So hooray for divorce! That’s why I take lots of pictures—of cheating spouses.

There’s nothing more important than literary merit, and that’s why I not only created an award—the Julius Caesar Author of the Year Award—but I nominated myself as the first recipient. You can’t always wait for...

An empty room holds nothing but memories. At least it would, if I didn’t just finish packing up the last of the sadness.

I want to laugh hysterically into a bucket of water, have my humor imprinted on each water molecule and then drink the funniest drink ever.

Sometimes I ask myself, “Do I have the courage to do the right thing when it matters most?” And that answer, I’m afraid, is silence.

I make believe like asexuals make love—alone, with cardboard tubes.

If I were stranded in the woods with nothing to eat but nuts, berries, and the complete works of Allen Ginsberg, I’d eat the latter first, because at least the nuts and berries might be...

Yesterday I complained of chest pains. My cat scratched my nipples.

There are at least two sides to every issue, and I like my issues sunny side up. I also like bacon and toast on the side. Are you eating what I’m saying?

All I know is I don’t know if I know, and this everlasting oscillation shakes my belief system.

I always appear smarter when I dress up in my giant nipple costume. I know this because I’ll overhear people say things like, ‘At least he’s not a complete boob.

You made me dinner, so I made myself vomit—twice. Once to clear some room in my full stomach so I could eat, and the second time as an expression of what I thought about your...

Education will only take you so far. To go even further, I’d recommend getting a piggyback ride from a midget half your body weight.

I called an insurance company to get a quote. They gave me one of Oscar Wilde’s best.

Your fork is my shovel. I eat real estate and I drink coffee.

We’re not so different, you and I. Sure, we may have different religious beliefs, political outlooks, sexual orientations, economic viewpoints, and artistic/literary/culinary tastes, but deep down we both want the same thing: To be loved...

Ever seen a cat with polka-dotted zebra fur? Come to my House of Love Open House this Friday night at 8:00 PM.

I eat a lot of raw food. Not for health reasons, but because I’m too lazy to cook.

Water is central to Jacksonville, and natives think of rivers as roads. Why, just the other day I was driving on the interstate, and I was being tailgated by a lunatic in a canoe. So...