—Benjamin R. Smith
If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.
Sleeping in a tinfoil suit keeps me warmer and helps prepare me for my voyage to the moon. Would you care for some licorice?
Beetroot Cossins had moved to Kuala Lumpur where she had died of lethargy and pie.
If you were to ask me if I have ever loved a woman, I’d probably reply, “Two gallons of milk and a midget.
I had a dream about you coming up with non sequiturs. You were a purple giraffe and I was an orange rhino. But we were eating liquid skittles.
Her protestations were drowned out by the sound of Gordon Honeycomb barfing up aftershock into the kitchenette sink.
A gumble bee is half gum ball, half bumble bee, and it’s so chewy it stings. Makes me want to be a better lover and tractor salesman.
This particular event had been somewhat more raucous than usual as Derek Jameson had just lost an arm wrestle with Ann Diamond. The match was the second semi-final of the morning after Belinda Carlisle had...
I once went to one of his Virgin Vie parties and had a really good time watching Chas having a paddy whilst trying to put on Dave’s socks, before realising that he only had two...
No thanks, I’ll just drink water.” And that’s not just a statement about table etiquette; it’s a personal quote that accurately reflects my moral and philosophical belief system.
What have you got in there you little bastard?
There was Arctic John, a businessman from Salisbury who doesn’t hold water, Bruce Knott, a social worker from Cumberland who spends his lunch hour picking his bum, and Judith Glycerine, the reformation pig.
Would you rather have sight, or insight? I’d rather have a double cheeseburger.
You little prick. It’s a whelk…it’s a…it’s a…dead whelk!
Private Benjamin lives next door but one to Bob Cryer from The Bill. I once saw him crouching down behind a sycamore tree and using his nose as an Allen Key to release a starving...
Blue love on a blue moon on Mr. Green’s greenback printing machine (the one that sounds like Weimar Germany in 1923)”, then I have given you an example of a non sequitur. But since you...
Run. Flee. Fuck off. Vanish from my presence and take the foul stench of your sordid secret with you.
Tobak Davenport, who is a cross between some Sugar Puffs and Lynn Faulds-Wood, was squatting there before being removed by the local constabulary after he went round to complain about Luther Blisset’s pet turkey fouling...
I want to buy a sports car, because I like riding bicycles. Hold on to my handlebar mustache if you value your life.
St John had always been a fan of the RS Turbo, mainly due to the colour coded rear spoiler and air vents in the bonnet, which distinguished it from the more common and less powerful...
Next door to the Bensons is Emmet Frag, a retired pacemaker who is credited with inventing the notion of happiness. He’s currently working on a method for categorising ducks based on their singing voice. He’s...
I’ll write the first sentence in English and the second sentence will be nonsense translated to Russian, to make the ultimate non sequitur.
He had also spent a day and a half without sleep trying to start an online petition to bring back the advert for Nationwide Building Society which said Dunroamin, twice, but half the through the...
A huge meringue with polio who drives everywhere in a beautifully restored Hillman Imp.
Your washing machine is my bathtub. Every time I see you my heart spins with desire. YA by nosit’ Moskvu shtany dlya vas, kak drozh’ babushki. (I’d wear Moscow as pants for you, like a...
Oh yeah, well I suddenly realises that she’d only been with my boyfriend at the Co-op Christmas do when I were eighteen. So I grabs her head and I stuck it through a display of...
Next door but one is Quinlan Broddle, a Viceroy with a fear of gardens. So much so that he sold his garden to Virgin Atlantic and his erstwhile front lawn is now a runway where...
Witty sayings don’t grow on bumpers the way babies do. I was raised by a single rush hour.
Had the facial plumage been of a paler hue it would have looked like a pile of horse crap on a winter’s day.
On the other side of St John’s house is a fake egg timer who can’t maintain an erection. He shares the property with a glossy beef burger called Tom, who has been painted by a...
A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.
Eunice had deposited St John upon the balcony of the first-floor apartment of former Liberal MP, The Rt. Hon. Leonard Cossins, the disgraced Lord Mayor of Mitchell-Baines who had been removed from office having been...
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