If women are breadwinners and men bring home the bacon, why do people complain about having no dough? I’m confused. Also hungry.

Don’t let your girlfriend cut your hair!

Look, PETA! If God hadn’t wanted us to eat animals, he wouldn’t have made them so darn tasty!

So if animals aren’t our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.

Senator John Kyle claiming that over 90 percent of what Planned Parenthood does is abortion.Stephen Colbert: Over 90 percent, that is unbelievable…in that it is not true. Only 3 percent of what Planned Parenthood does...

NC passed law against global warming science, therefore it’s not happening. So I’m ignoring Twitter’s 140-character limit, so it’s not happ

I hold a little fundraiser every day. Its called going to work.

The Crusaders lead to the Knights Templar; the Knights Templar lead to the Masons; and the Masons lead to the Shriners, a secret society that controls world government, toys with our banking system, and single-handedly...

Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt...

I am no fan of books. And chances are, if you’re reading this, you and I share a healthy skepticism about the printed word. Well, I want you to know that this is the first...

I don’t like the new president who hunts muslim extremists, I like the old president who is a muslim extremist.

Mitt Romney’s email was hacked! So if you start getting messages that sound like they’re from a bot, he’s fixed the problem.

liberating” moms by trying tomake them join the workforce. They’re already doing the job that God putthem here to do: Everything.

They say the only people who tell the truth are drunkards and children. Guess which one I am.

Isn’t an agnostic just an atheist without balls?

Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority.

I like talking about people who don’t have any power and it seems like some of the least powerful people in the United States are the migrant workers who come and do our work and...

Summer movie idea: take all the sequels that are out right now, and make movies about their backstories.

He was visited by grief,” because that’s really what it is. Grief is its own thing. It’s not like it’s in me and I’m going to deal with it. It’s a thing, and you have...

… had to pee like a racehorse at an Iced Tea convention.

Can’t wait for tomorrow when I get to exercise my patriotic duty as an American: Complaining about how long it’s taking to VOTE.

There’s nothing wrong with stretching the truth. We stretch taffy, and that just makes it more delicious.

The pistachio: it’s just like our politics. When the two sides are divided, that’s when the nuts come out.

I’m off for two weeks, so until I get back, take the characters in this tweet and parcel them out one per day. Use this Q wisely.

I may be just an empty flesh terminal reliant on technology for all my ideas, memories and relationships, but I am confident that all of that everything that makes me a unique human being is...

In America, we know to ignore artists if they’re serious in any way.

If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn’t have declared their independence from it.

Forgot to live-tweet the election last night, so I’m post-tweeting today. I’ll start as soon as my fingers unclench from their rage fists.

yes’.

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, a family is defined as two or more people living together who are related by birth, marriage or adoption. In other words, the U.S. Census Bureau is run by...

A new study shows that having a severe phobia can hasten aging. But what if my greatest fear IS aging?!?

Throughout human history, countries rise and fall. But not America–we continue to rise and rise, like dough, until Jesus bakes us in the fiery Afterscape of the Rapture.

Just because I haven’t put a lot of thought into this book doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. I warn you to read this book carefully. Savor my ideas. Memorize the pertinent passages. Eat with it, sleep...

All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It’s only the dogs who’ve accepted Christ.

My guest Newt Gingrich shut down the government during the Clinton administration. I’ll ask him when it’s gonna start working again.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he’s never on welfare in a mysterious way.

After Jesus showed up, the Old Testament basically became a way for Bible publishers to keep their word count up. Of course, just because Jesus replaces the Old Testament doesn’t mean that you should necessarily...

I love making observations. That one is a classic example.

Agnostics are just atheists without balls.

Here’s an easy way to figure out if you’re in a cult: If you’re wondering whether you’re in a cult, the answer is yes.

It’s August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate.

America used to live by the motto “Father Knows Best.” Now we’re lucky if “Father Knows He Has Children.” We’ve become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.

There’s an old saying about those who forget history. I don’t remember it, but it’s good.

The Yankees’ Facebook page was hacked. The hacker was immediately purchased and signed to a 5 year contract with the Yankees.

But here’s the biggest head-scratcher of all: Not only are atheists destroying our country, they’re completely deluding themselves. There’s simply no way to prove that there is no God. If I didn’t hate them so...

A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?

They said you can’t go to the moon. They said you can’t put cheese inside a pizza crust, but NASA did it. They had to, because the cheese kept floating off in space.

I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.

There hasn’t been a scandal this big at the C.I.A. since (CLASSIFIED) committed (CENSORED) to (REDACTED).

it’s back to school time. or as home-schoolers call it, stay-where-you-are time.