I like talking about people who don’t have any power and it seems like some of the least powerful people in the United States are the migrant workers who come and do our work and...

Summer movie idea: take all the sequels that are out right now, and make movies about their backstories.

He was visited by grief,” because that’s really what it is. Grief is its own thing. It’s not like it’s in me and I’m going to deal with it. It’s a thing, and you have...

… had to pee like a racehorse at an Iced Tea convention.

There’s nothing wrong with stretching the truth. We stretch taffy, and that just makes it more delicious.

Can’t wait for tomorrow when I get to exercise my patriotic duty as an American: Complaining about how long it’s taking to VOTE.

The pistachio: it’s just like our politics. When the two sides are divided, that’s when the nuts come out.

I’m off for two weeks, so until I get back, take the characters in this tweet and parcel them out one per day. Use this Q wisely.

If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn’t have declared their independence from it.

I may be just an empty flesh terminal reliant on technology for all my ideas, memories and relationships, but I am confident that all of that everything that makes me a unique human being is...

In America, we know to ignore artists if they’re serious in any way.

yes’.

Forgot to live-tweet the election last night, so I’m post-tweeting today. I’ll start as soon as my fingers unclench from their rage fists.

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, a family is defined as two or more people living together who are related by birth, marriage or adoption. In other words, the U.S. Census Bureau is run by...

A new study shows that having a severe phobia can hasten aging. But what if my greatest fear IS aging?!?

All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It’s only the dogs who’ve accepted Christ.

Throughout human history, countries rise and fall. But not America–we continue to rise and rise, like dough, until Jesus bakes us in the fiery Afterscape of the Rapture.

Just because I haven’t put a lot of thought into this book doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. I warn you to read this book carefully. Savor my ideas. Memorize the pertinent passages. Eat with it, sleep...

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he’s never on welfare in a mysterious way.

My guest Newt Gingrich shut down the government during the Clinton administration. I’ll ask him when it’s gonna start working again.

After Jesus showed up, the Old Testament basically became a way for Bible publishers to keep their word count up. Of course, just because Jesus replaces the Old Testament doesn’t mean that you should necessarily...

I love making observations. That one is a classic example.

Here’s an easy way to figure out if you’re in a cult: If you’re wondering whether you’re in a cult, the answer is yes.

Agnostics are just atheists without balls.

America used to live by the motto “Father Knows Best.” Now we’re lucky if “Father Knows He Has Children.” We’ve become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.

It’s August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate.

There’s an old saying about those who forget history. I don’t remember it, but it’s good.

The Yankees’ Facebook page was hacked. The hacker was immediately purchased and signed to a 5 year contract with the Yankees.

A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?

But here’s the biggest head-scratcher of all: Not only are atheists destroying our country, they’re completely deluding themselves. There’s simply no way to prove that there is no God. If I didn’t hate them so...

I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.

They said you can’t go to the moon. They said you can’t put cheese inside a pizza crust, but NASA did it. They had to, because the cheese kept floating off in space.

There hasn’t been a scandal this big at the C.I.A. since (CLASSIFIED) committed (CENSORED) to (REDACTED).

it’s back to school time. or as home-schoolers call it, stay-where-you-are time.

Women don’t want all that. Women just want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon with them while reciting Keats, and feed them organic yogurt by candlelight on a seaside cliff at...

Religion forces every individual to take responsibility. Specifically, take it away from yourself and give it to God. If we had to be accountable for every one of our actions, we’d be crippled with indecision....

So my heart goes out to them. Figuratively. I would never actually entrust my heart to scientists—they’d probably implant it in a baboon. And a baboon with my heart would be practically unstoppable. Baboon strength...

If I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait — no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return these stupid pants?!

Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.

That’s not a religion, that’s Pokemon.

Wikipedia is the first place I go when I’m looking for knowledge… or when I want to create some.

You can’t spell “parentry” without “try.” Of course, you’ll make a few mistakes. The important thing is that the mistakes you make with your kids are the same ones your parents made with you. At...

If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn’t help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we’ve got to acknowledge that He...

Who would have thought that a means of communication limited to 140 characters would ever create misunderstanding.

In God’s eyes all children are beautiful but here on earth we have higher standards.

Divorce is a marital welfare. It’s just couples asking society to bail them out because they didn’t do enough research before they got married. How is that our fault? Don’t drag down my country’s statistics...

Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor.

All weather is sin-related. Lust causes thunder, anger causes fog, and you don’t want to know what causes dew.

Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it’s 2/3 empty. There’s still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn’t drink it....

After obsessively Googling symptoms for four hours, I discovered ‘obsessively Googling symptoms’ is a symptom of hypochondria.