God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he’s never on welfare in a mysterious way.

My guest Newt Gingrich shut down the government during the Clinton administration. I’ll ask him when it’s gonna start working again.

After Jesus showed up, the Old Testament basically became a way for Bible publishers to keep their word count up. Of course, just because Jesus replaces the Old Testament doesn’t mean that you should necessarily...

I love making observations. That one is a classic example.

Here’s an easy way to figure out if you’re in a cult: If you’re wondering whether you’re in a cult, the answer is yes.

Agnostics are just atheists without balls.

America used to live by the motto “Father Knows Best.” Now we’re lucky if “Father Knows He Has Children.” We’ve become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.

It’s August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate.

There’s an old saying about those who forget history. I don’t remember it, but it’s good.

The Yankees’ Facebook page was hacked. The hacker was immediately purchased and signed to a 5 year contract with the Yankees.

A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?

But here’s the biggest head-scratcher of all: Not only are atheists destroying our country, they’re completely deluding themselves. There’s simply no way to prove that there is no God. If I didn’t hate them so...

I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.

They said you can’t go to the moon. They said you can’t put cheese inside a pizza crust, but NASA did it. They had to, because the cheese kept floating off in space.

There hasn’t been a scandal this big at the C.I.A. since (CLASSIFIED) committed (CENSORED) to (REDACTED).

it’s back to school time. or as home-schoolers call it, stay-where-you-are time.

Women don’t want all that. Women just want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon with them while reciting Keats, and feed them organic yogurt by candlelight on a seaside cliff at...

Religion forces every individual to take responsibility. Specifically, take it away from yourself and give it to God. If we had to be accountable for every one of our actions, we’d be crippled with indecision....

So my heart goes out to them. Figuratively. I would never actually entrust my heart to scientists—they’d probably implant it in a baboon. And a baboon with my heart would be practically unstoppable. Baboon strength...

If I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait — no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return these stupid pants?!

Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.

That’s not a religion, that’s Pokemon.

Wikipedia is the first place I go when I’m looking for knowledge… or when I want to create some.

You can’t spell “parentry” without “try.” Of course, you’ll make a few mistakes. The important thing is that the mistakes you make with your kids are the same ones your parents made with you. At...

If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn’t help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we’ve got to acknowledge that He...

Who would have thought that a means of communication limited to 140 characters would ever create misunderstanding.

In God’s eyes all children are beautiful but here on earth we have higher standards.

Divorce is a marital welfare. It’s just couples asking society to bail them out because they didn’t do enough research before they got married. How is that our fault? Don’t drag down my country’s statistics...

Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor.

All weather is sin-related. Lust causes thunder, anger causes fog, and you don’t want to know what causes dew.

Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it’s 2/3 empty. There’s still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn’t drink it....

After obsessively Googling symptoms for four hours, I discovered ‘obsessively Googling symptoms’ is a symptom of hypochondria.

If women are breadwinners and men bring home the bacon, why do people complain about having no dough? I’m confused. Also hungry.

Don’t let your girlfriend cut your hair!

So if animals aren’t our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.

Look, PETA! If God hadn’t wanted us to eat animals, he wouldn’t have made them so darn tasty!

Senator John Kyle claiming that over 90 percent of what Planned Parenthood does is abortion.Stephen Colbert: Over 90 percent, that is unbelievable…in that it is not true. Only 3 percent of what Planned Parenthood does...

NC passed law against global warming science, therefore it’s not happening. So I’m ignoring Twitter’s 140-character limit, so it’s not happ

I hold a little fundraiser every day. Its called going to work.

The Crusaders lead to the Knights Templar; the Knights Templar lead to the Masons; and the Masons lead to the Shriners, a secret society that controls world government, toys with our banking system, and single-handedly...

I am no fan of books. And chances are, if you’re reading this, you and I share a healthy skepticism about the printed word. Well, I want you to know that this is the first...

Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt...

I don’t like the new president who hunts muslim extremists, I like the old president who is a muslim extremist.

Mitt Romney’s email was hacked! So if you start getting messages that sound like they’re from a bot, he’s fixed the problem.

liberating” moms by trying tomake them join the workforce. They’re already doing the job that God putthem here to do: Everything.

They say the only people who tell the truth are drunkards and children. Guess which one I am.

Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority.

Isn’t an agnostic just an atheist without balls?

I like talking about people who don’t have any power and it seems like some of the least powerful people in the United States are the migrant workers who come and do our work and...

Summer movie idea: take all the sequels that are out right now, and make movies about their backstories.