In the darkened recesses of the Suburban, my opinion of the vampire rose considerably. There were far worse things than having to drink blood to survive. I could tolerate him, so long as he didn’t...

A blanket could be used to warn your enemy that you are coming—and that you are warm. Where’s the cold war when you need it?

Coffee, it’s not my cup of tea. Being in love isn’t really my cup of tea either, but when it’s steamy I’ll sip it dutifully.

You are a placebo responder. Your body plays tricks on your mind. You cannot be trusted.

Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.

Confession was the emotional equivalent to puking, Riley supposed. Something bad went down, bits of it came back up, you felt better.

Lea stood upon a fallen log ahead of us, staring ahead. Mouse walked up to her.Gggrrrr rawf arrrgggrrrrarrrr,” I said.Mouse gave me an impatient glance, and somehow–I don’t know if it was something in his...

A number of people who I’ve talked to about this assume that I got into a fight with the cops. (Because of, y’know, the militant politics.) I actually had an audience member come up to...

So, have a little fun. Soon enough you’ll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.

Should I go up one flight of stairs and then come back down, or should I go down one flight of stairs and then come back up? Same destination, same distance, same amount of work,...

Vamos a decirlo ya, chicas, todos los tios, cuando nos encontramos con una ex, pensamos en acostarnos con ella. Cuando te gusta una chica tienes que invitarla a salir, contarle mentiras de tu vida… aguantar...

We’d all like t’vote fer th’best man, but he’s never a candidate.

And forced me to kill my own brother.

I kept a straight face while my inner Neanderthal spluttered and then went on a mental rampage through a hypothetical produce section, knocking over shelves and spattering fruit everywhere in sheer frustration, screaming, ‘JUST TELL...

So confusing. It was some kind of magic, I knew that for sure, but I didn’t understand the subtleties of it all. You’d have thought all those years of HBO and shit would have prepared...

There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. ‘Tom, I’d like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.’ These days, Trajedi.

Chairs have legs. Four of them, like my father. Meow.

What goes up must come down, unless a dragon eats it.

‘Foo Kyu’ is just a very unfortunate cultural coincidence.””Just think about his poor son, ‘Foo Kyu Two.’

Very easily, Lady Difficult. I find myself quitecharming.

It’s not great when your husband thinks the only guy who can talk to you, is some other guy.

Not long ago, I advertised for perverse rules of grammar, along the lines of “Remember to never split an infinitive” and “The passive voice should never be used.” The notion of making a mistake while...

The wall of silence that exists between us is as long as the Great Wall of China. And though it’s the same length, our wall is about two bricks quieter.

You know you’ve drunk too much when you run out of booze. It’s the same with love. Also, I’m drunk.

No soy pesimista. Soy un optimista bien informado.

Darlin, you don’t even know how to pleasure yourself.

I put my heart in a paper cup, so she’d be more likely to drink it up.

Tea should be as bitter as wormwod and as sharp as a two eged swordKit Snicket (a series of unfortunate events)

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

Blankets could be used to stop exponential population growth. If we kept the people warm, maybe they wouldn’t try to heat themselves up through continual fornication.

I’m not a ref, but I assigned her the penalty of clipping, and I told her to drop the scissors and step away from the newspaper ads.

The best thing to learn from any government is that it does not get affacted by what other people talk or think about it.

If the key to life is figuring yourself out; family must be the lock.

I sell Jarod-shaped earplugs that just may plug up the hole in your heart. My earplugs are modeled after a nude Helen Keller.

That night was a dark day. Of course, all nights are dark days, because night is simply a badly lit version of day, …

Life sucks, and then you die…

I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it’s just a small step to full-blown sociopath.

Pete Rose’s last name is so sweet, he can’t be a cheater. But a cheat by any other name would smell just as sweet.

You can safely assume you’ve created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do.

I like men who have a future and women who have a past.

He gives her his Art History lecture.‘Then you get Mo-net and Ma-net, that’s a little tricky, Mo-net was the one did all the water lilies and shit, his colors were blues and greens, Ma-net was...

Fine! He is being passive aggressive with me, and it’s gonna backfire; I’m gonna be active friendly.

The middle son gets a magic donkey. When you shout the word: “Bricklebrit!”, it spews gold pieces out of…And I quote:… its front and back.Yes, folks. Thing I Love #4: the Bricklebrit Donkey. You shout...

If this had been a public-school locker room, there would have been some gray jumbo-sized garbage cans nearby, and I probably could’ve taken care of cleanup by myself. But apparently the girls of St. Andrew’s...

When I was growing up, I’d walk to school in the snow. In Florida. Uphill all three ways.

The United States was a big country where everybody wore funny t-shirts and ate too much.

The only way to behave to a woman is to make love to her if she is pretty, and to someone else if she is plain.

She hadn’t planned any of this, but her thoughts ran away with her, and she hated how pathetic she must sound. Poor little human needed the big bad angel to rescue her. Yuck.

When a child is born, I once explained to the kids, some dads lay down bottles of wine for them that will mature when they grow up into ungrateful adults. Instead, what you’re going to...

No one can be right all the time, but it helps to be right most of the time.