Jasmine believes in a prophecy that says she is destined to love a man named Josh Toby. Okay, fine. He could believe that. Hell, he had friends who believed carbohydrates were the work of the...

Treat each other like human beings? But the other great apes have no class hierarchy.

Noah shifted on the bed, and the oddest crunching sound came underneath him. I looked, really looked, at the bed for the first time.”What,” I asked slowly, as I eyed the animal crackers strewn all...

Can you drop me off at work? Just pull up to the front and pop the trunk and I’ll hop out.

Isn’t that thing a little unsanitary for the workplace?” I pointed to his lip ring.”I assure you that my lip ring is the last thing you should be worried about.” He smiled as he leaned...

I’m not blanketing the truth when I say: Give a man a brick, and he’ll fish for a day. But give a man a fish, and he’ll brick for the rest of his life.

A picture with one word on it is like a thousand-and-one-word piece of literature. At this rate, I should be done with my million-word novel in about 999 minutes.

Give up your dreams; you’ll accomplish more without sleep.

I don’t like it when I outweigh my men.

Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.

Death didn’t bother me much. Strong Christian and all that. Method of death did. Being eaten alive. One of my top three ways not to go out.

Sleep with family is a napkin (nap plus kin), and I used a napkin as a blanket.

This place reminds me of the time I had amnesia. I think. It also reminds me of being in love. That must mean I’m lost.

I don’t believe in past,I don’t believe in future,I just believe in present.

God can use the jawbone of an ass!

I want to open a broken marriage repair shop. I’m not a counselor or psychologist, but I am a fan of the magical bonding that occurs between two people when duct tape binds them together...

You can take a dog outside, but you can’t make it pee

Bricks could be used to replace stop signs. Some people won’t stop at stop signs, but everybody will stop for a brick wall.

Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try!

Apologize: To lay the foundation for a future offence.

I’d rather straighten my pubes with a flat iron than go on another blind date.

The number I had for her didn’t work. But in this depression, could you blame it?

Prayer works (unless God has a different plan for you, that is different than what you want). Pray now. It works best if God is undecided.

A football could be swapped out for a brick, to make family reunion football games more fun. But I’m calling it right now: I get to be quarterback.

It’s a long ride home with nothing but me for company. I bore myself sometimes. Not often. Just now and again.

As I don’t know french language I just kiss french girls the way French’s do❤

And that was just my hand, love.

A vagina is a door to a new world,” I thought as I grabbed the handle and gave it a turn.

I had a dream about you last night.We moved into a cabin in the countryside.I couldn’t handle the spiders.You couldn’t handle my drama.I moved back to the city.

Tarzan-like men are my weakness, apparently.

I think you’ll find that in the long run, marathons are more of a sprint. So it is with my love, and no matter how many times you flush, the water level remains constant.

I’m here to tell you, there ain’t much forgiveness in that old-time religion. That particular savior was a mean son of a bitch. If you sinned, honey, he was going to get you, no doubt...

The Argentine tango isn’t here to play nicely with the other children. The Argentine tango is here to seduce your women, spill things on your rug, and sneak out your bedroom window in the middle...

Tell me there’s a God, and I’ll believe you. But tell me you’re not in love with me, and I’ll shoot you an incredulous look. Then I’ll shoot you.

You’re so full of crap, you could pass for a toilet.

Surviving cancer is cool, but surviving old age is cooler.

One evening we made love all morning.

I stared at the phone in disbelief, then ripped a clean sheet of paper from my notebook. I scribbled ‘ Jerk ‘ on the first line. On the line beneath it I added, ‘ Smokes...

E per tutto il giorno mi riempivano la testa di stronzate che volevano farmi tenere a mente, come ad esempio le equazioni per calcolare la distanza fra il posto dove ci trovavamo e quelle in...

The only thing I have left to remember her by is the scent of her perfume. I just broke into her car and stole the bottle.

EAT SANDWICH, NOT OWN MOUTH.

And you’re blind?”Uh-huh,” Iggy said, trying to sound bored.Were you born that way?”No.”How did you become blind, uh, Jeff, is it?”Yeah, Jeff. Well, I looked directly at the sun, you know, the way they always...

I wonder what city Grover Cleveland is from. Probably Cincinnati.

…our witness, one Edward Littleton, was as gay as Elton John’s handbag.

If you’re horrible to me, I’m going to write a song about it, and you won’t like it. That’s how I operate.

Thank God for illegal products—because that’s where the largest percentages are made. Outlawing an industry immediately makes it a more profitable business to be in.

If Yo Mama and Yo Daddy got a divorce, they’d still be brother and sister.

A blanket could be used to stop a war, particularly if that war is a Cold War.

Nothing in life was ever clearly drawn, obviously just, or totally emotionally satisfying, but the moment-to-moment stuff of reality featured infinitely more complication, sleaze, struggle, true beauty, unfairness, profundity, passion, and depth of consciousness than...

There are always some lunatics about. It would be a dull world without them.