This is the funniest book I’ve ever held in my hands. –Dave Barry, Pulitzer Prize winning humorist and author says about Radical Sabbatical

From space this Earth is incandescent with abominations – the gods write their signature in our entrails

Two things that matter to me. Emotional resonance and rocket launchers.

And people think she killed him?” said Miss Tick. She sighed. “They probably think she cooked him in the oven, or something.””They never actually said,” said Tiffany. “But I think it was something like that,...

I had a dream about you. You were the lead guitarist in a band with no voice, and you were holding auditions for lead singer. Everybody in line in front of me and behind me...

A blanket could be used to aid a sinner’s nightly prayer. I’m not shaking because I’m cold—I’m trembling with trepidation over the Wrath of God.

Nothing says I love you like the gift of a half-eaten candy bar. I ate my half two weeks before I remembered to give it to her.

My life was going to flash before my eyes, but it decided to hide behind my eyes and quake with terror instead.

You’ve got to have, like, a lentil for a soul to hate wiener dogs.

You can’t has,’ he whispered softly, ‘not yours.

Her name is Brienne,” Jaime said. “Brienne, the maid of Tarth. You are still maiden, I hope?”Her broad homely face turned red. “Yes.””Oh, good,” Jaime said. “I only rescue maidens.

There’s only one way of escaping trouble; and that’s killing things.” Henry Higgins, Act V, Pygmalion

If politicians lived to be only 30-years-old before dying, that’d still be 30 years too long.

No hard feelings about that time in the Crucible when you mixed my salts and I was nearly blind for a day. No. No, really, drink up!

Barish ho gayi, meri Gari dhul gayi

I am so stupid, so easily fooled. It’s really almost funny. If I could lift a finger I would gladly kill myself.

The Beast Lord walked out of the warehouse. The screen went dark.My knight in furry armor.Saiman opened his mouth. “This is why I didn’t. Personally, I think your smile is inappropriate.

A blanket could be used to sell your winningest product to your loserest customer. Oh, loserest is a word. I know, because I just wrote it.

I don’t want to step on anybody’s toes, particularly not mine. Especially not when I am dancing alone.

It’s not cold in here, you’re just dying.

I’ts better with the right hand than with the wrong girl

I had a dream about you. You were drinking apple juice, and I was drinking horse piss, though the spectators in the stadium couldn’t tell who was drinking what, even though one million dollars for...

A blanket could be used to let the world know how serious you are. I’m serious, it could work. Try wrapping your naked body in a blanket and showing up to a job interview and...

I told the tree it was going nowhere in life. It was hurtful, but true. Now, maybe in death it will go somewhere, as furniture.

By journey’s end the brides were much better acquainted with their grooms and more or less pleased with the matches. Sybil Bingham wrote in her diary, thanking God for answering her prayer for filling “the...

I do not know if love lead to success but I know that hate dose, it is really work out .

How do you explain plastic to a medieval forest bard?

She never saw the point of making fun of strangers – how could you possibly know enough about them to hit below the belt?

A brick could be used like yellow sneezes hello every time love walks like a slinky down the stairs. Who used my shoe as a soup bowl?

A fish called Gilbert. But I just call him Gil to save some breath, so I can spend more time underwater petting him like I used to do to grandpa before he drowned.

They worried to an excessive degree about getting gender correct, as if elves gave a shit. Humans could keep their concerns about everyone’s genitalia to themselves.

The lampshade on my head is for my bright ideas. I won’t be able to convey them until Monday, when my curtain gets out of the dry cleaners.

There are certain common privileges of a writer, the benefit whereof Ihope there will be no reason to doubt; particularly, that where I am notunderstood, it shall be concluded that something very useful and profoundis...

I fell in love with a beautiful girl, got her pregnant, and then I got married. I wonder whatever happened to that beautiful girl I got pregnant.

A brick could be used to deny you your dreams. And a blanket could be used as a gateway to all your dreams.

My favorite unit of time is the hour, because I collect them and store as many as 10 new and unused ones each night to use after I’m dead. The best time to make love...

I wish I was a tree so I could reproduce asexually.

You know very well that I no longer think. I am far too intelligent for that.

That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard of. I think I would have more fun chopping thistles with a butter knife.

His clothes were clean, but his mustache was dirty. He must have used it as a brush to scrub his pants. I’ll bet his coffee tastes like freedom.

A blanket could be used to separate the winners from the losers. With the exception of me, all men are losers, and only the winners are allowed under the blanket. Sorry, fellas, but there is...

My ex girlfriend and I, we had chemistry together. And right after that, we had biology.

Well, ‘we’ are certainly happy to hear that. Oh, and I’m also happy to watch our darling little love child dragon while you’re in St. Louis.”I grinned back.

I never made one of my discoveries through the process of rational thinking

naked fun time,” which was apparently what Joseph called it. There were some things people should never know, and that was one of them.

Music is inaudible to deaf people, just as dancing is invisible to me.

Considering the number of ghastly love poems that had been written and which seemed fairly clearly a waste of everyone’s time, Jonathan couldn’t help but be surprised that coffee hadn’t been thus immortalized.

My #love stories have happy endings, because I stop the tales before dejection, dementia, and death occur.

Piece of Heaven?” “No, that other place I’m going to go to for thinking what I’m thinking.

Seine rehbraunen Augen blinkern mich verschmitzt von unten an.”Wie oft machst du es dir selbst?”Meine Güte, ist der Knabe dreist.”Stündlich, und ich denke dabei nur an dich” antworte ich wie aus der Pistole geschossen und...