It was sad music. But it waved its sadness like a battle flag. It said the universe had done all it could, but you were still alive.

A brick is a duplicate. It is a physical copy of the idea for a brick. And what’s the big idea? A brick represents unity, a notion of hey, let’s build something together. Like a...

Where does a werewolf sleep? Anywhere he wants to.

I swear, when that woman dies, she’ll be deader than everybody else.~Pattiecake from Laid Out and Candle Lit

Who wants to give me a ride to work tomorrow? My only requirement is you wear roller skates and let me strap a crate on your back like a wooden roller coaster.

A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

I made a Lindsey Sandwich out of two Jennifers and a Jessica. Then I ate it like I make love—alone, in the corner, with a box of tissues and lots of tears.

Damn it! It was a stupid plan!” Uri swung an arm around behind himself and his bag being the nearest object in reach, swung it across the room with as much force as he could...

A blanket could be hung on your living room wall, and watched instead of nightly news. Not only would it be more honest, but it also would be more entertaining and thought provoking.

Jumping Jehoshaphat. O Holy Night.

I believe you are one of the people that can lift the corners of the universe.

For others, in spite of myself, from myself.

I like rice. Rice is great if you’re hungry and want 2000 of something.

Last year, millions of students didn’t graduate from high school. They didn’t drop out, they were simply in elementary and middle schools.

Sometimes people are often confused between attitude and style. Nevermind, I’m Awesome.

I feel like, like pudding,” Iggy groaned. “Pudding with nerve endings. Pudding in great pain.

As an author I’m in my head all day and I worry that I lose touch with reality. But then my dog pees on my shoe and I know I’ve found it again.

Do you sleep naked?

Everything I’ve learned about handshakes is from hands-on experience. Due to hygiene, I only network with rubber glove manufacturers.

[Caine]”Interesting. Me, I’ve always wanted to know who my real parents were.”[Sam]”Let me guess: you’re secretly a wizard who was raised by muggles.

I am a duck. I’m cool and calm on the surface, but underneath it all is a nonstop struggle to succeed. My feet are like orange spatulas.

People need to make sure they have a good humor spark plug inside them that can be ignited at any moment when required.

A karate black belt would make a great blindfold on a kidnap victim, after you karate chop them into submission.

St. Clair clears his throat. ‘My fiancée and I are headed out for a celebratory dessert. I’d ask you all to join us, but I don’t want you there.

Now, as a non-Amish person in the twentieth century who is not a part of the aging and thus noncoveted seventy-five-plus marketing demographic that views things like cell phones and iPads with that quaint, old-people...

Love makes the world go round. Too bad love doesn’t make the world go other shapes, like tetrahedron.

They laugh at me because I’m different; I laugh at them because they’re all the same.

The wittiest authors raise the very slightest of smiles.

There is no point in poverty if it does not make a rich man, observing it, feel better.

One of the Christian’s biggest fears is appearing ‘too Christian’. God forbid, because that’s often characterized as god-awful! We want to be one, but without being ‘one of them’.

8:58 We go to McDonald’s. The woman in front of me in line spends more than five seconds contemplating her order. This infuriates me, “WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?? MC-SEABASS?? IT’S THE GODDAMN MCDONALDS’S MENU,...

Is there any point to which you would wish to draw my attention?’ ‘To the curious incident of the dog in the night-time.’ ‘The dog did nothing in the night-time.”That was the curious incident,’ remarked...

I have so many friends I couldn’t even count them on one hand—not even if I had six fingers. Now, if I had seven fingers, I could count on them, but I still wouldn’t be...

I’ll drive like my grandma. I’ll drive like your grandma.””You wouldn’t say that if you knew my gramma.

I went for a walk this morning because the evening was still asleep. Well technically so was I, but that didn’t stop me from exercising.

Furnishing was not a priority in the Citadel. Shelves, stools, tables… There was a rumor among the novices that priests towards the top of the hierarchy had golden furniture, but there was no sign of...

A brick could be used to double back, donkey levitate cough meow cough meow hiss on giraffe shaft stroke a local bloke bludgeon Armageddon—not my arm, Sorry, I think I just had a stroke.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.

…quantum mechanics—the physics of our world—requires that you hold such pedestrian complaints in abeyance.

Too many abused beers have suffered in the name of networking. Let us find a better way to mix torture and business.

It was funny how none of her classes in library science has prepared her for this sort of thing, dead bodies, staff under suspicion, crazed reporters. Really, they needed to consider expanding the curriculum.

Even though I believe birthday parties should be given, not taken, I wish someone would take all of mine and hide them on the other side of eternity.

There’s a saying that all roads lead to Ankh-Morpork, greatest of Discworld cities.At least, there’s a saying that there’s a saying that all roads lead to Ankh-Morpork.And it’s wrong. All roads lead away from Ankh-Morpork,...

A brick could be used to block out the pain, if you use it to first inflict pain and carry it through to coma.

There is nothing more tedious about interviewing politicians. It would have been better if I’d been sent to cover some crime or another. Murderers are much more real.

Err, sorry Father Abbot. I tripped y’see. Trod on my Abbot, Father Habit. Oh dear, I mean….

With any new business deal, don’t think about how much you can afford to get—think about how much you can afford to give. A spirit of giving will allow you to get.

You have a travel vibrator, so I assume you call this one your house vibrator. Store one in your dashboard for a car vibrator too? What about your desk at work? And do they each...

To me, a good friend is one who doesn’t talk, but who listens all the time. Someone who is observant. Someone who wiretaps your phone lines. I consider myself a good friend.

Ichigo: You got that? Huh?! I’m the rescuer, so you just SHUT UP!!Rukia: Wha–wha’d you say? A rescuer isn’t supposed to ignore the rescuee!Ichigo: Yeah? And what kind of rescuee complains about the rescue!? Why...