I was still alive. Ha! Take that kidnappers. Still alive. Maybe it was my butt that was feeding me. I always thought it was kind of round. I bet my body was eating up all...

John Locke invented common sense, and only Englishmen have had it ever since!

He asked me an important question, so I said nothing, but silently reached for a piece of paper and scribbled down the words: Peacocks love peach cobbler.

You and I are saying the same thing, you’re just adding an extra ‘not’ at the beginning.

I like my cakes nude, like I like wearing coats made of icing. I sweat hot coffee, so I wear cream deodorant. If you’re tired, you should lick my armpits.

Having solved all the major mathematical, physical, chemical, biological, sociological, philosophical, etymological, meteorological and psychological problems of the Universe except for his own, three times over, [Marvin] was severely stuck for something to do, and...

I’ve fallen in love with baseball.

You’re just lying in the dirt and singing. That’s weird. I thought you were supposed to be some kind of scary monster.

It’s not you, it’s me.” This line could signify rejection, or it could be something I say in the future, when I’m talking to one of my clones about another one of my clones.

They say if you’re not part of the steamroller, you’re part of the road. I say I’d rather be part of the road than the seat on the steamroller.

My writing, it’s all I have. Well, aside from my health. And shelter, food, and clothing. Oh, and my cat.

I had a dream about you. I smiled and you waved, and it’s unfortunate that neither one of these gestures was directed at each other. The person I was smiling at was the same person...

What are you about?” said the vehicle as a panel popped open to reveal delicate components. “I am not accustomed to such usage.”The little man said nothing, but began to rearrange connections and sever some...

They say the world is a stage. But obviously the play is unrehearsed and everybody is ad-libbing his lines.””Maybe that’s why it’s hard to tell if we’re living in a tragedy or a farce.””We need...

I Twitter (or Facebook) therefore I am

Then again, if your right hand did know what your left hand was doing, wouldn’t that be kind of creepy?

The Book of Us. I’m writing it. And you’re in it.

I tried telling him without telling him, through body language, and I observed he was unobservant.

What life is to humor, humor is to life.

If there’s grass on the pitch,” and gives his small cock a quick squeeze under the desk.

I can do a week in a weekend. That’s not how efficient I am, that’s how little I work.

I believe that ignorance is the root of all evil.And that no one knows the truth.

I wrote half this book (the left half) while I was asleep, and I wrote the other half (the top half) while daydreaming. So here we have a case where two halves equal one quarter,...

There are days when I don’t know how I live with myself. Those days are Sundays through Saturdays.

It’s much like piracy. You tell your enemies that if they don’t fall in line, you’ll leave them to die.

Kalist likes to listen to the collective voices swell as more individuals in his colony arrive.

but will you stay with me one more night? I’m not quite ready to let this go.

Baby, you’re so much of a woman, you turn me off when I hold you.

I’ll steal bodies, not to be Corporal Corpse, but to have access to a never-ending supply of laughter still left over in their lungs.

And all dared to brave unknown terrors, to do mighty deeds, to boldly split infinitives that no man had split before–and thus was the Empire forged.

Sustained thinking is very difficult for them.

Veeva squirmed up and down the length of me, vibrating like a coin operated motel bed. When she stopped kissing my mouth, I said, “It sounds so great, Veeva. Just you and me with our...

My hands fell asleep, so I washed them with hot coffee. Then I had donuts for breakfast, by way of spinning circles in my car and burning rubber in the parking garage of my office...

Motherhood is a constant battle of wanting to go to bed early so you can catch up on sleep and wanting to stay awake so you can enjoy some peace and sanity!

People are filing for divorce left and right. Now they’re using those lefts and rights to masturbate.

Love is a circular emotion that surrounds you, like a hug. Or a noose.

It’s not like there’s a law against flying.””Yes there is. The law of gravity.

What the fuck does he think he’s doing anyway? And when has running around in a figure eight ever helped anyone?

I want a coffee machine that runs on gasoline and drives me to work. We can make love in the backseat, next to the cream and sugar.

Nick spoke for the first time. “Can I go to the nurse’s office too?” Ms. Popplewell looked at him It obviously took her only one look to decide. “No.””I’m traumatized too,” Nick claimed, his voice...

I sped-read through a book that probably weighed a pound, though I only gleaned about nine ounces of information. That’s because it was a book on love that I read while making love. I multitask...

Find out what people want to do, then tell them to do it. They’ll think you’re a genius.

It’s because his wife left him. That’s why he’s acting funny. She left him the other night. While she was putting her bags into the taxi he was outside on the footpath begging her to...

Look at this fog. The damp gets right into your bones. It’s doing my chest no good at all. I’ll need a vapour bath.” Bryant pulled down his scarf and peered over the sodden hedge....

People tell me that Senator Edwards got picked for his good looks, his sex appeal, and his great hair. I say to them, ‘How do you think I got the job?

The Shrink always warned me that carriers stay wracked with lifelong guilt. It’s not an uplifting thing having turned lovers into monsters. We feel bad that we haven’t turned into monsters ourselves–survivor’s guilt, that’s called....

If your house was burning, what would you grab? I’d grab my penis. Repeatedly.

It was almost noon when the plane touched down at the Triad airport on the outskirts of Greensboro. There was a hire car waiting for me; I waved my notepad at the dashboard to transmit...

Instead of playing Draw Something, fucking draw something

Tatiana is a ridiculously curvy thing of dreams, with smooth succulent thighs, long strawberry blond cascading beneath a teal bandana, and a nympho sparkle in her eyes that says pick me, lick me, spank me,...