I poured a compass into my coffee, to give the flavor some direction.

The Brit’s face shares a heritage with a junkyard butt-sniffing mutt. It’s a hard-earned moonshine mug, dotted with a hairy mole that looks like a rat’s been gnawing on it. His beard looks like a...

The lot of the brideto be wed before beddesired until rotten.The lot of the authorto be read before bedadmired then forgotten.

Your words are energy. If you don’t speak them, then you will drink them. Swallow that thought, but do not gargle it.

Only a person with the true heart of a dictionary-writer would be lying in bed, three days after being stabbed in the gut, worrying about his P’s.

I’d row a gondola like a column is not a row. My coffee may be cold, but my love is warm. When are you going to wake up and drink it?

I chug coffee—for fun and for love.

Those who say that I am being punished are saying that god can’t think of anything more vengeful than cancer for a heavy smoker.

I made that up. You know Marcus. He got lost once in his own museum.

Coffee excites my mind in ways not describable my words. The closest approximation is a sperm whale in orgasm, only silent and bubblier.

For the record, I would like to point out that it is NOT being obsessive to memorize a boy’s schedule so that you can accidentally bump into him. It is called being efficient.

I won’t wear my invisible cloak.

I drink coffee the way most men tie their shoes, and I’m liable to slip on a sip if I don’t follow their lead.

Your job is to focus on my personal happiness, she said, & I’ve got big plans, so break time is over.

I love tomorrow a lot but I’m quickly reminded that today, right now, is the best chance I have to live my very best.

I am a forward thinker with nostalgia. I dream of the past, and daydream of the future.

Actually, your mama has some sense, and would say, ‘She lives twenty feet away,’ but suit yourself,” Mrs. Olivier said.

If I had a face like a clown mask, I’d be concerned people would see my face, associate me with a bank robbery, and then I’d be forced to kill them.

It’s 3:33 am as I’m writing this down on loose sheets of printer paper. I’m in the back office sitting behind the manager’s desk, just enjoying the good life. In essence, this job enables me...

Evil influence is like a nicotine patch, you cannot help but absorb what sticks to you.

She’s my best friend, and I know she means well, but as she talks I’m mentally calculating all the ways I could silence her. I’m bigger than her… I wonder if I could use my...

His name was Skip, but I didn’t. I waited patiently in line behind him. But do not be confused. I am not the kind of lover who lets other men go first.

Sometimes the only answer to death is lunch.

Whatever demon invented stiletto-heeled boots should roast in hell…

… Play the age as comedy if you want to get away with murder.

It means that you two, precious father and son, would be a pair of knaves if you had sense enough; but, failing in that, you are only a pair of fools!

Okay, seriously, I dont know if this is true or not, but I heard people who use profanity are trying to compensate for their lack of you know… size” -Tuck

I often wonder what I’m doing.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

but I have no mind for business and considered staying awake to be enough of an accomplishment.

Sometimes writing is easy. Other times it’s as hard as trying to eat a whole whale, after the whale has just eaten you.

I love you above all things, even pie.

Taste the rainbow bitch.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Perhaps the difference between a professor and a bus driver is that the professor can say stupid things with complete authority while the bus driver is not authorized to make brilliant insights.

What brought us together was a love of nature, or, more specifically, of catching things and unintentionally killing them.

Things are always funnier when you have someone to laugh with. That’s why I laugh alone, in the mirror.

Life must go on; I forget just why.

There is in every village a torch- the schoolteacher; and an extinguisher: the priest.

I always like to see people working. Makes me feel good because I’m not.

Sandwiches,’ she said, ‘like diamonds, are forever.

I could tell by their audible gasps that the people on the beach were jealous of me when I found five shark’s teeth. Locating them wasn’t really the problem, but pulling them out of my...

If I walked in on two of my clones having sex, I’d think it was gay, incestuous, and just plain rude to have not invited me.

It’s perfectly normal that extraordinary things happen to me. I’m an exceptional person. Oh, don’t think I’m boasting. I mean to say that, unfortunately, I’m exceptional and that, unfortunately, I can’t live by the rules....

[C]hildren were a much more difficult audience than adults because no on had yet had a chance to teach them that it was better to be polite than honest.

A year ago I came here without a nickle in my pocket, now, I’ve got a nickle in my pocket.

They can kill the Kennedys. Why can’t they make a cup of coffee that tastes good?

With all the money my uncle embezzled over the years, it’s no surprise he lives in a gated community. But what is amazing, however, is that he somehow managed to get his own cell.

My rules are as follows: don’t follow, unless there’s a fire. And in that case, follow from the front.

Susan had told him once that bravery was when you wanted to pee your pants, but you kept fighting