The bad news is the butcher’s dead. The good news is there’ll be no need for a funeral, and I’ve got enough meat to last for weeks.

Mother doesn’t cook, Ignatius said dogmatically, She burns.

18 rules for not getting caught. 1-17: don’t tell anybody. #18: not even your clone.

Rather than demolish an abandoned warehouse, why not just cover it with graffiti and call it art?

PIGEON MY ARSE!

Love does not cost anything. Kind words and deeds do not cost anything. The real beauty of the world is equal for everyone to see. It was given by God equally to all, without restrictions....

Two languages in one brain? No one can live at that speed!

…Though drowned was just as dead as any other way of dying.

I can’t tell you how much I love kissing ass. Especially wealthy, cellulose-stippled ass. But I’ll smile as big as a personified yellow circle and assure the hiring manager that I was born to serve....

I could be the man of your dreams. I could also be the alarm clock, stealing you away from the man of your dreams.

Right. I can see it now. Merry Christmas, everybody! And by the way, did I tell you I’m a vampire? No need to pass the gravy, just bare your neck-

Disco’s are tricky. You look a total wally if you dance too early but after one crucial song tips the disco over, you look a sad saddo if you don’t.

There comes a time in a man’s life when he hears the call of the sea. If the man has a brain in his head, he will hang up the phone immediately.

Finally- no more ruddy show for the folks back home. No pretending it’s all beer and skittles and no one ever gets hurt.- Phoenix and Ashes

As much as I want to make love to you, I’d rather make love to your clone.

Adams dealt him so sound a Compliment over his Face with his Fist, that the Blood immediately gushed out of his Nose in a Stream. The Host being unwilling to be outdone in Courtesy, especially...

For desert, maybe we can split a couple of crumbs.

it’s as if the universe has a sense of humor, since at a deep level it’s impossible not to lead a spiritual life…the universe is living through you at this moment. with or without belief...

Some people sleep their lives away. But I also want to sleep death away. If I sleep long enough, maybe death will think I’m already dead and pass me by.

[Jo to her mother] I knew there was mischief brewing. I felt it and now it’s worse than I imagined. I just wish I could marry Meg myself, and keep her safe in the family.

Love is like breakfast with Mildred. Who’s Mildred? How the heck should I know? I don’t eat breakfast.

I had a dream about you. You had just died, and I was debating putting your body into either a coffin or a shoebox. My decision was based solely on spatial concerns, so I chose...

A gun. I had been brought down by a gun. It was practically comical. Cheaters, I thought.

This is the day the Lord has made, suck it up and rejoice.

Too many men have died in the name of old age. I know, because my grandmother was one of them.

Boo: “Go talk to her.”Callum: “About what?”Boo: “Anything.”Callum: “You want me to walk up to her and say, ‘Are you a ghost?'”Boo: “I do that.”Callum: “I love it when you get it wrong.

I had a hot date last night. Things were going well so I took her back to her house, dropped her off, and went home to masturbate.

Of all the gifts you can get, friends and family are the best!

You did not just say that. I have a feeling we’re on the verge of hugging and coming up with cute nicknames for each other.

Two thousand years ago Jesus is crucified, three days later he walks out of a cave and they celebrate with chocolate bunnies and marshmallow Peeps and beautifully decorated eggs. I guess these were things Jesus...

The first rule of book club – is that nobody wants to talk about book club.

Oh, I`m sure Tristin will do it” She said casually as she hung the dress back on the hanger. I stared at her in confusion. “Surely he knows how to put a condom.” The visual...

12 million Gertrudes agree—their name isn’t Gertrude. I know, because I asked them out to coffee, and only one responded. She said yes to coffee—and no to me.

I had a dream about you. You were riding a walrus like a cowboy, and I was riding a cowboy like a cowboy. I waved at you, and you waved your lasso over your head....

I’m writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Weirdism is definitely the cornerstone of many an artist’s career.

I have the dance moves of a mustache, and a singing voice that sounds like a beard on the inside of my cheeks. Carry my love like karaoke in your pocket.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course

Back in the days when gladiators hacked away at each other, there was always the man who decided whether the defeated should live or die. The job is usually given to the Emperor in movies,...

Learn how to read by taking small sips first. Drink my watery literary nipples.

I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

Cuddling was for great aunts and teddy bears. Cuddling gave him cramp.

I’ll gyrate my hips at irate guests to generate income for the generations.

Like every other creature on the face of the earth, Godfrey was, by birthright, a stupendous badass, albeit in the somewhat narrow technical sense that he could trace his ancestry back up a long line...

You know what I like most about people? Pets.

There ain’t a man in the world cares about a woman’s past until he’s thinking of her in his future.

A short poem from my book:PerspectiveOf coursethere is a hellshe saidand it hasan observation deck;so I maystand and waveto all those kindsouls belowwho warned meI would go there.

I watch what I eat every day. I mean, who actually eats with their eyes closed?

I have an Unexplained Flying Erection. I also have a floating picture of my dead grandma. The two are unrelated. Long live the queen!

Choosing individual stocks without any idea of what you’re looking for is like running through a dynamite factory with a burning match. You may live, but you’re still an idiot.