I just want to fuck my baby! I’m your baby! Will you be my baby? Baby? Baby?” For one thing, he couldn’t decide whether he was the baby or the daddy. Make up your mind,...

In fact that is why the lives of most women are so vaguely unsatisfactory. They are always doing secondary and menial things (that do not require all their gifts and ability) for others and never...

I thought I was in love, but it was only a head cold.” (Humans)

Gallows humor is part of having a doctor in the house. Deal with it.

When in trouble or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

Try saying this: ‘What’s true for me today is that I have angry feelings concerning what I heard you say when you said what you said. It reminds me of what my mother said when...

Actually it was the mark of the stupid, which is what you get for sitting under a tree during a thunderstorm.

I had a dream about you reviewing a book on Reading Rainbow. Unlike the others, you were brutally honest in your feedback and brought Lavar and I to tears.

it was Greenspan who through some excessive deregulation prepared the monetary ground for the rise of the subprime mortgage companies: a lending market that specialises in high-risk mortgages and loans.’Innovation’, said Greenspan in April 2005,...

What if I got hit by lightning while walking with an umbrella? Ban umbrellas! Fight the menace of lightning!

Leila. Schoolgirls are like sports cars. They’re nice to look at, but they’re impractical. In the end, they don’t do what you need them to do.”I had to stifle my smile, he looked so serious....

That, they never could lay their heads upon their pillows; that, they could never tolerate the idea of their wives laying their heads upon their pillows; that, they could never endure the notion of their...

There is nothing like puking with somebody to make you into old friends.

For my birthday, a few of my wealthier friends got me a pot to piss in. Also, they were kind enough to fill it up with cat litter.

I keep my socks in a filing cabinet, if that tells you what kind of lover I am.

My name is Nicomo Cosca, famed solider of fortune, and I am here for dinner.

As my mom used to say,”If wishes were horses, we’d be up to our eyeballs in shit.

Different people have different ideas. We need to kill them—the ideas, not the people. The people we just need to torture.

A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?

My uncle missed the sixties. Not because he was too young. He just simply slept through them.

I remind you that I have no faith. If I sought God, I find myself.

Which is him?” The grammar was faulty, maybe, but we could not know, then, that it would go in a book someday.

You can’t drive them around in the getaway van.’ ‘How about we don’t call it the getaway van? People might get suspicious.’ ‘So what should we call it?’ ‘How about the van?’ ‘It doesn’t change...

Religion forces every individual to take responsibility. Specifically, take it away from yourself and give it to God. If we had to be accountable for every one of our actions, we’d be crippled with indecision....

The Guide says there is an art to flying”, said Ford, “or rather a knack. The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Help me, I can’t breathe, your ego is pushing all the air out of the room.

Many great people had been considered to be boring, like Nigel Mansell, but anyone who had read the racing driver’s autobiography, “Clutch Down, Dick Out”, would know that perception was way off the mark.

Wit is educated insolence.

Love is the gap between the blackness and the emptiness. Of course, there are also times when love isn’t so cheery and gets really dark and lonely.

I always carry around a spade, because I never know when I’ll have to dig my own grave—slowly. Give me coffee or give me death. Or sleep.

The world is my canvas, and my ponytail is my paintbrush. Helen Keller probably had a ponytail too, though my art has more vision. Barely.

At least you died and went to heaven

Sometimes I lie awake at night and I ask, “Why me?”, then a voice answers “Nothing personal, your name just happened to come up.

I believe it was Shakespeare, or possibly Howard Cosell, who first observed that marriage is very much like a birthday candle, in that ‘the flames of passion burn brightest when the wick of intimacy is...

Ow! My brains!

As an artist, I’m aspiring for a Triple George—being compared to George Orwell, George Carlin, and Curious George.

Don’t let your teeth make you lose respect by permanently keeping them opened for the sake of being friendly.

There are times when looking on the bright side takes a lot ot work. I’m taking a break from it tonight. I’ll be back at it tomorrow.

OCD, ADHD—pretty sure if they come up with some new acronym tomorrow I’d have it.

I hope I never smell the smell of apples again!” said Fili. “My tub was full of ut. To smell apples everlastingly when you can scarcely move and are cold and sick with hunger is...

I go to sleep in my business suit, because it makes my dreams of success seem more real.

Just relax and breathe through your ass.

I wonder if you can refuse to inherit the world.

If I were king, I wouldn’t pay you the money I owe you. I’d give you a far more valuable gift: the gift of life—your own. Yes, you’d get to keep it!

Stomp stomp. Whirr. Pleased to be of service.Shut up.Thank you.Stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp. Whirr. Thank you for making a simple door very happy.Hope your diodes rot.Thank you. Have a nice day.Stomp stomp stomp stomp....

I had a dream about you. We were debating the nature of love, and you said it was invisible, and I said it was the color of gold. You accused me of being a banker,...

An honest politician is an oxymoron.

Calvin: As you can see, I have memorized this utterly useless piece of information long enough to pass a test question. I now intend to forget it forever. You’ve taught me nothing except how to...

I got you a birthday present. The box is the exact same size as a coffin.

A crime scene is a silent witness that speaks louder and clearer than any human. Just ask Helen Keller.