I’ve eaten cat food before. Of course, the menu listed it as “Chicken Lo Mein.

We got into an argument over the color of love. I said it was pink, and he said it was red. So you see, I had no other choice but to stab him.

I wish somebody would have told my grandpa about the Cold War, so he could have at least put on a jacket.

Of course, now I had the problem of communicating what I needed. Marlen was still beating on the door, and Dimitri would be up in a couple of minutes. I glared at the human, hoping...

And stop talking in that puffed-up way they taught you. Words aren’t brains, you know.

I’d like to see you try that in five inch heels!

Social progress: for the same price as last year, I get a slimmer candy bar, less chips per bag, and I have to walk a little further to work, because to spend the same amount...

I wasn’t around when Kennedy got shot. Not being born yet is a pretty good alibi. Still, if the cops ask where I was, tell them I was with you.

Accepting your help, I’m not doing it for me—I’m doing it for you. You need to help me more than I need your help, so I’ll help both of us win and take, take, take.

All the world is queer save thee and me, and even thou art a little queer.

Now, public libraries are most admirable institutions, but they have one irritating custom. They want their books back.

I wouldn’t be comfortable, but at least I’d have marginal protection against pointy steel objects that went stab in the night.

I have seen what comes of being patient,” Amanda said with a boding look. “And I have no opinion of it.””What does come of it?” Inquired Sir Gareth.”Nothing!

I believe in true love. But my opinion is tainted, because I also believe in Bigfoot, aliens, and in the existence of honest politicians.

I’m not famous, but some people know me by name. Other people know me by number. That number is four.

I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’ll use it.

You can spread jelly on the peanut butter but you can’t spread peanut butter on the jelly.

The human body is the best work of art.

Menus are sexist. I prefer the term womenu.

The closer we are to danger, the farther we are from harm.[Pippin, The Two Towers]

I don’t give a hoot about owls. I only care about love, and other winged objects that aren’t wise.

Crushed again!

Dolphins and sharks are natural enemies. Dolphins are like, “Quit eating us,” and sharks are like, “Stop smiling all the time, you morons.

Why, that’s adorable!

Nobody peels a banana before stabbing themselves with it. But that’s exactly how I love—dangerously.

[The building] had been designed by an architect, so it bore little resemblance to any normal structure.

Allegedly, allegedly I say, the R.G.A. were extremely miffed of portrait painted of their monarch, King Tingaling XX, by Master. Portrait apparently, as it’s yet t’be unveiled, depicts King Tingaling XX in rather compromisin’ position...

Am I still married to a cat? (Adrian)

I applied for the University of Life. Didn’t get the grades.

How am I supposed to believe you when you’re obviously carrying a fake monogram Gucci Bag?

Fenworth nodded. “Yes, yes. Urgent, deadly, insidious. The world is in peril and we must rise against evil.” The old wizard released the general and patted him on the shoulder. “Tea and cake first, don’t...

…God created the world in six days. On the seventh day, he rested. On the eighth day, he started getting complaints. And it hasn’t stopped since.

I have a responsibility as a human being to care for animals—including politicians.

I’d like to thank my parents for making this night possible. And my children for making it necessary.

Please go to this pizzeria. Order the margherita pizza with double mozzarella. If you do not eat this pizza when you are in Naples, please lie to me and tell me that you did.

I’m telling you, you really should stick to mating within your species, whatever that is.”I would,’ I said, ‘but unfortunately, there are no gorgeous, all-powerful, all-knowing gods around here. I’d even settle for a demigod....

It may be escapist, but if I have a choice between watching the news or reading a book which gets me to see the world through different eyes, I will always choose the latter!

Si immagini, dice quello della sicurezza, di andare a raccontare a una passeggera all’arrivo che il suo bagaglio è rimasto sulla East Coast per via di un dildo. E certe volte capita con i passeggeri...

In politics, I don’t know which came first, the rubber chicken policies, or the eggheadedness.

Pearl JAM! Pearl JAM! Now this is rock and roll! Jeremy’s SPO-ken! But he’s still al-LIIIIIVE!

That’s the scary thing about hope,” she said. “If you let it go too long it turns into faith.

Douglas’s fridge was a stainless-steel masterpiece. I’m not that into appliances or anything, but this one was nice and probably cost more than my last apartment. I had the strange desire to hug it every...

Most Wanted.” It’s good to be desired. I’d be honored to be shot at for a large reward, or a small cup of coffee.

I’m not a very good sleeper. But you know what? I’m willing to put in a few extra hours every day to get better. That’s just the kind of hard worker I am.

I like when wind works. But in this depression, does anything work? If it’s not unemployed, it’s broken. When I hear the politicians talk, all I hear is them breaking wind through their mouths.

At least wait until you’re alone before you kiss her, if you please! Remember, her family is watching you, and we haven’t had our dinner yet!

I glance down his body. He’s still wearing his shorts and his shirt, and I still have my T-shirt on. Jeez– talk about wham, bam, thank you ma’am.

Does it not occur to people that I might be artificial by nature?

Once the bar gets set too high, simply lower it so you can keep on hitting your goals. You could get a lot more chin-ups done this way.

In high school I barely made the rodeo team. But I wasn’t good enough to start, so I just rode the bench.