Politics are like shoes. On one side you have the left, and on the other side you have the right. And every politician is essentially a shoe salesman trying to sell you one shoe, either...

Hermes smiled. “I knew a boy once … oh, younger than you by far. A mere baby, really.”Here we go again, George said. Always talking about himself.Quiet! Martha snapped. Do you want to get set...

Word of advice – never ask a terrorist the question ‘What would you do for a Klondike bar?’.

Run mad as often as you chuse, but do not faint.

Humor is tragedy plus time.

As a storyteller, I appreciate a great tale. As a cat lover, I appreciate a great tail.

Congress needs to act now. Seriously, leave Washington DC, move to Hollywood, and leave the rest of the country alone.

If possible, try to avoid pushing each other over the edge, as that would cause me extra paperwork.

Love is like a plant. We give it attention, it grows. We ignore it, it dies.

A Touch of Gray,” because I’d look more distinguished with a touch of gray in my hair. Also, geriatrics make better lovers.

If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.

Last month she’d read that a man’s connective tissue aligned horizontally with the skin, whereas a female’s went perpendicular—which was why women got lumpy cellulite and men didn’t. And doesn’t that totally prove that God...

Don’t try to pull the wool over my eyes. You can’t fool an old sheep like me. To prove it, I’ll tell you that I’ve been continuously voting for the same person for president for...

But if you don’t remember me, that means I can reuse all my old jokes…!

How ghastly for her, people actually thinking, with their brains, and right next door. Oh, the travesty of it all.

(Golden Globe acceptance speech in the style of Jane Austen’s letters):”Four A.M. Having just returned from an evening at the Golden Spheres, which despite the inconveniences of heat, noise and overcrowding, was not without its...

Environmentalists generally object to battery-powered devices and for good reason: batteries require mined minerals, employ manufacturing processes that leak toxins into local ecosystems and leave behind an even-worse trail of side effects upon disposal. Though...

Webster’s—the original high definition entertainment.

Awesome is a substance I sell in times of peace. And despair. It’s slippery and smells like freedom, so do not attempt to apply it anally. That advice is mostly directed at politicians.

Apparently, dancing for him and throwing herself at him weren’t enough. Apparently, she had to nearly commit murder to arouse him enough to attack her.

Sip tea and coffee with those who say you can, politely stuff with cookies any who say you cannot. Because the stuff they are feeding you, be it the latter,looks strangely a bit like the...

I don’t care what is written about me so long as it isn’t true.

Now Darkstripe,’ Graypaw hissed to Firepaw under his breath, ‘is neither young, nor pretty.

Bricks are independent but can work well with other, tough to crack, fiercely loyal and put in the right spot will hold anything and everything that you’ve ever held dear with the greatest of ease.

Some dogs look like giant mustaches. I shaved mine off because it was barking too much. My love life has improved by leaps and meows.

A twirling flower turns each petal into a fan blade. Who knew a symbol of love could be so breezy?

While Maddox now believed the demon did not want to hurt Ashlyn, he wasn’t willing to take a chance. He would talk about flowers and moonbeams – he cringed – if it meant maintaining this...

The downside of my celebrity is that I cannot go anywhere in the world without being recognized. It is not enough for me to wear dark sunglasses and a wig. The wheelchair gives me away.

McGough: I’m sorry. I’m afraid I’ve caught poetry. Mr Bones: Oh really? Well, don’t worry, sir – I used to suffer from short stories.McGough: Really? When?Mr Bones: Oh, once upon a time …

Ah, so that’s what silence looks like, huh?”

While McMurphy laughs. Rocking farther and farther backward against the cabin top,spreading his laugh across the water. Laughing at the girl,at the guys, at George,at me sucking my bleeding thumb, at the captain back at...

It was generally agreed that a coffin-size studio on Avenue D was preferable to living in one of the boroughs. Moving from one Brooklyn or Staten Island neighborhood to another was fine, but unless you...

The best place to store your weapons safely is in your enemy’s hands. It is in your best interest to be defenseless while your rulers have all the weapons. After all, the government knows what’s...

You’re tough when you need to be, and you can charm the pants off men who have three times your experience. Well, yes. Although I try not to take advantage of that too often. Very...

Of all the crap, crap, crappy nights I’ve ever had in the whole of my crap life. On a scale of one to 10, we’re talking…a minus 6. And it’s not like I even have...

To me, chocolate was the sole reason we on this earth.

Let’s be romantic and dance in the rain. I’ll prove my feelings for you by bringing an umbrella, because I’m a bring my own garden kind of lover.

Rich children are always blond, Jocelyn goes. It has to do with vitamins.

My wife was saying to me just the other day how she’s noticed a spring in my step lately. That was because I thought you were gone forever.’ ‘I missed you too, Thurid.

I am two lucky guys.

Billy Pilgrim had a theory about diaries.Women were more likely than men to think that their lives had sufficient meaning to require recording on a daily basis. It was not for the most part a...

Oh, what a lovely owl!” Cried the Wart.But when he went up to it and held out his hand, the owl grew half as tall again, stood up as stiff as a poker, closed its...

Renton looks at her and sees her pain and anger. It cuts himup. It confuses him. Kelly has a great sense of humour. What’s wrong with her? The knee–jerkthought: Wrong time of the’ month is...

From my earliest years I had always wanted to be a writer. It was not that I had any particular message for humanity. I am still plugging away and not the ghost of one so...

Last year I built a Courage Machine, but I thought it might be noisy and was too afraid to turn it on. So I coated it with glue, covered it with cat hair, mounted it...

He wouldn’t even understand dry wit if you dropped him off in the desert with a canteen full of sand and a Sandberg poem.

A brick could be used to show you how much I love you. Well, maybe not a whole brick, but certainly a half a brick would be an accurate measure for the amount of love...

Also unfortunately, Congress is far too busy asking if baseball players are really as strong as they seem and trying to choke bankers with wads of cash to grant more funds to such trifling matters...

Death’s got an Invisibility Cloak?” Harry interrupted again.”So he can sneak up on people,” said Ron. “Sometimes he gets bored of running at them, flapping his arms and shrieking…

Lord Emsworth belonged to the people-like-to-be-left-alone-to-amuse-themselves-when-they-come-to-a-place school of hosts