Awesome is a substance I sell in times of peace. And despair. It’s slippery and smells like freedom, so do not attempt to apply it anally. That advice is mostly directed at politicians.

If Fran Lebowitz and Ian Fleming had blessed the world with a love child it would have been author J. Fields Jr.

Never memorize something that you can look up.

Texting depersonalizes communication, rendering human interaction one dimensional. But there are downsides to texting too.

Now Darkstripe,’ Graypaw hissed to Firepaw under his breath, ‘is neither young, nor pretty.

Rob turned the rustling pages and grinned.’Ach, she’s writ here: “Oh, the dear Feegles ha’ turned up again,”‘ he said. This met with general applause.’Ach, what a kind girl she is tae write that,’ said...

If you say ‘we’re in this together,’ I’m going to hurl.

A twirling flower turns each petal into a fan blade. Who knew a symbol of love could be so breezy?

The common man prays, ‘I want a cookie right now!’ And God responds, ‘If you’d listen to what I say, tomorrow it will bring you 100 cookies.

To die famous is the goal of the immortal. To die young is the goal of the healthy. To die memorably is the goal of the survivor.

Once you’ve played a real video game about war, you don’t understand how people can play video games about video games about war.

Ah, so that’s what silence looks like, huh?”

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Why did Mother ask you to help me rescue Gelsi?” I asked Leif.”She thought I could assist you in some way. Instead, I had tried to-“”Kill me? You can join the ‘I Want to Kill...

The best place to store your weapons safely is in your enemy’s hands. It is in your best interest to be defenseless while your rulers have all the weapons. After all, the government knows what’s...

I turned on Fox News and jumped when I saw that they had one of those things in their studio. “Are you people crazy?” I screamed at the television. “Get out of there. Somebody shoot...

PLATITUDE, n. The fundamental element and special glory of popular literature. A thought that snores in words that smoke. The wisdom of a million fools in the diction of a dullard. A fossil sentiment in...

I can pass any polygraph, as long as it’s cut up into small enough bites.

Let’s be romantic and dance in the rain. I’ll prove my feelings for you by bringing an umbrella, because I’m a bring my own garden kind of lover.

Why do you work so hard to make yourself disliked? I should think you’d find it happens enough on its own without putting yourself to any extra trouble.

Latin is already a dead language, man… don’t make it any deader.

I am two lucky guys.

We men are fascinated by the things we don’t really understand. It gives us something to think and talk about: like females, they drive us nuts.

I’m a Christian first, and a mean-spirited, bigoted conservative second, and don’t you ever forget it. You know who else was kind of “divisive” in terms of challenging the status quo and the powers-that-be of...

The Norman conquest forever changed English from a mix of bad German and bad Latin, to a mix of bad German, bad Latin, and bad German-Latin.

Cats gravitate to kitchens like rocks gravitate to gravity.

You’re not leaving me behind. Or I’ll do a spell to make you smell like ass. Forever.

He wouldn’t even understand dry wit if you dropped him off in the desert with a canteen full of sand and a Sandberg poem.

A blanket can be a meditation device. If the blanket is white, and you stare at it, you can blank out your mind and find peace within yourself.

One of these days, I would doubt the Gardeners a little too much and Zach was going to play handball with my head.

Scarface’ is a redundancy.

Great,’ I said. ‘Visit exotic Australia. Get bitten by an exotic snake. Die exotically.

It begins in the heart…and it hurts when it’s true.It only hurts because it’s true.

I’m picketing pickpockets, because I hate politicians.

Hmm…now that I think about it, housecats are often coddled and petted. You don’t pet me nearly enough. You must be a lax owner. How selfish of you to deprive your cat of attention.

At my place I can really tell when winter has come.. It’s when sunlight is pathetically crawling in my courtyard, incapable of reaching my window anymore.

Am I the only person who thinks the theory of solipsism is totally stupid?

Wizards don’t believe in gods. They didn’t deny their existence, of course. They just didn’t believe. It was nothing personal; they weren’t actually rude about it. Gods were a visible part of narrativium that made...

I am the son and the heir of a shyness that is criminally vulgar.

Is talking to your clone like talking to yourself, talking to someone else, both, or in the middle?

Not an hors d’oeuvre. The dessert. And I plan to spoil my appetite.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

I have sex,” Grace shrugged.I meant with a man,” Claudia said dryly.Now why would I ruin something so good by inviting a man along?” Grace asked.

Smartass Disciple: Three years! I’ve listened you preaching just for this silly truth?Master of Stupidity: Who said I was preaching? Who said anything about the truth?

My life needs editing.

Just because I have two ears doesn’t mean I can listen to two people at once. Or one politician promising two opposable things.

Who, last time I’d checked, was still on our official archenemy list. (Yes, we have to keep a list. It’s kind of sad.)

Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them.

Always write your signature move in disappearing ink.

you are what you wear