I stared. “Canadian Satanists? You’re sending me to a group of Canadian Satanists?

My cat is ignorant of the law. But then so am I. That means I am not his master, because we are both slaves.

A WOMAN’S PLACE IS IN THE HOUSE…AND THE SENATE.

Sometimes I wish I were someone else. Times like those I borrow somebody else’s nametag. I make love like Todd. At least Today I do.

There’s nothing I like more than rewards. Well, other than awards. I also love coffee a lot too. Being rewarded with a coffee award would be the ultimate euphoria for me.

Remember how before, I was talking about Dungeons and Dragons?Vividly, Jace said. It was a dark time.

Is he about to kiss me? Did he eat garlic too or was I the only one? ‘Cause if Ric didn’t eat garlic then my breath’s gonna stink and he’ll think… Oh for fuck sake,...

I am the Today Monster, and I’m hungry for yesterday. And I’m thirsty for coffee, which is like drinking tomorrow.

Stupidity is much the same all the world over. A stupid person’s notions and feelings may confidently be inferred from those which prevail in the circle by which the person is surrounded. Not so with...

I could open my mail, but isn’t the mystery more fun? So you see, I’m not disorganized after all. I’m a romantic.

He was a six and a half foot scowl.(on Rachmaninov)

It’s a strange feeling. Everywhere I go, I’m the first. Step outside the rover? First guy ever to be there! Climb a hill? First guy to climb that hill! Kick a rock? That rock hadn’t...

I must have cried myself out. The tears stopped falling and I breathed in through my nose. I stood up and looked down at my baby sister lying there. I kissed my fingertips and touched...

No idea how you figured out the riddle, but you scooped the first prize. Congratulations. You’ve just won a vacation to a big, relaxing place called a grave.

Oh, and by the way, he runs like a gazelle with an espresso addiction.” At least not in the parts I’d skimmed.

A few years back, an American Jewish feminist academic sent me a request for an interview… The professor presented herself as a `gender scholar`, another postmodernist discipline that fails to inspire my intellect. However, I...

Don’t lift my words without permission. It might lead to a hernia.

Sir,” returned Mrs. Sparsit, ” I cannot say that i have heard him precisely snore, and therefore must not make that statement. But on winter evenings, when he has fallen asleep at his table, I...

The arrival of a good clown exercises a more beneficial influence upon the health of a town than twenty asses laden with drugs.

I don’t do relationships because I don’t want to love and lose myself.

So if there is something on the planet that is worth living for, I’d better not miss it, because once you’re dead, it’s too late for regrets, and if you die by mistake, that is...

…I guess I can put two and two together.””Sometimes the answer’s four,” I said, “and sometimes it’s twenty-two…

I’m an open book—an open book I’m still writing and editing. My book is a romance novel, sort of like The Secret.

This was a vagrant of sixty-five, who was going to prison for not playing the flute; or, in other words, for begging in the streets, and doing noting for his livelihood. In the next cell,...

Hardly had the light been extinguished, when a peculiar trembling beganto affect the netting under which the three children lay.It consisted of a multitude of dull scratches which produced a metallicsound, as if claws and...

Be proud of your work week, not your weak work. Monday-Friday you can find me working out. I have the body of a fisherman.

Right, the part where Moira is doomed to burn in hell. I almost forgot.Go ahead,” Darren encouraged.

The best way to deal with tiredness is to sleep it off.

Enjoy a life of poverty. Become a poet.

Murder has made you practically one of the family.

To the attention of the New Fiddleham Police Department: You’ve got my middle-C, and I would like it back….Please return Jackaby’s tuning fork. He’s getting even more obnoxious than usual.

Lots of stores have self-checkout lanes now. That’s clever. They get us to buy their goods—and do their work too. Instead of paying cashiers to check us out, it’s like they’ve enticed us to pay...

They say laughter is the best medicine, and I agree. Plus, it’s free, has no bad side effects and is available to EVERYONE.

Writers were a strange sort; I knew that much from the newspapers.

Would you have references?””I’m awfully sorry but I haven’t. I just arrived in New York, and don’t know a soul. Except you.” I smiled but she didn’t smile back. She stood hesitating, and I said,...

Don’t you have a house to blow down?

The most diplomatic statement you can use for the person you hate:”If I would have water, and you would be on fire,…I would drink IT.

Losing your mind is preferable to losing your woman, because if you lose your woman you will also lose your mind, and then you’re left with nothing.

You have to watch your language. People will think you have no fucking class

I am Ebenezer Snooze, and I am frugal with my sleep. I buy warm coffee cold, so I can get a discount.

I want to open up a School of Cannibalism. It’ll be a feeder school for top law schools.

I think I’ve discovered the secret of life — you just hang around until you get used to it.

My cat mocks me frequently. It’s the universe’s way of keeping me from getting too big of an ego.

All writers should be put in a box and thrown in the sea.

We have to be back in three hours,” Ronan said. “I just fed Chainsaw but she’ll need it again.””This,” Gansey replied “is precisely why I didn’t want to have a baby with you.

I fell in love with a raincoat. Well, at first. Then later I fell in love with the woman wearing it.

I’m as deadly as a marine, when compared to marine plant life. It took lots of water, sunlight, and standing still to get this badass.

Identify your Radar – it’s your brain functioning optimally; not a vague intuition or cosmic sixth sense.Train your Radar in key areas like: evaluating people, personal safety, healthy relationships, physical and mental well-being, money and...

Don’t be an artist. Be somebody’s artist.

Her killer wrote a note on that stationary.””A note.” Now Renquist’s eyebrows lifted. “Well. That was rather arrogant of him, wasn’t it?