Secret 0.59179. When an asset quits, make sure to collect their cover docs, commo hardware, and any countries they were running for you.

When I die cremate me so I can finally fit into something small.

Now she sat in their dining hall, a book in her lap but unread while she stared blankly across the room.Bercelak’s kin kept themselves busy by sharpening weapons, reading, talking, or setting things on fire...

You forget, darling.I am the local psychopath.

A recent police study found that you’re much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

I have 26 silly faces, each represents a different letter of the alphabet. So while you think I am grimacing over what you are talking about, I am really spelling out I love you.

…all members of Congress should be required wear NASCAR uniforms. You know, the kind with the patches? That way we’d know who is sponsoring each of them. I think he was kidding; they’d never be...

Scaling doesn’t scale.

Just the way it never rains when you have an umbrella, you’ll never run into people if you look fantastic. But go outside in pajamas, and you’ll run into every ex you have.

When I see a beautiful woman, my heart doesn’t go “Thump, thump.” It goes “Hush, hush.” I’m very secretive about my feelings.

Another relative?” Valek asked.A broad smile stretched Moon Man’s lips. “Yes. I am her mother’s uncle’s wife’sthird cousin.”–Valek and Moon Man

A brick could be broken—shattered—and then given as a gift, a jigsaw puzzle.

My name is Hope Happy, and I am a pessimist.

No brain at all, some of them [people], only grey fluff that’s blown into their heads by mistake, and they don’t Think.

The problem with the Peter Principle is that it assumes somebody somewhere is competent in the first place.

So I suggest you stick close, pay attention, and avoid breaking the Terrorverse’s only commandment: Thou shall not be stupid.

I couldn’t steal an idea. Not even if my clone came up with it. But I could steal your heart—even if my clone had it stored in a cryogenic freezer.

Sherry Carroll is a real life Penny Lane and one wonders if she hasn’t got Cameron Crowe or Lester Bangs hidden somewhere in her suburban basement.

I don’t own a cat. My cat owns a human.

There are four quarters in a football game. That’s natural, because that’s 100%. I’m a 75% kind of fan, because I’m all about the quarterback.

All the kids from daycare are in dreamland.The froggie has made his last leap.Hell no you can’t go to the bathroom.You know where you can go?The f**k to sleep.

Actors are so fortunate. They can choose whether they will appear in tragedy or in comedy, whether they will suffer or make merry, laugh or shed tears. But in real life it is different. Most...

Whenever Elliot Norther’s wife was nervous she baked. With the murder of Harriet Mason, her husband’s close colleague at the Faculty, she had been unable to resist a couple of Victoria sponges. During the frenzied...

She made my heart melt, so I replaced it with a new candle. Love is illuminating.

Wisdom of the Ages “Assault and Battery” Weather forecast for the St. Louis Rams next Sunday in Seattle.

Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it’s trying to save its body.

Politics.

This is why it is important never to pick or smell flowers, and to always wear headgear when admiring them.

Motivational Secret of the Week: You are not a statistic. You are a datum used in the calculation of a statistic.

I could end the deficit in five minutes. You just pass a law that says that anytime there is a deficit of more than 3% of GDP all sitting members of congress are ineligible for...

I believe that because I had obtained a wife who was made up of wife-signs (beauty, charm, softness, perfume, cookery) I had found love.

Disappointment came to me,and booted me,and bruised and hurt me,but that’s how people grow up.

Think of me as an impetuous Hegel, drunk with power, and also, regular drunk.

We have a love so pure that it makes snow seem yellow. (Don’t eat it!)

Lowkey punchdrunk off this Sangria-sweet love and all it’s prodigious trappings…

Secret 7591037. Anything they can do to you, they can do for you; and anything they can do for you, they can do to you.

I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper.

We’re distant cousins. He’s my first cousin, but he’s 5,000 miles away. And he doesn’t talk much.

It’s so shameful of me: I like you.

High School: Oh, man. This is where boys and girls go from tweens to teens and become complicated and cruel. Girls play sick mind games; boys try to pull each other’s penises off and throw...

All men are created Equal. Some just have more Splenda.

Wes sat in a cracked vinyl booth picking at his fries and listening to Amanda go on and on about the dress she’d found. ‘…and it has these little lavender bows. Oh, Wes, I can’t...

What exactly did having needs mean, while he was on the subject? That Delaney needed to have sex? that she craved an orgasm? And if that were the case, why couldn’t she just take care...

It’s kind of interesting you’re driving a car big enough for a wolfhound and a mastiff to get in the back of today,” I said.”And a greyhound, a dark brown bear, and a brindle utility...

I’m the oldest of twelve brothers. However, the other eleven are yet to be born.

Why don’t you find out for yourself?Then you’ll see the glass, hidden in the grass.

This [discovery of a cell-free yeast extract] will make him famous, even though he has no talent for chemistry.{Comment on German scientist Eduard Buchner who later ironically won a Nobel Prize in Chemistry for this...

Love is, or you isn’t.

Thank God (my wife) and I were both born poorso the concept of fidelity was allowed to take root in us.

Don’t show me the before and after. Show me the before before and after after.