Some folks say that you can’t get rid of a problem until you shuck it. So, brother, let’s start shucking.

The poor things keep calling in those – those pumbles, I think they’re called – you know, the ones who mend pipes and things – “”Plumbers?”” – exactly, yes, but of course they’re flummoxed.

I decided to masturbate with shampoo instead of conditioner today. Because yolo. Things Jesus never said.

The TSA confused a bottle of perfume with a hand grenade. Talk about an embarrassing mistake – everybody knows perfume is far more lethal.

I’m a student of life. My own. So I’m also my own teacher.

I’ve spent half my life searching for the truth. The left half of my life.

I spread eggshells all over my room, so anyone who tries to get close when I sleep will know what they’re walking on

If we are saved by grace alone, this salvation is a constant source of amazed delight. Nothing is mundane or matter-of-fact about our lives. It is a miracle we are Christians, and the gospel, which...

I love having to attend the one class that is being taught by a professor who feels that their class is the only class being taught at the University and gives nothing but busy work.

I needed to take her to a concert, or maybe invite her out to go stencil street art in the middle of the night. Except I hadn’t done that since middle school. And I’m not...

Be levelheaded, that your head be not leveled.

Love is the throbbing that keeps you awake at night. Or is that simply from taking too much Viagra?

I had a dream about you. I told you I wanted to start running, so you bought me some horseshoes and a saddle. Well, the saddle was more for you. I wish people would stop...

When it comes to exacting revenge, it gets harder and harder to top yourself each successive time

Isn’t it strange that I know you’d risk your life to save mine, but I don’t even know what your favorite color is?

Look!” said Foaly, pointing with some urgency into the vast steel-gray gloom, “Someone who cares!

She told me to draw the curtains shut, so I grabbed my pencil and began to sketch.

When preserving for posterity, use ¾ cup of sugar for each cup of item preserved, seal tightly, and store in a dry, dark place.

Life doesn’t make any sense, and we all pretend it does. Comedy’s job is to point out that it doesn’t make sense, and that it doesn’t make much difference anyway.

People used to tell me that when I smile I really warm up the room. Well, the moment someone told me about global warming I frowned, and in that exact moment it started to snow....

You’re not shooting the cat. It would leave a mess.

Quand celui à qui l’on parle ne comprend pas et celui qui parle ne se comprend pas, c’est de la métaphysiqueWhen he to whom a person speaks does not understand, and he who speaks does...

[Artemis] returned to the aft bay for Mulch’s version of a briefing. The dwarf had drawn a crude diagram on a backlit wall panel. In fairness, there were more artistic chimpanzees. And less pungent ones....

Making art can be a mystical, spiritual experience. Sort of like golfing on water, which I haven’t done, because I’m more Michael Phelps and less Michael Phelps.

Coffee has a way of falling into my cup the way love does not. I’m so tired of being a lone sip when I should be a chug.

Lord of the Muck.

Four flips the gun in this hand, presses the barrel to Peter’s forehead, and clicks a bullet into place. Peter freezes with his lips parted, the yawn dead in his mouth. “Wake. Up,” Four snaps....

Heaven knows where I’ll end up – it’s a safe bet I’ll never be at the top of anything! Nor do I particularly care to be.

Pardon me Mam,I’m new in town, could you please show me the way to your house?

Helloooo? I just made some changes in my life, and if I don’t get back to you as soon as possible, then guess what? You were one of those changes.

maybe somebody finally shot the dog.

I tried not to laugh. I thought about how my Southern Baptist friends would respond to the suggestion that their entire denomination was making people gay.

We who think we are about to die will laugh at anything.

Lingerer, my brain is on fire with impatience; and you tarry so long!

When your past shows up to haunt you, make sure it comes after supper so it doesn’t ruin your whole day.

To not wear anything, and to wear nothing, are not the same.

We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe 25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in seconds...

I am human and I need to be loved,just like everybody else does.

An Assassin, a real Assassin, had to look like one – black clothes, hood, boots, and all. If they could wear any clothes, any disguise, then what could anyone do but spend all day in...

A blanket could be used to stop gun violence. Make sleep, not war.

I had a dream about you. You started following me on Twitter, and then you started following me around town. I wouldn’t mind so much of you would start throwing your hashtags away, rather than...

Dog spelled backwards is God. NOC spelled backwards is NOC.

I had a dream about you. It was New Year’s Eve. I remember because we celebrated my birthday on March 5th. You gave me a gift, and we argued over whether it was late or...

Not entirely fair?” His voice became that of the inferno: a rushing, booming howl of icy evil that flew around the great cavern, as swift and cold as the Wendigo on skates. “I am Satan,...

She wore so much thick white makeup in order to conceal her naturally rosy complexion that if she turned around suddenly her face would probably end up on the back of her head.

A blanket could be used to improve the quality of your trumpet playing. Wrap the blanket tightly around and in the horn section before you start blowing, and my ears will thank you.

I had a dream about you. You were learning to compose music like Mozart, and I was learning to listen like Beethoven. He was deaf, and you were blind to the fact that you had...

Never tell a warm-up joke before giving an intelligence briefing – just start the briefing so you can get straight to the really big laughs.

A tongue, if used the wrong way, can cause serious injury or even death. Politicians are famous for misusing their tongues this way. However, tongues can also be cleansing agents, making the most of a...

…the Puritans compressed whatever mirth and public joy they deemed allowable to human infirmity; thereby so far dispelling the customary cloud, that, for the space of a single holiday, they appeared scarcely more grave than...