I’ve always felt I deserved a wider audience, so thank you for reading this.

You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn’t that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena.

I don’t think we are cut out to be evil sorcerers, brothers,” said Fentongoose. “If we were truly evil, we would not feel such sorrow at the deaths of our friends. We would just go,...

A brick could be covered in black fur, cradled, pet, and called Mr. Fizzlebush. The best part is that since it’ll sit still and silent on the bed, it won’t meow or run away when...

Hooray! I finally finished making a new book cover. Now I just need to write the book. The cover is the image of a man hanging, so perhaps I’ll write a romance novel.

How well I know you by your deeds and how invariably you succeed in living down to what one expects of you!

Lauren realizes right then that the prospect of being single—of recent events leading to a divorce and her being a single mother with child support checks and the like—scares her to death. Dating itself is...

Through a history book, I can time travel. Especially a history book from the future.

Seaworthy.

The back door popped open, and Claire, fairy wings all a-flutter, pulled Miranda inside. It was like a military operation, only with one hundred percent less camouflage.

Bricks could be used to stock vending machines. You may be out of a home, but I’ll never be out of bricks to sell you.

I rolled up to his house, rolled up my sleeves, ate a Fruit Roll-Up, and left. Ah, but that’s life, no?

Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks.

You’re a monster.Thanks. Does this mean I get a raise?No, just a medal. The budget isn’t inexhaustable.

She was a pretty good lover. Too bad she wasn’t pretty and good.

I always cheer up immensely if an attack is particularly wounding because I think, well, if they attack one personally, it means they have not a single political argument left.

You’re funny.’ Phoebe passed me the last chocolate cupcake. ‘And I always thought your friends were laughing over their own farts.”Ninety percent of Eastwood’s male population laughs over their own farts. Present company excluded, naturally.

Angels are good not simply because they see bad as bad, but also because they see bad as corny.

He died a suspicious death. But only because he was a politician, and everything he did was suspicious.

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.

My father always said that government is like watching another man piss in your boot. Someone feels better but it certainly isn’t you.

For your learning disability pleasure, I’ll be playing a song backwards.

In the cramped confines of the toilet I had trouble getting out of my wet trousers, which clung to my legs like a drowning man. The new ones were quite complicated too in that they...

A Man who has never lied to a woman has no respect for her feeling.

A blanket could be used to alert your guest when he’s overstayed his welcome. But what’s even more effective would be a flying brick at his forehead. Subtlety can be a bit soft, and can...

The Little Drummer Boy” was playing in the background for what seemed like the third time in a row. I fought off an urge to beat that Little Drummer Boy seneless with his own drumsticks.

Making love to a person in their sleep is the only guarantee they’ll wake up with a smile on their face.

Nobody with any real sense of humor *can* write a love story. . . . Shakespeare is the exception that proves the rule. (90-91)

The Sweater Song.” Cats find that song very cleansing.

No one believes you’re serious until bodies start to fall. -Vlad

There’s a friendly tie of some sort between music and eating.

A blanket could be used to say I’m sorry without using words, gestures, body language, facial expressions, or telepathy. I’ve always thought it was better to show than tell anyway, so I hope you can...

No sex?” He looked at me in disbelief. “Well if you can’t have ze sex, what can you do?”For the sake of simplicity I took my left arm and lined it up just under my...

ARMOR, n. The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is a blacksmith.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what’s for lunch.

Lord Varyls, I am growing strangely fond of you. I may kill you yet, but I think I’d feel sad about it.

I died. I died and someone made a clerical error and I am in Heaven.

Stars in the night,’ he said. ‘Something something something something, some delight

A brick could be used to back the dollar. Hey, it’s better than the dollar being backed by nothing, right?

I’d rather ride a unicorn than a unicycle. But my enemies, they could all ride a unicycle with a horn instead of a seat.

Ocean, n. A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man — who has no gills.

Che cazzo… -mormora Gesù. – Che ne è stato di ? Ogni volta che Dio ripensa alla meravigliosa semplicità di quella frase, il Suo unico e originale comandamento, gli subentra in automatico un altro pensiero:...

I am going to think of you every time I don’t have sex. So that’ll mean I’ll always be thinking of you.

A succubus on the set. Strike that, the health-conscious kid sister made it two… succubuses. Succubusees? Succubi? Stupid Latin correspondence course.

If you don’t make enemies, you’re just not trying.

A blanket could be made of tuna fish skin, which would go well with my cottage cheese thighs.

When you take advice from a cat, there are always consequences.

People have told me ‘Betty, Facebook is a great way to keep in touch with old friends…’.. At my age, if I wanted to keep in touch with old friends, I’d need a Ouija board

Imogene Duckworthy did not like pigs. She was fairly fond of cattle, having grown up surrounded by them. She hadn’t been around pigs much. In fact, this was the first time she’d ever driven toward...

I like sex. Let’s get a group together. You know, for a better discount.