Meteorites don’t fall on the Earth. They fall on the Sun and the Earth gets in the way.” – John W. Campbell

Our first point of discussion is the hunt. (…) My idea is to start the film with an image of the vixen locked out of her lair which has been plugged up. Her terror as...

And just so you know for the future, I like my double-chocolate chipcookies warm and soft in the middle . . . and without magnets glued to them.

I think now is the best time to be in love. No other time in history is more perfect than right now. Especially since I’m currently drinking coffee.

He who hesitates is a damned fool.

A classroom . People trying to stick me in classrooms was becoming as predictable and annoying as people trying to kill me, but with less-fun results.

Humanity’s a nice place to visit, but you wouldn’t want to live there.

From that original colony sprang seven names that still feature on the landscape: Roanoke (which has the distinction of being the first Indian word borrowed by English settlers), Cape Fear, Cape Hatteras, the Chowan and...

If you were anyone else, your nuts would be taking a long vacation, and the destination would be out of your mouth

I have never read The Joy of Crap. Sounds disgusting. I have, however, read The Joy of Sex. Not in a while, but I think it’s one of those classics you can come back to...

Writer’s block, I just drove around it four times. All my favorite writers live there.

Don’t think you’re some kind of snowflake, suit guy. I’m a bitch to everyone.

I’ll tear down the wall between us—and tear down the walls of your life.” Then you might try offering him a cheese sandwich.

That’s Third Thoughts for you. When a huge rock is going to land on your head, they’re the thoughts that think: Is that an igneous rock, such as granite, or is it sandstone?

Frederick left the young couple gazing into each other’s eyes. Revolting, the way otherwise sensible people could carry on, he decided. Something to do with being married, no doubt. Perhaps it damaged the brain.

Superfluous is just too super. I feel like the word needs something extra, like a cape.

It is one of those lessons that every child should learn: Don’t play with fire, sharp objects, or ancient artifacts.

Coffee is the only brown liquid I’d drink out of a toilet. Well, almost the only one, as I’d drink number two for the number one in my life.

I’d never met coffee that wasn’t wonderful. It was just a matter of how wonderful it was.

A brick could be used as a Sexual Orientation Device. But I don’t need it, because I know my sexual orientation—north!

Of all the forces in the universe, the hardest to overcome is the force of habit.

And so the dentist says ‘Rinse.’ So you lean over, and you’re lookin’ at this miniature toilet bowl.

She was a handsome woman of forty-five and would remain so for many years.

Because being assaulted with maxi pads is a great way to win friends and influence people.

I wear glasses. They improve my hearing, Helen Keller style. And I sip coffee like a mute orator on a meteor. Drink up the deafness.

People are like pickles- some are sour, some are sweet, and some leave a bad taste in your mouth.

A blanket could be used to keep your body warm. After all, your body starts cooling off rapidly once you die. But don’t worry, I’ll bury you someplace quiet, someplace sacred, someplace so secret the...

It struck Mort with sudden, terrible poignancy that Death must be the loneliest creature in the universe. In the great party of Creation, he was always in the kitchen.

Fate has a twisted sense of humor.

Nipples—men have them, but don’t need them. Men—women have them, but don’t need them. Women—I don’t have them, but I need them. All of them.

Dear, ye do have a problem.

If you have Microsoft Word, you can become a writer tonight. Just start typing!

Jestli jsou oči zrcadlem duše, pak je Edward v maléru, protože nikdo není doma.

I found this, though,” Gazzy said excitedly, holding up a small green box. “Gas-X! Like, ‘X’ for explosion! This is great! I’m thinking I rig this with a detonator and-“”Did you find that in the...

I nipped little kisses along his jawline. God, I just couldn’t keep my hands or lips off of him. “God, you are the most delicious thing I have ever tasted.”He laughed. “That’s something the vampire...

I love that there’s no cutoff where we get labeled and sent off to a home for hopeless, cranky, depressives. Every day is a new chance to listen longer and be braver and love more....

I wanted to sip my daily Starbucks coffee as I got to work early (no later than 11:00 am), have a late lunch (1:00-4:00), and work late (5:01) every day (except Thursdays and Fridays). I...

I mean, really. Who sends their kid to boarding school? It’s so Hogwarts. Only mine doesn’t have cute boy wizards or magic candy or flying lessons.

I had a dream about you. You made the coffee and I made love to your sister. Everybody agrees: we need more cream.

She’s an absolute idiot!” she added with the wisdom invariably shown by people who, not being in love themselves, feel that a clever man should only be unhappy about a person who is worth his...

A blanket could be used to warn your enemy that you are coming—and that you are warm. Where’s the cold war when you need it?

We got the spell exactly right. Except for the ingredients. And most of the poetry. And it probably wasn’t the right time. And Gytha took most of it home for the cat, which couldn’t of...

You are a placebo responder. Your body plays tricks on your mind. You cannot be trusted.

In hospitality, people vacation where you live. And so when I stay home from work it’s like a double vacation.

People, heed my warning: That stuff is Specials Olympics in a pint glass. You think they are harmless and not very strong, and the next thing you know it is an hour later and you...

When a writer has deep thoughts, I expect him to also have a deep voice. And if he doesn’t, he should remain silent and let his writer’s voice do all the speaking for him.

In the Rainbow Jungles of Ever there lives what I affectionately call, killer ducks.

So, have a little fun. Soon enough you’ll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.

Smartass Disciple: Master, I want to eradicate all corruptions in this world.Master of Stupidity: Let it be a bit! Otherwise you’ll make us jobless for good.

Vamos a decirlo ya, chicas, todos los tios, cuando nos encontramos con una ex, pensamos en acostarnos con ella. Cuando te gusta una chica tienes que invitarla a salir, contarle mentiras de tu vida… aguantar...