I shook my head. “I’m good, Nicky helped.”Nicky looked at Edward. “She’s having one of those what-if-killing-feels-really-good, doesn’t-that-make-me-a-bad-person moments.” Edward nodded as if that made perfect sense. “Then it feels good. We can’t really control...

So this is it,” said Arthur, “We are going to die.””Yes,” said Ford, “except… no! Wait a minute!” He suddenly lunged across the chamber at something behind Arthur’s line of vision. “What’s this switch?” he...

From there to here, from here to there, funny things are everywhere!

Holy crap!” Xavier blurted

Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.

People can only grow, stagnate, or regress. Which one are you doing? I’m both growing and stagnating, because I’m learning every day, so I’m growing, but since learning has become a habit and I do...

Babies don’t come with instruction booklets. You’d learn the same way we all do — you’d read up on dinosaurs, you’d Google backhoes and skidders. And you don’t need a penis to go buy a...

Are you French?’ I asked instead.’Oui!’Foreign. Foreign spy. French Communist Party acted on Stalin’s instructions during part of World War II. French Communist spy.Stop it stop it stop itI turned to Art, a black kid...

moo” into a glass of water, hoping to change the structure of each water molecule into the shape of a cow. I felt like drinking a steak.

[Rayleen talking to Billy.] “Grace is thriving here, and I dare anybody to challenge that. Anybody who has a problem with that can come take it up with me.””Thank God,” Billy said, “because I really...

yes,” and only recently did I learn it’s spelled o-​u-​i and not w-​e-​e.

I showed my concern by showing her my penis. Was that not appropriate behavior at a funeral? What better way to display a lifetime of love that’s been zipped away from the eyes of world?

Damas y caballeros. Me temo que lo que voy a decir arruinará su apetito, pero la verdad es siempre bella, y debo declarar que: ¡las empanadas de la Sra. Lovett están hechas nada menos que...

Good days are ahead of me. But so is the worst day of my life—my last day. I need a cup of coffee large enough to take a bath in.

I was naked, except for two shower caps on my feet. Gotta save water somehow.

I think hiccup cures were really invented for the amusement of the patient’s friends.

I cannot bear to associate with the ordinary run of people. I have to surround myself with individuals who for the most part are more than a trifle insane

To begin perfect happiness at the respective ages of twenty-six and eighteen, is to do pretty well; and professing myself moreover convinced, that the General’s unjust interference, so far from being really injurious to their...

I care. They bother me. And that’s why I’m stupid. That makes me exponentially more stupid than stupid. I’m stupid to the power of stupid.

The only moral it is possible to draw from this story is that one should never throw the Q letter into a privet bush, but unfortunately there are times when it is unavoidable.

We made love like Mondays on the moon at noon. I was her Neil Armstrong, and she was my midnight.

But Calvin is no kind and loving god! He’s one of the old gods! He demands sacrifice!

Uh, wait an hour?

I had a dream about you. Aside from you, The Carpenter was also there. I was a cross between a hammer and a nail, and I was looking for a way to build myself up....

Uh, maybe I could just get myself, you know, privately…?” I suggested. I regretted it immediately, and felt my faceflush with warmth. What the hell was I going to do? Ask Lonif he had any...

Finally Marcus stepped forward. “If you insist on going through me to get him, it’s your call. But I warn you, I will probably cry when you hurt me, and you’ll fell bad about it...

I asked for a small drink, but he didn’t ask me what cup size. What, will a small not fit in a large?

To Kalist, Baumauer’s just a timber bridge in need of a good hot fire.

I can count all the lovers I’ve had on one hand…if I’m holding a calculator.

I am a man of action, like a statue of a guy running. In business, when a salesman and a customer race each other, both win.

Yo Mama’s so fat her butt cheeks have different area codes.

I hate the smell of success, because most of the time it smells like sweat. Maybe that’s why I’m poor, because every pore on my body is dry.

The party was dry, she was wet, and the sky was in the middle (cloudy, but no rain). Love was in the air, and that’s why I brought an umbrella.

You need a father figure in your life.

Never more than once.

Love is a lot like bowling, I thought as I drove by a boarded up and abandoned bowling alley. Like the economy, I’ve made a full recovery since we broke up.

But had I accepted the pickle juice, I would be drinking pickle juice right now.

Zoo: An excellent lace to study the habits of human beings

The best way to get America back to work, and reduce our deficit, is hire all the photographers in the country, position them on street corners, and have them take pictures of all the license...

This was the move that was supposed to sweep me away. She seemed a little out of practice. I guess life with Charley Royce hadn’t exactly been the third reel of The English Patient. It...

I can’t go on, I’ll go on.

I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend.

Selbst wenn der Kahn sinken sollte, ich würde Karsten nicht in den Fluten ersaufen lassen wie Rose, diese selbstsüchtige Schlampe, die noch mehr als genug Platz hatte auf ihrer Scheißtür, oder was auch immer das...

In other words – and this is the rock-solid principle on which the whole of the Corporation’s Galaxywide success is founded – their fundamental design flaws are completely hidden by their superficial design flaws.

My favorite flower is the tulip. I’m crazy like Holland about them. I’ll even pay as much as $1,637 for one.

Sometimes your own tongue can make you deaf and dumb.

I never asked my mother where babies came from but I remember clearly the day she volunteered the information….my mother called me to set the table for dinner. She sat me down in the kitchen,...

I have a meeting with McConnell and Baroja tomorrow at ten A.M. to review some procedures,” he said. Now, that was the J.B. I knew. Never mind the demon attack; procedures needed reviewing.

I was raised right — I talk about people behind their backs. It’s called manners.

I can’t remember what I said to her, and she can’t remember what she heard. I must have said I love you.