Black graffiti on a black helicopter.

Don’t talk to me.””Why not?””Because I want to fix that in my memory for ever. Draco Malfoy, the amazing bouncing ferret…

I’ll start a threesome factory that also makes sex trees. How else am I supposed to grow coffee?

Renee was beautiful, but she was my friend now. On the other hand, Annette was my friend, but now she was beautiful. makes about as much sense as anything ever does with girls

My birthday is on a holiday. I just have to wait until I die and they commemorate me.

Most guys confuse lust and love. I am in sex with you.

Life is like a box of chocolates.

Sometimes you remind me a lot of James. He called it my ‘furry little problem’ in company. Many people were under the impression that I owned a badly behaved rabbit.

There’s urine on the couch, and the remote control is in the shower.” I would write it myself, but I’ve never been very good at writing love ballads.

We need to remember what’s important in life: friends, waffles, work. Or waffles, friends, work. Doesn’t matter, but work is third.

I always keep a Ziploc bag in my pocket, and wherever I go I fill up my bag with dirt, because my goal is to be the largest land holder in the world by the...

It’s my job as best friend to make sure he’s not a serial killer. Or an English major, not sure which one’s worse.

Due to unfavorable weather (or, rather, favorable), we couldn’t make love in the rain. So instead we had sex in the shower, despite grandpa taking a bath in it.

Be afraid of nothing but be aware of everything.

Ooh, you look much tastier than Crabbe and Goyle, Harry” said Hermione, before catching sight of Ron’s raised eyebrows, blushing slightly and saying “oh you know what I mean – Goyle’s Potion looked like bogies.

Before grabbing a mythological creature, I’d recommend putting on oven mitts. Especially if you pick up a Phoenix.

Clap your hands, stomp your feet, praise the Lord, we got some heat!

I want certain conversations to come equipped with antilock brakes, especially if I’m talking to a real airbag.

Instead of hopping around like a wild in’jun on fire, try counting from 10 backwards while hopping on one foot”.

I may not be a Love Machine, but I would like to have sex on a conveyer belt and be more productive with my reproduction.

This is the fast lane, folks…and some of us like it here.

I hate when I’m at the grocery store and the person checking me out asks, “Paper or plastic?” It’s offensive. As if I’m going to sleep with her just because she has a clever pick...

Was she on some sort of Candid Camera version of This is Your Sucky Love Life?

My ex-girlfriend was exquisite, while my current girlfriend is merely quisite. The ex always makes the past seem more excellent than the present.

You know you are a human when a beautiful image appearing on television/computer/smartphone/tab screen appears more alive than a living being.Basically, we are stupid.

After all the shit that went down with Calease, I hate sleeping the way some people hate airplanes. Or small, dark spaces. Or spiders. Or being on an airplane in a small, dark space filled...

When it comes to Jews, you have a two-thousand-year memory, but when it comes to us Palestinians, you have a sixty-year amnesia.

Wild!” Ron said, twiddling the replay knob on the side. “I can make that old bloke down there pick his nose again… and again… and again…

Have you ever been at a point that you don’t know what to say? But yet you came up with this crazy idea to type this.

We did sometimes play jokes on each other. It was fun, until about a month ago when he attacked me with nerf guns when I walked in the door. I slipped while running away and...

I Think, Therefore I Am … I Think …

I have lightning and wind powers,” Jason reminded him. “Piper can turn beautiful and charm people into giving her BMWs. You’re no more a freak than we are. And, hey, maybe you can fly, too....

The words I love you, as a unit, are like a knife that only stings once you remove the blade from the relationship.

Sin said, “Lust was never satisfied. She was the largest of the three, and had the loudest, most unforgiving cry. When I tried to give her breast milk, Lust wanted more food in addition, so...

Yeah you can have a word,” said Harry savagely. “Good-bye.

I think all toys should be invisible. Not only would they improve children’s imaginations, but they’d also be really affordable. In fact, every toy would be free.

Pizza tastes as good as being skinny feels.

Hardly anybody tells the truth these days. For the truth I have to go to Washington DC, and whatever a politician says, interpolate the opposite.

He’d changed since the last summer. Instead of Bermuda shorts and a T-shirt, he wore a button-down shirt, khaki pants, and leather loafers. His sandy hair, which used to be so unruly, was now clipped...

Do that again and you’lllose that which you believe makes me whole.

My new story collection won’t please everyone, nor was it meant to. Then again, not everybody lives in my world. If they did, I’d have to move out and find another world to write about.

Santa was dead, to begin with. There was no doubt whatsoever about that. The after-action report was signed by the field commander, the director of operations, the secretary of the Office of Sidhe Affairs, and...

In golf, you don’t beat the other golfers—you beat your self-doubt. That’s why I don’t play, because I can’t beat anyone—not even myself.

You should eat a waffle! You can’t be sad if you eat a waffle!

If I saw a hitchhiker wearing a tie-dyed shirt, I’d assume he’s been waiting for a ride since the 1960s. I think that kind of patience is groovy.

Whatever the unknown in Europe, it had to be better than the known in a small town, where truth was hidden behind smiles, pleasantries, and an abundance of stretch lace at weddings. Whatever, the yet-to-be-written...

Trust me, Annwyl, that will be a pleasure.

It’s a stream of senses and thoughts that happen during sleep. But that’s not important right now.”

Really, I’m trying to care, Artemis, really. But I thought it was all supposed to be over when the fat lady sings. Well, she’s singing, but it doesn’t appear to be over

If love were a variety of dog, I’d want mine hot. I’d take my love with ketchup and mustard.