That does not qualify you as a chemist.

Make time to make love. Then, after you’ve finished making love, make some coffee while I just lie in bed and quiver.

Like most humans, I am hungry…our three basic needs, for food and security and love, are so mixed and mingled and entwined that we cannot straightly think of one without the others. So it happens...

CASSIO: Dost thou hear, my honest friend?CLOWN: No, I hear not your honest friend, I hear you.CASSIO: Prithee, keep up thy quillets.

manhole cover” is.

The key to Lincoln’s famous employment of humor is not that he failed to appreciate the tragic aspects of human existence, but rather that he felt these with such keeness that some relief was required.

I’m a fake fact factory. The things I make are the things I make up. Also, as a side business, I make love. Actually, I just made that up.

Anywhere you are standing right now is like no where else on earth. So look at the cars, the trees, the buildings and soak it all in.

Humor is what happens when we’re told the truth quicker and more directly than we’re used to.

I was a lazy reader as a kid. One nutrition label on a box of Cap’n Crunch and I’d have to take a nap.

Chocolate is God’s apology for brocolli

I met a girl today, and she wants to go out tonight. I’m like, What’s the rush? I’m thirty years old, and fate has made me wait three decades to meet you, so what’s another...

I wanted to observe how a genuine people person, who happens to also be a salesman, handles himself in the presence of a stranger. And few people are stranger than me, so I was paying...

…it’s just another one of those things I don’t understand: everyone impresses upon you how unique you are, encouraging you to cultivate your individuality while at the same time trying to squish you and everyone...

It’s possible to be flippant here, when Jihadists fly aircraft into buildings they shout God is Great, what do atheists shout when they do it?

We pretend to catch and eat more pretend bugs than could ever actually live in one cave. The number of pretend bugs we pretend to catch and eat would in reality basically fill a cave...

On Wall Street, the lawyers play the same role as medics in war: They come in after the shooting is over to clean up the mess.

We were all so young that there were no lines on our faces to read between.

At the end of a miserable day, instead of grieving my virtual nothing, I can always look at my loaded wastepaper basket and tell myself that if I failed, at least I took a few...

Standing at a urinal, I hold my penis like a cold beer. You look thirsty and sober, so can I get something to drink? You’re expression, is it dehydration—or is it love?

I know you’re the only pistol champion we have, but I’d rather they no see enough of you to hit. You’re also the only wife I have…””You’re so sweet.'”…at the moment.

Flies travel like they’re named. Humans should be called Walks.

She was murdered by rebels.’ He took in her unconcealed look of shock. ‘So there you go. Something for you to celebrate.’ Magnus turned away from her, ready to find solace in his chambers, but...

Cheers to 1812.” He lifted his empty bottle.The whole room whooped and raised their full glasses, howling in unison.I could barely hear over the sound of my own laughter.

When a girl says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask if that includes dental insurance.

I still have wagon splinters stuck to my ass, from when my high school coach made me ride the bench.

Until-as often happened during those first months travel, whenever I would feel such happiness-my guilt alarm went off. I heard my ex-husband’s voice speaking disdainfully in my ear: So this is what you gave up...

In cyber espionage, the cloak and the dagger are one and the same.

If you are able to introduce a white person to a new cheese, it’s like introducing them to a future spouse.

In fact we put so many things in our mouths we constantly have to be reminded what not to eat. Look at that little package of silicon gel that’s inside your sneakers. It says DO...

To call yourself an author takes publishing one book. To call yourself an inspirational author is the work of a lifetime that requires being constantly kicked in the stomach, only to get back up on...

I swear, talking to you is like talking to a really good-looking and mildly stupid brick wall.

How do you know you are who you are? How do you know you’re not simply a clone of who you think you are?

Still it is true that many same-sex couples want nothing more than to join society as fully integrated socially responsible family-centered taxpaying Little League-coaching nation-serving respectably married citizens. So why not welcome them in Why...

FORTUNECOOKINT of the Week: The paper this fortune is printed on contains more nutrients than the cookie it came in.

Call him what you like.

There is truth in wine, but you never see it listed in the ingredients on the label

No. Now, shut up and eat your pears.

The only bright spot in the entire evening was the presence of Kevin “Tubby” Matchwell, the eleven-year-old porker who tackled the role of Santa with a beguiling authenticity. The false beard tended to muffle his...

You don’t offend me. At least not until I change my name. Once I change it to Asshole, then I might be offended you keep calling me Jarod.

Lucien, women are wondrous, mysterious, and magical creatures, who should be treated not only with respect but with reverence, perhaps even awe. Now go sweep the steps.

Secret 1.93. The professional intelligence officer assumes nothing. The successful professional intelligence officer assumes less than that.

Aye. And he’s surprisingly good at it, too!

Darwin says people like you need to die.” (Carrow)

Your Excellency, I have no need of this hypothesis.

If I were to show you pictures of my best friends, they’d all be cats.

I’ve been drunk for about a week now, and I thought it might sober me up to sit in a library.

You would be amazed how many magicians have died after being bitten by mad rabbits. It’s far more common than you might think. -Angela the Herbalist

The official spokesperson is the most anonymous source of all.

You’re first place in my heart. And here’s a second-place ribbon from my third grade shuttle run to prove it. I’ve kept it all these years to remind myself that I’m a winner.