Just remember, all you have to do is say otherwise.

Can’t say what impresses me most about my followers – their good looks, their incredible intellects, or their immunity to cheap flattery.

I want an answer about my request to transfer. Even now, my balls are shrinking in anticipation of going back out in the cold. I said I’d give my life protecting humanity, but my balls...

I love her like a major holiday. You know, not enough people celebrate the joy that is Tax Season, with the High Holy Day coming on April 15th.

This song is for my Molly, who is the best fucking thing that´s ever happened to me. Also, for those suicidal idiots sending her fan mail asking her to run away with them, I will...

I often fantasize about torturing some of the lazier letters of the alphabet, like C, U, and E, because together they only manage to accomplish as much as the solitary letter Q.

I want to start a band called the Band-Aids. Free coffee for all who come to our show. We’d perform for the deaf and the asleep.

Lollipop had been her nickname for me as long as I could remember. I asked her how she came up with the name, and she told me sometimes kids are sweet, and sometimes they just...

The Angel Gabriel disappeared once for sixty years and they found him on earth hiding in the body of a man named Miles Davis.

In the Code of Canon Law, it states clearly: ‘A person who is conscious of grave sin is not to celebrate Mass or receive the body of the Lord without previous sacramental confession.’ I haven’t...

Thinking ahead is like remembering the future. How about that time we made love? I’ll bet it will be amazing.

What about mold,” Tom reminded her. “Fuzziness on a girl is never attractive.

He has a passport,” my classmates would whisper. “Quick, let’s run before he judges us!

Ask the police, and they’ll tell you I have a mug shot. They watched me take the picture before drinking the coffee out of the mug.

The US military and the CIA got busy working on plans for the conquest of Cuba. And it would be no Mickey Mouse boat operation this time. This time, Fidel Castro and his hairy henchmen...

People have an annoying habit of remembering things they shouldn’t.

A sign read “Free drinks for billiards competitors only.” Hand-lettered below read “All others will pay.” It was written in blood. I could tell because a red fairy with what looked like black insect wings...

A woman wants all the men to love her, and a man wants to love all the women. And as for me, I just want to be a shepherd, though not for sexual purposes.

No,” he said hoarsely, “the chair will do just fine, thank you.””If I know you are uncomfortable, I shan’t be able to sleep.” She sounded remarkably like a damsel in distress.Dunford shuddered. He had never...

I’m not courageous. In fact, when I shadow box I wear boxing gloves that are outfitted with flashlights.

edit,” people will slow down and scour my words for errors. Did it wrok?

I’m a laugh tart. I make no secret of that fact.

Immortality like this is about as useful as sunscreen on a submarine.

Pe domnul Van der Hoph însă c nd îl văd îmi vine să-l m ng i pe cap, ca pe un băiețel. Cred că altceva trebuie să inspire un bărbat.

The passenger door was wide open, nobody was around, and a purse was inside. Was this a trap? It seemed too good to be true. Temptation overtook me, so I reached in the car, popped...

Nobody liked my plan.”You want us to split up?” Chase asked, his brow wrinkling in obvious bewilderment.Lake echoed the sentiment, her voice flat. “Why would we split up? There’s four of us and one of...

I always appear smarter when I dress up in my giant nipple costume. I know this because I’ll overhear people say things like, ‘At least he’s not a complete boob.

I like undressing women with my eyes, but I just can’t quite figure out how to unstrap their bras with my eyelids.

Respect is not creative … Chanel is an institution, and you have to treat an institution like a whore — and then you get something out of her.

I never gossip. I observe. And then relay my observations to practically everyone.

but if Yale joined us, there would be.

I put the anal in analysis. Now don’t you go putting your dick in my work.

too much alcohol hampers people’s ability to parent. That’s why I’ve chosen to remain childless.

The walking tour guides one through the city’s various landmarks, reciting bits of information the listener might find enlightening. I learned, for example, that in the late 1500s my little neighborhood square was a popular...

I need to dig a hole the size of the Grand Canyon to bury all of my problems.

The prank is entitled “Subverting the Patriarchal Paradigm”.

the book I was reading turned out to be crack

I wanted desperately to get all hot and sweaty with this guy, but I knew from experience that hormones affected my sensibilities like alcohol or pot. In the throes of passion I tend to vow...

We’ll meet at the theater tonight. I’ll hold your seat ’til you get there. Once you get there; you’re on your own.

I love jell-o. I love the way it comes in rainbow colours, wiggles and jiggles and looks like brains.

Hugh consoled me, saying, “Don’t let it get to you. There are plenty of things you’re good at.”When asked for some examples, he listed vacuuming and naming stuffed animals. He says he can probably come...

My knowledge is mine to use as I see fit. But I’m way too out of shape to see fit.

Sweatpants are a sign of defeat. You lost control of your life so you bought some sweatpants.

I thought about writing the character as male, but then I would be forced to portray him as a woman in a man’s body.

Starting over is not a sign of failure. I look at it this way: A person enrolled at the wrong life college, underwent some hellish classes, passed a lot of difficult tests, majored in perspective,...

To get him to agree, I put a gun to his head. To get him to not change his mind, I blew out his brains.

Lady Sylvia McCordle: Mr Weissman — Tell us about the film you’re going to make.Morris Weissman: Oh, sure. It’s called “Charlie Chan In London”. It’s a detective story.Mabel Nesbitt: Set in London?Morris Weissman: Well, not...

Ahhhhh!

Boxing gloves/oven mitts could be used to fight fires. My uppercut can knock you out cold, like melting ice. Sip it slowly.

I thoughtyou were some kind of psychopath.” My frown deepens, as I consider whether he might in fact be a psychopath.