When the clock reads 3:00, I don’t call it three o’clock, I call it three hundred, and I remember the Spartans. At 3:01, however, I remember what I was doing at 2:59, and I get...

That night, when SanJuanna had cleared the main course and brought dessert in, my mother called for quiet and said, “Boys, I have an announcement to make. Your sister made the apple pies tonight. I’m...

When given the chance to see China off the beaten track, definitely take it.

Life goal: Swim in a lake full of soup, and instead of bathing suits we’ll wear Ziploc bags while we make love like we’re feeding the homeless.

How is it that standing outside for a minute in 90 degree heat is torture, yet standing in a blistering hot shower for 20 minutes is paradise?

I need to look like an idiot at least twice a day to keep myself humble.

His name is Randy Randy. Or maybe it’s Randy Randy. I always get his first and last names mixed up.

Greetings, cybernuts! This is I.B. Nosey, your official unofficial reporter!

Labor is a man crowning glory.””Not this man’s.””I quote Marx”I raised my hands. The pickaxe handle had been rough.”I quote blisters.

Bah, Alzheimer’s. The reason my grandma can’t remember anything is because she’s always thinking about dick.

when god did something it become Natural Disaster. when man did the same thing it become TERRORISM! Where is consistency Bitch!

He’s going to jail. He can’t see. He can’t hear. He can’t take a leak that lasts under fifteen minutes. But he has an erection and all the other problems are small change. Next time...

We were in Paris. We were in love. We were with other people at the time and wouldn’t even meet for two years.

A blanket of self-regulated trust on a bed of deceit.

A Short Alternative Medical DictionaryDefinitions courtesy of Dr Lemuel Pillmeister (also known as Lemmy)Addiction – When you can give up something any time, as long as it’s next Tuesday.Cocaine – Peruvian Marching Powder. A stimulant...

Why would anybody want dick for free?” What kind of lover would that make?

…so that’s why I’m pleased to announce my endorsement of Sarah Palin for President in 2016: because you know that whoever gets elected is going to fuck you over. So why not vote for somebody...

I wish I could say I’m low maintenance, but I like some of the finer things in life…like a toothbrush.

If you hear voices, you’re a lunatic. If you write down what they say, you’re an author.

A brick could be used as gift for the man who has everything. Here’s a tip: that man doesn’t have everything, because I just stole his wallet. But I can’t very well give him a...

It will be like having an extreme close-up in high definition to examine each freckle, while failing to notice whether the person is even wearing pants.

Pregnant women need dick too. And I’m here to sell it to them. I charge by the inch and by the hour.

He is a unicorn. I want to gently capture him and bring him back to my lab for research.

You want a lesson, boy? If you find yourself being born, climb back in as quick as you can, because life’s a bottomless feast of shit.

Is it time for your period, or something?” With unerring instinct, he’d found a great big red button, and pushed it. Wyatt fights to win, which means he fights dirty. I understand the concept because...

I really want to see you tonight, so I hope you leave your blinds open.

A brick could be used to crush the Fruit of Desire and make the Juice of Destiny. Drink it before I lose my erection.

strong medicine” could be good or bad, just like the laxatives she was forevertalking about. Good for makin’ the mail move smooth, but too much and you shit yerbrains out.-strange angels

I think trees should bloom earlier in the spring. They act like they are on a schedule. It’s not like they have anywhere to go.

Whenever Papa said, ‘Jump,’ I was always the first one in the air.

Well, yea we are kind of old, but we’ve been around so long, we don’t have anything better to do. Living a long time can really turn you into a cranky bitch. Just wait ‘till...

Joy, humor, and laughter should be part of everyone’s spiritual life. They are gifts from God and help us enjoy creation.

If I had a vulva, I’d let you drive it like a Volvo. It’s all about safety. You could probably park on the street, but you might get a ticket.

Brick!”

It’s not wrong to hustle hustlers. It’s like killing murderers, a public service. -Damon Salvatore

It’s not until the break of dawn that the darkness gets to take a break. That’s also when the pain of losing yesterday’s love begins to lift.

A man is always devoted to something more tangible than a woman – the idea of her.

Yeah, and you’re ugly, but do I complain about it? No! Because I don’t complain about things that I can’t change. That’s called intelligence.

They say opposites attract. Nobody ever said opposites live happily ever after.

When the fog lifts on this economy, I think we’ll find a lot of people refusing to ever turn off their caution lights.

A blanket could be used as a spy, because if you need to blend in and go under cover, what’s better than a banket?

Between video games and texting, how do our youth find the time to know everything?

Well you won’t talk to him…and he’s feelingawfully lonely. And I think you hurt his feelings.” Then he made itbounce twice in agreement.Talaith covered her face and sighed. What exactly did hermother tell her the...

It is harder to crack prejudice than an atom.

Is there an intelligent man or woman now in the world who believes in the Garden of Eden story? If you find any man who believes it, strike his forehead and you will hear an...

If you can’t forgive and forget, then pick one and do it …

I didn’t lose and let everybody else beat me so much as I made the race last. Last place means I had the most time to enjoy the experience.

Cats are living, breathing blankets. But a blanket, no matter how furry, cannot be used like a purrless cat.

He’d spent so much time in the penalty box for fighting last season, he’d been tempted to hang a picture and maybe set up a lava lamp, it had felt so much like home

The list of who’s the best is only one person long. My penis is only one person long too, if that person is two-inches tall.