My family has a Christmas tradition: Every year, they kill my mom.

The dead know everything but they don’t give a damn.

reading”.

The lunchmeat fell on the floor, and I didn’t know what to do, so I wiped it off on the bottom of my shoe and served it to my boss. Ah, but that’s life, no?

You’re funny.’ Phoebe passed me the last chocolate cupcake. ‘And I always thought your friends were laughing over their own farts.”Ninety percent of Eastwood’s male population laughs over their own farts. Present company excluded, naturally.

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like “Second Tall Man”.

I’m a fool.At least i’m a self aware fool.

Earwax is nothing more than sound boogers. I’m too congested to hear anything but I love you. Not that I expect you to flick it at me lightly.

So this is what men are like. Well, that’s it, then – I am going to be a lesbian.

Humor (is) the process that allows one to brush reality aside when it gets too distressing.

If love had its limits, and those limits tasted like lasagna, could you see yourself dating a can of chicken noodle soup? I only ask because I’m in the mood to spoon. After all, I...

A Man who has never lied to a woman has no respect for her feeling.

You have to figure that there is something seriously wrong with somebody who wants to enter a profession that deals with whether people are screwing enough. Dealing with spirits, spooks, and demons almost seemed normal.

A brick can and should be used as a telephone, because that way I won’t feel so bummed out that she never calls me.

At night all cats are grey.

I don’t know what I expected – no maybe I do, Al Pacino from Scarface- but this drug dealer is more like Al Pacino at the beginning of The Godfather reasonably bemused, untouched by his...

I had a dream about you. You were being hung. I had a sword in one hand and a stool in the other. I couldn’t decide which one to use, so I stood on the...

I have a “Waiter, there’s a hair in my soup” dance. It involves platform shoes, a mustache, and a hair net.

There’s a friendly tie of some sort between music and eating.

Sometimes I hate him. When he does the dishes, he shakes off each one before setting it in the drying rack. Water flies everywhere. A couple of drops always hit me in the face. I...

Neighbours complaining about someone’s dog making an awful racket. You could hardly blame the poor beast, its owner had died in her bed at least a fortnight before and there hadn’t been much left of...

Female Mercenary. This will be a companion on your Tour. She is usually tall, thin and wiry, silent, and neurotic. Sex scares her. This is because she either came from a nunnery or was raped...

Maple thought optimistically that human beings, on their good days, weren’t much dimmer than sheep. Or at least, not much dimmer than dim sheep.

If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?

I don’t eat breakfast, but I do drink it. Coffee, it’s the most important meal of the day.

Stars in the night,’ he said. ‘Something something something something, some delight

When you stick a song on a tape, you set it free.

A blanket could be used to cause global warming. If you don’t want to future generations to die, I’d recommend shivering in your bare bed.

There were yogurt-colored clouds that afternoon, and I was there, blotting out your sun with a spoon.

So you’re the guy who did the no-no cha-cha with my baby sister.

I had officially joined the cacophony of sick mother fuckers.

Never say a humorous thing to a man who does not possess humor. He will always use it in evidence against you.

If you don’t make enemies, you’re just not trying.

Consider this a fair warning.

A brick could be used to teach men how to dance, by learning balance. But a blanket could also teach men how to dance, by providing motivation to get good so they can get some...

Walking is so monotonous. Left, right, left, right, it’s also all so political.

You use magic to start the fire.

With hand gestures, you can fill in a lot of gaps, and the words thing and stuff and -ness also help: patientness instead of patience, fastness instead of speed, honestness instead of honesty. With these...

I collect the most valuable thing in the world—free time. But unlike other priceless things, I don’t need a safe to keep it safe, because I keep all my free time in the past, where...

Now, Woolf calls her fictional bastion of male privilege Oxbridge, so I’ll call mine Yarvard. Even though she cannot attend Yarvard because she is a woman, Judith cheerfully applies for admission at, let’s call it,...

If an angry bull is running toward you, and your pants become wet despite holding the red cloth, make sure the other side of the cloth is white.

Drunken men give some of the best pep talks.

I have a terrible memory; I never forget a thing.

[Hades] returned his attention to the playlist while I eased the car back on the road. His fingers flipped deftly over the screen. ‘Orpheus…Dusk…Orpheus…Dusk…do you have anything on here that doesn’t make people want to...

The Democratic Party supports criminals and Islamic terrorists but has no sympathy for taxpayers.

Language is the proper way to communicate, followed closely by five balled up fingers forming a fist and flying at a face. Violence is never the answer—unless the question is: What the fuck are you...

Chlamydia, today´s most common cause of venereal disease, does the equivalent of hiding in the police station.Schistosomes of the mansoni type go a step further and essentially steal police uniforms. These parasites, a serious cause...

The Maker of the universe with stars a hundred thousand light-years apart was interested, furious, and very personal about it if a small boy played baseball on Sunday afternoon.

You know, in some cultures, when you save someone’s life, you’re then responsible for it.”Allison thought about telling him she’d seen the same movie and was pretty sure the claim was bogus. Instead, she offered...

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so?There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.