Here she tossed her foot impatiently, and showed an inch or two of calf. A sailor on the mast, who happened to look down at the moment, started so violently that he missed his footing...

I shaved my pubic hair, glued it on a wig, and declared it art. No museum was willing to exhibit it. I should have sprinkled cheddar cheese on top and called it An Ode To...

What you see is what you see

The two squirrels quarreled like lovers, and it moved me so much I made both into one toupee. I’m not bald, but that doesn’t mean I don’t wear it. I’m a romantic.

You piss me off you Salmon… You’re too expensive in restaurants.

The first rule of snooping is to come at it sideways–when you began writing me dizzy letters about Alexander, I didn’t ask if you were in love with him, I asked what his favorite animal...

I suppose he’s a bit young,” he said.

Caterpillars can fly, if they just lighten up.

I had a dream about you. Our relationship faded from red to white, and somewhere in the middle, in the pink zone, I told you I loved you and you returned it. However, at white,...

I have so much hate that it has turned into love.

I don’t like to overdose. Call me old-fashioned.

If you’re like most members of the Baby Boom generation, you decided somewhere along the line, probably after about four margaritas, to have children. This was inevitable. Mother Nature, in her infinite wisdom, has instilled...

Long after our cities are condemned and deserted, our city parks will stand as a testament of the serenity of our weekends to distant trespassers. As we wait in the bushes to embrace their heavy...

The ability for anyone in our generation to self-amuse has sadly been bred out of our species.

To write a novel, you need an iron butt.

[…] for the philosophy of Square rendered him superior to all emotions, and he very calmly smoaked his pipe, as was his custom in all broils, unless when he apprehended some danger of having it...

Taking into account the public’s regrettable lack of taste, it is incumbent upon you not to fit in.

Shakespeare asked what’s in a name. Well, each of my clones won’t be named the same as me, but they’ll be me and just as sweet.

I rap. I also wrap. It’s a gift I have.

I love writing, but hate starting. The page is awfully white and it says, ‘You may have fooled some of the people some of the time but those days are over, Giftless. I’m not your...

Don’t make me kill you at this hour in the morning Jimmy. It’s not civilized.

She leaned into me, and I could feel her hot breath against my ear. ‘I want you to eat me,’ she whispered. ‘I want you to eat me like you’re an angry Alaskan grizzly and...

I had a dream about you. You told me you loved me, and then you stabbed me with a spoon. Luckily, moments before your attack, I assumed the identity of a bowl of Jell-O. Later...

I’ll be famous one day, but for now I’m stuck in middle school with a bunch of morons.” – Greg Heffley,

I make love in half. But that’s because I’m much too romantic to refer to it as masturbation.

I think I’d make a great cop, because I love pastries, respect that shines like metal on my chest, and anonymous envelopes stuffed full of cash just for turning my head to the left when...

They hate you.””Why?””Cause you’re a dick, Mitch.

Never bullshit a bullshitter.

Only the wicked understand the ways of the wicked, my dear. ~Madame Zelda to Roller Deb

No, I’m digging a grave for you.” It was at this point that I unsheathed Chuck Norris’ right arm and sliced you with a karate chop.

I ran three miles, staggered into the lobby, and took the elevator back to my apartment. No point to overdoing this exercise junk. –Stephanie Plum

Do not stick your dick in a hair dryer. Not if you’ve got two tickets to Las Vegas and some leftover lasagna in your fridge.

Most people have a list of 100 books to read before they die, or 100 places to visit. Not me. I have a list of 100 birthdays to see. No need to write them down,...

You are hard at work madam ,” said the man near her.Yes,” Answered Madam Defarge ; ” I have a good deal to do.”What do you make, Madam ?”Many things.”For instance —“For instance,” returned Madam...

Oops.” ~Luna’s POV, Clash of the Clans: Shinobi 7 Companion Book #1

Oh, you found someone else? With less money?

I had a dream about you. It was raining, and you were anorexic and shaped like an umbrella. We fell in love like a desert has a dry sense of humor. I laughed so hard...

Everyone wants a Christmas tree. If you had a Christmas tree Santa would bring you stuff! Like hair curlers and slut shoes.

If you rest, you rust.

I had a dream about you. I was a robot that looked like Robert the Bruce, and you were a Bruce that looked like a Robert. You also danced like a robot, and I danced...

My sister having so much to do, was going to church vicariously, that is to say, Joe and I were going.

Push my buttons, and I’ll push you off a bridge. 

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Sometimes when I read before bed I get so tired that my eyes gloss over the sentences without actually taking in any information, as my mind wanders in a pre dream state. That’s also how...

You have quite a repertoire of ‘pants’ references, don’t you?

Last night I slept like a baby. In a crib.

I want to end my life by eating so much Viagra that I go out like that movie and Die Hard. If you want to watch, I just made popcorn.

The history books which contain no lies are extremely tedious

I can talk for a long time only when it’s about something boring.

You nicked-named my daughter after the Lock Ness Monster!