We made love in the restaurant booth. It was romantic until our waiter knocked on our windshield.

People will tell you what to do. Don’t listen them. Do what is right and what you love. Ultimately they would have to agree with you. Be a trend setter

I want that little blonde bitch in the lobby to hear me screaming your name.

Love is a four-letter word. So is glue, only it isn’t as sticky. And I must admit, I still eat it all the time.

Vaughn folded his arms. ‘The reason why you’ve lasted longer than most of your erstwhile colleagues is because you don’t do drama. I don’t like drama. I get enough drama at home. My wife could...

You just want to fondle my extraneous body parts,” I said to the EMT as I picked up a silver gadget that looked disturbingly like an alien orifice probe, broke it, then promptly put it...

I think I found the love of my life. Boy, I’m glad I cleaned out my fish tank.

Louie was furious at the sharks. He had thought that they had an understanding:The men would stay out of the sharks’ turf – the water – and the sharks would stay off of theirs –...

One can have a wit, but not a witless

Half my body is sunburned, and the other half is melted like ice cream. But at least my love for her is still cold.

You know what would help?” I asked, not meeting his eyes.”Hmm?””If you turned off this crap music and put on something that came out after the Berlin Wall went down.”Dimitri laughted. “Your worst class is...

Whoa. Fangs. She had fangs.She leaned in, prodded them a little. Eating with those puppies was going to take some getting used to, she thought.On impulse, she brought up her hands, turned her fingers into...

We haven’t spoken in forever, but that doesn’t mean I still don’t love her. That’s what being in love with a mute is all about.

I had one class in the morning, the mysteriously named “Further Maths”. It was two hours long and so deeply frightening that I think I went into a trance.

…trying to use willpower to overcome the apathetic sort of sadness that accompanies depression is like a person with no arms trying to punch themselves until their hands grow back. A fundamental component of the...

She had sexy legs. They were attached to her torso. Or maybe those were her arms.

When he finished, he drank from the cup. Everyone else did too, so I followed suit.And nearly choked to death.It was like fire in liquid form. It took every ounce of strength I had to...

A pancake would make as good of a wheel as I’d make a lover. I would invite you to have a seat on my unicycle, but it’s sticky from maple syrup.

What does it say about me that I don’t say much? It doesn’t say I love you, and that’s sad, because when I ignore you, that’s exactly what I’m trying to tell you.

How many kids are in the Graveyard?””A bunch.””Who sends your supplies?””George Washington. Or is it Abraham Lincoln? I forget.””How often do you receive new arrivals?””About as often as you beat your wife.

So I hear we get to go to town this weekend. Want to catch a movie or something?–ZP.S. That is, if Jimmy doesn’t mind.Translation: This weekend might be a good chance for us to see...

Who’d win in a fight, a tongue twister, or a tornado? How about who’d make a better lover in a diaper, me or Cupid?

What’s another word for thesaurus?

Seeing your mother naked is not something you easily recover from. Seeing your mother naked and jumping from one side of a king-sized bed to the other with a nurse’s hat on while your father,...

I need a tube-shaped bathtub, to play the tuba in. I make love like I make music—in a shower that’s in a phone booth that’s in 1981, the year before I was born.

I was an abusive, selfish, needy, angry asshole. Now I’m just kind of selfish, a little less angry, occasionally needy, with flights of asshole. I’ve grown.

The perfect vehicle to take to the moon would be a two-door Saturn with a sunroof.

I named my dog Stay, so I can say, ‘Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!

Her hair was red, like a flame. And my penis was long, like a commercial break. Hey, hold the elevator!

Vanessa Sky Ellis scours the streets of NYC looking for celebrities to take selfies with, while I scrounge up quarters to try to buy love out of vending machines. I have had sex with more...

We should all just face reality and stop taking our meals together.

I had a dream about you, you invited me shopping and I was so excited at the thought we were having a “day date” after we entered the mall you had dropped your wallet and...

Some enterprising rabbit had dug its way under the stakes of my garden again. One voracious rabbit could eat a cabbage down to the roots, and from the looks of things, he’d brought friends. I...

Teagan: How long has it been since you read a book that didn’t havevampires in it?Abby: They write books with no vampires? Wait…the penguins made us read that Shakesrear guy, right?Teagan: Shakespeare.

Left-handed and eyes closed, it’s how I masturbate—while driving at night. If you want to know how I make love, you’re going to have to pay for admission.

I loved all the words in his book—just not in the order he arranged them, or the frequency with which he used them. To improve his work, I’d combine the words in a different way...

He who laughs last laughs the laughiest.

It was Will, filling the doorway with his lanky, broad-shouldred frame. His blue eyes where thunderous. “What are you doing here?” he demanded.So much for the brief peace they had achieved the night before. “I...

Her love was decaffeinated, and mine wasn’t. Her love was also black, and mine was creamy and sweet. How could she not want to drink it up?

Does anyone here speak English? Or even Ancient Greek?— A very lost Marcus Brody

How she looks is watered-down.How she looks is disappearing.How she looks is erased.”Don’t stress”, she says. “This is just me not wearing any makeup.

Novels are written word by word. If you can write a word, and then another word, you can write a novel—assuming your novel will be two words long. Here’s a two-word romance novel: I do....

And before you barrel through some idiotic Cosmo girl list of how-well-do-you-know-your-man questions, let me say that I don’t know squat about him except that he kisses like a god and screws like a devil.

Y are you called the cheese man?

The code of the coward is to run away. I know, because I wrote the manual.

The Swedes have coined the term ‘management by perkele’ to portray the Finnish managerial approach. Instead of collectively pondering all the possible alternatives and letting every member of the staff from the cleaner to the...

No, that you assumed I’d look at you in any fashion other than professionally.

In the future.” But how’d I know I’d show up, and not my clone posing as me?

Don’t break character.

No. I’m going to dry you off and hold you some more. I like seeing that blood. I did that,” The pleasure in my voice made Blythe smile.