His eyes are peculiar. There is nothing in them, like an eclair without the cream filling. It’s wrong, lack of cream.

You don’t say.

I don’t know what I was expecting a vampire’s room to look like. Maybe lots of black, a bunch of books by Camus… oh, and a sensitive portrait of the only human the vamp ever...

Let us embrace each other like we have the arms of two chairs. Let us dance like our legs are those of a table. We should do dinner sometime.

It’s not gay to jack off, so how could it be gay to give your clone a handjob? If anything, it’s on-the-job training for a political career.

Murphy hung up and I said, to the still-open line, “Hey, if you’ve got someone watching my place, could you call the cops if anyone tries to steal my Star Wars poster? It’s an original.”Then...

Maar als je genoeg kikkers kust, kom je vanzelf wel een prins tegen.

Some men break your heart in two,Some men fawn and flatter,Some men never look at you;And that cleans up the matter.

Christ, seven years of college, down the drain.

Jack Woodson is currently living and working in Dallas, TX. He has forty children, and all of them have different mothers.

Share and Enjoy’ is the company motto of the hugely successful Sirius Cybernetics Corporation Complaints Division, which now covers the major land masses of three medium-sized planets and is the only part of the Corporation...

Three people are interviewing for a job. The first thinks his odds are 33.3 percent of landing the job. The second guy, so sure of himself, thinks his odds are 100 percent. The third guy,...

I’m dealing with a lot of scary things. I think you have to react to them. And you either laugh at them or you go insane.

The Libertarian Party convention wasn’t much better. You will never find a more stammering, awkward, inarticulate group of people than libertarians. I still remember the convention the previous year, entitled ‘Women of Liberty.’ All of...

We made love like a half a minute. I brought the thirty seconds, and she provided the excuse as to why she didn’t have enough time to have sex with me.

Terror was the key, of course, for there’s a fine line between paralyzing dread and galvanizing fright.

Mr. Klamp laid down the law. No tardiness, no talking above 40 decibels, no untied shoelaces, no visible undergarments, no eating, no chewing gum, no chewing tobacco, no chewing betel nuts, no chewing coca leaves,...

I thought orange was a more electable color, so I dyed my whole cat orange, and renamed him Abe Lincoln. I licked his fur clean in celebration of his victory.

I love public speakers who give moving speeches—particularly if they bring boxes, packing tape, and dollies. The last local politician I heard speak was so moving that I took up residence in a new county.

Aren’t fairy godmothers supposed to be nice and make you feel better about yourself?…No, you’re confusing fairy godmothers with sales clerks.

Above all, if what you’ve done is stupid, but it works, it ain’t stupid.

But even Es and cocaine, over the years they blow holes in your brain, rob you of your memories, your past. Which is fair enough, convenient even.

Would it make you feel better if I said I’ve done a numerical analysis on the probabilities and the results are skewed toward you having more problems with this case?

To keep my cat from drinking out of the toilet, I could close the toilet lid, I could close the bathroom door, or I could pull my straw out of the water and stop setting...

I had a dream about you. We met where most lovers meet—in prison. You were a guard, and I was in solitary confinement. The politicians felt the bars protected society from me, but I felt...

A passport, as I’m sure you know, is a document that one shows to government officials whenever one reaches a border between two countries, so that the official can learn who you are, where you...

You know you’re dealing with a numpty when her saving grace is that she didn’t help to cover up a murder.

Percy wouldn’t notice a joke if it danced naked in front of him wearing one of Dobby’s hats.

I’d rather be fried alive and eaten by Mexicans.

By brother is so young that to this day he still doesn’t exist.

How many 17s can you fit in your anus? Next time, try 18. Then try running for political office.

Wenn du mit einem Schweden um die Wette saufen willst, solltest du zumindest Finne oder Russe sein.(S. 148)

Katy skipped over, her low-rise jeans threatening to fall off her skinny hips. With some girls, that was a sexy look. With Katy, it made you nervous.

I hope you’re pleased with yourselves. We could all have been killed – or worse, expelled. Now if you don’t mind, I’m going to bed.

Too bad. Game over. Insert new fucking quarter.

I’m in great shape. I’m 30 years old, and I feel like I’m 29.

I had a dream about you. The setting was upsetting. We were in hell where I was a prisoner and you were a guard. You reported directly to Satan, who reported directly to Congress.

Some people would say it’s a bad idea to bring a fire-spider into a public library. Those people would probably be right, but it was better than leaving him alone in the house for nine...

I, uh, I was teasing.

In the present case it is a little inaccurate to say I hate everything. I am strongly in favor of common sense, common honesty and common decency. This makes me forever ineligible to any public...

My gun turned back into a pumpkin.

On the scale of tomato to ketchup, my girlfriend is definitely a 57.

Things I’ve learned the hard way: #1) When you’re making a door-to-door sales pitch, make sure your shorts aren’t so short that your dick dangles out of them.

You say ‘cure.’ I hear ‘you’re not human enough.

Someday I must read this scholar Everyone. He seems to have written so much–all of it wrong.

I don’t think you should be an Auror, Harry,” said Luna unexpectedly. Everybody looked at her. “The Aurors are part of the Rotfang Conspiracy, I thought everyone knew that. They’re working to bring down the...

Veni, vidi, vici. That was easy for Julius Caesar to say; he crossed Italy in a chariot, not on a stupid bike.” – Vivia

There’s someone for everyone. And when my clones get here, everyone will be able to have that someone. Prices start at $99.

Because my family has no money, I’ve decided to become a prostitute. That’s right, I’m going into politics.

My momma always said, ‘You and Elvis are pretty good, but y’all ain’t no Chuck Berry.