I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them, and I know how bad I am.

Start here & go until you die, he said. What’s so complicated about that?

I should think a dead language would be rather boring, sociallyspeaking.

They should make bubblegum that tastes like mashed potatoes. You know, for lovers.

I once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying ‘flee at once – all is discovered.’ They all left town immediately.

Every day we’re told that we live in the greatest country on earth. And it’s always stated as an undeniable fact: Leos are born between July 23 and August 22, fitted queen-size sheets measure sixty...

My lucky rabbit’s foot has kept me alive all these years. Hopefully it will do so indefinitely. Immortality through sheer luck.

I often talk about unconditional love towards others. But the truth is I have always looked for favorable conditions when it comes to self-love and happiness. Now that is what you call a true confession!

That´s the problem with planning a late night supper after the opera, not only does the hero or the heroine die singing, but you end up famished after the last notes of the finale.

They said you can’t go to the moon. They said you can’t put cheese inside a pizza crust, but NASA did it. They had to, because the cheese kept floating off in space.

I can’t get car parts at Lowes, the home improvement store? If I lived in my car, my car would be my home.

She needs you, Dad,” Julia says. “She has unfinished business in this world.””What is the matter with you?” Charlie asks his daughter. “Any sane person would have told me to go to the doctor. I’m...

I want to write my own eulogy, and I want to write it in Latin. It seems only fitting to read a dead language at my funeral.

I have a deep respect for shallow pockets. They keep politicians honest.

Can you surf really well, then?”I looked at Grover, who was trying hard not to laugh.”Jeez, Nico,” I said. “I’ve never really tried.”He went on asking questions. Did I fight a lot with Thalia, since...

mr youse needn’t be so spryconcernin questions artyeach has his tastes but as for ii likes a certain partygimme the he-man’s solid blissfor youse ideas i’ll match yousea pretty girl who naked isis worth a...

My hotel room has a great view. The view is right in front of the TV.

I’ve changed my mind, Tory. This is the perfect place to hold someone prisoner. I’m keeping this on file.

The way I wrestle five-year-olds makes me think if I were ever attacked by a pack of midgets, I’d be OK.

Your vote doesn’t count. All that counts is who counts the votes.

What about a compromise? I’ll kill them first, and if it turns out they were friendly, I’ll apologize.

Christmas crept into Pine Cove like a creeping Christmas thing: dragging garland, ribbon, and sleigh bells, oozing eggnog, reeking of pine, and threatening festive doom like a cold sore under the mistletoe.

Women want me, and men want to be me. And by me I mean Ryan Gosling.

It would be, like all of Pammy’s parties, hot and crowded and filled with impossibly glamorous people with hip bones so sharp they could qualify as concealed weapons.

I’m at a point in my life where I feel like I can’t go anywhere. Maybe I’ll try to coax my cat off my lap so I can get up and move.

Fireworks are flowers in the garden sky. My love is like New Year’s Eve, only less predictable and more daily.

He who thinks he’s the best is not the best… And the one who thinks “he who thinks he’s the best is not the best” is also not the best.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Every new thought of mine is like my child. And as soon as it is conceived, I must abandon it. I might return to dote on it later, or I might try to strangle it...

At eleven, Kate woke Jake up when she went searching in the cooler for juice.”You know, you used to be peaceful,” he grumbled.”I can’t believe you were ever married.” Kate said, as she cracked the...

Like Alexander the Great and Caesar, I’m out to conquer the world. But first I have to stop at Walmart and pick up some supplies.

I had a dream about you. You gained weight, but I didn’t mind because all the extra poundage went straight to your brain. You told me the meaning of life, but I was too skinny...

Ceres wanted a united front in the plant war.””The plant war,” Percy said. “You’re going to arm all the little grapes with tiny assault rifles?

Storming was one of her main modes of transportation.” In reference to teenager Heather in “Carry The One

Why are they going to disappear him?’I don’t know.’It doesn’t make sense. It isn’t even good grammar.

Why is it so sexy when hot guys stare each other down like that? Why do I feel like licking the air? Am I ovulating?

I yelled at my cat to knock it off, and sure enough, he did. And it broke.

It’s hard to believe an eight-foot tall man can come out of a tight vagina. Obviously, mothers of really tall men must have been loose whores.

I’m a freak with power.

Parker looked distressed. He had confidence in Wimsey’s judgment, and, in spite of his own interior certainty, he felt shaken.”My dear man, where’s the flaw in [this case]?””There isn’t one … There’s nothing wrong about...

No such private nights of ecstasy or hushed-up drinking and sex orgies ever occurred. They might have occurred if either General Dreedle or General Peckem had once evinced an interest in taking part in orgies...

People with disabilities are sometimes very humble and approachable, if you want a seasoned reputation, then behave like one of the handicaps.

I find it rude to laugh at a man with a sword.

sing” in single. But only when I’m in the shower.

If I fail to succeed, I have succeeded in failing.

You know how when someone is tall, people will compare them to a string bean? She, my friend, was like asparagus, but without the subsequent odor.

RésuméRazors pain you,Rivers are damp,Acids stain you,And drugs cause cramp.Guns aren’t lawful,Nooses give,Gas smells awful.You might as well live.

I didn’t get your letter. I did receive it, but I didn’t understand it.

For chocolate’s sake!

Despite the fact that an Indonesian island chicken has probably had a much more natural life than one raised on a battery farm in England, people who wouldn’t think twice about buying something oven-ready become...