Listen, I’d rather lie naked in a plowed field under an incontinent horse for a week than have to read that paragraph again!

June cackled with delight, muttering, “Whoops!” as a car almost killed them.

Immortality like this is about as useful as sunscreen on a submarine.

One can only tolerate the absolute idiocy of Man for so long before bringing out the bat.

There are men who wants only the woman; such are tagged, ‘real men’, and there are ones who want only their bodies; such are tagged, ‘fake men’, and there are others who wants neither the...

I always appear smarter when I dress up in my giant nipple costume. I know this because I’ll overhear people say things like, ‘At least he’s not a complete boob.

Genius is of small use to a woman who does not know how to do her hair.

I melted in my defeat like Victory Ice Cream. I brought along an extra spoon for you, because I’m a sharing kind of guy.

Without a sense of humor, you don’t have much sense at all.

I never gossip. I observe. And then relay my observations to practically everyone.

High time he had another tutor,’ said Larry. ‘You leave the house for five minutes and come back and find him disembowelling Moby Dick on the front porch.’ ‘I’m sure he didn’t mean any harm,’...

One does not go to Moscow to get fat.

The walking tour guides one through the city’s various landmarks, reciting bits of information the listener might find enlightening. I learned, for example, that in the late 1500s my little neighborhood square was a popular...

If you strip away my flowery language, you’ll figure out I’m really talking about bees.

Of course it is juggling, theman in motley was saying…YOu know what your problem is, Sir Grenall? You’ve been seduced by the lure of spectacle. Sure, I could juggle three or four balls and use...

Trust her; we girls are two sheets short of psycho when it comes to our special little time.

the book I was reading turned out to be crack

I said it unto him who isn’t, and he wisely said nothing. Sometimes saying nothing is saying more than enough.

Here’s a newsflash from the only High Preistess you have left at this dang school: Zoey isn’t dead. And believe me, I know dead. I’ve been there, done that, and got the frickin’ T-shirt.” –...

Hugh consoled me, saying, “Don’t let it get to you. There are plenty of things you’re good at.”When asked for some examples, he listed vacuuming and naming stuffed animals. He says he can probably come...

No one trusts a model except the man who wrote it; everyone trusts an observation, except the man who made it.

I’m still trying to decide how I feel about the fact that you knew about this before I did.””Don’t be disappointed,” Jack said. “The fact that I’ve been ridiculously proud of you for days doesn’t...

Keeping an active mind has been vital to my survival, as has been maintaining a sense of humor.

I thought about writing the character as male, but then I would be forced to portray him as a woman in a man’s body.

Wrapped inside one is love. Wrapped inside another is hate. What do you think is wrapped inside the third? If you answered meat, beans, and cheese, you’d be correct.

Seeing him jogging at the park had cracked the window so I could peek into his soul. Seeing him with his friends threw the window wide open.He was so nineteen.

Ahhhhh!

Sometimes I kick my cat. But I’m asleep, and he sleeps at the foot of my bed. It’s not like I kick it intentionally, like it was a politician.

Take my advice and don’t take my advice.

Huge Jackman has divorced his wife and happened upon my picture in some old article and decided that I’m the woman for him?~ Susan

We had an unspoken love for one another. Probably because she’d never talk to me or return my phone calls or texts.

I have failed, and I should bury my failure. I need a trowel (it was a small failure).

Freddie experienced the sort of abysmal soul-sadness which afflicts one of Tolstoy’s Russian peasants when, after putting in a heavy day’s work strangling his father, beating his wife, and dropping the baby into the city’s...

Tonight I’m on Meow Patrol. Do you have a fur coat I can borrow?

Leadership is being the first to put others second. Wait, that’s not right. That’s politics.

A brick could be used to help you get used to the fact that you’ve been used. I’ve been used to, so I know what you’re going through. You’re going through a dark tunnel, and...

Oh shit, the mummy’s after us, let’s all walk a little faster

A new doctor had been sent for, Lazzaro of Pavia, who had administered to Lorenzo a pulverized mixture of diamonds and pearls. This hitherto infallible medicine had failed to help.

Not really hungry.””She’ll eat.” Pritkin said curtly.”I said —””If you starve to death it would damage my professional reputation.””I eat plenty.””The same does not apply should I strangle you in understandable irritation, however.””I’ll have a...

He has a name.””Oh yeah. Skulduggery isn’t it?” Fletcher responded. “That’s an unusual one. Tell me were you born a skeleton or were your folks just disturbingly hopeful?

If there are seven people present, myself included, and there is one pizza that’s cut into eight slices, then everyone should get one slice—except for me, who should get two slices, because I didn’t pay....

A blanket could be used to stop a train. Another good thing to use would be brakes. I’ll sell you a set of train breaks for the price of a warm night’s sleep.

Ah, Proph.” Tom paused. “You did have a nightmare last night.””And here I thought maybe I dreamed it,” Prophet muttered sarcastically.

Why were you lurking under our window?””Yes – yes, good point, Petunia! What were you doing under our windows, boy?””Listening to the news,” said Harry in a resigned voice.His aunt and uncle exchanged looks of...

Man’s inability to get out of bed in the morning is a curious thing. One may reason with oneself clearly and forcibly without the slightest effect. One knows that delay means inconvenience. Perhaps it may...

TV and the Internet are good because they keep stupid people from spending too much time out in public.

If I’m having a conversation with my clone, am I having an interior dialogue externally?

A blanket could be used as one square on a giant checkerboard.

The big kid hasn’t said anything yet. ‘I do like hearing myself talk,’ I say, ‘only because I have a lot of neat things to say, but eventually the conversation will run out in, like,...

The carriage could only clop along at about ten miles per hour, which only accentuated Imogene’s excitement. She urged it onward: “Fly, horse, fly!