My hotel room faces the ocean. My face is also oceanic.

When may did so, he found every cup and saucer, plate, vase, and bowl standing arranged across the floor like pieces in a scaled-up chess game. “The Whitstable family tree,” Bryant explained, entering and setting...

Just don’t take any class where you have to read BEOWULF.

Mirrors should think longer before they reflect.

Some men can love forever, some for six years, some for six months, and others for six hours.

Modern party-dance is simply writhing to suggestive music. It is ridiculous, silly to watch and excruciatingly embarrassing to perform. It is ridiculous, and yet absolutely everyone does it, so that it is the person who...

Look. Survey. Inspect. My hair is ruined! I look like a pan of bacon and eggs!

Her lips full and inviting, she has an infectious laugh and glassy cackle in her eyes, and a 2000 volt sexual charisma that beckons me like a fluff girl on scuffed knees.

You can’t blame her,’ said Amit. ‘After a life so full of tragedy anyone would become hard.”What tragedy?’ asked Mrs. Chatterji.’Well, when she was four,’ said Amit, ‘her mother slapped her–it was quite traumatic–and then...

Dinner for two—plus one.

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.

If I had no penis, how would I pee? How would I make love? How would I think?

Horses are of a breed unique to Fantasyland. They are capable of galloping full-tilt all day without a rest. Sometimes they do not require food or water. They never cast shoes, go lame or put...

People talk too much. Humans aren’t descended from monkeys. They come from parrots.

Without an element of vulgarity, no man can be a work of art…I have to try and think what an artist is, apart from a hooligan who cannot live within his income of praise.

Some are born weird, some achieve it, others have weirdness thrust upon them.

In life you’ll meet a lot of jerks. If they hurt you, tell yourself that it’s because they’re stupid. That will help keep you from reacting to their cruelty. Because there is nothing worse than...

Love has a certain weightlessness to it, much as my meaty penis would on the moon.

I’ll stand by you forever. Or at least until noon, and then I’ll go stand under the cabana. Isn’t love amazing?

Has it ever occured to you that crazy cat people may be sane and you be the the crazy one?

Within a science fictional space, memory and regret are, when taken together, the set of necessary and sufficient elements required to produce a time machine.

Women don’t want all that. Women just want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon with them while reciting Keats, and feed them organic yogurt by candlelight on a seaside cliff at...

Last time I was down South I walked into this restaurant, and this white waitress came up to me and said: ‘We don’t serve colored people here.’ “I said: ‘that’s all right, I don’t eat...

Write to please just one person. If you open a window and make love to the world, so to speak, your story will get pneumonia.

Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it.

I want to have five or six wives, and a few dozen sheep, all for my pleasure. I should be a politician.

There are only two profound ways to reach enlightenment: Laugh by yourself, or get tickled.

Call me sentimental, but there’s no-one in the world that I’d like to see get dysentery more than you

You can’t spell “parentry” without “try.” Of course, you’ll make a few mistakes. The important thing is that the mistakes you make with your kids are the same ones your parents made with you. At...

I don’t need a steak knife to cut my meat. That’s why karate chops were created. I’m like a butter knife, only slightly less deadly. But I’m great with bagels—and disobedient old people.

If you actually are an educated, thinking person, you will not be welcome in Washington, D.C. I know a couple of bright seventh graders who would not be welcome in Washington D.C.

Gabi to Marcus “I can’t believe out of one hundred thousand sperm, you were the fastest!

Shergahn and friend lay like poleaxed steers, and the Daranfelian’s greasy hair was thick with potatoes, carrots, gravy, and chunks of beef. His companion had less stew in his hair, but an equally large lump...

Poor animals! How jealously they guard their pathetic bodies…that which to us is merely an evening’s meal, but to them is life itself.

Why aren’t the thinks I’m thinking getting thunk on the page any faster?!? (from Stop Lying: Writing Is Hard on ChristopherLehman.com)

I have slightly less than 60 miles to go, and I’m going slightly faster than 60 miles per hour. I should arrive in a bad mood.

This explains why, whenever a person says sie to me, I generally try to kill him, if a stranger.

Women are already born so far ahead ability-wise. The day men can give birth, that’s when we can start talking about equal rights.

Politicians think the only way out of a hole is to keep digging.

Sarcasm.

But indeed I would rather have nothing but tea.

You want sensitive and understanding, stick with the therapist.You want great,headbanging sex, get off the fucking phone and come with me.

Sex,” the driver said, “Has no one ever told you about it?”I took the New York Times from my carry-on bag and pretended to read, an act that apparently explained it all.”Ohhh,” the driver said,...

Not only did I not get it done, but I’m over budget too. I’m like a politician.

Compromise is a stalling between two fools.

Someone dying asks if there is life after death. Yes, comes the answer, only not yours.

He watched in awe as she stacked up an enormous armload of music. “There,” she finished, slapping Frank Zappa’s Greatest Hits on top of the pile. “That should do for a start.” “You are a...

He was not looking forward to breaking the law. He was straight now. He’d matured. Crime no longer excited him.What?’ Ronald said.I didn’t say anything.’You’re breathing heavy.

He had a new girl, and I told him she looked like Marilyn Monroe. He smiled because he thought I meant she was beautiful, and I smiled because I meant she looked like a corpse.

Film lovers are sick people.